Tabula Rasa

"Blue Valentine" Overrated...by the MPAA

2011-06-28T02:38:00.002-04:00

I saw Blue Valentine Saturday night, and I thought it was genius. That's not what this blog is about. I remember before it opened there was a big ordeal about the rating. Initially, it was given an NC-17. I'm happy to say they appealed the decision, and the film was given an R rating. Without changing anything. Which begs the question, what in this film would prompt an NC-17 rating?

It turns out, my idea is right on par with Ryan Gosling's, one of the film's stars. The most objectionable part of this film is...wait for it..SEX! Sex! You know, the thing that got us all here. But I'm not talking your typical plain vanilla romp is the sack. Nope, we're talking oral sex here! Horrifying!

Now, I know what you're thinking: oral sex is in TONS of movies with R ratings. I can't even count the number of blowjobs or blowjob references in various movies I've seen over the years. So what was wrong with this film's oral sex scene? It involved a man performing oral sex on a woman. THE HORROR!

Yes, apparently our moral compass thinks it's OK to showcase a man receiving oral sex in a movie, but not a woman. And actually, that's not entirely accurate - Black Swan got an R rating, but that's because it was a lesbian scene and, as well all know, it's OK because a lot of guys think it's hot.

This just infuriates me. A woman enjoying a sex act meant to focus solely on her pleasure is somehow more offensive than, say, a rape scene or a scene of extreme violence? When I think of something worthy of an NC-17 rating (which replaced the X rating in the '90s), I think of something like porn - you know, hardcore close-ups of real people bumping genitals. And I'd classify a video of Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face worthy of that rating as well.

But ACTORS in a sex scene of a married couple enjoying a sex act - come on, there are worse things to watch.

HAIKU, in the Style of Cee-Lo

2011-06-18T00:43:00.005-04:00

I need an uplifting post for today, so this is just going to be fun. My wanderlust is coming back hard, and I just want to get on a plane to anywhere but here. Ideally, Europe - just start fresh on a new continent. The American dream doesn't work for me. Maybe the French or Italian one will.

So, while I mull all that over and contemplate my existence, here's a funny for you.

"Haiku" By Wendy Caldwell (with some help from Cee-lo Green)

I see you drivin'
'Round town with the book I love
And I'm like HAIKU!

Guess my Keats, Yeats, and Shakespeare wasn't enough
So I'm like HAIKU
Got to write some, too

See, if I was a poet
I just wouldn't know it
Ain't that some BYSSHE
(Ain't that some Bysshe)
I'm feelin' so stressed, and I'm tryin' my best
To write HAIKU

Five, seven, five, y'all
Well that's how to write it
But I really think that I suck this
Why not a sonnet?
Or an epic poem?
Or a catchy rhyming limerick?

I pity the fool who has to write HAIKU
(What's wrong with my iambs?
Or my green eggs and ham)
Ooh, I got some news for you
Yeah, go on and tell your professor

I see you drivin'
'Round town with the book I love
And I'm like HAIKU!

I guess my Keats, Yeats, and Shakespeare wasn't enough
So I'm like HAIKU
Got to write some, too

Yeah, if I was a poet
I just wouldn't know it
Ain't that some Bysshe
(Ain't that some Bysshe)
I'm feelin' so stressed and I'm tryin' my best
To write HAIKU

I know that I had to borrow
From my local library
Tryin' to read up, tryin' to speed up
On all this awful poetry

I pity the fool who has to write HAIKU
(What's wrong with my iambs?
Or my green eggs and ham)
Ooh, I got some news for you
Man, I really hate this class right now

Now, teacher, teacher, teacher
Why you wanna, wanna, put me through this?
(Through this, through this, through this)
I wrote a rhyming couplet
But you said it was your ass I should kiss
(Should kiss, should kiss, should kiss)
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I still can't, I can't HAIKU!

I see you drivin'
'Round town with the book I love
And I'm like HAIKU!

I guess my Keats, Yeats, and Shakespeare wasn't enough
So I'm like HAIKU
Got to write some, too

See, if I was a poet
I just wouldn't know it
Ain't that some Bysshe
(Ain't that some Bysshe)
And though I did try my best it is time to confess
I can't write HAIKU!

A Little More Talk and a Lot Less Action

2011-06-07T01:03:00.004-04:00

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING: I don't care at all about anyone sending pictures of their body to anyone, unless one of those people is a minor and the other is not. Can anyone guess why? IT'S NOT NEWS! We've had the Internet for how long now? Have people still not caught on that the only reason we keep coming up with better technology is to get laid? Think of cell phones. You could call your significant other when they weren't at home! Then we got texting. And camera phones! Now video! You can actually make a porn on your phone, then send it to someone you met on Twitter and see what happens (hint: it won't end well).

So a few famous people figured this out and it's all over the news. Democrat, Republican, Communist, whatever: No one wants to see your junk. The only people who should see it are doctors and spouses. If you need to show off a little, don't be stupid enough to do it on your OWN TWITTER ACCOUNT! Start a fake account - geez, teenagers have figured this out.

Newsflash, United States: SEX IS NOT BAD. It's fun! It reduces the stress hormone, releases endorphins, and sometimes leads to more people. It isn't bad. It's not bad for you; it shouldn't be taboo. I think we should at least be able to look at this situation and say, "Screw abstinence only educating." The abstinence only people aren't that way because they were taught it in school. Usually that's a religious/moral thing.

So how did I come to this conclusion from a Twitpenis? Well, first off, he denied it. "I got hacked." No, sir. You thought you were good looking, and you wanted to see if you could still get the ladies, so you took a shot (and a photo) with a 21-year-old. Too bad you didn't snap a pic of your balls - they must be huge!

Why would one deny this? I know, he's a public figure and married and all that. But he said he felt ashamed. Ashamed? Of your penis? That's not normal. I'd be embarrassed I got caught and all my friends would be harassing me, but I wouldn't be ashamed. I don't find my body to be shameful. I don't think taking pictures that make you feel sexy is something to be ashamed of. If you pass them out to children, then, yes, be as ashamed as you want. But one adult sharing an intimate photo with another adult does not a scandal make.

Second, telling a teenager not to do something has never worked. Ever. Instead, when your teen is at the right age (not when YOU needed the talk - times change), ask him or her what questions they may have about sex, sexual health, their changing bodies, etc. Really. Start this before puberty. Our teen pregnancy rate is actually going down, so it works. I promise.

Why don't we try being HONEST with children about sex? Let's give them real sexual education, not just about what parts go where, but how you can respect your partner by always having a recent STD test, or how it's OK to wear clothes that flatter your figure. The more you know about sex, the better prepared you are for it.

Here, I present a few sexual mantras I live by (unless you're my grandmother - STOP READING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!) It's cool, guys. She doesn't read this blog.

Wendy's Rule Number One
Get tested. I get tested before and after each new partner, and every six months to catch any false negatives. Many infections transmitted sexually can be asymptomatic, so don't think that because you don't feel different you don't have anything. Better to be safe than sorry.

Wendy's Rule Number Two
Always wait until after your period (or placebo week) before changing sex partners. This is just something I find helpful - at least I won't end up on Maury Povich testing the 12th guy who is still "NOT THE FATHER." Come on, ladies. We can do better.

Wendy's Rule Number Three
TALK to each other, not at each other. If you can't talk to your partner about sex, don't have sex. It's quite simple. It means you aren't ready personally, or you aren't ready as a couple. If you can't tell your partner what you like, it isn't going to work.

Wendy's Rule Number Four
You're never THAT single. I said that to Leslie once, that I wasn't "that single" in reference to a guy. Keep your standards high. It's important to respect your own body just as much as your partner's. Stay safe, keep talking, don't ho it up. That's it!

This isn't just for teens, though. This applies to adults of all ages, and I'm especially thinking of the newly divorced who suddenly find themselves trying to date for the first time in a decade or more. You don't start dating where you left off - if you're dating now, you need to know the game. Set your own ground rules (not before x dates, not until x months, etc.) before you start dating. Talk to your doctor if you have health concerns.

OK. Diatribe over. Now, go send your Congressman a naked pic! (Kidding, but that would actually be HILARIOUS)

I'm Not That Girl

2011-05-23T23:20:00.004-04:00

I woke up one day, and I was 28. I wasn't a college graduate as I had intended. I wasn't married. There weren't any kids running in to wake me up. As it turned out, I was in my dad and Laura's house. That can't be right. I'm 28. Why am I living 3 hours away from my friends, most of my family, my life? Where did I go? Or, more accurately, where did I go wrong?

All of this thinking has been in the back of my mind lately, and it's come to the forefront for the strangest of reasons: I've been getting hit on a lot lately. Annoyingly so. I can't go a night without getting several messages from men (usually people who have never met me, mind you). And I'm starting to get pissed off about it. Then I started wondering why it was pissing me off. I should be flattered, right? I mean, to the average person, this hardly sounds like a "real" problem.

Of course, I'll do this obligatory "this is aimed at no one in particular" and "this isn't all encompassing" and of course "I don't think everyone who sends me a message on Facebook or Twitter is a pervy asshole." But, let's face it, some of you are.

You see, I'm not that girl. "The pretty girl." The one who wants male attention 24/7. I look the way I look because of genetics, but it isn't who I am. It doesn't show my character. My looks aren't anything I accomplished. I didn't work hard for it. I just wake up, and this is what I look like.

When I get messages from strangers, men who want to "get to know me," I'm skeptical. Obviously. Why do you want to get to know me, specifically? There are nearly 7 billion people on this planet - that's more than enough. And seeing as how it's called Facebook, I figure it usually has something to do with one's face.

That's all I get. I have a name no one uses. I'm not Wendy to these people. I'm a slew of monikers that are usually used as terms of endearment or words of physical attractiveness. These are words I've used before, but those are reserved for people I know and love.

I like social networking. I like the idea of getting to exchange ideas with people from different places. I like being able to easily stay in touch with friends who live far away. But I don't like being treated like an object, in some twisted Internet version of cat and mouse.

I never really thought about that growing up, what it must be like for the popular girls, always having the attention of guys, always being the OBJECT of desire, not the woman. We all got the genetics we got by chance - by our parents.

Do any of these people care that I'm a good person? Does it matter that I have panic attacks, that I can't sleep at night, and sometimes the hardest part of my day is getting out of bed? Or do they think my life must be easy, must be carefree, and I have nothing better to do than to be courted online because some idiot thinks he's getting sex out of it someday. And I'm the one who needed psychiatric care. Right.

So how did I get here? Do people only value my looks now? Does my brain not matter to anyone? Does it make a difference that I left college because I could no longer afford it? My test scores put me in the top 1% of people on the planet - shouldn't that matter?

I have dreams of someday going to Africa and helping people - handing out latex gloves, mosquito nets; educating children and adults on HIV; building huts and living in a land that has yet to be touched by time. Does that have some value?

I'm a great writer. I am passionate about it, and I have a knack for it. I'm empathetic to a fault. And yet, the impression people get from me is "She's hot. I'd like to hit that." And that makes me deeply shamed. Have I stopped valuing these qualities as well?

I appreciate a compliment if I've put on a dress or done my hair or makeup. And I appreciate a compliment when I make a perfect wrap at work. Both of those require effort. But just looking a certain way isn't cause for celebration.

I have some self-respect. I'm working on more confidence. But I don't need a bombardment of attention when I need to be focused inward. And I suppose that's my diatribe of the day. I don't know where I went wrong, but I know what is making me unhappy in my life.

Oddly, I'm reminded of an episode of CSI in which Catherine tells Sarah about her days as an exotic dancer. Catherine: "Did your dad ever tell you you were pretty?" Sarah: "No." Catherine: "I bet he told you you were smart."

Growing up, that's what I heard. I didn't hear that I looked great. I heard that I was smart, that I had potential. I made good grades, I never got in trouble at school. I was a great kid.

Now what do I hear? From various sources it's a lot of doubt. Am I ever going back to college? Why can't I support myself (I could go on my usual digression of the 11-months of bedrest from crippling chronic pain, but I won't)? Why can't I just get a better job and make more money? Why can't I be thankful for what I have instead of being depressed?

I wish I knew the answers. The short one is that my brain is chemically different from most people's. Add to that my problem-solving nature, and I'm constantly obsessing on my own shortcomings. I can't turn my brain off. Today I was so anxious I couldn't keep my legs still, and I have no idea why. I wake up alone, drenched in sweat, in a 62-degree-room, and no one can tell me why.

But, to the naysayers, it's important to know that I am a fighter. Right now I guess I have to fight for myself, because no one else will do it for me. Three years ago today, I was living a decent life. Eight days later, my life changed forever. But I fought back from that. I got out of the wheelchair. So I suppose I can handle this, too.

And to those of you who think sending me a few Facebook messages means you can see me naked...Go fuck yourself.

1 in 3

2010-12-08T12:41:00.001-05:00

I was watching TV yesterday, and while I was looking through the guide to find something to watch, Glenn Beck was on, in his usual form. I would like to preface this blog by clarifying something: I do not have problems with Glenn Beck because I disagree with him. I disagree with a lot of people - Bill O'Reilly comes to mind. And while I do disagree with O'Reilly, and I find he can be condescending, I do not believe he is a bad person. I wouldn't mind sitting down and having a drink with him, just talking. But Glenn Beck is a different story. Glenn Beck is misinformed, and he preys upon the ignorance and fears of others. And yesterday, he crossed an unforgivable line.

Now, I could start this by diving head-first into the George Soros thing, but I'm not going to do that. For starters, it's fairly obvious that Beck crossed a line there. He lost countless sponsors, which he should be accustomed to by now, but the media and pundits have already covered this extensively, drawing parallels, comparing his words to typical anti-Semitic propaganda, and the like. Personally, I don't think Beck is informed enough to realize that what he said was essentially a reiteration of some of the most well known Nazi propaganda, but that is just my opinion. I don't think Beck is a Nazi by any stretch of the imagination, and I'd just as soon let sleeping dogs lie on that one. What he said was wrong, it preyed on the fears of his viewers, and was meant to incite some type of panic or distrust. That's the way this man operates. I don't believe his agenda goes further than that.

Yesterday, he was on one of his usual anti-liberal, anti-progressive rants. He uses the words "liberal" and "progressive" as though they were four-letter words. Progress is not a bad thing; quite the contrary. He had that usual tone of voice he has when he's speaking of one of the progressives or liberals - snide, disapproving, with an air that the individual is somehow dirty or tainted. And what was he referring to? EXTENDING THE LEGAL DEFINITION OF RAPE.

This is a hot-button issue for me. It should be for everyone, because violating someone should never be viewed as anything other than a despicable affront to the human collective. And before we go further down the rabbit hole that is my brain, let's just clear something up: rape is not about sex; it's about power. So what's wrong with extending the legal definition? What's wrong with making it easier to prosecute sex offenders? The statistics on sexual assualts and rape are astronomical: 1 in 3 women, and that statistic is easily five years old. And it isn't just women - this happens to men, too.

Of course, the general opinion is that men don't report it because they're embarrassed. Right. Because women are totally OK with it. Being violated in that way isn't embarrassing; it's paralyzing. Terrifying. It's a kind of fear and loneliness that I don't even have words for. It's a ripping away of innocence much like ripping a Band-Aid, quickly, almost so quickly you don't really remember it, but it keeps stinging after it's gone.

I vividly remember being in the newspaper office in college. We were running a story on sexual assault, and three female staffers - including me - were gathered around a computer reading it. One commented that the 1 in 3 statistic was high, too high to be accurate. My colleagues were quick to put this theory to the test: there were three of us there, and they knew they'd never been assaulted. Then there was a look in my direction, and I just nodded my head once. I didn't say anything, I just nodded. And for all of us, in that moment, the statistic became very real. It wasn't just 1 in 3, it was now our friends, coworkers, people we saw regularly.

But let's get back to the issue: extending the legal definition of rape. This seems like a no-brainer to me. This notion that rape is only a penis being forced into a vagina is outdated. We have several definitions of sex - does no one remember the Clinton years? And if it doesn't take penetration to be sex, it doesn't take penetration to be rape. It's an open and shut thing for me.

So, given the above information, one can easily see how Glenn Back's disdainful attitude toward this makes my blood boil in a special way. We, as a nation, have an epidemic of being unable to respect the rights - and bodies - of others. Violence, rape, sexual assault - they all run rampant. It's time we held our citizens to a higher standard, and that works both ways. We need laws that will empower people to come forward, and then we need those people to come forward.

Why don't people come forward? Well, there are a lot of theories, but I'm sure it's different for each person. For me, it was lack of support. When your family - your flesh and blood - tells you not to talk to the police because "it will just piss him (the offender) off" it kind of changes things for you. If you think that's something that's easy to bring up to anyone in your family in the first place, you are sorely mistaken. But when you actually summon the courage, months after the fact, and are told you shouldn't do anything about it, that leaves scars, too. It isn't something you can just sweep under the rug and pretend that it isn't there. And when you go to the on-campus counseling service, and knowing why you're there they send you to a male counselor, it kind of makes you want to jump on the desk and ask them what qualifications they have for counseling at all, when they clearly can't recognize that you certainly can't talk to a man about this. When you talk a campus officer just to see what protocol is, the officer urges you to come forward but warns that it will likely do no good, as it will be your word against someone else's. So you go back to your dorm room, you have panic attacks when you see his car on campus, and you carry a knife. Because the people who are supposed to protect you, who are supposed to look out for your well being, have abandoned you.

When I hear someone speak of extending the legal definition of rape as anything other than the right thing to do, I go a little nuts. You see, this isn't about me at all. I have cousins in college now, and I have others who will be headed that way soon. What was taken from me can never be returned, but we have a chance to make it a little less likely that it will happen to them. Most offenders have a progression - they usually don't start with penetration rape. If we can do something before it escalates, we can help to protect a generation. Anything less in unacceptable.

A History of Violence ... Leads to a Future of Violence

2010-11-09T20:09:00.002-05:00

Hockey season is back, and because I'm now living with my dad, there's a lot of hockey on the television. I always enjoyed going to Predators games, but, like baseball, I just can't get as jazzed about watching hockey at home compared to actually being at a game. But that isn't the reason for this post, as one might have guessed from the title. My main problem with hockey: fighting.

Before everyone gets up in arms over this, let me say that I've already heard that argument that it's part of the culture of the game. So what? And, more importantly, why? And, to be fair, it isn't just hockey. I find UFC to be beyond barbaric, and I really don't get the point of boxing. I mean, I GET the point is to knock out your opponent, but I just don't get how that has any value or purpose being a sport. But that is simply my opinion, and seeing as how the sport is fighting, the fighting aspect can't be eliminated.

But why can't grown men playing in a socially acceptable competitive sport refrain from punching one another, and why don't the officials stop these things? It's a penalty for obvious reasons, yet they don't break it up as soon as it happens. Usually it has to go on a while or someone has to get pulled to the ice before anyone skates in to stop it. My theory: people like to watch the fights. And, yes, I'm aware that that is the bigger problem.

Why do we rely on violence for entertainment? There are plenty of other societies in which hockey is played, and not all of these societies have the kind of violent nature that seems inherent in us. I do enjoy a violent movie, but I would have a far different opinion if I were watching film of an act of actual, real violence. Movie violence isn't real, and it's usually unbelievably over the top. It's easy to differentiate between the two.

If things don't go the way we want, should we resort to violence? At home? School? Work? Our kid's little league game? Where do we draw the line? When do we decide to change who we are in order to ensure a better life for who we will be? We're becoming desensitized to the things that should disturb us. It's entirely possibly that I'm a little too sensitive about this, as I recently brought up the use of phrases like "hit me/you up" and "hit me/you back" - and not just because I imagine that's how Kevin Federline talks. As a general rule, and I'm probably not alone here, I don't like anyone to refer to hitting me in any way, not hitting me up, hitting me back, or hitting that. No hitting. Choose better words - it's why we have so many.

But this pales in comparison to violence toward children. I can see the argument for spanking up to a certain age. Before children have a fully developed moral compass, and before they have the vocabulary and understanding to converse with adults, I understand giving a three-year-old child a smack on the hand when he or she is about to touch a hot stove. Studies show, however, that once a child reaches the age of five, the sense of right and wrong is there. Misbehaving at that point is intentional, meaning the child knows he or she is doing wrong. The important thing is that they understand why the rules are the way they are. But let's get back to the violence argument.

I've been told that I'll feel differently about this when I have children. I doubt that. There's a part of me that recognizes that I don't have the complete experience to say definitively what I will do as a parent. If I have a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of a department store, I may feel a spanking is in order. I don't know for sure. But if I can't communicate with a seven-year-old without resorting to violence, maybe I shouldn't be a parent.

I don't think spanking is the equivalent of bad parenting. I understand it up to the age of five. After that, though, I just don't get it. I've had plenty of conversations with kids that age, and they're certainly capable of talking about and understanding right and wrong, appropriate behavior, and how they feel. But if we teach them that violence is how to control an other out-of-our-hands situation, we're really just increasing the odds that our children will grow up to be violent adults.

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are

2010-10-11T22:50:00.001-04:00

Today is National Coming Out Day, and I'm a bit torn by this. First, I am happy that we have a day devoted to such an important milestone in the lives of our friends and loved ones. But then I'm also disappointed, and a bit ashamed of us, that we have to have a day for it. Shouldn't our GLBT friends feel loved and accepted for who they are every day of the year? Shouldn't they be able to come forward without prejudice when they are ready, and shouldn't we, as a society, embrace them?

It saddens me that so many of our citizens are intolerant and/or afraid of 10% of our population, and I wonder why that is. No, it isn't because of God. And if I hear one more narrow-minded talking point about loving the sinner and hating the sin, you're going to need some towels to wipe up the mess that will come from my head exploding.

Now, some people may argue that this is human nature, this notion that love is and can only be between a man and a woman, that marriage and family is only husband and wife. But I do not believe that. And, what's more, I actually have something to support that.

You see, I'm what you may call the black sheep of my family, and if nothing else, I'm certainly the most liberal. And sometimes it seems I'm the only liberal. I love my family, but I don't always agree with them. I was also raised Church of Christ, and being me, one can see how that easily explains my special brand of crazy. But I digress. My cousin, who is 15 now (and don't think that makes me feel young because it certainly does not), was about 5 years old when my sister went to college. She and a friend from church were going to be roommates, and when my then 5-year-old cousin found out that were going to be living together, he asked if they were getting married.

Why did he ask that? Well, my theory is that, in his mind, when adults lived together, they were married. All the adults he knew who lived together were, and it only made sense to him that if my sister were sharing a residence with someone, they must be married, too. It's probably the same reason my other cousin, when she was about 2, called my high school boyfriend "Daddy" - every adult male in her life was called "Daddy" by someone.

My point is this - we aren't born with prejudice. It is learned, developed, cultivated, in the home and in the community. The proverb that it takes a village to raise a child certainly holds truth. If I were to ask my cousin today what he thinks about same-sex marriage, he would probably be opposed to it. So what changed? The village.

If you have children, or if you are thinking of having them, then please consider this: How many people are really raising your child? The scout leader, the Sunday school teacher, the school teacher, the babysitter, the families of their friends, the list goes on and on.

Be prepared to have that conversation with your child when it comes up. When you're at the park and two men are holding hands, think twice before calling someone a "fag" or muttering how "disgusting" it is, or how they shouldn't be "flaunting" their sexuality. Do you think men and women holding hands are flaunting their sexuality? What's the difference really?

And for those of you who are afraid that if you have a gay friend he or she will try to hit on you, relax. You are not that undesirable. Does every straight man or woman hit on you? I didn't think so.

Return to Blogging

2010-10-07T11:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged since I got out of the hospital, but it's time to get back on this thing. A lot has happened, but I'm just going to focus on the big one: I moved to Maryville, and I live with my dad, Laura, and Alex.

I made $150 in August because my night job fired me for being in the hospital. So I'm not behind on my bills, my phone will probably be cut off in a few weeks, and my next paycheck won't cover my car payment. One of my creditors had been taking money from my savings account, but they sent me a refund check...to Brentwood. I haven't lived there in 5 months. But, at any rate, when that finally gets to me I can pay for my car and car insurance. Yay me.

And I'm lonely here all the time. I have no friends. I stay in bed, play on the computer, and watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Because I am that awesome...and lame.

I'm becoming more and more obscure. I've barely talked to my family since I moved, I haven't really talked to any friends other than through Facebook chat, and I miss my boyfriend. That's all for now. I'm in pain, my insurance won't pay for PT, so I'm just going to lie here with an ice pack and wait for things to subside a little.

"Enjoy Your Book. Folks Will Be in to Abuse You in a Minute"

2010-07-30T02:49:00.003-04:00

I finished my book, actually. That's how long I was at Baptist today. You can read about all the medical stuff here.

But I'd like to elaborate on what it was like for me, queen of hospitals and normal test results, to be in a hospital scared. And I must say this is an accomplishment, as I have been in many a hospital and had more CTs, bloodwork, and X-rays than I can count, and they've all come back normal. So when I was told my bloodwork was abnormal and I'd need more testing on my lungs, I was worried.

Now, Tuesday night is when this started. I had normal blood Tuesday. Later that night, I had the chest pains, and what I am now certain was two minor instances when I stopped breathing. I am sure of this now because while at the hospital my oxygen level got down to 82 and set off that alarm a few times, and my breathing rate looked like a flatline a few times. It set off the alarm, too, because it got down to 5. Frightening stuff.

I talked to my Dad and Laura on the phone several times, and it is not lost on me that these are the only relatives concerned with my health. OK, yes, I know some other relatives pray for me. But praying for me isn't all you can do. It is if you're bedridden and mute or something, but we do have phones and e-mail and social networking and there are umpteen ways to say, "How are you feeling?" "how r u feeling" "Wendy feels good today." "(name here) likes this." But please don't ask "how r u feeling" - it just annoys me. I'm worth the time it takes to spell out 3-letter words.

Laura asked if anyone was with me. I told her no, and she seemed concerned that I was there all by myself waiting to find out if I had some kind of pulmonary embolism, which I didn't because, you know, here I am blogging instead of being in the morgue. Never did hear back from my mom. I texted her because I didn't know how long I'd be at Baptist, and I didn't want to use all of my cell phone battery because I no longer have a wall charger. But I'm not that surprised by this. I usually don't even bother telling family about health issues anymore, except my dad because he asks. But today was scary. I'm OK, but it was scary. And I could still have the beginnings of a blood clotting issue because my D-Dimers were high, and that means clotting issues. But it isn't in my lungs. I guess we'll figure it out someday.

Billie Jean Is Not My Doctor

2010-07-23T00:13:00.000-04:00

I posted this on my other blog, but it's worth repeating.

I had more injections today. First off, the woman who did my IV gave me a shot to numb my arm first. HA! I was all, "That really isn't necessary." Naturally, it didn't numb my arm, but I'm so used to needles at this point that I'm not phased regardless.

I woke up from the procedure AWAKE - I was wide the hell awake. After I told the nurse that all three of her had nice skin, I then said, "I'm way too cognizant." Also, I didn't slur the word "cognizant" - weird. I asked the doctor about it later, and he said they gave me some fentanyl, but the also gave me propofol, or as he called it, "the Michael Jackson drug." Apparently, this drug is sometimes called "milk of amnesia," which is funny because I usually forget the first hour or so after waking up, but not this.

The last two times I woke up after the procedure without my usual pain until about 6-8 hours later. Not this time. This time I felt it immediately. This freaks me out. They gave me more fentanyl in my IV before I left the hospital, but it didn't work. It's about 100 times stronger than morphine, so this is disturbing. I told them not to bother with morphine because it doesn't work.

So what happens now? The doctor wants to see me again in three weeks. If this doesn't work, they can try different injections or platelet enriched plasma. Oh good. I can't wait to be tortured some more. Oh, and my pain meds are WEAKER than last time. WTF, doctor?! I already have to chew them to get them to work fast enough, and, you know, that's disgusting, but when I'm at work and the pain gets worse, I don't have an hour or so to kill to wait for stuff to kick in, and I sure as hell can't go sit down. EVER.

Side note: I talked to my dad afterward. Laura's daughter is an NP, and she and Laura had been talking and said that at some point they won't be able to put me under anymore. Dr. Wasudev said they used the different drug this time because last time they had to keep giving me so much that if they used it again I could stop breathing, and they don't intubate for this procedure. But I've dealt with this so long that if surgery would actually help me, I'd let them do it even if they couldn't put me under. Which I know is really messed up but I just want this to be over already.

I'm Supposed to Be Getting Married Today

2010-07-17T03:02:00.000-04:00

OK, well maybe not TODAY. But many years ago I decided I would get married on July 17, and I'd like to get married on a Saturday, so this is my last shot until 2021. I have 22 hours to get married, and I'm working a double today, so let's just call this dream one of those things that isn't going to happen and move forward.

Today, I start a new chapter in my life. It has something to do with moving on, on from all the pain, the past, everything I've been holding on to for so long because I was afraid to lose it. And everyone I've kept in my heart because I had nowhere else to put them.

I was remembering this moment a few years ago when I saw someone very special to me. I've had my moments in life, some good, some bad, but there isn't anything else I'd classify as a perfect moment except for this one. And if I could have chosen how I could have spent the last day or two with someone I love, I think it would have played out exactly as it did.

But things change, people change. We change our attitudes, our minds, our clothes, our beliefs. We change cities - sometimes countries and continents - and we change our hair. But, somewhere under all of that change, I like to think there are two people who, for just one moment in 2007, were perfectly happy.

I don't have moments like that anymore. I wish I did. The best I feel right now is when I meditate. It's the only time I don't feel anything, and for me, feeling nothing is as close to perfect as I'm going to get. So now, before I try to sleep before working a 14-hour day later, I will close my eyes, entwine my legs, and just simply exist, if only for a little while.

Stealing My Identity Isn't Just Illegal, It's Also Really Stupid

2010-07-15T02:07:00.000-04:00

Today, while I was eating lunch between jobs, the mail came. Now this in itself is no shock, as the mail comes daily (except Sundays). I got the usual stack of bills. I opened one, unfolded it, and immediately marveled at the amount. "645 dollars?!" Then I read the top of the page, which informed me that my payday loan was past due.

Uh, what payday loan? I don't take out loans, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't take out a payday loan. I called the collection agency, and boy did I find out all kinds of neat stuff! First, the woman verified the last four of my social and my birthday. OK, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to get that information, right? Surely more is required for a loan of some kind. Turns out, more IS required, but this information apparently doesn't have to be even remotely related to the name and birthday.

Whoever took out this loan listed an employer and work address (Wal-Mart manager in Louisiana, by the way), home and cell phone numbers (both with a New Orleans area code), two references (yes, I now have their names and numbers), and, of course, the account number and routing number of where to send the money. And, you guessed it, I now have that information as well.

At this point, I'm furious, and also a bit perplexed as to how anyone using my social security number could possibly get a loan, even a payday loan. The woman at the collection agency was very helpful. She told me to contact the police, file a report, and then they would go from there. She also told me the loan was taken out on January 19, 2010. It went to collection on April 26, so it just barely missed being on the credit report I pulled for the bankruptcy. Which is another reason this was obviously not me - all of my debt is being taken care of in the bankruptcy. Also, I have never worked for Wal-Mart, and I've never lived in Louisiana. Hell, I've only been once, 10 years ago, because that's where we sailed from on the cruise.

I called the police, and after some phone tag, finally got through to make the report. I still have to call the New Orleans PD, because that is presumably where the crime was committed. But this isn't just a crime - it's an act of extreme stupidity. First off, I have absolutely horrific credit. My credit score is a sad face. Second, I'm going to catch you. I am well versed in my debt. If this had been a medical bill, then, yes, it's conceivable that one or two of those fell through the cracks, and I forgot about them. But this - an online payday loan in January (when my computer didn't even get Internet-ready again until April) - this is...wait for it...INCONCEIVABLE!

I looked up the customer service number for the Web site, and calling that woman was a complete waste of time. I told her that someone had fraudulently used my information to take out a loan, and I suppose I should have assumed that using words with more than two syllables would not go over well. She asked for my information, and then proceeded to say a lot of really stupid things.

"The address we have for you is the one you just gave me." OK, I know you're lying at this point, or, at least, I know you didn't have this address for me when the loan was taken out. First off, the collection agency mentioned nothing about an address being given, other than the Louisiana work address. They have my address because it's their job to track me down, and with a bankruptcy, it isn't that hard to do. But let's forget the obvious and get to my answer.

"I didn't live there in January." BOO-YAH! There is no way this person used my current address to take out a loan in January because I did not live at my current address in January. Ha! How do you like them apples?

I explained to the woman that I live in Tennessee, but the information used to get the loan (other than my social and birthday) was from a Louisiana area code, and, clearly, this was not me.

"We aren't authorized to give loans in Tennessee. It would have been denied."

OK, what part of "It wasn't me" is so hard to grasp? THE MONEY DIDN'T COME TO TENNESSEE! And, as you have already stated you cannot give loans in Tennessee, there is no possible way, according to you, that you could have had my address because then you would have known I was in Tennessee and would have denied me like a good little worker, right? RIGHT?!

"But it's weird that they would use all of your information."

IT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL! IT'S FRAUD! That's the modus operandi of frauds! Jesus, lady, you work for a company that gives online payday loans. You can't possibly expect me to believe that this hasn't happened before.

I told her I had contacted the police and they would be in touch about it. Then I hung up because I don't possess the ability to jump through the phone and smack someone in the back of the head. But if I did have that ability, that is exactly what I would have done.

So now I wait. The Nashville police will turn it over to a detective, who will be in contact with New Orleans. I gave them the account number and routing numbers, as well as the phone numbers, so finding the person(s) should be fairly simple. And proving it was fraud is beyond easy. I hope the Web site tightens their security a bit. If they'll take a social security number of someone in one state who claims to have an employer in another, it's time to beef up the security. I assume this didn't require a state-issued ID or pay stubs or anything you should have to present before getting any kind of loan. And apparently the name on the bank account doesn't have to be at all related to the name on the loan. Well, that's reassuring.

Watch out, New Orleans! I will have my vengeance upon you! OK, probably not all of you, but at least one of you is in trouble. And, even though I have what I hope is your real telephone number, I have no powers that translate through a telephone, so I'll just let the cops handle this one. Oh, and I Googled the home number. It is definitely a landline in New Orleans, and I even got a nice picture of the residence, including the name of the street and the block. Those apples are even better now, aren't they?

Stealing My Identity Isn't Just Illegal, It's a

2010-07-15T01:31:00.001-04:00

Time for Me

2010-07-10T01:02:00.000-04:00

Saturday I gave up clothes - we had a yard sale, and it definitely feels good having a little less stuff. Starting Sunday, I'm giving up half an hour each day to myself. I'm going to start each day with 15 minutes of meditation and end each day the same way. I know 30 minutes isn't much, but I need to start small. I'm horrible about taking time for myself, but I hope to gradually increase the amount of time I spend on me each day. I'm going to eventually incorporate yoga into it as well. I did inversions twice today, and even though I'm hurting, I know it was good for me.

Last Mango in Paris...A Reward for Your Bankruptcy

2010-07-09T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'm making a decision, right here, right now, for all of the Internet to see: When I'm done with my bankruptcy, I will be taking my "Last Mango in Paris" trip finally!

Since hearing that song, I've wanted to live out as much of it as possible, and while I doubt I'm actually going to have a third-world girl in Buzios, I'm definitely going there.

I'll start out at Captain Tony's, of course, in the Florida Keys. My parents have been there, and have actually met Captain Tony. Next, I'll eat mango in Paris, head to Saigon via plane, and at some point, I'm going to be on a boat in China. Next is Buzios, Brazil (third-world girl optional), Wall Street (probably not going to have the high fashion model wife, though), then waking up dry beneath the African sky, just me and my Swiss Army knife.

I'm especially excited about Africa. I've wanted to go there for quite some time, and while I sometimes debate doing the Peace Corps thing, I know regardless I'd like to go to Africa. It fascinates me. It's time to follow la via dansante - the dancing life.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

2010-07-09T00:08:00.001-04:00

Today was full of drugs and pain so I'll make this quick: Tomorrow I'm giving up worrying. I will attempt, for the first time in my life, to go 24 hours without worrying. I'm not going to think about where I'm going to live, what I'm going to do with my life, how I'm going to pay this bill or that doctor. I'm just going to try to be centered, balanced, and enjoy the day.

"Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help"

2010-07-08T01:32:00.000-04:00

And sometimes quoting George Carlin is the best way to start a blog. It's true - brain damage is good for you. At least, it was good for me today. I woke up at pain level 8. Oh joy. Then I went to brush my teeth and came back to find the most annoying child ever in my room - don't worry, it wasn't one who lives here. Then I got rear-ended on the way to work. That came with a bad headache, but fear not! The ER doctor said, "Your head CT looks beautiful." Yup, even my brain is a sexy beast!

In all the concussion, I had to miss work. I tried to work, but I got really dizzy and nauseated, and it was hard for me to stand. Plus I was seeing auras around things and had a brief bout of double vision. They told me to call someone to take me to the hospital. That's when I had my sexy head CT. Go brain!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is surprising considering this is my fourth concussion. Seriously, how do I have higher brain function? Check out my last two concussions here and here.

I need to change some things in my life. I've been horribly dissatisfied for far too long, and I need to do something about it. I am going to do something for myself. I haven't done something for myself in a long time. The last vacation I had was in 2007, and I came home from the airport to furniture on the lawn because my dad was moving out. I think it would be good for me to get away from all of this for a while, just go somewhere, unwind, get away from the daily clusterfuck that is my life.

I need to dance again. I need to meditate more. I need to get rid of all the shit in my head that keeps me up at night. And I need to get rid of all of my shit. I have entirely too much stuff, and it all just takes up space and stresses me out. I don't need it, I don't have room for it, and I think I'd be a lot happier if I had less stuff. If nothing else, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to move.

I need to write more, and not just blogging, though I do need to do that more. I need to write the way I used to write every day. I have all of these thoughts in my head, and some of them are quite brilliant, and I need to devote time to that. I'm always happier when I write. It reminds me of my hopes and dreams, and sometimes it seems less hopeless and more dreamy when I'm writing.

I need to de-clutter my room, my life, my head - pretty much all of it. There's no time like the present, so I'm going to start giving things up every day. Some may be permanent, some temporary, but until I'm in a better place, I'm never going to be happier. The first thing I'm giving up is caffeine. For real. I've mostly given it up, but lately I've been having cherry Cokes at work, and I'll have Malibu & Coke when I go out. I love Coke. I love caffeine. But I don't need caffeine, and it isn't good for me. So, until further notice, I am 100% caffeine-free.

Now I'm going to read Eat, Pray, Love, because that movie looks good, and I imagine the book is even better.

Independence Day

2010-07-04T02:54:00.004-04:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, most of which has to do with my future. I've got to figure out what I'm going to do in August, how I'm going to get back to school if I ever can, and whether or not to pay $343 for 20 days of COBRA or just send those bills to the trustee.

I've asked for help in all of this, which is a big step for me because I generally prefer to fuck things up all by myself and then wonder why I'm in the same quagmire I was in before. But I haven't had much success there, and my dad is pretty much my only hope, although he's already doing more than his part by taking over my car payment.

I don't know why the rest of the family is distancing themselves so much. One of my aunts paid the retainer for my bankruptcy attorney. It's hard, though, that there isn't anything else people can or will do. I guess that whole "What would Jesus do?" thing doesn't apply here. I mean, Jesus would let me sleep on His couch. He'd probably build me a bed or something - carpenters are skillful like that.

I think they see me as a failure, and I suppose they would be right, on paper at least. I didn't graduate college (because I didn't have the money, and I won't go on that diatribe again but suffice it to say that I didn't grow up knowing I'd have to pay for my own college or I would have tried to come up with some sort of plan). I'm the only blue-collar worker in the family. I work. Everyone else goes to work. It's not that I don't think they work, too, but my work is physical. I don't have a desk. I don't even get to sit down. Ever. I'm on my feet for both jobs, I sweat a lot, I lift up to 70 pounds at a time - and I only weigh 110. Factor in the whole chronic musculoskeletal pain thing and one can see how my day is exponentially harder than most people's.

If I'm in pain at work, I take a pain pill. Why? Because I can't afford to miss work for being sick. I don't get paid to lie at home with ice packs and electrodes, so on the really bad days I bring those to work with me. One morning I came in and it was obvious I was sick. "You look like hell. Go home." I ended up in the hospital that night - shocking, I know - but I went to work that day anyway. And nobody seems to understand that every day is a struggle for me. I suppose if I were of the mindset that there's nothing medically wrong with me or that I "look OK" or "seem fine" I'd probably wonder what my deal was, too.

I look OK and seem fine because I don't externalize a lot of what I feel physically or emotionally if I can help it. I don't want people to see that. Nobody wants to see that. If they could see what I felt, people would be all weird around me I think. That's how it was in the wheelchair - no one treats you the same. Except, of course, my awesome friends, and my cousins who just thought it was fun to push me around in the wheelchair. But I digress.

I know I'm an adult. Believe me, I know that. I'm not able to support myself financially, and that's embarrassing. More embarrassing is having to ask your family for help. Even more embarrassing than that is when people say no. But I did support myself through college. I was fine until I got sick. Turns out, having a chronic condition pretty much sucks your bank account dry and puts a sizable dent in the ones of your friends.

All of this has got me thinking, and I'm OK with not being OK. I've accepted failure, which, aside from VOLCANOES, is my biggest fear. But nothing is scarier than volcanoes. They shoot out rock so hot it's liquid - count me the fuck out! And there are no volcanoes in East Tennessee, so if I have to go there - assuming I'm hopeless here and that it's an option - at least I won't have to outrun lava. I can avoid bill collectors, but lava would kick my ass.

I'm not independent. Not today, not anymore. I used to be, and it was nice. I'm not as dependent as when I was bed-ridden, but I can't really survive 100% on my own, either, and I accept that. Someday I will be able to, but not now. Now I need to focus on my health. I need to get better. I need to work less often if it's going to be on my feet. I need to continue getting enough sleep. I need to lay off the caffeine for real and do something about these thighs. Seriously, why didn't anyone tell me they looked like that? As soon as I get the green light for cardio, it is on.

I'm forcing myself to listen to happy music when I'm in the car. It's hard to be all pensive and introspective when there's a happy song on. I guess I'll try to keep that up. In the meantime, I'll just keep getting through each day until I can come up with a feasible long-term plan.

I Facebooked My Therapist

2010-06-29T19:57:00.001-04:00

Yep, I did that, after almost completely losing it. It's been a rough few days. I'm stressed about money, I'm in a lot of pain, and I miss Paw. Sigh.

So to cheer myself up, I'm indulging in some narcissism - one of my favorite things - and reading some old tweets. Maybe I'll make a post of tweets from my blog hiatus.

Panic! at the Yolos

2010-06-26T14:29:00.000-04:00

Well, friends, I went back to work Friday after Thursday's procedure. I got to work, and let me say first off that they were really understanding about giving me time off for Paw's funeral.

But he isn't going to die every fucking week, and I'm really fucking tired of my hours getting cut. So I was originally scheduled 5 days this week. Then it got changed to 4, and this is after He Who Makes the Schedule went on a little tirade about how no one should change the schedule. Yes, friends, the irony is not lost on me. And I like He Who Makes the Schedule, but I like him a little less now that he's fucking with my money. Anyway, down to 4 days. Then Paw died and I had to take Monday off. Then I go in last night and discover I've been taken off of Sunday. WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Is this because I'm a girl, I have a medical disability, or people have the habit of dying inconveniently around me? Le sigh.

So I check out next week's schedule, and I'm working...wait for it...TWO FUCKING DAYS! Christ. Doing the math, I realize that at this rate, my net income for both jobs is going to be around $1000 a month. OK, and we know I spend about $500 on medical-related costs, but I'm going to be optimistic and say that these injections might keep me from going to the doctor as often, so I'm going to subtract $150 from that for copays I won't have to pay. So that leaves me with $650 for a month. Whoops! Gotta pay my car insurance and my phone bill. Now we're down to $450. And I still haven't put a roof over my head, food in my mouth, lights in my house, or gas in my car.

So I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I figured it was either a reaction to the procedure or the onset of a panic attack. Nota bene: I've had two panic attacks in my life, they've both involved the Devil and were well justified. But seriously. As soon as I reduce my expenses, I reduce my income, leaving me only a little better off than I was. I have savings now, but I have to spend about half of that on insurance for June because the medical bills I've amassed cost more than my COBRA insurance cost.

When it comes to finding a place to live, I'm going to have to pay a LOT of money in deposits for an apartment and utilities because of my stellar credit. At this moment, I don't have the money for that, let alone a pet deposit. So what do I do friends? And don't say find another job. I've been looking for jobs for six months. I was lucky to find Chili's. I need a miracle. Any day now would be nice.

Are You There God? Or Is George Carlin the One Doing All This Shit to Me?

2010-06-24T01:21:00.000-04:00

OK, is this some cruel cosmic joke? It's not news that my grandfather died, and that is certainly a tragedy. Then my laptop got all kinds of fucked up by about 24 different viruses and threats. It's on life support. It stops functioning at least once a day. AND NOW MY CAR WON'T START.

I drove home from work and parked as usual. Then I decided to go to the store to get stuff to make pie because I can't eat after midnight due to the procedure I'm having done. But my car wouldn't start.

When I try to start it, the dome light and dash lights flicker and it makes a continuous clicking sound. My CD player also clicks (there's a CD stuck in it - it's been there since 2007 - and if you try to eject it, it clicks). Naturally, seeing as I have lights, I assumed it wasn't the battery. Also, that battery is barely a year old. Tried to jump it anyway but nothing happened. The connectors were corroded, so we tried to clean them as best we could, but still nothing.

I work a double on Friday, so this really needs to get resolved Thursday so I can get to work. But when I wake up today, I'm headed to the hospital for injections and IV sedation. That means I can't drive for 24 hours, so I can't get a rental and if I can magically start my car I can't take it anywhere.

This comes right after I just put money into savings. I have savings. For the first time in about five fucking years. Possibly six. And I'm going to have to spend it to fix my stupid car so I can go to stupid work and oh I'm just so mad I could spit acid. Which might come in handy if it's battery acid.

Dear Computer: I KILL YOU!

2010-06-20T02:58:00.000-04:00

OK, so life has been less than peachy lately, but if there's one thing that is about to send me over the edge into CrazyTown, it's this laptop. IT WON'T OPEN .EXE FILES.

Wait, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd intended. Once more, with feeling.

IT WON'T OPEN .EXE FILES!

Much better. I'm sure we all remember downloading a .pdf at some point, and the explorer thing pops up and is all "Choose a program to open this file" and then you're all "Acrobat Reader" and then it works and everything is kitties and rainbows.

Well, when I try to run .exe files, it makes me pick a program. And my options are limited: Internet Explorer, Notepad, OpenOffice, 7-zip File Manager, Microsoft(C) Register Server, Windows Media Player, and Windows Picture and Fax Viewer.

That. Is. It.

So, of course, I Googled this and found all sorts of programs guaranteed to open anything ever. Of course, they're all .exe files and thus COMPLETELY USELESS TO ME.

So if anyone can help me, let me know. I'll be the girl banging her head against the wall.

Facebook: How to Find out Your Grandfather Is Dead

2010-06-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a long few days. Paw died this morning. I woke up to a lot of texts, most of them from Twitter. One was from my mom asking me to call her when I woke up. Another was a Facebook update from my cousin stating that Paw was in a better place. I assume he meant heaven and not, you know, Disney World, so once again my family emergency was sent to my phone via Facebook update (which usually runs about two hours behind) before anyone actually told me. I called my mom, and she told me Paw had died, which at this point was just confirmation on what I had suspected.

I'm glad I saw him last night. I went after work, and I'm so glad Mike said he'd clean up for me so I could get to the hospital, because that was the last time I saw him alive. I kissed him goodnight, told him I was off all day today, and I'd already told him we would be OK before I went to work. Sandi and I were talking about how we thought he was ready, and I told her about my upcoming procedure that will hopefully help my pain. Even though he was sleeping, I figured Paw would hear enough of it to know that I'd be OK. He always worried about me. He once told me I was too young to have to go through all the surgeries and tests that I've had.

I really want to see my dad. My mom told me she doesn't want him at the funeral. And apparently what I need to get through this doesn't matter to anyone. You know how in Romeo and Juliet at the end the Montagues and Capulets stop fighting because of the tragedy? You know, "doth with their death bury their parents' strife." I think that's the exact line; if not, it's the gist. Well, that doesn't happen in my family. I think after this funeral I need a break from family..."family"...relatives I guess. I'm sure my mom doesn't see this the way I do, and I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt me, but it doesn hurt me. He's my dad. He's famliy. And they're divorced, but my dad doesn't have a relationship with his dad. Paw was my dad's family for nearly three decades. And every time I went to visit him in the nursing home, he always asked about my dad. I think he'd want him there.

I don't even know if my dad would be able to go or not, or if he'd want to, but I know he would want to be there for Misty and me if we needed him. And now I'm just disillusioned, in a lot of pain, waiting for this all to sink in and hoping my pain pill kicks in before I completely lose it.

I've gotten a lot of support from a select few friends, but that's the circle I chose. And Twitter has been great. I don't know why, but I take a lot of comfort in knowing that there are people out there who care, even if we've never met. Twitter friends beat Facebook friends 90% of the time. A few people from my old church have reached out, too, and that's actually been helpful. Mostly Melissa, who was the only person in my youth group who didn't judge me for being different, didn't treat me any differently. She was always kind to me, whereas the rest of them mostly ignored me, made fun of me, or were indifferent. I guess that's why I go to therapy instead of church.

I'm getting off track. Let's sum up: Facebook = good for support, bad way to find out about family crises; Twitter = awesome; Family = unintentionally stressful; Friends = :)

Driving Lesson the First: DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES

2010-06-19T04:45:00.000-04:00

First off, hello to my sister, who recently stumbled upon my blog, which is convenient because she's in this post. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. It's much like the corners of my mind: a little dark, a little inappropriate, and not at all corner-shaped.

Moving on, let's talk about driving blind.

I got off work early tonight, so I went back to the hospital to see Paw for a bit before bed. I need to add that I am completely worn out. I was hoping to get home, maybe catch up on some Jeopardy!, but most likely blog myself to sleep. Here's what actually happened.

Remember when my eyes were stinging Tuesday?

The same thing happened today. I was driving home and was coming around the curve where 65/40/24 all merge into one giant ~~drug trafficker's heaven~~ interstate extravaganza and my eyes started the stinging again. It was so bad I had to close my eyes. Do you know what it's like to be going 65 mph and suddenly have to close your eyes because you can't stand the stinging when they're open? IT'S FUCKING SCARY. I was crying uncontrollably because there was no shoulder due to the merging of interstates. There was a bit of space/grass between the 40 and 65 sides, so I stopped there. There was already another car pulled over and one of those trucks with a blinking arrow on the back.

After mistakenly dialing 1 (voicemail) instead of 2 (sister on speed dial), I reached my sister and managed to get out through blubbering tears that I needed her to come get me and that I was near the Cumberland Science Museum (yes, I know it isn't called that anymore, but it'll always the the Cumberland Science Museum to me) but couldn't open my eyes to look around me for anything. She found me! Then we went to Baptist and thank God I wasn't dying or anything because we had to wait so long that by the time they called me back, I was able to open my eyes again. Same thing happened Tuesday - after 2 1/2 hours of closing my eyes, the stinging stopped.

The nurse said my eyes were pretty and kind of green and brown. Neat. Now let's fix them. He then told me he was giving me drops to numb my eyes. LIAR! That was the same effect Visine had. The doctor came in, stained my eyes, looked at my corneas/retinas/other eye stuff and said my eyes looked great.

So now what? "Follow up with your doctor." Yeah, I'll do that in a hurry. I don't have an eye doctor because I don't have vision insurance because I'm 20/20. Also, I don't think it's an eye issue. Today I was at work and the hospital all day. Tuesday I had an appointment and then stayed home. No common factors here. If it were irritation or something, I would think it would occur in the same place or something. I think my nerves are screwed and it's related somehow to the stinging in my hands from last Sunday.

But, the good news is, I didn't careen into anything while driving blind. Survival of the fittest!

The Weak End

2010-06-18T00:35:00.002-04:00

Yes, I get that this is an inappropriate pun, but I'm hiding behind my humor. Leave me alone and don't judge me!

Work was slow so I left after only being there 45 minutes. It really pissed me off until I saw I'd missed a call from my mom. The gist was that there isn't really anything they can do for Paw (which I kind of already assumed). They're tranferring care to hospice on the 18th. So now we wait.

I sat by him and held his hand for more than an hour. It's hard to watch. I can tell by his face that he's in pain. He's getting morphine every hour. His temperature was 103.7 and his oxygen and blood pressure are low. I see his face and I know he doesn't want to leave us, certainly not my grandmother, but he looks like he's crying with no tears. It rips me apart. And I don't know what to do about it other than blog, so here I am.

It seems we don't really end that differently than we begin. He can't take care of himself. He couldn't really talk tonight, though he did look at me a few times. And I swear I saw a smile and almost a laugh every now and then. I was trying to tell funny stories, and I was talking to him a lot. I know he knows me, and that matters a lot. I knew when he first went to the nursing home that there would come a time when he wouldn't know me, so I started wearing the same body spray scent every time I visited. I figured that later on down the road, he'd at least be able to recognize my smell. I think it worked.

I can't make sense of this. I tweeted about this earlier, saying that I was in no way ready for it, but I think he is. I can't bear to see him in pain. I asked the nurse to talk to the doctor about it, because with his fever so high there's no way he isn't miserable. He can't tell us, but I can see it. She said they'd see how the Tylenol worked with the morphine and then go from there.

TYLENOL?! THIS IS WHAT WE GIVE PEOPLE ON THEIR DEATHBEDS?! WE STILL HAVE NOTHING BETTER FOR A FEVER THAN EFFING TYLENOL?!

By the by, when I'm on my deathbed, I will attack you if you give me Tylenol. I want strong drugs and lots of them. Put on some Buffy or West Wing, shoot me full of dilaudid or fentanyl, and watch as I drift into my happy place.

Anyhow, they said it could be any time over the next few days. And it's so unfair that the rest of the family can take off work and be there while I slave away working both jobs every day until my body is literally on the verge of shutting down. And I just want to hold his hand and tell him not to be afraid. I know, I know. I could probably get my shifts covered, but that doesn't work when you still haven't gotten your insurance paperwork so you're technically uninsured even though it will be retroactive and you're paying full price for scripts and still racking up doctor bills.

And none of this matters because someone I love is going to die very soon and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but type out all the feelings I'm trying to hide from everyone else. That's it. I'll update again tomorrow.

A Few Possible Reasons Why I Might Stab You - Yes, YOU - in the Face

2010-06-17T02:15:00.001-04:00

I'm making a commitment to update this more frequently. Perhaps some day I'll be a professional blogger! Right now, I'll settle for being totally awesome. In case anyone cares, my hands are still burning. But enough about that - you've got to be wondering why I might stab you - yes, YOU - in the face. Here are some reasons.

You hit on me via Facebook chat.
There aren't many things that irritate me as much as this, including burning hands. Facebook chat pickup attempts are far worse. First off, if you're going to Facebook IM me every time I log in, I am going to think you are a stalker. I will try to avoid you. I will also never, never, never meet you in person. Never. Granted, this only applies to people I haven't actually met. If I've met you, then odds are we're cool. But have you noticed that my relationship status is "It's Complicated?" That's code for "If you hit on me via Facebook chat, I will complicate YOUR FACE." Probably with stabbing.

I even once got a Facebook chat marriage proposal. This is, by far, the most absurd thing that has happened to me on the Internet in quite some time. This is exactly what happened. I know this because I was so amused by it that I copied and pasted it into a message to a friend. Laughs were had by all.

Facebook Chatter: so will you marry me

Me: definitely not

FC: why you think i'm not able to make u happy i think u spend with me one night you'll not forget me

Me: 1) I don't know you. 2) You have terrible grammar. 3) You seem to think spending one night with you will somehow happen and end well for you, so you're clearly delusional.

Delusions I could possibly deal with, but not the lack of knowing and bad grammar. Deal breaker.

Facebook Chatter then accused me of not liking immigrants, and I kindly replied that I dislike bad grammar despite national origin. No discrimination here!

You're a know-it-all, yet you don't know it all. You don't even know it a little.
I was blessed/cursed with being one of the few people on the planet with a functioning brain. This gives me the special super power of knowing when other people are full of shit. If you don't know something, don't pretend that you do. It's irritating to those of us who actually do know things. A prime example of this is when people use Latin incorrectly and/or pronounce it wrong. That drives me insane. People only do this in order to seem educated and/or pretentious. This might work on the average folk, but when you say "circa" and you mean "est" a little part of me dies. Then the audience has to clap to bring me back to life and, oh, wait, that's Tinkerbell. But you get my point. Stick to things you know, and strive to learn what you don't. Just don't fake it.

You don't call back ... and that's what I pay you for.
Of course, it's annoying to have calls go unreturned, but the people in my life have actual lives of their own that do not revolve around me, so it's usually days of phone tag before contact is established. Established - from the Latin est, meaning "it is" - see, learning is fun! This scenario, while frustrating at times, is perfectly acceptable. We all have busy lives - hell, even I take forever to call people back. It just happens.

Having said that, if you're my doctor, I'm paying you to be at my beck and call during business hours. If I call for a prescription refill, send it to the pharmacy. If I call about a change in symptoms, call me back and tell me what to do. If you're part of the Wendy-getting-better process, wait by your phone. I'm going to call.

You respond to my increased pain with the always frustrating, never fruitful question, "Are you wearing your back brace?"
This makes my skin crawl in a special way. When I call my doctor during a bad flare-up to see what type of medical attention, if any, is needed, I do not want to hear about my back brace. First off, if I'm calling you, I've already tried the brace. And the stretching. And the pills and the deep breathing and all the other useless crap you tell me to do before someone has to shoot me full of narcotics and send me home to ~~wait to die~~ lie around alternating heat and ice until the flare-up is gone.

My problems will not be solved by a back brace. Also, I'm not stupid. I'm not lying around in pain, staring a my back brace and not making the connection that maybe I should try that for a while. Furthermore, my pain problem is not my back. So quit with the back brace nonsense.

You use "me" and "myself" interchangeably, and they're clearly not.
This is especially prevalent on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, and I will not get into why I know that on here. "The teams going into the challenge are Douche and Bag and Ego and Myself."

What? Did you learn nothing in school? Myself is either reflective or intensive. Observe:

I myself love attacking unsuspecting strangers like a ninja.
I broke out of prison all by myself. Just like a ninja!

Yes, I know that's a sentence fragment. But I'm blogging here! And it's for added effect. If you knew the way I talked, you'd understand. Fragments are part of my charm. Just like a ninja!

I'm sure I'll think of a few more of these as the time passes, but for now, let me attempt this thing called sleep, which would be a lot easier if my doctor had called in some sleep meds.

"Will You Think That You're All Alone When No One's There to Hold Your Hand?"

2010-06-14T00:56:00.000-04:00

OK, I really need to start blogging again. A lot has happened lately, but tonight I'm just going to focus on what it's like to watch someone near the end of their life. You guessed it - it sucks!

Wednesday, Paw (my grandfather on my mom's side) had a heart attack...AND NOBODY CALLED ME. Thank goodness my 15-year-old cousin updates his Facebook frequently. Also, hospice got involved a few weeks ago...AND NOBODY CALLED ME. Are you noticing a trend here?

I went to the hospital after work Wednesday night. Around 11 they moved him to the cardiac ICU. We went up to see him, and the double doors were shut with visiting hours posted. When this issue came up, I responded, "Well, they're not guarding the door, so I'm going in." And I did. The rest of the family followed after I got the OK from the nurses, and we said goodnight and went home.

I spent a lot of time there Friday, but he wasn't really alert at all. He looked right at me Saturday, though, and he was talking some. He ate some today, so I think that's an improvement. We still aren't sure what's going on, but it's really hard to be there and be so helpless.

I didn't really cry until Saturday night at work. I was sweeping the walk-in and just started bawling. Luckily, no one saw. I've been doing pretty well with it. There are worse things than people dying in their late 70s I suppose. He hasn't really been able to do things for himself for the past few years because of the Parkinson's. But it doesn't make it easy, and watching my grandmother cry is quite possibly the most depressing thing ever.

My mom was really upset, too, for obvious reasons. And if something happens I want my dad there, which I'm sure will cause unnecessary drama. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like the only grown-up. But right now I just feel like a little kid, and I don't want to lose somebody I love, and I know it's going to happen and I can't do anything about it.

And, though I know it's totally selfish and inappropriate to say, it really irritates me that apparently it only matters if you have pain in my family and you're old. My mom was crying because of Paw being in pain. I understand that, of course, because pain and I are intimately acquainted. I don't want anyone to be in pain. But I've been in pain for the last two years. We had 9 people in Paw's room yesterday. Yet the number of times my family visited me during my 11 months in bed is less than 20. So I got a visit about twice a month on average. I don't mean to seem petty, but I need to get that off my chest.

I don't remember what it feels like not to hurt. I want so badly to feel something good, just for a little while. And I know I could take a few of these pills and probably feel as good as I'll ever feel, and I don't. I choose pain over pills almost every time, because I'm afraid of what happens if I choose pills. But I've been dealing with this for two years now, and to my credit I've avoided addiction, which I consider a great accomplishment because I'm doing this the hard way.

But nobody notices. Just the fact that I have pills freaks out my mom, who keeps insisting they need to take me off of them. They need to take me off of pain - then I won't need pills. I still have bad days where I have to take something to get through work, but most of the time I just suffer through it.

Then I look at my grandfather in the hospital, and he's not himself anymore. I know he's hurting, if not physically then psychologically. His medication gives him confusion, and I know he's scared and he probably feels alone. And I know there are things worse than death.

Trying to sleep now, which hasn't worked out for me lately. Here's hoping Dr. Williams can give me some valium or something so I can have some peace, if only for a fleeting moment.

Internet, Sorry I Didn't Call Sooner

2010-04-27T00:32:00.002-04:00

Finally got my computer fixed. All is well, and I will be updating this more. Hopefully.

Welfare vs. Trust Funds

2009-04-18T03:36:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: I realize what I'm about to post will probably offend some Republicans and right-leaning moderates. Note: I said Republicans, not conservatives. Republicans are doing a great job of running their fragile party into the ground, so maybe this will be a wake-up call to gather up common sense and try to be decent people. No, not all Republicans are indecent. Some of my favorite people are Republicans (i.e. my dad). But it's time to be careful about who gets the microphone and who spouts off nonsense within earshot of thinking people (Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, whoever the spokesperson of the week is). I'm not going to skirt around the issues. I've had some things on my mind lately, and it's time to get them out in the open.

Welfare: This is a four-letter word to most Republicans. How dare tax dollars go to feed hungry children or help someone pay rent! First off, if you think you're entitled to have approval of every cent the government spends, you're living in a fantasy land. We also cannot reasonably expect every social program to work flawlessly. Just because there are problems does not mean the program should be eliminated. When your pitcher gives up a hit or two, you don't automatically put someone else in (unless you're the Yankess - get it together, guys).

The assumption that all people on welfare are lazy and don't want to work is ludicrous. I'm sure there are a few people who fit the bill, but it's certainly nowhere near a majority. In fact, many of these people work harder than those pulling in six figures. Have you ever gone to school full time while working two full-time jobs? I have. There are plenty of people like me. There are families who cannot feed themselves, and it doesn't mean it's their fault. This isn't a "what goes around comes around thing" - I don't believe in that after living through the last eight years of abuse of power.

Food stamps - or whatever new acronym they're using - is a great program to help feed people who don't otherwise have the means to feed themselves. Have you ever qualified for food stamps? I have. In fact, I'm looking into it now. I'm 26, and I've had a job since I was 16. I work hard and often. I have debt but I'm paying it off, I pay my bills, I pay taxes, but I got sick in June. What does that translate to? Essentially, I make -$550 a month. I don't think anyone who knows me would call me lazy if I sought government help.

These social programs are a way of raising the status quo. It is an absolute embarrassment that we live in a country with so much wealth and so many poor. I would be embarrassed to have a large salary now, unless I were giving a substantial part to various charitable organizations. Sure, I work hard for my money, but I'd rather do without some luxuries and allow my neighbor to have a roof over his or her head. I'd rather pay in a little more in taxes so other people can go to the doctor without fear of the cost.

But left-wing socialist liberals aren't the only ones who believe in helping out the less fortunate. The poor often take the rap for not working, but if you've ever been to college, you know there are plenty of well-off people who do nothing but self-destruct on someone else's dime. Which brings me to...

Trust Funds: Or, as I'd like to call it, rich people welfare. Have we ever really asked ourselves why we are so preoccupied with this ridiculous notion that someday we can all be rich? Why do the rich want so much money? The answer: so they don't have to work, or so they have to work less.

In college, as I mentioned before, I worked two jobs. I didn't get everything handed to me. I took out debt to pay expenses and class costs, I worked with mono to pay the bills, and I never asked for a penny. However, I know plenty of people who did absolutely nothing and were showered with money from parents or grandparents or whoever set up the monetary safety net. Now, there is nothing wrong with not working in college. There is something wrong, however, with an entitlement complex that gives you the mentality that you can get whatever you want simply by asking.

I've never had a trust fund, I'm quite certain I never will, and I don't plan on setting them up for my children, either. I'll save money for college educations and other such things, but I'm not giving my kids a windfall so they can take my place in whatever company I'm running and essentially sit at a desk and play Wii.

These wealthy individuals believe in helping the less fortunate as well, only they limit it to those who share their DNA. I want to help the less fortunate regardless of relation to me. Calling Democratic policies socialist because they aim to help the less fortunate obtain necessities is hypocritical. The nay-sayers need to do some self-reflection.

At the heart of it, we all, for the most part, have compassion for those less fortunate. Some of us are willing to act on a broader scope than others, but it should never been presented as a negative quality.

I Picked the Wrong Day to Wear a Pirate Shirt

2009-04-09T02:03:00.002-04:00

When I dressed myself Wednesday morning, I did not know there was a pirate seige a-brewin' off the coast of Somalia. In my defense, however, my shirt had Johnny Depp on it. He can seize my ship any time!

Speaking of inappropriate things, today I had my pelvic floor muscles injected with lydacaine and some other numbing agent. Don't flinch - it really wasn't that bad.

Steal This Car

2009-04-06T14:55:00.002-04:00

First off, yes, I sold out. Click the ads - I'm a poor person.

Every day, the same car alarm goes off. First off, no one ever pays attention to car alarms. They were cool in the '90s for about a minute, but if you hear one, you never think a car is actually being stolen.

The aforementioned alarm I hear every day is so annoying, and for just a moment, I wish someone will steal that damn car so I don't have to hear it anymore.

Now, I'm not advocating grand theft auto (at least, not in real life - feel free to play the game), but if you have a car alarm, please respond in a timely manner when it disturbs my peace.

Wendy Campbell Doesn't Live Here

2009-03-17T14:54:00.004-04:00

Dear Rude Phone Woman,

Please stop calling me asking for Wendy Campbell. I am not Wendy Campbell. I have corrected my name for you before, and if you can't get it right, you have no business calling me about "a personal business matter" or whatever it is you want me to say.

If you are going to take up my time by calling me and waking me up after I've only had one hour of sleep, you need to get my name right. How hard is it to read my name from a paper or computer screen? Here's my best recollection of today's conversation (some may be paraphrased if I can't remember the exact words):

Woman: "May I speak to Wendy Campbell?" Seriously? You still can't get it right? It's on my voice mail!

Me: "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number." This is true, as my number is not Wendy Campbell's number.

Woman: "This isn't Wendy Campbell?" Didn't I just address that?

Me: "No."

Woman: "Well, it sounds like Wendy." Well, you sound like a bee-otch, but I haven't pointed that out.

Me: "There's no Wendy Campbell here." Oh, snap! At this point, I figure she'd probably reference her list.

Woman: "I know this is Wendy Campbell. I remember your voice." So you have magical voice recollection but you can't remember my name? If you remember my voice, you remember talking to me, which means you should remember me correcting you about my name.

End of call.

Seriously, people, I'm happy to discuss whatever as long as you know who you're calling when you dial...especially if you wake me up.

Sorry for the Lapse

2009-03-15T04:27:00.002-04:00

MTSU is making budget cuts, and as of now, philosophy is on the list of majors and departments to get cut. I will be devoting my time to helping the cause, so I urge you all to check out my blog, Save MTSU Philosophy, in the meantime, as I will updating that one far more frequently until I succeed or go out in a blaze of glory.

Let Operation: Shawshank Redemption Commence!

2009-03-05T19:28:00.003-05:00

A quick note while I get settled in from seeing my dad. On my way up there, thanks to some tweets, I found out that MTSU is considering cutting a number of majors and/or programs in order to save money. Among them, of course, are my two majors: applied mathematics and philosophy.

First off, what kind of crappy-ass college doesn't offer philosophy as a major? Or applied mathematics for that matter? So, in response, I am starting a letter-writing campaign inspired by my favorite movie, The Shawshank Redemption. I will write one e-mail per day to MTSU President Sidney McPhee, the MTSU Faculty Senate, TBR, and anyone else I can think of. My goal is to also include one written letter each week, and my e-mails and letters will be inspired by various philosophers.

Take that, MTSU! Thanks for trying to screw me out of a degree even when I'm no longer enrolled.

I courage everyone to do the same. Er, I mean, write letters. Don't screw me. Unless you're Johnny Depp.

Who Will Take Home Oscar? I Predict It Will Not Be Me

2009-02-22T17:23:00.006-05:00

It's about time I pick my winners in the top categories, and who knows, I may even make a few predictions in the categories I know nothing about. I'd like to preface this by saying that due to my health, I haven't been able to see all the films as I typically do before Oscar Sunday (one of the five days of the year I refuse to work). In fact, the only film I've seen is The Dark Knight, so I'll be relying on my past good fortune of guessing who gets the prize.

Actor in a Leading Role
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
And the Oscar (probably) goes to...Mickey Rourke
This one is a tough call, as Penn and Pitt have also been widely acknowledged for their performaces in their title roles. Hollywood loves a comeback, probably because it gives the washed-up ones hope. With all the Slumdog Millionaire hype, this seems to be a year for the dark horse, which Rourke was until he started racking up all those statues at other ceremonies. Still, I'd be OK with a Pitt upset. Playing a character who looks old and acts young takes some mad skills, and the Academy should recognize him one of these years. Which brings me to...

Actress in a Leading Role
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winselt, The Reader
And the Oscar (better) go to...Kate Winslet
As soon as I saw previews for Rachel Getting Married, I knew Hathaway would get a nod. Winslet is the youngest actress to have racked up as many nods as she has, and the Academy needs to stop teasing her and just give her the statue already. The only thing that could spoil her chances...Streep. I say this because Winslet has already won for The Reader, but those wins were in the Supporting Actress category, and Streep picked up an Actor for Doubt.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Do I really need to list the nominees here?
Josh Brolin, Milk
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road
And the Oscar (definitely) goes to...Heath Ledger
I would bet everything I own on Ledger winning, and if he doesn't, there will be rioting in the streets. His parents are expected to accept on his behalf, and if that damn orchestra tries to play them off, I hope someone kicks the conductor's ass. I just hope they stop overusing the word "dude" when they announce Downey Jr. as a nominee.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams, Doubt
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marissa Tomei, The Wrestler
And the Oscar goes to...Penelope Cruz
Cruz has been overlooked before, but she always has the ability to appear not just as a beautiful woman but as a realistic character, embodying both good and bad qualities. It's a little risky putting up two actresses for Doubt, but that didn't keep Catherine Zeta-Jones from besting the competition, including fellow Chicago nominee Queen Laifah. Still, I'm banking on Cruz.

Animated Feature Film
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
Wall-E
And the Oscar goes to...Wall-E

Directing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire
And the Oscar goes to...Slumdog Millionaire
Am I the only one tired of hearing about this film? I think it will win, but I'm holding out silent hope for a Bejamin Button upset in this and the Best Picture categories. I was thrilled when Crash won a few years ago. Still, Slumdog won the DGA Award, which almost always means Oscar will follow.

Best Picture
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire
And the Oscar (despite my wishes) goes to...Slumdog Millionaire
I'm still hoping for a Benjamin Button upset, though, and I don't think it's completely out of the question.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Doubt
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire
And the Oscar goes to...Slumdog Millionaire
I think this is pretty much locked, and I'm OK with that. It would have to be a damn good screenplay to win all those awards, so I'm sticking by Slumdog for this one.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
Frozen River
Happy-Go-Lucky
In Bruges
Milk
Wall-E
And the Oscar (after much deliberation) goes to...In Bruges
If there's a wild card category this year, this one is it. I'm going with In Bruges, as this is one of the few categories that consistently recognizes comedy. Taking into account last year's winner, Juno, I think it's safe to bet on one with less hype. However, Happy-Go-Lucky and Wall-E have received their share of honors, and Milk is the only one nominated for Best Picture. Still, I'm going with In Bruges, which will either make me brilliantly correct or embarassingly wrong.

Art Direction
Changeling
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Duchess
Revolutionary Road
And the Oscar goes to...The Duchess
Though The Dark Knight is certainly deserving, the Academy loves to reward period pieces in this category, as well as in Costume Design.

Cinematography
Changeling
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire
And the Oscar goes to...The Dark Knight
I'm not just picking it because it's the only one I've seen, but typically movies with the kind of sequences like this film fare well in this category. Benjamin Button could take this one away, but I think The Dark Knight is more likely to get the prize.

Costume Design
Australia
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Duchess
Milk
Revolutionary Road
And the Oscar goes to...The Duchess
This one will be a close call, and the most likely spoilers are Australia and Revolutionary Road. However, big uncomfortable dresses usually have good odds at winning the statue, so I'm picking The Duchess.

Documentary Feature
The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)
Encounters at the End of the World
The Garden
Man on Wire
Trouble the Water
And the Oscar goes to...Man on Wire
I saw clips from this on The Colbert Report, and it is nothing short of impressive. It's already been honored at this year's BAFTAs.

Documentary Short
The Conscience of Nhem En
The Final Inch
Smile Pinki
The Witness - from the Balcony of Room 306
And the Oscar goes to...The Conscience of Nhem En
Reading synopses of these films, they all seem Oscar-worthy. I had a tough time deciding between this one, The Witness and Smile Pinki, but of all of these, The Conscience of Nhem En is the one I'd most like to watch, and that seems as good a reason as any.

Film Editing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire
And the Oscar goes to...The Dark Knight
Films with action sequences usually do well here, but I wouldn't be totally surprised if Slumdog pulls this one off, too.

Foreign Language Film
The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany)
The Class (France)
Departures (Japan)
Revanche (Austria)
Waltz with Bashir (Israel)
And the Oscar (might) go to...The Baader Meinhof Complex
I've read synopses of these, and I'm really just making a somewhat-educated guess. I'm not betting on Israel because it's animated, but any of these films sound intriguing. Again, I'm going with what I'd like to see.

Makeup
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
And the Oscar goes to...The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
This was a hard one, but using one actor to play so many different ages should be rewarded. I still think this one is a toss-up, but I'm leaning toward Benjamin Button, and hopefully the Academy will, too.

Music (Score)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Defiance
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire
Wall-E
And the Oscar goes to...Slumdog Millionaire
As much as I'd like to go for Benjamin Button, judging by the clips I've seen, Slumdog has less dialogue, making it's score a more vital part of the film. This is the same reason I picked Brokeback Mountain to win this category. The score takes you through the movie, filling in the quiet gaps. Though I haven't seen these films, Slumdog's score accomplished this in the few scenes I've watched.

Music (Song)
"Down to Earth" Wall-E
"Jai Ho" Slumdog Millionaire
"O Sava" Slumdog Millionaire
And the Oscar goes to...Wall-E
Slumdog has a risk of splitting it's vote, but it could still pull this off. However, animated films are usually front-runners in the song category, so I'm going with Wall-E

Short Film (Animated)
La Maison En Petits Cubes
Lavatory-Lovestory
Oktapodi
Presto
This Way Up
And the Oscar goes to...Presto
First, who named these films? I'm just guessing here, going with the film with the cute rabbit. It sounds like it would be entertaining, though that lavatory one just might be weird enough to win.

Short Film (Live Action)
Auf Der Strecke (On the Line)
Manon on the Asphalt
New Boy
The Pig
Spielzeugland (Toyland)
And the Oscar goes to...Spielzeugland
I was going to go with Manon because of the dying girl, but I opted for the hard-to-pronounce Spielzeugland, and not just because I want to see the presenter stumble over the words. It's about a German boy who thinks his Jewish neighbors are going to Toyland. I'm sure it's heart-breaking and Oscar-worthy.

Sound Editing
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
Slumdog Millionaire
Wall-E
Wanted
And the Oscar goes to...The Dark Knight
I debated between this, Wall-E and Iron Man, but I'm putting faith in the Batman. It could go to any of these nominees, really.

Sound Mixing
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Slumdog Millionaire
Wall-E
Wanted
And the Oscar goes to...Wall-E
I can't believe I'm picking this, but I think it has a shot at a sound award. It's my dark horse pick of the night.

Visual Effects
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Iron Man
And the Oscar goes to...The Dark Knight
Iron Man definitely has a shot at this one, but The Dark Knight had some great effects, and the camera-work was superb.

Well, those are my picks. It won't be long until we know the actual results, and you can bet on a blog update then.

"If My Heart Could Beat It Would Break My Chest"

2009-02-22T17:11:00.002-05:00

There's no better way to start a blog than with a reference to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical. I will make this quick, because once Oscar stuff starts, I will be unreachable, unless you're dead or on fire, in which case, stop, drop and roll, or stop haunting me.

I had a doctor visit Wednesday, and it cost $150 because I'm uninsured at the moment. Aetna has told me I can be reimbursed. Here's hoping it only takes two weeks, as they said on the phone. My doctor checked my ears, and said they look OK. She wants to do an MRI on my head, though, to be sure. I will be doing that the first week of March.

The real issue was my tachycardia. When I arrived, she had the nurse do my blood pressure and pulse standing first, then sitting. As I have mentioned before, my usual blood pressure is around 90/50, plus or minus 5 each way. My resting pulse is typically in the mid-70s.

Imagine our surprise, then, when standing my BP was about 120/80 and my pulse was 166. That would be a healthy pulse if I were three to six days old. Sitting, my BP was about 140/85 with a pulse of 133. What the hell happened? Suddenly I'm tachycardic and hypertensive?! My blood pressure has never been that high...it's never even been 120/80 before, not even right before surgery!

I'm supposed to be off caffeine and chocolate until they can determine what's causing it. The doctor said it could be dehydration, but I've been drinking eight cups of water each day, and I've only been having on Mountain Dew. Now I'm having water and caffeine-free Mountain Dew, and I'm thanking my lucky stars there is a key lime pie downstairs.

Argh. I think the next time a doctor tells me I have to be off caffeine, (s)he should be required to spend the first 48 hours with me. It's only been since Thursday, and it is not fun. Also, my resting pulse is still between 120 and 130. The highest it's ever been is 223, but that was back before we knew you could make meth out of Sudafed.

Please bring non-chocolate desserts, and many fluids!

We Are All Innocent...Except Blagojevich

2009-02-17T03:09:00.004-05:00

I'm lying here listening to David Cook's version of "Innocent," and I'm finding that it is indeed inspirational and calming, as though listening to these lyrics long enough will make them come true.

Today I found out that I have joined the ranks of the uninsured. Can anyone provide an intelligent argument against socializing health care? Health is not a privilege. You don't earn it, and you shouldn't have to buy it. After many phone calls, I was told they would reinstate the insurance one time but I would have to pay the full balance before they would do so.

You know what makes it easier to pay the full balance? When I actually get a bill, or a phone call, or, hell, even a notice of impending cancellation. Instead, Vanderbilt called seeking insurance information, and then informed me that Aetna had cancelled my coverage. I spoke with a woman at Aetna who actually (gasp) gave me the mailing address and balance due. For the bargain price of $424.68, I can continue going to all of the health care professionals who overcharge me as though there were money coursing through my veins.

I've never typed the word "coursing" before. It looks weird.

I spoke to my doctor today, and we agreed that if the Center for Pelvic Health thinks it's a good idea to inject things into me, we might as well go ahead and try that. I guess they've run out of places to put scopes, so now it's time to just start sticking me with needles. I'm not a fan of needles that don't come with the bonus of a piercing or tattoo, but I guess I can handle this.

And although it does seem incredibly trivial at this juncture, I have roots, and I had to cancel my hair appointment last week because I can't afford it. My hair looks like hell, my eyebrows need to be waxed, and I've been having the longest string of "fat days" I've ever had.

Yes, I know I'm not fat. Skinny girls have fat days, too.

Best. Diagnosis. Ever.

2009-02-13T00:28:00.003-05:00

I just had to blog this because it's too amusingly funny not to. I went to the Center for Pelvic Health (St. Thomas) today to get evaluated by some new specialists. The tests were the usual (pee in this cup, put your feet in these stirrups, etc.), but this one was new to me: While the nurse practitioner had her finger inside me (there's really no other way to put that) she asked me to squeeze it. I'm sorry, am I auditioning for a porno? After a few more things, she and the doctor determined that my pain is most likely musculoskeletal. They then went into several things they can do to "loosen up those muscles," including CT-guided nerve injections and muscle injections. Yep. My muscles are too tight. Now, where are those porno auditions?

For Those Who Pray, Meditate, or Just Shout at the Heavens

2009-02-11T13:51:00.002-05:00

Two people I love very much are going through some extremely difficult times right now. The first is Sarah, my sorority sister and dear friend. Her mother has brain cancer, and anyone who believes in a higher power needs to keep her family in their thoughts and prayers. The second is Kelli, a dear friend from high school. Her father was severely injured in a car accident, and she and her family need prayers of strength and hope. These two women are generous, kind souls, and they do not deserve the pain they are feeling. I hope that everyone who knows them tells them they are not alone.

This has put my own life into perspective. Sometimes I get lost in my struggles, and I forget all of the things I still have to be happy about. It seems like my current situation is pushing me to make a change, and maybe that's what I need. I'm passionate about so many things, and I think it's time I start focusing on them. I want to be a pastry chef, and maybe I need to just get out there and do it. I'm hoping to find a culinary school I can afford.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on as they say, and maybe I should start up my gratitude journal again. I wonder where that is. To all of my friends and family who have been supportive during my difficult times, and who continue to do so, I am forever grateful. Leslie, when I get better, you're definitely getting some free babysitting!

A Week of Firsts

2009-01-25T17:37:00.004-05:00

What a glorious week for not only the American people, but also for the people of the world. A great week for unheard voices, for the hopeless, and for the hopeful. A lot of firsts happened this week, and I'd like to address them now.

Tuesday was the first time Cheif Justice John Roberts swore in a President. It was also the first time he screwed it up. If you recall, I was against Roberts from the start. Take a walk down memory lane here: Aftershock.

It was Joe Biden's first time being sworn in as Vice President, and some will probably say the Inauguration was the first time he stopped talking for so long. I'm not one of those people. I like my VPs to be loquacious and informed. And as a shoutout to everyone who got sucked into this Joe the Plumber nonsense, I suggest a new moniker: Joe the Veep!

Tuesday, for the first time ever, we Inaugurated a President who wasn't white! Barack Obama is now our President, the first African-American to hold that office. He is indeed African-American, as his father was literally from Africa.

Typically, I'm not fond of the phrase, because it seems a bit ludicrous not to call us all Americans. I'm not a Welsh-American. My ancestors came over from Wales years ago, but I consider myself an American. Sure, I'm interested in my Welsh heritage, but it's heritage.

I'm certain this will be misconstrued by some, so let me clarify: I merely say this because I want us to get to a point where we no longer have to specify race when referring to people. Barack Obama is not just a great black man; he's a great man! It is his characteristics that make him great, his values, his rhetoric. Those same qualities in a man or woman of any decent would be just as noteworthy.

That being said, I also acknowledge that I am in no way qualified to speak for any group as a whole. Personally, I'd rather be called American. If you want to be called Welsh-American, or Anglo-American, or Martian-American or whatever, that is certainly your prerogative and your right.

Back to firsts, and pardon the previous diatribe. It's hard to stop me once I get going, and blogging can be a double-edged sword because the cadence and tone are not always apparent. It is far too easy to miscontrue written word at times, and yet I prefer it, despite how much talking I do.

Tuesday was also my first rectal exam. Yikes! When I was checking out at the doctor's office, I told the receptionist that I'd just had, "My first Obama rectal exam! Any my first Obama vaginal exam! And my first Obama Pap!"

Yes, my friends, I find the silver lining in everything. At any rate, I'd like for everyone to just think about what this week means. Can we finally put aside racial differences and truly see one another as equal Americans? Do we recognize the accomplishment we, as a nation, have made this week? Do we want to meet every new doctor ass-first?

I hope so. Well, except for that last one.

I'm currently working on "88 Lines about 44 Presidents," so please be patient.

Tuesday's Gone

2009-01-22T06:24:00.000-05:00

Hail to the chief!

I've been hailing to the chief since Tuesday, and I don't think I'll stop anytime soon. He's done more good in the first two days than many can hope to accomplish in a lifetime. He's sent a clear message of transparency...oh God that sounds like a horrible pun and I really just typed it that way. If I were trying to make a pun, you'd know by it being funny.

Speaking of funny, I gave the receptionist at my doctor's office a good laugh Tuesday when I celebrated "My first Obama rectal exam!"

Yeah, I wish I were kidding. But enough about my ass, it's party time! Obama and Oscar nods in one week! Hot damn!

Coming soon: 88 Lines about 44 Presidents

The Time Has Come to Look for the Snowdens of Yesteryear

2009-01-06T08:01:00.003-05:00

Yes, friends, that is correct. It is January, and every January, I read my favorite book, Catch-22, by the late great Joseph Heller. I've been doing this since my senior year of high school, so I guess that makes this the eighth year. Does anyone else think "eighth" looks really weird when you type/write it?

My freshman year of high school, I was in my journalism class when Bahar told us that several parents were attempting to have three books banned: Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, and Catch-22. Naturally, I went out and bought all three. You know, come to think of it, the word "Fahrenheit" looks kind of weird, too. No, I'm not on drugs. At least, I'm not on any good mind-altering drugs. The Gabapentin, which I started again Monday, has some weird neurological side effects, and it occasionally makes me an idiot. These things happen.

The frustrating thing right now is that I can't find the book! I have three copies. One is at Vicki's (last year's reading was a bit delayed due to the giant shitstorm that was my life), one is here, and then I have the best thing I ever bought: a signed copy with gold-leaf pages. I don't read that copy. It's mostly just to look at. I bought it with my first Starbucks check.

So now, I must look for this book, which is going to be quite difficult considering my lack of mobility. Then, my friends, I will delve into the world of Yossarian, our favorite anti-hero.

TAINTed Love?

2009-01-06T00:40:00.002-05:00

Best Headline Ever:

Can Obama Escape the Taint of Blagojevich?

Check it out here.

Moving on, good things have happened. My COBRA has been processed, and I am once again among the ranks of the insured! I got my meds finally, and it was only $10. Without insurance, it would have been $240. Capitalism in the health industry makes my soul die a little.

Last week, I got the SCARIEST BILL EVER. Apparently, I owe $24,000 and some change. I got a notice from a collection agency, but I never got an initial bill. I would have remembered a $24,000 bill. I nearly had a heart attack, but that would've been another $24,000.

That's all for now. I encourage anyone who reads this to harass me incessantly if I fail to update this daily. Please. I have the time, I just need a little push.

A Song Meme...I'm Bored

2008-12-30T14:06:00.003-05:00

I felt like doing something fun after that last depressing post, so this is just to amuse myself, and possibly you, as well. Do it if you want; ignore it if you want. I'm not much into tagging. You know the drill - set your music player to shuffle and answer the questions. I usually add song quotations that I think fit the category - just for fun. And to pass the time. Here goes!

Will I get far in life?
Peaceful Easy Feeling - The Eagles

"I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight." Sweet! I'll at least make it to the desert.

How do my friends see me?
Pink - Aerosmith

"Pink as the bing on your cherry." Well, I do wear a lot of cherry things.

Where will I get married?
I Love This Bar - Toby Keith

"If you get too drunk just sleep out in your car." Yep, I did that at Michelle and Jason's wedding. The booze will be aplenty at my wedding.

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Brothers in Arms - Dire Straits

"I've witnessed your suffering / As the battles raged higher / And though they did hurt me so bad / In the fear and alarm/ You did not desert me / My brothers in arms" This one fits Leslie best. It's a great song, used in my favorite episode of the West Wing.

What is the story of my life?
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

"I never want to see you unhappy / I thought you'd want the same for me / Goodbye, my almost lover / Goodbye my hopeless dream / I'm trying not to think about you / Can't you just let me be?" This is perfect. This is my life. To rip off Scrubs, if my heart could write songs, they'd sound like this.

What was high school like?
American Soldier - Toby Keith

"I'm real good under pressure, being all that I can be / I can't call in sick on Mondays when they weekend's been too strong" - Kind of a stretch, but I love this song. Actually, "I will always do what's right" fits as well.

How can I get ahead in life?
One Headlight - The Wallflowers

"There's got to be something better than in the middle" - I fell in love with this song at Governor's School. We used to listen to Bringing Down the Horse while doing laundry and shooting pool.

What is the best thing about me?
Drift Away - Dobie Gray

"And when my mind is free / You know a melody can move me" - That's right, friends. Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul.

How is today going to be?
Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison

"Though it's been a while now / I can still feel so much pain" I hope that's why this song came up. Today is my mom's wedding. Maybe it's an homage to divorce.

What is in store for this weekend?
Standing Still - Jewel

"Am I standing still?" Maybe I'm going to do physical therapy.

What song describes my parents?
Stranger on the Shore - Acker Bilk

No lyrics, just beautiful oboe sounds. That's fitting - both of my parents were music majors.

My grandparents?
Miami - Counting Crows

"It just gets hard to believe / That God sent this angel to watch over me" Aww. My grandparents have been married 51 years.

How is my life going?
Glasgow Love Theme - Craig Armstrong

Another instrumental. For Love Actually fans, it's the song that plays when Juliet watches the wedding video. I think it's suitable to my life. The song has such a longing to it. I adore it, and it will play at my wedding, as soon as I find someone crazy enough to marry me. Any takers? I'm getting desperate here.

What song will they play at my funeral?
Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton

"Would you know my name / If I saw you in heaven?" Yay! They better play this song at my funeral, or I'm going to have to come back and haunt some people.

How does the world see me?
Love Story - Taylor Swift

"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone / I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run / You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess" I guess the world knows of my aspirations at marrying Prince William.

Will I have a happy life?
Help Somebody - Van Zant

"Don't get too high on the bottle / And get right with the man / Fight your fights, find your grace / And all the things that you can't change / And help somebody if you can" I adore this song. I believe it's important to give to others. "If you want to hear God laugh tell Him your plans" works as well.

What do my friends really think of me?
Laid - James

"But she only comes when she's on top" In my defense, this song didn't give me a lot to work with. It's a good song, though, and the James version is way better than the remake.

Do people secretly lust after me?
Why Don't You and I - Santana and Chad Kroeger

"Everytime I try to talk to you / I get tongue-tied / Turns out everything I say to you / Comes out wrong and never comes out right / So I'll say why don't you and I get together / And take on the world and be together forever" I forgot about this song! How fitting.

How can I make myself happy?
Cliffs of Dover - Eric Johnson

Yet another instrumental. I love this song, and while I know very little about guitar, I know that Eric Johnson is one of the top guitarists in the world. This song does make me happy when I listen to it, or when I play it on Guitar Hero III Legends of Rock. I should make this my ring tone.

What should I do with my life?
I Hear the Bells - Mike Doughty

"Let's go make out up in the balcony" Why not? I've got time. Of course, getting to the balcony is the hard part.

Will I ever have children?
Angel from Montgomery - Bonnie Raitt and John Prine

"I am an old woman named after my mother" I guess that's a yes? This is my favorite version of this song.

What is some good advice?
Rest Stop - Matchbox 20

"So I thought, hell, if it's over / I had better end it quick or I could lose my nerve" Sure, why not. Break-up advice is good advice.

What is my signature dancing song?
Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

"It wears me out / It wears me out" This isn't a good dancing song, but it is a damn good song.

What do I think my current theme song is?
Talk Dirty to Me - Poison

"Baby, we'll be / At the drive-in / In the old man's ford / Behind the bushes / Until I'm screamin' for more / Down the basement / Lock the cellar door / And baby / Talk dirty to me" I love this song. I'd say "Hard Candy" by Counting Crows is my theme song, but this has potential.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
White Horse - Taylor Swift

"I'm not a princess / This ain't a fairy tale / I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet / Lead her up the stairwell / This ain't a Hollywood / This is a small town / I was a dreamer before you went and let me down / Now it's too late for you and your white horse / To come around" Apparently, everyone thinks I'm a lovesick princess wannabe. All kidding aside, though, this song is fitting as well. Freaky how these things work.

What type of men/women do you like?
Wild Horses - The Sundays

"You know I can't let you / Slide through my hands" Yes, I like the Rolling Stones version as well, but this is the one that popped up on shuffle. This song will also be at my wedding. Dear Lord, the princess songs do fit me. I'll be coming back to reality any day now...

What did you think of this meme?
Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9

"And this shouldn't concern you, except that / Just don't expect to get your bloody black backpack back" Another song I forgot about.

Resolved OR Year in Review

2008-12-30T13:33:00.004-05:00

It's that time of year when we all choose the New Year's resolution that we will inevitably break. I'm aiming high for 2009, because I'm quite certain it can't possibly suck as bad as 2008. Or 2007 - what a terrible disaster of a year that was.

This year, I'm keeping it simple: I want my 23" waist back. Yes, this is shallow. I'm OK with that, though. I've been in bed since June 1, and I can't do cardio. I don't use my legs very much, and my body has morphed into an unrecognizable mushy flesh thing. Yes, I'm aware most people don't even notice, but I do. You really don't want to look at my ass, people - there's some mighty unappealing cellulite.

So, in 2009, I will get better. And when that happens, I'm going back to handstand push-ups, Pilates, exercise bikes and ankle weights when I do laundry. I'm going to get in shape - preferably not round.

But don't be fooled, my friends - I'm not changing my diet. I will still eat more bacon than a reasonable person would. I will still not eat veggies, unless, of course, they are cooked in bacon. I will not eat salad or drink diet anything. I will do things the way I always have - burning more calories than I take in until I'm back to 108, and doing cardio until I burn the fat.

There is a down side, though: I'm quite certain my breasts will go down a cup size or two (hopefully not two) once I get to fat-burning. Sigh. I guess it's one of life's conundrums.

Looking back over 2008, a lot has happened to me. In March, I left Chattanooga to move back to Hendersonville. It was a hard decision, because to me it was like admitting failure - again! I should backtrack to say I had to drop out of college a few years ago when the money ran dry. That was life failure No. 1. No. 2 is not being able to make it in another city. In my defense, however, the circumstances were beyond extenuating: parents' divorce, grandmother's heart attack and stroke, Josh's death - the icing on the cake. I was barely making it, and when Josh died, I shut down. I was unable to function. I still cry on Sept. 22. I don't think I'll ever be able to work that day.

Anyway, back to my failures. I left Chattanooga in search of greener pastures, after having stepped down from Store Manager to Assistant Store Manager due to my inability to give my partners the attention they need and deserve from a manager. It was the right decision, but it was hard, and so 2008 marked my return to ASM status. It actually happened Black Friday of 2007, but holiday is kind of a blur anyway.

I stayed on Vicki's futon until my apartment was ready, and I was there a whole week before I got sick. My sister and friends unpacked my stuff, and I set up shop in the bed. No TV, no Internet...just me and my thoughts. And 500 MENSA sudoku puzzles, which I aced!

Now, here I am, collecting long-term disability while the doctors scratch their heads and my physical therapist says such nonsensical things as "You don't need to be in bed." Right. Because I had a good day at physical therapy, meaning I walk 1/13 of a mile! And it only took 20-25 minutes. And then I went home and cried because the pain was unbearable.

Christmas was a bad day as well. Had I been insured (my COBRA paperwork has not been processed yet), I would have been in the hospital. Instead, I cried in bed for two hours, took extra muscle relaxers, and braved the family gathering.

Some good things happened, too. I got really good at Guitar Hero. Seriously, I play on expert, and it isn't hard for me. Jackson turned one, so I drugged up and went to the party. It was fun! Leslie survived her first year, so we had dinner as the first meeting of the Widows and Cripples Club! I sewed many things, which I am still doing, and with any luck, you'll all good your Christmas cards by Valentine's Day.

Both of my parents got engaged this year, and in an hour, my mom is getting married. So all was not lost, but I feel like part of me is. And now, before I depress us all, I'm signing off.

A Meltdown of the Non-Nuclear Variety

2008-12-09T09:18:00.002-05:00

Six months ago I wouldn't have believed I'd be here, in bed, 11 days from my birthday. And all I want for my birthday is peace of mind, not to sound like I'm ripping off Boston or anything. Christmas list, as I told my family, "Money to pay all those bills Vanderbilt likes to keep sending me." Oh, and electric, phone, and car insurance, and my now expired tags, and my debt payment, and January rent because I sure as hell won't have that when the new year rolls around.

Seriously. If this gets any worse they're going to write a bloody Broadway musical about it. And if I don't stop watching Hell's Kitchen, people are going to start thinking I'm British. That is, if I ever saw people, which I don't.

That's depressing, by the way. I don't recommend being a hermit. I guess if I were Thomas Pynchon I could live without social interaction, but I'm not, and I can't. I am, however, going to dig into Gravity's Rainbow once Christmas is over and I can stop sewing 8 hours a day. It sure does make the time fly, though, and yesterday, I mastered my first French knot stitch! Sweet! That's been giving me trouble for the past 12 years. I can't wait to tell my mom!

(seconds later)

I just did, via a text message! I'm also working on some new dessert recipes. It's a little frustrating, however, as I can't actually get to my kitchen and test any of them. In my head, they are fabulous and tasty!

I'm using some vacation time to get some pay, but that sucks because I really need a vacation. And, yes, I'm aware that I'm not doing any actual work now, but I need a change of scenery. Hell, put me on bedrest in the Caymans, or even Cuba. At least health care is free there.

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

2008-11-22T19:04:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year when it's time to give credit where credit is due. After being bedridden for 5 1/2 months, I've watched a lot of TV. In fact, I'm currently engrossed in a Trading Spouses marathon. It's a real eye opener.

Growing up, I don't think I really knew how good I had it. I had two parents who loved me and always put my needs ahead of theirs. I had a big bedroom, my own bathroom, a walk-in closet, and a car I didn't have to pay for. I got a job because I wanted one, but I didn't have to. My parents never made me do anything they let me decide how I wanted to spend my free time. They supported me when I was a gymnast, they supported me when I was an actress, and they supported me during everything in between.

Now, it's hard for me sometimes. I have trouble seeing the silver lining, but I've been doing my best. Most days, I'm good at it. My health coach (yes, I'm serious) called Sunday, and we talked for about an hour. She said I was in the best spirits of anyone she'd talked to all week, and, as she put it, "and you're there in agony." I guess I'm using the blog to remind myself of the good things, because I had a bit of a meltdown last night. Being completely dependent on other people and lying in bed all day is a lot harder than it sounds.

As I told my health coach, I can't keep this pain from affecting my body, but I can keep it from affecting my personality and my psyche. I have a roof over my head. Somehow every day, despite being unable to get to the kitchen, I get fed. I can pay my living expenses, for the most part, and I'm doing a dandy job of avoiding those pesky collection calls for all of the medical bills that I intend to pay eventually. But this is a recession ... and I'm not convinced it won't be a depression of sorts. I'm not getting paid in full, and I sure do buy a lot of pills. I'm doing my best.

I have a great family to help. My sister comes over sometimes to bring me lunch, and we usually end up watching a movie or something. My grandparents have come to visit and bring food. Both aunts have helped transport me to doctor visits, and Beth did some cleaning and decorating. My uncles have helped out, too. My mom and Mike have been by, and I've even gotten to see my Dad and Laura a few times.

I have the best friends in the world. Dan stays with me and keeps me fed and entertained with board games and video games. Michael brings food, and her kids and magical husband. We have a good time together, and she's a great cook. Leslie brings food and cute offspring. Every time I see Jackson I can't help but smile. He is by far the happiest child I have ever seen. He is always smiling and laughing. It's like he already knows how many people love him. My woman Vicki comes over to make me Hamburger Helper and rock out with me on Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

I've been able to help out at the high school, going up there for an hour or two to help with the play during dress rehearsal or do improvs with the Theatre I classes. It's a good way to pass time and feel like a productive member of society. I can't stay long, and I have to up the meds, but it helps. During dress rehearsal, I got to read the part of the Cowardly Lion due to a family emergency that kept the actress cast in that role from being at rehearsal. It was fun to take that walk down memory lane.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful to everyone who has supported me this year. To my family and friends, I am forever in your debt, and I will never be able to repay the kindness and support you have shown me. To my kick-ass doctor, Dr. Rickard - who is my favorite of all of my doctors - thank you for always listening to me and for being willing to spend a little extra time and thinking outside the proverbial box.

That is all for now. This episode has a lesbian couple that's trading a wife with a straight couple. Awesome! Sometimes TV is a good thing. Oh, I almost forgot: I am thankful for the Democrats winning in November! And I'm thankful I sold some of my stock before the market went to hell.

Hell Yeah to the Chief!

2008-11-06T01:20:00.002-05:00

If I hadn't been completely and utterly unable to tear my eyes from the television, I would have blogged live during one of the greatest nights in recent memory. Actually, due to my meds, I don't have that many recent memories, so I'll go ahead and say it was one of the greatest nights of my life.

Tuesday morning I woke up, donned my Obama hoodie and VOTE hat (which had the Obama logo as the "O"), and headed to the polls. While waiting in line in unseasonally warm weather, a guy from a local pizza place brought pizza for people in line. How awesome! It took me two hours to get from outside the church to the table where the workers confirm your voting eligibility and give you that piece of paper that you have to take to the worker at the booth. However, after that, I got to go to the front of the line! Sweet! I didn't ask to go to the front of the line, mind you, because if I'd already waiting two hours, another 20 or 30 minute isn't really a big deal. But the kind lady wheeled me to the first available booth, where I cast my ballot for Obama!

After some regrouping at the apartment, I went to pick up my cookie cakes. One was a domino cookie with "Obama 08" in blue and white icing, and the other was a chocolate chip cookie with "Jan. 20th 2008" in blue and white icing. Then I got some cheap, but surprisingly good, champagne. After Jeopardy, it was time to watch the country turn blue.

After we had secured Pennsylvania and Ohio, it was time for cookie cake celebrations! The champagne, of course, had to wait until polls closed in the West, ensuring a glorious landslide victory for Obama/Biden! I kept randomly outbursting things like, "We did it!" the rest of the night and most of today. I don't think I'll stop doing that for a while.

McCain gave a great speech, despite a few at his rally booing Obama. Why can't these people get a clue? McCain is a class act, and I believe his speech was sincere. As much as I dislike his politics, and as much as I am disgusted by the way his campaign was run, I do have tremendous respect for him. I know he has done good for this country. I know he believes in America as much as Obama does. I know he will be instrumental in uniting the parties after Obama is sworn in. The people at the rallies who have come to think that booing the President-Elect and shouting hateful things is acceptable behavior are doing McCain and the Republican Party a tremendous disservice.

As a side note, watching Palin was thoroughly enjoyable. She looked like a bad soap actress who just lost a Daytime Emmy and is trying to look happy for the winner. I think she thought they were going to win. I think she really thought she was going to be the Vice President and then the President. I think she really thought she was going to run the Senate! Go back to Alaska where they still like you. She gave a decent interview about needing unity, but I didn't believe her. She didn't seem to believe the words she was saying.

Now let's get to Obama's speech. I know I'm not the only one who teared up. I have never been prouder of this nation than that moment. His speech was incredible. I cheered, I toasted his upcoming term, and I felt that for the first time this century, we're on the right track. Last night meant so much, and it's not just because we finally reach a milestone by electing a black man. We came together and with a resounding voice we told the nation, and the world, that eight years is enough! We are ready, willing, and finally able to bring about some great changes, to make America live up to its ideology.

And then I couldn't help but feel saddened that during this monumental occasion, our President-Elect had to give his acceptance speech behind bullet-proof glass. We've come so far, but we have so far to go. But at least now, I am hopeful.

And, finally, California: What the fuck?! Prop. 8? Really?!

I have great concerns with all of this legislation about who can get married. What's next, banning interracial marriages? Banning marriages against socio-economic lines? Of course not. That sounds ludicrous. I feel about gay marriage the same way I feel about abortion: If you're against it, don't do it. Seems like a pretty easy thing to me. If you want a theocracy, so live in Vatican City. Try as you might, you cannot instill morality through legislation. And, to all you skeptical right-wingers, especially the evangelicals, you're missing the silver lining: gay divorce! If half of marriages end in divorce, what sanctity is there to protect?

"Sanctity of marriage" is a figment of someone's imagination. If it were true, there wouldn't be divorce. Granted, some people who enter into marriage believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that's fine. I myself plan only to marry once, and I plan to marry a man, but what is right for me isn't necessarily right for everyone else. Not everyone sees marriage in the same way. Not everyone sees a religious tie to marriage. Some people get married at City Hall. If you are a church, you are seperate from the government, and if you only want to marry heterosexual couples, I guess that's your prerogative. But don't let it ooze into the legislation.

"Just a Small Town Girl, Livin' in a Lonely World"

2008-11-02T08:20:00.002-05:00

Well, I'd be lying if I said I felt good today, but I had a blast yesterday during my brief foray into mainstream society, if you can call my friends mainstream, and I certainly wouldn't.

The day started with me trying in vain the change my eyebrow ring to a captive bead ring, but I couldn't get the damn bead in. I should probably ask my sister how she managed to do it back when she had her eyebrow pierced. Yes, friends of mine, my sister once had her eyebrow pierced. When I couldn't get the hoop in, I opted for a funky curly ring.

I donned a cute dress, tights, and my Mary Janes, and got all dolled up for the day. I even wore make-up! This was a huge deal for me, as I can count on one hand the number of times I've worn something other than sweats and pajamas over the past five months.

First stop: Kari's baby shower. When I wheeld into the house, I squealed with delight when I saw not only my Little Sister Kari, cute as a button, and Melissa, who we later discovered is my Great-Grand Little, but also Laurie, my adopted little. At the baby shower, I totally dominated baby games! It came with the awesome joy of giving Kari more baby gifts! I enjoyed reading the backs of the packages in my game show host voice.

After the shower, it was time to trek from Murfreesboro to the Old Hickory Country Club in the Hermitage area. I wheeled next to Amber for the ceremony. Amber's hair had grown out and was totally cute. I really think she could pull off just about any hair style. I also finally got to meet Cox's girlfriend Alana, who is super cool. It was a lovely reunion with Patrick, Loren, Lindsey, Amber, Cox, Alana, JR, Alan, Nick, Kristin, and Lonnie - and, of course, the happy couple whom I will hereafter refer to as Amanderson - Manderson and Amanda. If I forgot anybody, I'm sorry, but, as I'm sure you noticed, I was on a LOT of drugs.

At the reception, we had a great time. The food was really good, and the booze was free! Props to Amanda's parents for footing the bill for the gorgeous wedding. Cox helped me wheelchair dance to "Build Me up Buttercup" and Patrick wheeled me to the dance floor during "Thriller," balancing me on my back two wheels. What a blast! I also did my pop-and-lock style arm ripple, and shook what I could like a Polaroid picture during "Hey ya."

However, what might be the most memorable part was the combination of belting/screaming "Don't Stop Believin,'" which I have now decided should be played at every wedding. We all stood in a circle - except for yours truly, of course, as I cannot stand - and if our goal was to be as loud as possible, we certainly succeeded.

I got home around 10 last night and woke up around 4 a.m., getting a healthy seven hours of sleep. No, my math is not wrong. The time changed last night. I got more sleep, and those of you boozing it up afterward got an extra hour of drinking time. Now, here I am, typing, in an unbelievable amount of pain, which I expected. I was tempted to leave early, but as I told Patrick, I'd still be hurting if I went home, and I wanted to stay with everyone as long as possible, because who knows when I'll see everyone again. I'm bummed I didn't make it to the post-wedding festivities, but I really needed to get out of the chair and lie down.

All in all, it was great fun. Congrats to Amanderson, who were positively lovely. Amanda was gorgeous, and she was also entertaining during the ceremony. They looked really relaxed, like they were enjoying themselves. It's quite refreshing because so many weddings are so tense.

Today's agenda, or lack thereof, is uneventful compared to yesterday. Right now, I'm just trying to recuperate.

"What's My Age Again?"

2008-10-30T15:38:00.002-04:00

I was doing my civic duty of e-mailing my Congressman, Bart Gordon, and for some reason, I listed my age as 26. I noticed it and changed it, but I'm a bit disturbed that I forgot how old I was. I'm also having trouble counting. I'm going to be sure to mention this to my awesome doctor, because hopefully this side effect is temporary, as I've read. Otherwise, we've got a problem.

Socialism Is Not a Four-Letter Word ... But Bank Is

2008-10-29T00:51:00.003-04:00

The latest attempt to get us all running for the hills seems to be a feather in McCarthy's cap. Didn't we learn our lesson last time? I wasn't even born yet, and I still got it. What is this, Red Scare Part Pi? Or is throwing around the word "socialism" all willy nilly the new black? I thought Obama was the new black. What is it, people? Are we supposed to be scared of Obama because he's black or red? I'm going to remain unaffraid. After all, it is Halloween time. I'm saving all of my fear for zombies and goblins.

Why are people so afraid of the word socialism? I get the negative connotation from the USSR and the Cuban Missile Crisis and all that, but it's over now. Actually, it was over a while ago. Please, stop me before I break out into, "We Didn't Start the Fire."

All kidding aside, socialism isn't all bad. Actually, it's quite good, when applied correctly. Let's break it down:

social: a good word with a good connotation. Social services aren't scary; school socials aren't scary; Social Security is a little scary, but that's mainly the security part.

ism: a suffix, and no suffix is scary. Now, if it were called "socialdeathism" I could see where the fear factor comes into play, but lots of isms are just dandy, including the one and only capitalism, not to mention monotheism.

socialism: stop you Commies!

I just don't get it.

Am I the only here who finds it ironic that we barely had time to breathe once the $700 billion bailout was passed before we started hearing about how scary socialism is? I'm concerned about this precedent - our government being able to socialize what it wants to socialize, which inevitably will be who is padding the pockets of Capitol Hill.

This brings me to McCain wanting to buy housing loans. This is ludicrous. I know this was a terrible thing, but I'm an intelligent person, and as an intelligent person, as badly as I want a Lamborghini, I'm not going to buy one because I can't afford it. I don't care if someone tells me I can. I know I can't, so I'm not buying a Lamborghini, and I automatically distrust anyone thinking I even qualify to buy one in the first place.

When it came time to buy my car, I bought a reliable one that was going to last at least as long as I have to make the payments. Oh, how I love my affordable Nissan Sentra. I also understand that making such a purchase, I take a risk (in this case, an assumption) of this item losing value over the time that I own it. I certainly don't think the government should buy my car loan and then refinance my car just because it's worth less now that I wanted it to be, or because I took a payment that I knew I couldn't afford.

We need to do more than just bailouts. We need to regulate and educate. I've never bought a house before. Odds are, when it's time to buy one, I'm not going to know what to expect. Wouldn't it be nice if, someone along the lines of my 18 years of schooling, someone might have mentioned some of these key life lessons? I thank my lucky stars for all of the insurance classes I took. At least I know a thing or two about estate planning, car insurance, homeowner's insurance, and the like.

I know this is a huge clusterfuck. I know my stock is losing value everyday, and I'm losing money everyday. Stock is an investment. I took a risk. The consequences are mine and mine alone. You'd think right-wingers would share my viewpoint about this, seeing as how it's always them versus the big bad government. I guess things change when it's their money and livelihood at stake.

My Fellow Tennesseans, Stop Acting Like Douchebags

2008-10-28T02:40:00.002-04:00

While watching The Colbert Report tonight, I learned that an East Tennessee man named his daughter Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak. As if this isn't asinine enough, he did it without discussing it with his wife. You know, the woman who gave birth to the kid! He claims he did it because he can't contribute to the campaign financially. He actually wasn't going to name the damn kid John McCain, but apparently he had enough sense not to do that.

I'm a big supporter of the Obama/Biden ticket, but I'm not going to go around naming children after them. Maybe a fish or something, if I really felt like it, but certainly not a child. My political views will never be more important than my children. And for those wanting to make the abortion argument, I'll go ahead and stop you. Pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion, much like pro-life does not mean pro-stay-of-execution. OK, bad example, but you get the point I'm making.

I didn't think anything could top the baby story, but then I read about a thwarted attempt to kill Obama. The culprits? Two neo-Nazi skinheads who were arrested in Bells, Tenn. Apparently, these jackasses (I've never met them, but I'm OK labeling them) had a plan to kill 88 people, Obama being the final target. And they had wardrobe plans: white tuxedos and tophats. I guess that's in case we didn't immediately get the obvious reason why two white supremecists would want to kill a black man.

So, all snarky jokes aside, I'm actually going to make a point here.

STOP THE FEAR-MONGERING!

Seriously. This is getting out of control. I realize most people who are voting Republican actually believe in John McCain. Good. That's why you vote. I don't agree with you, but I still think you should vote. I don't think all Republicans are racists, and I don't think all McCain supporters are racists.

However, I do think the Republican Party has fallen by the wayside in this election, reverting to the fear tactic a few too many times. And I have to say I was glad when John McCain finally stood up and told those people at his rally that Obama is a good guy, and people don't have to be afraid of him. Should it have come as a response to a question from the audience? No, he should've started the rally with it. Both he and Palin should have stated at the beginning of each rally, after that first cry of "kill him," that such remarks do not reflect what the party stands for.

The point is, we shouldn't have to be telling people this. And I'm sure people across the board are going to be up in arms over this. Now, before you start reading to much into this, no, I'm not insinuating that GOP rallies have anything to do with this attempt. Obviously, these guys were going to plan something regardless of what else was said.

And keeping along those lines, anyone who says Obama is going to get assassinated if he is elected is just narrow-minded and uninformed. Sure, there may be more threats, or, at least, threats from different groups. But the President of the United States is granted the same Secret Service protecting regardless of race, and I have faith that the men in women who protected Bush, Clinton, Bush, Reagan, Carter, and Ford will do the same for the next President.

It's time we, as a country, just took a deep breath and relaxed a little. The election is next week. If you are really passionate about a candidate, do what I do and volunteer. When I call people for Obama, I certainly don't say anything negative about John McCain or Sarah Palin. I don't insinuate that we all need to duck and cover if they win. I don't even mention them. I'm quite certain that in the 145 calls I've made already, I haven't even said either of their names. And I doubt I'm going to say either of their names in any of the calls I'm going to make this week, unless I happen upon someone who doesn't know who is running for President. That's what campaigning should be.

A Few Things That Are Pissing Me Off: Republican Edition

2008-10-27T21:59:00.003-04:00

I've been camped out in bed for months now, so chances are, if it's on TV, I've seen it. All of this campaigning has really got me thinking, which, of course, means I'm voting Obama/Biden. The McCain campaign has gone from bad to worse, and instead of opting to bow out gracefully, he's going to end up being dragged away kicking and screaming.

Let's start with Joe the Plumber, a man who is neither a Joe nor a (licensed) plumber. McCain is staking his campaign on this man he has admittedly never met. This latest batch of ads has a barrage of people saying, "I'm Joe the Plumber." No, you are not! Joe the Plumber isn't even Joe the Plumber! You're Rita the Republican or Peter the Pro-Lifer. All of this is reminiscent of those "I am Tiger Woods" commercials. The difference is, people want to be Tiger Woods. He's a role model, a public figure, a successful athlete. He's not some schmuck who owes back taxes and got dragged into the campaign against his will. McCain is hoping we will just ignore this, I guess, and keep buying into this false everyday hero nonsense. He might as well start harping about Puff the Magic Dragon. It sure sounds like someone in the McCain camp did just that.

Moving on, let's address McCain's friends. According to McCain, anyone who owns a television is his friend. I like to call things of this nature "security phrases" - things we say repeatedly, usually without realizing it, in order to reassure ourselves and return to our comfort zones. I know, Barack has one, too, but didn't you read the title? This is the Republican edition. I'll get into the Democrats, later, because we've got issues, too. When McCain doesn't know what he's saying, or when he's afraid that just saying it is going to sound, well, idiotic, he throws in "my friends." I guess he wants to elicit a response along the lines of, "Awww, McCain is my friend! Who cares what he stands for? He's my friend!" I've got news for you - McCain is not your friend. He's a politician. He's playing the game, trying to get votes, just like anyone else who's ever run for President.

Now I'd like to talk about taxes and spending, two things Republicans love talking about. I don't know who can be dumb enough to think that, in the current disaster that is our economy, we can keep going at our current rate without raising taxes. We're going to have to cut spending, and if we can't cut enough of it, get out your checkbooks, folks, it's time to ante up. If you don't want to pay taxes, you're living in the wrong country. Taxes pay for all those things we take for granted, like roads, police officers, fire departments, and other such service we've become so accustomed to having. If we didn't have taxes, we'd have no one to uphold all those laws we like to pass, and we'd have no one to pass them. Think of it as a giant homeowners' association or a Sam's Club. You've got to pay your membership fees to enjoy the perks. I suppose if you want to forgo police officers and just hope civil unrest doesn't happen, maybe we can discuss this tax issue again. Until then, it's time to start acting like an adult. You can't always get what you want, but you shouldn't be bitching for getting what you need.

Finally, I'm going to spend a few minutes on Palin. Granted, there could be a whole blog about this, so I'm only going to hit the highlights. First, sorry GOP, but I don't vote for a candidate because of gender, and neither will Hillary supporters. That ship has sailed. We've had eight years of dealing with a complete imbecile in the White House, and we aren't going to pass the torch to another administration that doesn't have even the slightest chance of not completely running this country further into the ground.

Running Palin on the notion that "she's just like me" is stupid. For starters, Palin is nothing like me, other than perhaps we have the same natural hair color, and we are both female, but she is far from a feminist. She sets women back decades with her complete incompetence. Who can't name a newspaper she reads daily? Who goes into an interview without having the slightest clue what the Bush Doctrine is? Who accepts a position for a job when she doesn't even know what that job is, which she said back in July.

Second, even if she were just like me, that certainly doesn't qualify her to be Vice President or President. I want someone better than me, and I'm certainly not the bottom of the genetic barrel. I want an active progressive, someone who isn't afraid to stand up for what is unpopular when it is right. I want someone with a terminal degree, or at least a couple of degrees. I want someone respected by more than just the state that elected her, and I want someone willing to talk about more than just that state. I want someone who keeps up-to-date on world affairs. I want a leader, not a power-hungry governor who uses her special needs child to get votes. That is shameful. She is shameful, and it's time we sent a clear message that to be President of this country, you need to be a little more qualified than Palin or Joe the Plumber.

That's all for this edition of "A Few Things That Are Pissing Me Off." Stay tuned for more - I'm sure I'll think of something.

Socialism 1, Capitalism 0

2008-10-06T15:13:00.004-04:00

Here I am, laid up in bed as usual, passing the time by watching On Demand on my new cable! It helps to break up the monotony. I'm also making good progress on my Christmas ornaments.

My disability has been denied, and I have to appeal it, which is all OK except that if they deny my appeal, I lose my job, and I won't even be able to blame that on the Bush Administration. What a sad day for me! I'm sure they'll approve it because I've told them I have two doctor appointments this week, one of them being the Vanderbilt Pain Clinic, so I'm confident they will provide documentation that I'm a bedridden medical mystery.

So the bailout passed, despite my pleading e-mail to Bart Gordon begging him not to vote for it. I can't even begin to describe how much this sickens me. I have my own debt, thank you very much, and I've worked hard to find a way to pay it off. I certainly am not equipped to pay for someone else's debt, and I certainly don't think the Wall Street idiots who created this debacle should get a check to reward their incompetence. This is capitalism, and as much as I find it flawed, this is the point: businesses that don't fit the needs of the consumers go under. Adapt, or shut down.

Speaking of the evils of capitalism, when are we going to socialize health care? Come on, people, I have medical bills out the ass. My first ER visit was nearly $8000! I have insurance, so my portion is considerably less, but it's still more than I have when I'm not able to work. Sigh.

Here are my thoughts on the VP debate: Was Palin running for Homecoming Queen? Who winks four times in a debate on serious issues? She didn't even answer the questions! I'm not surprised. As for Biden, I want to have his babies.

That is all for now. I'll update this more now that I have Internet!

OK, I'm Drawing the Line on Palin and Republicans

2008-09-13T15:55:00.004-04:00

Seriously, people, what the fuck? That's all I can think to say. I watched the Palin interview yesterday, and it was the most amateur, frightening thing ever. So I just have to rant about this because if I keep it all inside my head will explode.

You can see Russia from parts of Alaska?! Who the hell cares?! That doesn't qualify you to HAVE THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES, or, as Palin would say, NUCULAR launch codes. You know who else pronounces it that way? Homer Simpson!

Ever since McCain announced his running mate, I was apalled, and not just because I'm so liberal I'm almost a socialist, but because I'm a woman. I am an intelligent woman, and I am shocked (although I shouldn't be) that Republicans, whom I don't hold in high regard as a group to begin with, would stoop to this level as to nominate a practially fascist woman in hopes that the rest of us are so utterly stupid that we're going to vote for an unqualified moron because she's a woman, too.

I'd like to say that I have complete and total respect for women, or men for that matter, who devote their time to raising a family. However, when you're gunning for the second highest position of power in the nation, running as a "hockey mom" is ridiculous. A "hockey mom" can't be VP, and it has nothing to do with her gender or the number of kids she's had. It has everything to do with thinking that marketing yourself as a "hockey mom" is going to get you votes and make you appear credible.

Palin is so far out of her league that the interview was painful to watch. I had to keep pausing it to go on a tangent rant about how ridiculous the whole thing is. And I am making a pledge, right here for everyone to see: If we lose the White House and Congress this November, I'm out. Fuck this place, I'm going to Canada or Europe. I am not going to sit idly by while my freedoms are slowly chiseled away until all that's left is a statue that resembles a CEO bathing is his own riches, stepping on the heads of anyone around him and having the nerve to call it gumption.

There is a good chance that, if elected, Dick Cheney will not survive his first term, and that isn't even taking into account the quick aging and stress that comes with being POTUS. So I ask you, why in the hell would you want this woman to be President? It would be a huge setback for women, because she would just fuck it up, and then women wouldn't have a shot at the White House for 100 years.

I'm also tired of hearing this nonsense of liberals being snobs and elitists. Did you sleep through history? Do you know who founded this country? Let me give you a quick refresher: It was the wealthy, rich men! They were the snobby elitists of their time. Hell, they thought only they should be able to vote. But they did come up with a few good things, like the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. And who has the nerve to call a man raised by a single mom an elitist just because he doesn't buy into your warped ideology?

Republicans are elitist, too. They think the upper 1% shouldn't have to have to pitch in a little bit extra when April 15 rolls around. They think corporations should have carte blanche. They love money so much I'm surprised there isn't an altar they go to every week just for the purpose of reveling in the idea of riches. They think anyone who opposes the war is unpatriotic and does not support the troops. Hell, I support the troops so much I want them to come home to their wives and children before one more becomes the victim or a roadside bomb. That's something you don't get over. Wrapping your elitism in a flag and calling it patriotism is the equivalent of me putting on a Colts jersey and saying I'm Peyton Manning - it doesn't fool anyone.

Back to Palin now. I almost feel sorry for this woman. McCain did her a great disservice by asking her to run without even properly vetting her first. Watching the interview, it was clear to me that no one even bothered to prep this woman. Sit up straight. Know the Bush Doctrine. When you're going to claim you're ready to be President, you might want to pick up a newspaper that was published in the last 7 years so you don't come across as a complete moron.

Someone needs to at least give this former beauty queen a refresher course in posture, and I don't mean walking around in heels with a book on your head. Just sit/stand up straight. It's not that hard. Hopefully, one of these campaign masterminds is at least going to give her a few lines that aren't so obviously forced into her brain before the debates, and maybe they should mention that repeating the same thing over and over just lets everyone know that no one gave you any other response to that question.

If Palin doesn't get her act together before the debates, it's going to be like shooting fish in a barrel. Or wolves from a plane.

I've Learned Something New

2008-08-19T02:51:00.002-04:00

I saw my Vanderbilt doctor today, who told me something I'd never heard before: endometriosis can be clear. What?! This explains so much. He referred me to the Chief OB-GYN guy at Vanderbilt, and I see him on Wednesday. Odds are, he'll do another laparoscopy and magnify everything, looking for the clear stuff. Here's hoping that works out.

I'm Feeling Extra Neurotic Today

2008-08-09T21:20:00.000-04:00

No more excuses - I'm going to blog regularly now. I mean, what else do I have to do, aside from having scopes shoved into every orifice I have? So let's go back a week or so and discuss THE REALLY STUPID THING I DID.

OK, I realize this is kind of vague, because yours truly does a lot of stupid things, but this one is up there. So I posted a note on Facebook, and I tagged someone, but I only tagged that someone because I thought I could make the note invisible to all but said person. I even set the note setting to only be read by the tagged individual. However, because Facebook and bad things happen to me, EVERYONE read it.

It wasn't that personal per se, but if I had intended it to be read by all I wouldn't have tagged my recently married ex, because, you know, that's tacky, and I may be neurotic and narcissistic, but I am NOT tacky (at least, not on purpose).

Well, as soon as I got a comment on it, I panicked and went to the note to untag, but it'd already been done. Now, I feel really bad about this, but we did date 2 1/2 years, so he already knows I'm neurotic, so I'm sure it wasn't that surprising. And I know he'll never in a million years read anything I've ever written again, but if anyone could get the word out that I feel like an asshole, it'd be appreciated.

Tomorrow marks 70 days in bed! Maybe I should have a party for myself. I'm bored. I hurt all the time. Everything hurts. And on top of this medical mystery that is my pain, I hurt in my heart, and while I do have chest pains, that's not what I mean.

Tuesday I get to have a cystoscopy. That means that Dr. Jackson is going to stick a scope in my bladder, and while I've been assured it won't hurt, I have my doubts. I hurt when there aren't any scopes in my bladder, so I can't imagine this will be pleasant. They also aren't going to sedate me, and that's just mean. That's the best thing about that colonoscopy: fentanyl, the drug of drugs.

Lately I've been in a funk. I don't think this is my fault at all. Anyone going on 10 weeks in bed is going to be in a funk. If I'm not back at work by August 24, I'm going to lose my insurance, which is so not what I need right now. So in this funk I've come to the conclusion that no one will ever love me, and I will die alone. Joy.

Currently listening to: "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits
Currently Feeling: Listless

I Got Rear-Ended in Hendersonville and All I Got Was This Lousy Concussion

2007-10-19T21:57:00.000-04:00

Due to all the things going on in my life right now, I decided to take a leave of absence from work. It's for 30 days, and it will be unpaid. I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew that I had enough Starbucks stock to use during my leave. I sent in the paperwork yesterday afternoon.

Three hours later, I was rear-ended. The woman got out to see if I was OK, then told me she didn't have insurance. My aunt was a few cars behind and pulled over. She told me the damage was bad and that we needed to call the police. I asked her to call because my phone was in my pocket, and as she pulled out her cell phone, the woman god into the van, drove around the stopped traffic, ran and redlight, and got out of the county before police were able to get to her. Sigh. I gave both the police and my insurance company the license plate number.

Here's the kicker: I was sure I had uninsured/underinsured coverage. Well, I didn't. My claim is being filed under collision, even though I'm not the one who did the colliding. When I got my policy, I took a pretty high deductible on account of my excellent driving skills (I don't hit people - I have never had an at-fault accident, and in this instance, I was at a complete stop, as was the rest of the traffic on New Shackle). The bottom line is in order to get my car out of the shop I will need $1500, and after next Friday, I won't get another paycheck until December. Any stock I would have used will have to go toward living expenses during my leave. Yay.

I also have a concussion, which comes with a killer headache, nausea, and weak legs. Yay! Just what I need - a bruise on my brain. So I can't drive my car, which is fine because the woman's van took the bumper off. I hate my life.

"If You're Reading This, I'm Already Home"

2007-10-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened over the past few weeks, and it's left me in a dark and lonely place. I know I don't update this often enough, but I like to believe that when I do, it is at least worthwhile. I don't like being vulnerable, but I've learned to see the benefits. I don't like being scared and lonely, but I guess they have their perks, too.

A few weeks ago my grandmother had a heart attack, followed by five bypasses. That weekend, my phone was cut off. My dad had told me he would keep me on his cell phone plan after the divorce. He didn't pay the bill. He didn't tell me. Friday, Sept. 21, my phone got cut off. That day, my best friend, Leslie, had her son, Joshua Jackson Reeves. The next morning, her husband, Josh, was killed in Iraq.

I know that all the grief I'm feeling is normal, or so I've read. I've read that it's normal that I can't function. I haven't lasted an 8-hour day at work since it happened. To top that off, the Tuesday after, my grandmother had a stroke, and is now in the hospital for rehab.

I can't sleep. I haven't slept through the night since Josh died. I cry every day. I can't function at work. I can't even do my job, and that's all I have in Chattanooga. It's the whole reason I'm there, and I can't even do it. I wake up scared. I have nightmares. Sometimes I even get physically ill. I can't do my job, and I can't be there for my friend. I feel so helpless and scared right now.

People keep telling me to get sleeping pills, or to get on with my life, get back to a routine. But I don't want to. I don't want to bury this. I am sad. I need to feel sad. I need to let this affect my life. I can't stand the thought of burying all this pain under coffee and paperwork. It just doesn't seem right.

I got some sleeping pills, but I don't want to take them. I am an emotional wreck right now. My parents divorced, my grandmother is in the hospital again, and my favorite person lost her favorite person. I'm so fragile, and I'm afraid that if I find something that makes this easier - makes this pain bearable - that I won't be able to let it go. It's a scary thing to have to look at yourself like that, and I like to think there's at least some wisdom in knowing what I may be capable of. It's frightening to be afraid of your own mind. I just don't want to let myself spiral, and I know I'm on the verge.

Josh's service is something I'll remember for the rest of my life. During the procession, people lined the streets, holding flags, crossing their hearts, saluting. Flags lined the streets leading up to the church, and all of the flags in the county were at half staff. Complete strangers not only pulled over but got out of their cars. Children watched in their parents arm, some saluting. It was the most moving display I have ever seen. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

But it's not fair. We aren't supposed to bury our friends. We aren't supposed to bury husbands and fathers, certainly not at our age. I've tried to make sense of it all, and I can't. I have given up. This is beyond any of my comprehension. I can only hope that time truly does heal wounds, because this is a gaping one.

When I was driving home from Georgia, from Josh's funeral, I was listening to "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw. During the chorus, I saw a falling star. Some cultures believe falling stars are souls on their way to heaven. I hope so. Seeing that gave me an odd peaceful feeling, like I knew Josh was OK, and that Leslie and Jackson will be OK.

"If You're Reading This" - Tim McGraw

If you’re reading this
My mommas sitting there
Looks like I only got a one-way ticket over here
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids
Well I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
I’m up here with God
And we’re both watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
Half way around the world
I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for the innocent and the weak
I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
Tell dad I don’t regret that I followed in his shoes

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
There’s gonna come a day
When you move on and find someone else
And that’s okay
Just remember this
I’m in a better place
Where soldiers live in peace
And angels sing Amazing Grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
If you’re reading this
I’m already home

Exhausted. Send Prayers.

2007-09-16T22:10:00.000-04:00

My grandmother had a heart attack Saturday night. My mom called me while I was driving in from Maryville. I spent four hours at the hospital that night, then spent another three tonight. I've got to be back around 5:30 in the morning before her surgery. She had surgery Saturday night, and she's having a quint bypass tomorrow morning. She has five difficult blockages. She looks OK, but she's scared, as are the rest of us.

Currently Feeling: Worried, Scared

"Back Where I Come From"

2007-09-15T12:58:00.000-04:00

MARYVILLE, TN: Here I am, in the tiny town I lived in from birth until age 8. When I lived here, it was a dry town. Weird. And the mentality of the people is still somewhat reminiscent of that - we had some great moonshine last night!

My dad and Laura (his girlfriend) were there, and it was kind of weird seeing them all couple-like. I guess it's to be expected. But that isn't the weirdest thing by any means. Laura has some grandkids, and it's just strange to me to see my dad interacting like that. He's not supposed to experience that with kids that aren't mine or Misty's.

I haven't been feeling great lately, and it kind of worries me. I also STILL haven't gotten my deposit back from the apartment I moved out of in June. Bastards. I need my damn money. I've got a speeding ticket to pay. I also haven't heard back from my doc about my test results with all the precancerous bullshit, and I'm not worried about it, but I'd still rather know.

Spending time in Maryville has helped with the loneliness. Tomorrow I'm going to the Titans game. WOOT!

Ten Feet off the Ground

2007-09-11T00:10:00.000-04:00

Update: Stealing Internet is hard when you don't have your Windows admin password. Thankfully, it isn't impossible. I'm at my sister's right now. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and then I'm looking for shoes. I might not find the shoes I want, but I've found that I tend to spend my off days shoe shopping. What is wrong with me? I've got two full shoe racks and I've bought about 7 pairs of shoes since I moved to Chattanooga.

I have done some amazing things lately: I have successfully done a handstand push-up, against a wall for balance but not weight support (only my toes were on the wall). I have also lost an inch in my waist, and it somehow magically resurfaced in my chest. SCORE! I've also started working out more regularly. Good for me. I'm glad I'm finally getting off my lazy ass. It sure took a while.

Chattanooga update: I'm still lonely, and at least once a week I wonder what the hell I did. I doubt my abilities a lot, and I often find myself wondering how I'm not constantly fucking everything up. I'm also still far too introspective. Sigh. That part of me might never go away.

I think this has a lot to do with turning 25 in three months. I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not even close. I need therapy. I don't have time for it, but I need it. I met my dad's girlfriend a few days ago. Did I mention I need therapy?

On the plus side, my body's finally not in embarrassing shape. I wore my skinny jeans last week (Abercrombie kids size 12)! I plan to celebrate with new blonde hair and some sweet metallic strappy sandals.

The song of the day, "Apologize." Sometimes it is too late. I think this might be one of those times.

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah yeah

I loved you with the fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late whoa.....

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off...

"The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday"

2007-08-22T01:05:00.000-04:00

That's right, I referenced the infamous sunscreen song. I'm back to blogging again. Yay. Look for frequent updates.

Why is it that the things you have to deal with most are things you thought you'd never have to face? Monday I was home I saw first-hand the kind of things that have been going on between my parents for a while now. It was scary. I never thought I'd be afraid in my own house, but I was. I had to leave and go to my aunt's house, because it freaked me out. I'm not going into specifics, so don't ask.

In a few days I'll go back to Chattanooga, and I won't know what to do. I can't do this alone. I can't go through the kinds of things I'm having to go through without friends and therapy. I'm not even sure how I can get through this. It's hard for me to see myself out of it, but I guess I'll have to, because there aren't any options. I just really wish I wasn't alone.

Earthquake!

2007-08-15T12:32:00.000-04:00

OAKLAND, CA: Yep, there was a 3.2 around midnight last night. How awesome is that? It was kind of relaxing, really. Definitely not scary.

Today I am doing the car tour of San Francisco, including a trip to the beach, which is only about 60 degrees. What kind of beach is that? Weirdness.

Tonight is probably going to be Hot Yoga. WOOT! More updates to come.

"Where I Got Friends Who Care for Me"

2007-08-14T18:49:00.000-04:00

OAKLAND, CA: I'm in California for my first vacation in three years, and it's definitely long overdue. Today I spent the morning in Berkeley, and visited the intersection of Virginia and La Loma, from the Counting Crows song "Perfect Blue Buildings."

A lot has happened to warrant the vaca - my parents' divorce was final last Friday. I've moved to Chattanooga, and while I tell people I'm doing OK there, I'm really not. I think I grind my teeth in my sleep on account of the stress, and my jaws are killing me.

We're hitting up a bar later tonight, then tomorrow I'm cruising around San Fran. Sometime this week, Erica and I are probably going to get in on some Hot Yoga. The weather here is nice. I could see myself moving here at some point. It seems fitting, as I have so much to run away from.

Good News: I Did Not Die

2007-06-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, because I haven't had Internet in a year, and I stopped dating Internet-having people in the Spring. Excellent.

I'll make this short and sweet, with the best of intentions to update often.

Friday I move to Chattanooga to manage a Starbucks there. WOOT!

That is all for now. I plan to get a new computer within two months of being there.

Rules of Engagement: Part 2

2007-01-13T23:40:00.000-05:00

Remember back when Travis got engaged? Well, now you do!

So he's married now. Again, not to me. And why am I bothered by this? I'm in a relationship, I know Travis and I would've been terrible together, so what is this sadness?

I assume it's my own realization that I'm not going to get all those things I wanted seeing (as how I'm 24 at the moment).

I won't be married by 22.

I won't have three kids by age 30.

I won't have a college degree by age 23.

How much more of my life is going to slip away before something changes?

So I'm going to drink away my pain. Because that's the irresponsible thing to do. But it makes me feel good.

At the risk of being redundant, this one goes out to someone who will never read this. For what it's worth, I enjoyed the ride.

"Champagne High" one more time

I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
"I do" and "I do"
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you'll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation

Bridge
and for the million hours that we were
well I'll smile and remember it all
then I'll turn and go
while your story's completed mine is a long way from done.

Chorus
Well I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high, high

Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine And so real - to me
And while I'm still gone
On the quest for my song
I'm at your - celebration

Bridge & Chorus

Your wagon's been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue...

Bridge

Well I'm on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high...high...
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone...

Only Six Months Until the Fourth of July!

2007-01-04T13:06:00.000-05:00

Well, it's the fourth day of the new year, and this is the first I've gotten to blog about it. 2006 was a year of change for me, which I will recap later when I have the time.

First off, some resolutions:

1) Take better care of myself. That means exercising more regularly, eating more fruit (let's not kid ourselves - I'm not going to do the vegetable thing), sleeping when I'm tired, and taking vacations at least every eight months.

2) Stop neglecting my blog. This one's going to be hard, seeing as though I still don't have Internet access at my apartment. Maybe I'll get it. Probably not - my lease is up in four months.

3) Make strides in getting out of debt. This means I need to pay off at least one credit card, ideally two. I need to put some cushion money in savings (right now I have a paltry $200). I also need to live somewhere with fewer expenses ($300-$400 a month max), which probably means moving back home in May.

4) Stop bitching about my life and change it. For instance, if I'm not married by the time I'm 27, I'm moving. Something drastic, too, like across an ocean or something. If North America isn't showing me the love by then, it's time for a change of scenery.

The recap 2006 introspective blog will probably appear Sunday.

Ode to Me

2006-12-20T02:37:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday! I'm 24! Yikes!

I have lots to catch up on, but here's the skinny:

R.I.P. Salazar (died Dec. 14, 2006). You were a bitchin' pet.

The next day, I got very sick. I kept getting sicker. Sunday the fever came. I thought I had lost all hope for a disease-free birthday when the nice doctor at the walk-in clinic gave me this MIRACLE SHOT of drug joy! Now I'm all better. Creepy how fast that worked.

Thanks in advance to all of you who will remember my birthday, and no hard feelings to those of you caught up in the holiday madness who will forget.

A Feast on Both Your Houses!

2006-11-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

Appetizer
Do you believe there is intelligent life on other planets?
I'm not convinced there's intelligent life on this planet, though I admit it's likely. Thinking that this one spinning ball of gravitational crap is all there is in an endless universe is a little self-centered, even for me.

Soup
iWhat is one thing you said you'd never do, but you eventually did?
Get a tattoo. I used to say that I'd only get one if I could have anesthesia, but I'd never trust a tattoo artist to administer anesthesia, so I'd never get a tattoo. I now have two.

Salad
Who is the teacher that influenced you the most in school?
Probably Mrs. Stephens. She never let me settle for less than the best I could do.

Main Course
If you could trade places with anyone for one day, who would it be and why?
That chick Prince William is dating. Spending a day with the heir to the throne with a British accent wouldn't be half bad.

Dessert
What is your favorite dish to prepare?
Homemade fried chicken, with green beans, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and cherry cobbler for dessert.

The Silver Lining

2006-11-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

I'm getting $500 this Thursday to cover my down payment. Starbucks has this CUP Fund thing that is for partners who experience financial needs beyond their means due to circumstances beyond their control. Actually, I donate $3 from every paycheck to the CUP Fund, and I'm glad. Even when things are bad, I always figure there's someone out there who could use that $3 more than I could.

Now, I am that person. I faxed my application today, explaining my ridiculous car situation. They called back within two hours.

And that, my friends, is why I woke up at 3:15 this morning to go to work in Manchester. It's nice to respect your employer.

We Interrupt This Car Payment to Bring You An Eviction

2006-11-11T03:32:00.000-05:00

Woohoo! In the endless cycle of suck that is my life, I got a little notice on my door today. As you probably recall, I have this cat who is a complete bastard, and this cat likes to wreak havoc on my apartment while I'm at work. Or at the store. Or doing laundry. Pretty much whenever I'm not there.

He is especially good at terrorizing the place right before the people come to spray for bugs or something, as they tend to do.

Well, this cat bastard is causing unsanitary conditions. No shit! That's why I keep calling him a bastard. As soon as a clean up after his bastard self, he goes and terrorizes something else, or pees on my bed, or rips up the garbage and drags it all across the apartment. Then I clean up after him. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Anyway, I have been trying to get rid of this cat for at least a month. I can't seem to get in touch with anyone at any humane society, and if I do, they're not taking cats.

I have two weeks. Two weeks to get rid of the bastard cat, at which point I'll be able to clean my apartment (again), but this time it will stay clean.

Otherwise, I'm getting evicted.

Fuck. This. Shit.

For those who are just tuning in, this is me giving up. This is me losing all hope and any type of control. I am officially declaring myself a failure at all things that don't involve racking up debt or overusing the word "bastard."

And, just for those wondering, of course I always pay my rent on time.

So let's recap: I'm buying a car (yay), I might be getting evicted (not yay), and I have a cat to get rid of.

Fuck. This. Shit. Again.

Feastless Friday

2006-11-10T16:43:00.000-05:00

So there's no feast for a while. I haven't done a meme or survey of any kind, so I'm yankin' this one off of Jess's page. It feels good to be back online.

1. Do you drink milk?
No. I hate milk. It's weird and disgusting that humans are the only animal that drinks milk after infancy and drinks another animal's milk, especially milk made for an animal with four stomach chambers.

2. Do you prefer apple or orange juice?
Orange juice with no pulp, preferable mixed with some type of tasty liquor and grenadine.

3. Do your computer speakers plug into the back of your computer or your monitor?
This is Dan's computer. It's somehow connected to this stereo thing, so all the computer sounds come out of that. Isn't that cool? I have no idea how that happens...

4. How many clocks are in your house?
My apartment has one bedroom and three clocks. I like clocks.

5. How about the room your in right now?
Dan's room has one clock, but the computer and my cell phone also state the correct time. His clock is five minutes fast. It always makes me panic.

6. How often do you check your email?
Now I check it a few times a day. If I'm not at Dan's, I don't check it.

7. Do you live by yourself?
I pay rent for a single apartment. I haven't slept there in about a month, but I do pay rent.

8. What's the most you've ever won on a scratcher?
I think three dollars.

9. What's the nearest food to you right now?
Some candy in the living room.

11. Do you know what a plecostamous is?
Apparently it's a creature that eats Question 10.

12. Have you ever watched a sunrise rise over the ocean?
No, but I've watched it set over the ocean.

13. How many messages are in your inbox/outbox on your phone?
Text messages inbox: 61; outbox: 25

14. Do you prefer wooden or mechanical pencils?
Mechanical

15. What's on your feet right now?
My purple "Feel Better" socks from Emily:) and my tennis shoes

16. Do you have one best friend, or a lot of good friends?
I have a best friend and also many good friends.

17. Snapple or SoBe?
I haven't had Snapple or SoBe in at least five years, so I'm not going to answer this one.

18. Where do you buy birthday/Christmas cards?
I usually don't buy cards. When I do, it's generally from Wal-Mart or a grocery store.

19. What's your take on "puppy love"?
It's a song in Love Actually.

20. Do you enjoy breaking hearts?
I can't imagine anyone does.

21. What date/time was the last text you recieved?
2 hours ago

22. When's the last time you sent a text?
4 minutes after the last one I received

23. What was your favorite childhood tv show?
Full House

24. What's your favorite planet, besides this one?
Tattoine

25. Does anything special happen for you on March 15th?
Yes, each year I re-enact the death of Caesar, speaking only Latin for 24 straight hours. Or maybe I don't. But I generally make it a point to tell people it's the Ides of March.

26. If you could get back in touch with one person you've lost touch with, who would it be?
Cadence. Cadence is fun!

27. What type of internet connection do you use?
It's Comcastic!

28. Do you vote for city-related issues?
If it's on the ballot of a presidential or senatorial election, yes.

29. Do you say 'ya'll', 'you guys', 'dudes', or something else when addressing more than one friend at a time?
Kids. I call groups of people "kids." Even when they're all older than I am.

30. Would you want marijuana legalized if it meant alcohol would be illegal?
Fuck no!

31. Have you ever been to the Vatican?
No, but I think it'd be cool.

32. Have you ever waved at someone who was waving at you, only to realize they were waving at someone else?
Yes

33. What did you do?
Seeing as though they weren't waving at me, no one noticed, so I went about my day.

34. How many remote controls are in your house, and what are they for?
My apartment has two: TV and DVD player, neither of which I can use. Dan's has a lot. You can even open the DVD player with the remote, which is the epitome of lazy. But we do it anyway.

35. Do you mainly use your house phone or your cell phone?
I don't have a house phone.

36. How many 2005 calenders are in your house?
I don't think I have any. Dan has a desk one. I have a datebook on my phone, and a planner.

37. Do you take baths or showers?
Mostly showers, but I enjoy the occasional bubble bath.

38. Do you take quizzes in magazines?
No, but my sister does, and it's fun to read them.

40. Do you buy bananas when they're green so they won't go bad as fast?
I don't like bananas.

41. Do you do anything for a bad sunburn?
I have this prescription silver sulfate burn cream stuff that's awesome.

42. Do use mouthwash? If so, what kind?
Green Listerine after flossing.

43. What noises reach your ears right now?
The electrical buzz of a computer, and the clicking of my typing.

44. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon?
I've never been west of the Mississippi, except for Wisconsin, which is too far north to count.

45. Have you ever been to a national park (i.e. Yellowstone, Yosemite, etc)?
The Smokies

46. How old are your parents?
My mom just turned 48, my dad is 49

47. Does anyone have the keys to your heart?
I don't even have keys to my own car. Which is another way of saying I refuse to answer such a cheesy question.

48. Have you ever had to run for your life?
Yes, there were stampeding horses. It was frightening. Thankfully, I made it.

49. Is there an empty place in your heart?
Sounds like a surgical problem. I hope not.

50. Have you ever been to a family reunion?
Nope, and I'm never going.

51. Have you ever scraped a pipe?
Nope

52. Do you prepare soup in the microwave or on the stove?
Stove

53. Is it sunny out right now?
Yes, and it's 75 degrees!

54. Do you have a catnip plant in your house?
Nope

55. Do you use surge protectors?
I'm sure Dan does.

56. Do you pay attention to the stock market?
Only SBUX

57. Do you take precautions against contracting West Nile Virus?
Yes, I don't get bitten by infected mosquitoes.

58. Do you meditate?
Not as much as I'd like to.

59. If your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?
I really can't adequately answer this question without being in the situation. I'm pretty sure I'd make his life miserable for a while afterward.

60. Do you eat carbs?
Yes, too many of them.

61. If you could be one animal for the rest of your life, what would you pick?
A human. Wait! I already am one!

62. Are you the kinda person who will search the entire room for the remote because you don't wanna change it on the TV?
Nope

63. Has your insurance gone up because of something on your DMV record?
I have a speeding ticket

64. Have you ever gone to work/school drunk?
Nope

65. Is it all about YOU?
Yeah, it really is, even when it's not. I'm working on that though.

66. Are you allergic to any insect bites?
Not that I know of.

67. Are you allergic to any kind of food/medicine?
Sulfa drugs

68. Have you ever swam in Lake Tahoe?
Nope, and I've never swum in it either.

69. If you could hug one person right now, who would it be?
Dan (awww). It's only been two hours.

70. Are you in debt?
Wow. Am I in debt? Only about 30 grand right now, but I'm about to add to that with a car.

71. When you say "often" do you pronounce the "T" or leave it silent?
I leave it silent.

72. If you could have a plane ticket to anywhere right now, where would you go?
Greece. I get two tickets, right? I don't want to go to Greece alone. If it were just me, I'd take Hawaii, so I could see Jessie.

74. How many pairs of socks do you own?
Wow. I can't count that high. I can tell you I have fewer than 10 pairs of normal white socks.

75. How often do you do laundry?
I usually have to wash work clothes once a week, and I generally need to wash socks and thongs about that often. Dan did laundry while I was at work last night, so I don't have to do it this week.

76. What do you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger?
He was good in Eraser.

77. Do you own your own car, pink slip and all?
Hahahahaha! I don't even have anything to qualify as "my car" right now. I'm about to buy one. Right now, I'm driving my mom's car. It owns me.

78. Has anyone ever given you jewelery on Christmas?
Yes, my parents gave me diamond earrings. I have several things from my parents, from rings and necklaces to belly button rings.

79. Do you count down the days till anything?
Christmas, my birthday, my next day off, vacation...pretty much everything. I even count down the hours until I get off work.

I'll Think I'll Run out of Gas on the Way to Boston, Because I Can't Marry a Lesbian

2006-11-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

Last night, I got my mom's oil changed and got her a new air filter, all of which cost $70.99, which I think is nuts. So today I checked my bank account online to see TWO CHARGES PENDING FOR $70.99!

I'm aware that this freak thing happens every now and then, but really, why is it on my account? I called customer service, but it may be a day before they can fix it. My bank can't do anything until it posts, at which time I can dispute the second charge.

So, my friends, tonight my account will most likely overdraw, leading to inevitable overdraft charges that I shouldn't have to pay because this is clearly not my fault. And, by the time they straighten it out, my paycheck will already be pending, and a sizable chunk of that will be used up in these overdraft charges.

And I, my friends, will run out of gas sometime on Thursday. But fear not - I have a blanket in my mom's car, and I guess I'll bring a change of clothes or something because, you know, I'm obviously going to have to sleep there.

I hate banks. And debit cards. And credit cards. And pretty much anything having to do with money. Except money. I like money.

Let's have a shoutout to Michael, whose words of encouragement I value greatly. Michael - YOU ROCK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OK, that was the shout. Out.

Tennessee: What the fuck?!

I heard this song while driving home from work the other night, and it seemed to fit me. So here's your song of the sporadic moment: "Boston" by Augustana.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

You Are Here. Your Comfort Zone Is Way the Fuck over There.

2006-11-07T22:50:00.000-05:00

Let's have a little blog time devoted to the comfort zone.

I don't think I'm the kind of person who really is overly concerned with things. I'm not the most laid-back person by any means, but I'm certainly no crisis waiting to happen either. I think I'm somewhere in the middle.

So let's focus on the kinds of things that take me out of my comfort zone. I should note that I've been out of it for a while. It's unpleasant.

Item Numero Uno: People speaking foreign languages around me. I didn't take Spanish. I didn't take French. I didn't take anything anyone still speaks. So don't have a conversation around me in another language. It's just rude.

Item Number the Second: People I don't know en masse. This includes people I've met only a few times. If I don't know you, then you don't know me. And if you don't know me, then you're undoubtedly assessing me, ranking me by your own scale from "too fucked up to function" to "I need to have more friends like this." I don't like trying to impress people, and I really don't like feeling that I have to try to impress people.

Item Three: Church. Still. Just thought I'd throw that one out there. Did you like how I used the number 3, as if it were some obligatory reference to the trinity? Yeah, that wasn't an accident.

Item Four: Possibly the most insecure thing: my financial situation. I'm poor. I'm no longer government poor, but I am so indebted that there isn't a way out in at least five years, and that doesn't even count those student loans. That means every single paycheck I get in the next 60 MONTHS is already obligated to something else. And I STILL have to buy a car...

Why the sudden listing? Well, I love asking myself questions and answering them, so I'll jump right in here: I've been out of my comfort zone lately. I've felt out of place at work, I felt more than out of place last weekend, and the thought of adding a car payment to my already paper-thin budget makes me want to file bankruptcy and suffer the consequences. But I think 23 is too early for that milestone.

No, I don't think life is supposed to be easy. I don't think I should get everything I want at all times, and I don't think gas and food should be free.

But it shouldn't be this hard. There are some things in life people should never have to go through, and even more things you shouldn't have to face at least until your late 30s. So why me? What did I do?

I ask this because I do think I'm being punished. I don't steal, I don't lie, I don't sleep around, I don't do drugs. I don't even smoke.

But I'm not healthy. I'm healthier than I was, but I'm still only 85% or so. I don't have a degree. I'm almost 24, and I'm unmarried, no kids, and I haven't seen the ocean in six years. Sometimes I wonder if it's still there, or maybe it, too, is losing it's drive, contemplating it's existence, thinking maybe I'm not here.

I Didn't Make the Grade in 'Classy'

2006-11-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I wasn't able to get my car, because, apparently, my credit is SO BAD that applying for a loan with my sister as a co-applicant...I WAS DENIED! Sigh. I hate my life.

Then I got to spend a terribly awkward weekend with Dan and his Vanderbilt friends. Yes, they've all graduated. Yes, they're all younger than I am. And, yes, they all thought Borat was "the best thing ever."

By the way, if you're thinking of seeing that movie, go ahead and stab yourself in the throat. Unless, of course, you're into misogyny and racism. Then it's right up your alley. Wow. At first I spelled that as "ally" - how embarassing.

At least I don't enjoy shitty movies.

So back to the awkward weekend: It was far too reminiscent of my brief hellacious stint at Emory, and while I didn't dislike these friends of his, I got the impression that they didn't particularly care for me. Perhaps it was the overuse of the word "classy."

Am I insane here? Somebody give me some insight. I'm aware that upon meeting people for the first time, you may not "get" their sense of humor or what-have-you, but aren't there general rules of etiquette that keep you from saying things like, "Our rule for dates is it's OK if we've met the person, so we're sorry we met Wendy last night," or "We're too classy to drink [what you drink]."

I mean, help me out here. Am I just nuts? Do I have unrealistic expectations for people? Or is this a legitimate cause of concern?

It's entirely possible that this is normal and acceptable communication in this circle of friends that I'm unfamiliar with, so I'm keeping an open mind. But I refuse to make trips to the liquor store to get port. I mean, there comes a point when you just need to take shots of Jack Daniels until you pass out. And that point is now.

And now I'm about to force Dan to watch both Kill Bill movies with me, because after this weekend, I need to watch some death. Lots of death.

On a Scale of 330 to 830, I Scored: Suck

2006-10-27T14:43:00.000-04:00

Have you ever gone to the free credit report site?

My rating is classified as...

VERY POOR!

You know, very poor, kinda like me!

I am in the 2.9 percentile. Boy, would I love to meet those 2.9.

So, in conclusion, I really need to marry someone with good credit. I mean phenomenal credit. Or come into a large sum of cash.

Any takers?

Not Again...

2006-10-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

Well, I woke up yesterday morning in severe pain. That's right, friends - the pain is back. Hopefully it's just some freak coincidence that it's the same kind of pain I had before. Right now I'm on antibiotics to kill all the diseases I don't have.

I found a car! I'm buying a 2002 Ford Focus...and it's a stick shift! And, yes, I'm aware I don't know how to drive one, but my dad is teaching me. I couldn't turn town the bitchin' gas mileage. It even still smells like a new car!

Here's a feast for your reading enjoyment.

Appetizer
Create a new candle scent.
Clean laundry. I love clean laundry smell.

Soup
Name one way you show affection to others.
I'm an ass-grabber...OK, not really. I'm big on hugging.

Salad
What is your favorite writing instrument?
Gel pens! I love gel pens, especially metallic ones.

Main Course
If you were given $25 to spend anywhere online, from which site would you buy?
Victoria's Secret, although I probably couldn't buy much for $25. Maybe I'd hit up Godiva or something.

Dessert
Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
If I'm well enough to go to a party, I'm going to be a pirate! If not, I'll be dressing up as a sick girl, complete with my Abercrombie hoodie and my sweat skirt - the best invention ever!

Does Anyone Want to Help Me Siphon Gas?

2006-10-20T10:29:00.000-04:00

Well, friends, here I am, awake too early on my day off, about to head to Hendersonville for some quality car shopping time with mom. Special thanks to my sister for being my cosigner so that I can get an automobile that doesn't fuck up all the time.

I have $35 worth of gas in these unused cars. Anyone want to help me siphon it? Follow this link for some know-how.

I know I need a car, but the thought of EVEN MORE DEBT kind of makes me want to hurl. My student loan payments will be due soon, but I called them and will hopefully be able to get a forbearance. We shall see.

Well, what do you know: Another Feast!

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?
I have two: Mountain Dew and Malibu & Coke

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
Well, seeing as though I don't have one of these, let's just pick three things on Dan's computer desk: a Post-It with my work schedule (aww), a digital camera, and a very large Aladdin thermal mug about half full of change

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
I give me an 8, because while I don't lie, I can be passive-aggressive at times

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
I would change Murfreesboro to MTSU Parking Sucks, because, you know, it does. I know you all expected me to name a town after myself. Well, ha!

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
Car problems stress me out, specifically getting broken down in methtown...ooh wait! I'd change Manchester to MethTown. Anyway, yeah, that stresses me out. What calms me down? Cool Water incense, the smell of cloves, and pretty much anything with lots of chocolate in it. And a candlelit bubble bath.

Two months until I'm 24. I'm so old.

This Is Getting Ridiculous

2006-10-16T14:17:00.000-04:00

Guess what happened two miles from the store last night?

MY CAR BROKE DOWN!

This means that I've had a breaking down moment three times in three days.

This time was scarier, though, because I was on 24, with no lighting, on the shoulder of Deliverance country. Yikes!

Not sure what to do now - both cars I drive are out of comission, and, as my mom put it, "We're out of cars."

I need a car. For that I need either a) a decent sum of money or b) a co-signer.

I'm open to suggestions.

Currently listening to: Not a damn thing
Currently feeling: Hopeless

"Piece of Shit Car" - Not the Adam Sandler Song

2006-10-15T00:42:00.000-04:00

Well, what a joyous few days I've had. I wish there were some HTML code for sarcasm.

Actually, I've had a mix of days.

Wednesday, I had a run-in with the Devil. How in the hell, in all the bars in the greater Nashville area, do I end up at the same bar as the Devil? I mean, is this some kind of cruel karmic joke that I don't get because I'm still too traumatized to be in the same zip code as this person, let alone the same room? But I digress...

Friday, the car wouldn't start. I've been driving my dad's since my wouldn't start a few weeks ago. Well, shit. So now the red car, which used to be my car and is now my dad's, won't start. Guess what it needs? A battery! Well, hot damn! So I call my dad, who comes over to Dan's so we can get a new battery and then...TRY TO INSTALL IT!

This wouldn't normally be a blog-worthy task, but there's this metal mount thing over the battery, and it won't move! The screws are so happy to be holding my dead battery in place that they won't even budge - and my dad's a big guy. So, with some help from a hammer, screwdriver, and some vice grips, my dad proceeds to BREAK IT! I mean he literally tore the metal apart so we could lift it to replace the battery. This whole process took several hours, and I had to miss work.

Then, whilst driving home this afternoon, the transmission starts acting weird. I was stopping off at SmyrnaBux and had to gun the gas to get it to go into reverse, and then it started slipping. Now, I've known this transmission needed to be replaced for a while (Misty drove it for 120,000 miles and never serviced it), and I had planned to do it last year, but then the radiator was all fucked, so I had to replace that. I even asked for a transmission service for Christmas, but it wasn't meant to be. Well, wouldn't you know it, I'm in traffic on West End and BAM! The fucking car DIES at a red light. It took me a few times to get it started again, and I turned into the first parking lot and called Dan, and then my dad, because the damn thing won't shift.

SO THE TRANSMISSION IS GOING OUT!!!!

I'd make the font bigger, but there isn't a large enough font to convey my anger/humiliation/overall shitty luck.

On the plus side, I got Mannix back for a bit, but of course, it has only a quarter tank of gas, and I'd just filled up the red death machine an hour earlier.

I'm Ba-ack! OR Dress Me for Halloween

2006-10-11T13:50:00.000-04:00

I know, I know, I know. I'm a very bad blogger. I shall spank myself later.

So here I am, chilling at Dan's whilst he's at work. Engineering. That's right - my boyfriend's an engineer. I'm such a grown-up!

I have lots to unravel for you, but I don't feel like doing it in one blog, and I'm quite certain none of you wants to read it, so here's a poll: What should I be for Halloween?

And the choices are...

A. Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy
B. Some kind of sexy cop
C. Some kind of sexy pirate
D. Bloodrayne

And, just for kicks, here's the most recent feast:

Appetizer
Name a song you know by heart.
"The Music of the Night" from The Phantom of the Opera. Actually, I'm quite certain I know that whole show by heart.

Soup
What will you absolutely not do in front of another person?
Shave. I know, I'm weird.

Salad
How often do you use mouthwash and what kind do you like?
Spearmint Listerine, or whatever the green one is. I like to use it after flossing.

Main Course
Finish this sentence: I am embarrassed when...
I lose a game or something in front of other people. I don't like this feast - it makes me sound all shallow. And makes me use phrases like "all shallow."

Dessert
What was the last food you craved?
Chocolate. When is it ever not chocolate?

The Concussion Blog

2006-09-07T23:27:00.000-04:00

So I haven't blogged in a while. I have no Internet. And I really don't know why I'm blogging now because I have a mild concussion. I hit my head. With a migraine.

Now I know what it's like to be stupid. I keep saying stupid things, I don't have complete function of my brain, because I can't seem to grasp addition and counting as well as I used to. But it is kind of fun being a complete spaz for a day.

I'm getting a catten tomorrow! Soon after, I'll get some Internet, and then it'll be go time!

The Best Week Ever (Not the TV Show)

2006-08-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

Yes, my friends, after much bad karma and bad luck, I have had the best week I have had in several years, despite the fact that I didn't get paid. More on that later.

Monday I was off. That was nice. Tuesday I had District Panel, which is a pre-panel. Panel is Starbucks' way of promoting for MIT (manager in training). You go before a panel of higher-ups, and they interview you for 45 minutes or so. If you pass, you get promoted. My District Panel went really well - apparently everyone was talking about how well at did at the District Meeting the next day. It went so well that they sent me to the real panel - Region Panel - on Thursday.

Thursday night, during our Friends and Family, Lavonne, our DM, called out, "Everybody stop what you're doing right now!" Naturally, everyone did, and then she said, "We all need to congratulate Wendy on her promotion!" And there were cheers, and we were merry.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, I get a hefty pay raise. It will probably be about double what I make now. I'll be on salary, but I'll also get overtime. I get to go to the district meetings and be on the conference call and maybe, in a year or so, I'll be managing a store.

I'm also getting my car back!

Remember back when Mannix died? Well, my dad got a new job (first and second interviews the same day as mine, actually), so he needs a car. My mom decided it would be cheaper to resurrect Mannix than to buy a new car. I asked for it back. She resisted. I asked my dad, and he said he didn't care, and that means...

NEXT WEEK I'LL HAVE AIR CONDITIONER! AND MY 10-DISC CD CHANGER, AND A FUNCTIONING SUN ROOF!

I took my driver's test in that car. I love it! Even though the windows still leave about half an inch open if you roll them all the way up.

Oh yeah - not getting paid. During the last pay period, I was working out of three different stores. I only got paid for the 8 hours I worked in Smyrna, and I freaked out because rent is due. I called my manager at 6 p.m. (4 in Seattle, thank God). They are over-nighting me a check. They offered to do a cash advance, but I didn't want to leave the store with a lot of cash last night - it was after midnight. So all is well.

"Are you still dating that girl?"

2006-07-31T13:41:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not, to answer the weirdest question I was asked Saturday. In fact, I'm not entirely sure who "that girl" is, and the time that we allegedly dated escapes me, but, to be all formal and answer, I am not still dating this imaginary girl.

I'm also not dating the beautiful bass player from the Hendersonville Starbucks. He's gay, much to my surprise, as well as the surprise and utter amusement of Michael, who broke the news to me in a fit of laughter. The Michael - she's a kidder. Yes, it's a she.

I'm not dating your mother, either, but I might be using her for sex.

OK, so I'm sorry. I've been neglecting you, and it's because I've been really busy. I even missed my yearly Kevin Spacey celebration (I think he's a really good actor).

The air conditioning went out at my apartment a week ago, and I spent the better part of my afternoon and evening trying to convince myself that 87 degrees isn't really that hot.

I have district panel tomorrow, so I'll spend today - my only day off this week - freaking out about it, busying myself with such menial tasks as my resume and tidying the apartment.

Yesterday I enjoyed a lazy afternoon with Heather, during which we watched nearly the entire first season of Weeds. I had a dream about smoking pot from some homemade Survivoresque pipe constructed from feathers. I'm not sure how that worked, but it did.

I've managed to work out air conditioned transportation for my interview at the Belle Meade store tomorrow. I'm using my sister's car - she's in New Orleans for the week. I'm not supposed to tell my mom. I don't see how it matters, but I'm playing along.

I had some potentially bad news: Once school starts, I may not be able to be online for a while. I have no Internet at my apartment. Perhaps my wired friends will lend a hand.

Well, I'm off to check my 300 e-mails. Here's a feast for ya.

Appetizer
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?
The feather pot pipe was pretty entertaining.

Soup
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
I don't think I'd be a dog, and it's not a cop-out. I'm just not a dog person, and I know absolutely nothing about dogs, other than their needy, attention-starved nature and their uncanny ability to piss on the carpet. I'd be a puppy. Really any type of puppy would work.

Salad
Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."
I take naps in the winter and wake up after sundown. It always takes me a second to figure out what day it is.

Main Course
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.
My resume and cleaning my kitchen. And laundry. OK, so I'm a procrastinator. I also need to feed Salazar.

Dessert
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
Malibu and Dr. Pepper, at Heather's last Tuesday. It was tasty.

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish OR Adeo Quod Gratiae pro Totus Piscis Piscis

2006-07-21T21:02:00.000-04:00

By the way, if you translate that line back into English using some Web site, you get "To approach and thanks for whole fish."

Why the Latin? I'm glad you ~~asked~~ thought I was weird. It's in honor of my Governor's School roommate, Heather, with whom I had a delicious lunch and conversation Thursday. Let's break it down by comparing our lives (keep in mind she graduated high school in 2000, one year ahead of yours truly).

Heather went to Vanderbilt.
I spent one semester at Emory before I ran screaming to MTSU.

Heather has a boyfriend named Adam.
I have a boyfr...OK, I don't have a boyfriend. But I used to date an Adam. Midway through our courtship, he wanted to revert back to his first name, Dietrich, but I refused to go through the ordeal of explaining to everyone I know that my boyfriend wanted to be called something else. This, oddly, was not the demise of our relationship.

Heather teaches Latin.
I took Latin, but I really only paid attention about half the time. The rest of the time was spent tallying the number of times our teacher repeated various words and phrases.

Heather has a degree.
I have attempted enough hours for a degree.

I'm sure as time wears on, I'll have many more comparisons.

Guess what today is? Pay day! Also, it's Friday, and that means we need to feast on the past few weeks. This will hopefully make up for all the time I missed. I owe you Feasts 100 - 103.

Oh yeah. The title: I've officially left Smyrna and spent my first day at the new Manchester store. It's a nice store. I'm excited.

Feast 100

Appetizer
On average, approximately how many times per day do you yawn?
Probably only once or twice. I'm not as shallow a breather as I once was.

Soup
What was your most memorable school field trip?
I had a blast at the jail in second grade.

Salad
Fill in the blank: I was extremely __________________ this week.
Introspective. Right. As opposed to all those other weeks when I completely ignore myself. That's my sarcatstic typing. At any rate, I was introspective this week.

Main Course
Which color do you think of when you hear the word "soothing"?
A fountain...oh shit, that's not a color. I like of toothpaste green, like pale mint. I guess it reminds me of Aloe or something.

Dessert
What is something that, if you had to, you could save up the money to buy within one month?
A new toothbrush, and some work socks and pants.

Feast 101

Appetizer
When was the last time you visited a hospital?
I was in the Emergency Room a few weeks ago.

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?
I think I vary between 8 and 9.5.

Salad
Make a sentence using the letters of a body part. (Example: (mouth) My other ukelele tings healthily.)
I'm going to choose everyone's favorite body part to scope out: Cervix. By the way, I had to backspace because I accidentally typed "boy part" - that would've been funny.
Could everyone resist violating innocent xylophones?

Main Course
If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?
I'd start a Buffy club I guess, and I'd name it Staked, and the "t" would look like a cross.

Dessert
What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
Beige.

Feast 102

Appetizer
Name one thing nice that you could do for someone else today.
I'm not going to see anyone else today, except for Salazar. I'll take him out of the cage and play with him, provided he's not still moody like he was last night. If that doesn't work, I guess I'll just pay a bill. That tends to please people.

Soup
When was the last time you were frightened by the weather?
Today. I was driving home from Manchester and the wind was blowing my car out of the lane. I called my dad to get a weather update.

Salad
What would you say is the most useful website or blog that you visit?
Google.

Main Course
Who was your favorite singer/group when you were a child?
Either Exile or The New Kids on the Block. Or Tiffany. I loved her.

Dessert
Do you have any rituals? If so, what are they?
Yes. On the third day of every month, I sacrifice a virgin. It's a little messy. OK, I do have one I actually do: Every time I count in at work, I face all the bills in the safe, in all the tills (if I open or close), and I count all the clips. I'm a little Rain Man-ish when it comes to money.

And finally, Feast 103.

Appetizer
Fill in the blanks: I ____________ when I _____________.
I take off my bra when I get home in the summer. It's usually the first thing I do because my car is so hot.

Soup
Name something you use to make your home smell good.
Incense, usually China Rain.

Salad
If you could receive a coupon in the mail for 50% off any product, what would you want it to be for?
A new car.

Main Course
Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the hours of your typical day doing?
Working.

Dessert
What can you hear right now while answering these questions?
The hum of computers, and my click-clack typing on this godforsaken keyboard.

Separation Anxiety OR Mutant Cicadas Beware

2006-07-19T18:24:00.000-04:00

I turned in my store and safe keys today. Weird. I'm going to Manchester on Friday, and we open two weeks after that. It's all a little strange, and I never thought it'd be so hard and exciting to change stores.

Friday I did something I never thought I'd do - I drank to feel better. It's odd when you realize you still have the ability to scare yourself. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I'm trying not to think too hard about it.

I've also tried not to think too hard about how dangerously close the poverty line and I are. I'm trying not to think.

I had a battle with a mutant cicada last night! And by "battle" I mean "refusing to enter my apartment and calling my manly man friends to kill it."

Seriously, this bug was freaky. And now it's dead.

I'm seriously considering changing my major and becoming an oncologist. More on this later.

I'm seriously overusing the word seriously. Seriously.

I'll be interesting later, but for now, let's have a song of the day: "How to Save a Life" by the Fray.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

"I like what she said, but not what it means"

2006-06-24T02:38:00.000-04:00

So I've been looking 'round the Internet for something not depressing, and I found an interesting meme that looks fun, so, you know, sorry if it sucks, but did you really want to read more whining? I didn't think so. I'm also adding a line or two of lyrics, just for kicks.

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band (you pick your own band or artist)

Artist/band: Counting Crows (my favorite band - I can't wait to see them in August!)

Are you male or female: I Wish I Was a Girl
For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change
And I'm going down to Hollywood
They're gonna make a movie
From the things that they find crawling round my brain

Describe yourself: A Murder of One
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

How do some people feel about you: Love and Addiction
This picture you see is nothing like the one I wanted painted of me

How do you feel about yourself: Butterfly in Reverse
And everything that hurts you
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
And other perfect things

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: If I Could Give All My Love (or Richard Manuel Is Dead)
You were sleeping next to me
But I knew that you'd be gone

Describe where you want to be: Goin' Down to New York Town
Well I feel just like a freight train baby, running out of steam
I wanna go on down to New York town, but I'm stuck in between
And I could stay on here at home alone and have myself to thank
But I just made a billion dollars, and I don't wanna put it in the bank

Describe what you want to be: A Mona Lisa
All I want to say
Is everything's all right and I'm OK

Describe how you live: She Don't Want Nobody Near
She don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be

Describe how you love: We're Only Love
We're only love, at it's best or worst

Share a few words of wisdom: Shallow Days
I like what she said, but not what it means

"I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call; I don't believe in magic anymore"

2006-06-23T14:12:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking quite a bit lately, a dangerous task I know. Walk with me for a bit down this memory trail.

I could count on one hand the number of guys who said they'd love me forever, and, truth be told, I'd still have a few fingers left over. So what does that mean? Was I lied to? If so, what would prompt someone into telling such a lie? Maybe at the time they really did think they would love me forever, and if that was the case, what changed? When did "forever" become synonymous with "until you're in a different time zone?"

I've had contact with two of them the past week, and I just don't know how to handle it. How can you have your past hurled at you and be expected to touch it, let alone understand it and try to find the elusive silver lining.

It's all disillusioning, especially when factoring in the possibility that no one will love me forever, that I'll just go about my days alone, blogging ridiculously long sentences in celebration of the current pity party. I'd like to think I'm better than that. I'd like to think a lot of things.

I've loved a lot, perhaps too much as my scarred heart indicates. And sometimes I think I will love some people forever. How do you live when that's the case? How do you drag yourself out of bed knowing that your best days have come and gone?

But I do drag myself out of bed every day, usually at least an hour before I want to. I get dressed, drive through the Tennessee heat with no air conditioning sweating out my impurities all the way to work. Then I put a smile on my face (I'm good at faking that) and spend eight hours making other people happy. It's not much, but it's something.

I leave you with Feast Ninety-Nine.

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you like your job?
Right now I'd give it a 9.

Soup
When was the last time you think you were lied to?
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing sometime around February was the last time I was lied about.

Salad
Share some lyrics from own of your favorite songs.
I can only assume this means "one of your favorite songs." My favorite song is "Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits. Enjoy these lyrics:
My door was standing open
Security was laid back and lax
But it was only my heart got broken
You must have had a pass key made out of wax
You played robbery with insolence
And I played the blues in twelve bars down Lover's Lane
And you never did have the inteligence to use
The twelve keys hanging off my chain

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

Main Course
What do you do/take when you are in pain?
It depends on the strength of pain. If it's mild, I just lie in bed and cry a bit. If it's bad, I take Vicodin. Relax, it's a prescription from the last time I was in bad pain. God bless the ER.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: My __________ is very __________.
My family is very fucked up.

"I wish that I was stronger, right now I feel as fragile as glass"

2006-06-20T16:15:00.000-04:00

Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe? It's not pleasant, let me tell you.

I have two things in my life right now that I'm grateful for: 1) My sister, who I consider to be pretty much the only stable family I have; 2) My job, which is usually enjoyable and keeps a roof over my head.

Having said that, everything else is just shit. Yes, I appreciate having friends, but I don't even have those kind of relationships like I used to have. My friends all seem distant, like I might as well be living on another continent. Sure, people care and express interest, but it's not the same reaction I might have gotten if this shit happened in, say, high school. My house would have been flooded with people, flowers, ice cream, movies, and Monopoly.

Do you ever look back on your life and realized how fucked it is? Just counting all my losses in mind-boggling, and I'm a numbers-friendly person, usually. It's easier to count what I have. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever recover.

I have been remiss in the feasting lately, so here's a few past ones to perk you (or me) up.

Feast Ninety-Eight

Appetizer
What is a word that you use that would not be considered common?
Expletive! I can't curse at work, even when a ceramic plate breaks across my foot, so I just say, "Oh, expletive!" a few times a day.

Soup
What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?
I don't have a calendar of this year. I also don't ever check the weather in advance. I prefer to be completely oblivious and surprised all the time.

Salad
Name 3 people you speak with by telephone a regular basis.
Well isn't this embarrasing. I actually don't have three people I speak with on a regular basis.
1) My dad (probably daily)
2) Starbucks/people from my store (again, probably daily)
3) My voicemail, although I don't talk back

Main Course
If you could buy a new outfit for someone you know - who would it be and what would you purchase for them?
I'd buy Kammi's two-year-old daughter Sierra a cat costume, because, you know, that'd be really cute.

Dessert
What is the last beverage you drank?
An iced grande caramel vanilla latte. I made it myself!

Feast Ninety-Seven

Appetizer
About how much money did you spend on gas this week?
$20 today - not having air conditioning has its perks.

Soup
What is your favortite brand of toilet paper?
Charmin. I will spend the extra bucks.

Salad
When was the last time you discovered something that you thought was pure genius?
A few months ago, when I came up with the idea of having a Sharpie in each till so that partners wouldn't keep walking home with them after their shifts every day.

Main Course
What is the least amount of sleep you can get by on per night?
I'm going on less then four hours right now, and I'm just dandy.

Dessert
June is a popular month for weddings. Do you know anyone who is getting married this month?
Nope, though I'm sure someone is. Leslie got married last June.

Colpin' A Feel

2006-06-16T20:58:00.000-04:00

For those who haven't heard yet, I finally had that colposcopy. Of course, this came after Wednesday, which might be my longest day ever. I went to an early meeting at work, went to the ER across the street, then came back and went to work some more. Yikes. Suffice it to say that the pelvic pain is coming back, and the only way to do anything that remotely resembles diagnosis is to do a pelvic exam, which hurts quite a bit when you're suffering from pelvic pain.

But I digress. The colposcopy (yes, I cried - it hurt) revealed that I have a mild case of precancerous cells in my cervix, which is what I expected it to say. Props to my gynecologist for realizing I was in so much pain and commenting, "I don't think you're going to let me do this biopsy." You are correct. So I did get out of some tissue being forcibly removed from my cervix. Woot!

The treatment plan right now is to watch it, do an ultrasound in a few weeks, then do a Pap in December. Ideally, it will have gone away by then. We can only hope.

I swear I tried to blog a few Fridays ago, but the damn site was down. Argh.

On the plus side: The ER doctor thought I worked in medicine because of my apparently impressive medical terminology.

This Has to Hold You Over

2006-05-28T01:45:00.000-04:00

OK, so here's a feast. I won't be blogging on Memorial Day because the lab is closed. Instead, I'll be working at the Bux for time and a half! Woot!

Appetizer
How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I think I was 18. I might have been 17. It was a store credit card to a furniture store that I never used, but just having it led me to my second credit card. Let's not talk about that one.

Soup
When was the last time you felt out of place?
I wish I were feeling introspective enough to answer this decently. I guess the better question is asking when was the last time I didn't feel out of place? I guess the best answer is the last time I went home and everyone was sleeping in different rooms. I realized then that my house wasn't my home anymore. My dad slept in my room, my sister slept on the upstairs couch, and I went back to Murfreesboro to sleep in my own empty house, alone with no cat and no roommate. My heart is homeless right now.

Salad
Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager? If so, what time did you have to be home?
It was 11 p.m. until I turned 18 and living at home - then it was midnight. However, if I called, I could be late. And a few times I just stayed over at Leslie's because she had no curfew. At that time, I gave my parents a 1 a.m. curfew (they had to call me if they were going to be out past 1) because of one night when no one came home until 3 a.m. and I was stalking about the house with a knife in one hand and a phone with the police on the line in the other, but that's a story for another blog. When I was 19, my mom made me call if I was still out at 6 a.m., which I did. I mean, really, a 6 a.m. curfew? What's the point?

Main Course
Name a person from history with whom you feel you have something in common.
Joan of Arc - I plan on being burned at the stake. OK, not really. Rene Descartes, a philosopher and mathematician. Need I say more?

Dessert
When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I read newspapers? I check the news on my phone (I work too much to be able to read or watch news - it took me three days to hear about that tsunami). If I can actually see a paper, I skim the front page and do the puzzles.

If You Search for "Hooker"...

2006-05-26T00:54:00.000-04:00

...apparently you end up here. So all you Johns out there looking for a pretty woman on Technorati: Go fuck yourself. Or not. I really don't care if you get off.

Isn't that odd? Maybe not. Maybe hookers actually blog about their nightly encounters in hopes that some poor schmuck will stumble upon them on some idle Internet search, sitting in front of his computer with a loose white T-shirt and stained plaid boxers, surrounded by Playboy and Maxim.

My syntax is a mess up there. Pay no attention to that chasm between the pronoun and the antecedent.

And this, oh ye searchers for Internet hookers, is why I will never sleep with you. I critique my own grammar on my blog, and you're frantically googling "antecedent."

I like being smart.

A Moderately Uplifting Post

2006-05-25T15:58:00.000-04:00

Well, good news: I can pay for school! Thanks to all who offered support, both moral and financial. I owe a debt of gratitude to Joel, Lexi and Kammi, who chipped in to help me pay my debt to the school and my debt to my sister. It really means a lot.

My parents have inevitably gotten themselves involved in sending e-mails to the school, which is all fun because now e-mails from the school are going back to me, my parents, and even my sister. WTF?!

I've got to hand it to them - it's really a nice existence being under the delusion that higher-ups actually care. The head financial aid guy was helpful, although he actually told my parents I should work fewer hours. Right, and I'll just get evicted and live in the library. That's a capitol plan!

How is it that when nothing is your fault, everything is your fault? I'm not flawless by any means, but I can trace all this back to Fall 2004, when I was diagnosed with mono.

Now I'm finding myself doing things and considering things I never thought I would in order to get money for school in fall. What has happened to me?

And, just for the hell of it: This is just a friendly reminder that I am not a hooker or a stripper, so please stop with the assumptions. And if in some alternate reality I were, you wouldn't be able to afford me.

"I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain"

2006-05-22T01:53:00.000-04:00

First off, thanks to everyone who has offered encouragement and condolences. "Everyone" largely includes people I've never actually met - you've all been much more supportive than I would have imagine, and certainly more so than most of the people I actually know. I guess I could ponder that, but I don't much feel like it right now.

I've talked to my dad, who told me not to worry because we'd work something out. However, even he, I think, realizes my options are limited, if they even exist. Today he sent me an e-mail that said: "Life sucks sometimes, huh?"

I've haven't talked to my mom yet. Mostly, I'm worried that she'll blame me, and I feel like shit enough as it is without any help from outside sources.

I still have to pay for the class I'm in now even though I won't be able to get credit for it if I haven't paid by Friday because I'll be dropped. And, no, I can't sell my book back, because I have no frickin' clue where the receipt is, assuming they'd even take it back this late, which I'm sure they won't.

Have you ever thought you had nothing else to lose, and then you've lost something? Have you ever thought you couldn't possibly cry any more tears, and yet they keep coming? Have you ever asked someone to stay the night with you because you're afraid of what you'll do if you're alone? And that's just this week.

I don't know what to do. I can't even being to wrap my brain around what I can possibly do. I guess it could be conceived as giving up, but I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling. I just want everything to stop, to be over. But it doesn't stop. It never stops. And this is what my life is going to be like from now on: debt and misery.

So, like I said, bring on the rain.

Cancel Those Flowers

2006-05-19T11:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I've canceled my colposcopy. Before you get all freaking out on me, hear me out. I have to drop out of school. Ergo, I don't have insurance. I also don't have enough credit to get a private loan (thanks, in part, to all those medical bills in my name that I was erroneously led to believe were being paid). So I'm really fucked right now. And because I'm really fucked, I'm not going to do whatever it is they were going to do that would result in them telling me my cells are precancerous and nothing to worry about. See, I did all that right now, and it didn't cost me a penny.

Well, the school suspended my aid on May 16, one day after my first summer class started. You can see my frustration here. Not only was I not notified, but I was told I would be able to get a loan, AND now I'm fairly certain I'm stuck paying for this class regardless of whether or not I drop it. I'm still waiting to hear from them for sure, but that's what they led me to believe.

I have a few plans of how to raise the money, but they're either illegal or involve stripping, neither of which is appealing.

I know what you're thinking: Why don't your parents cosign for you?

Are you kidding me? They're living in separate rooms in the house, hardly speaking to each other, and this is all money-related. They don't have money. They don't have the credit to cosign for me, hence why I got stuck with a piece of shit, air conditioner-free Saturn instead of a new(er) car last year - they told me then that they weren't able to cosign for me.

Estimated graduation date: Yikes. I don't want to try to suss that out. I'll be missing that oh-so-important prerequisite AGAIN this year, making it at least two years to graduate whenever I get back.

In case you don't recall, my professor (oh let's just call him Dr. Khaliq) failed me last fall WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY. Yes, he's an asshole. I asked for an incomplete, which he wouldn't give me. I ended up with a W, which I thought was just him being a decent human being, but no. That was an error. It was changed to an F later.

I violently dislike that man. And MTSU. And let's just throw Siddy Mac in there for kicks, too. I dislike most of MTSU, except for the following people: Ron, Jack, Dr. Kholodnyi, Dr. Barlow, Dr. Fowler, Angela, Paco, Dr. Hollman, Porter, and...no that pretty much sums it up. Oh yeah. Greek Life. And Jackie. And though I haven't had her yet, I've had some helpful chats with Dr. Green. They're swell!

If anyone knows how I can get $1176 quickly and legally, I'm open to suggestions.

Hey, let's do a feast!

Appetizer
What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
My psyche.

Soup
If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
This is an easy one: school and the American Cancer Society.

Salad
What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
"Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits

Main Course
You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Where they keep the frozen mice to feed Salazar. Hey, you asked.

Dessert
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I'm athletic, but not really built. I'm toned, and I dance and do Pilates, both of which require a great deal of strength and muscle control, but I'm not sporty athletic. I'd give me a 7.

Well, @%$^*&!

2006-05-18T20:09:00.000-04:00

Yeah, remember how MTSU lost my form? Well, now something worse has happened: My financial aid is lost, too.

Yes, I'm aware I'm supposed to get a letter. I didn't.

When I registered for summer classes, the system said I was on financial aid probation for the summer. No big, right? Just pass my summer classes, which is easy because I'm all about some summer class.

Then I got online today and noticed an e-mail stating my loan had finally been sent to the school (OK, the word "finally" was added by yours truly). I signed on to PipelineMT and checked my account, which still didn't show the money. Thinking it was odd, I decided to check my holds.

FINANCIAL AID SUSPENSION SUMMER 2006

WTF?! When did this little change occur? Why wasn't I notified? And, more importantly, HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO PAY FOR SCHOOL?!

I've sent an angry e-mail to the financial aid powers that be, and I plan to go there after my test tomorrow, but here's probably how it's going to go down (please, hold all cries of joy until I've left and returned with a weapon):

1) They'll realize it's a misunderstanding. Seriously, why was I allowed to apply for aid if I didn't qualify? I really hope that appeal deadline hasn't passed - they're supposed to send you that information when they send you the letter that says you've lost your aid. I'm also not to keen on appealing, as getting all those medical records AGAIN will cost me another $50 or so.

2) I'll have to drop out of school for a while, possibly permanently. I'll work at Starbucks until I'm 35, at which point I'll probably put a bullet in my head, because I'll end up in a loveless marriage with absolutely nothing, and I'm sure by then my family will have deteriorated to nothing.

So that's it. I'd cry but I'm in the business lab and don't feel like drawing attention to myself. I've also quit going to therapy (I'm too poor for that), and I'm not going to the shrink, and that little colposcopy thing is seeming more and more like a bad idea...

Send liquor. It's going to be a long few days.

OK, I Cave AND On My Own

2006-05-17T12:53:00.000-04:00

OK, to all the people who insisted I let the friendly gynecologist tell me I don't have cancer in a very expensive way, I cave.

I'm having the colposcopy June 9 at 1:20 p.m., so you people better call me or send ~~strippers~~ DVDs, puzzlebooks and candy. I'm not really into flowers, unless they're velvet Southern Belle Roses. Bonus points if you splurge for that!

I started class Monday, and as soon as I'm done typing this, I'm going to get the $100 book for it. Woot! Yeah, that's fake enthusiasm there.

So MTSU LOST my loan request sheet, and I had to fill it out again, so I don't have my money yet. I've been told it'll be in by the end of the week. If no, heads will roll. And possibly rock.

I've been moving into my new place, and I'm officially out of the old one now. I spent a good deal of yesterday cleaning and whatnot. Now I have lots of shit to unpack. Volunteers are welcome. You will be paid with your choice of Jack Daniel's, Jagermeister or Buttershots.

I have my own place now, and it's nice but kind of surreal. I'll go in depth with this later. It's been christened, too. I know you all think that means I fornicated all over the place, but it was an old-fashioned christening, complete with breaking champagne bottles. OK, I might be lying about that one. I'll try to be better about updating this.

"If I Had A Boat"

2006-05-12T13:58:00.000-04:00

MEREDITH'S APARTMENT, TENN: Wow. I've been neglecting my little corner of the Internet for a while, but with good reason: There is no Internet access:( Oh, crap, I used an emoticon - I'm really missing being online.

So here I am, typing away at Meredith's, doing some laundry (everyone loves clean clothes) and trying to think of how I can sum up the last week or so without being so verbose as to scare you all off after a few paragraphs.

First off, for those who were concerned, thank you. My sister gave me a blank check. I'm paying her back this weekend. It's nice to have family.

I've been moving, packing up and whatnot. It's an odd thing, putting yourself into boxes. I've never moved by myself. In the past, I've had friends, boyfriends, and family come around to help, and we've just loaded up the truck and moved everything in one trip. This week, I've been bringing over boxes at a time. It's odd, yet strangely endearing. Does anyone else get that?

Here are a few things I've learned:

1) I have ENTIRELY too many pairs of shoes. They won't even all fit in one box, and these are only the ones I have here. I have many more pairs in Hendersonville.

2) I have a lot of coats, too. In fact, those wouldn't all fit in one box, and, like the shoes, I have many more coats in Hendersonville.

3) Working at Starbucks ensures free access to all the boxes and newspapers I could imagine. At least I'm saving cost on that.

4) Trying to move while working 9 straight days, including overtime, is STUPID.

5) Did I mention I have a lot of shoes and coats?

Wednesday night, Meredith worked for me so I could have some time off. I decided to spend it going out on the houseboat with Travis (not T-Money). I hadn't seen him in a long time (I'd ballpark it at two years).

We just hung out, did some catfish fishing, and got really hungry, eating a pint of ice cream and 80 cookies. It was a blast.

I just found out that my summer books will cost around $400, and the one I need on Monday is $100. So maybe I won't be paying my sister in full just yet.

My savings account now sits at $11 and some change. Don't you wish YOU had $11 in savings? Hell, that's about 4 gallons of gas. Woot!

On the agenda for the rest of the day:

1) Finish packing, even if it kills me.

2) Balance checkbook. Cry over how poor I am. Smile when I remember I'm getting a bonus at work, and I'm up for a raise in July.

3) Finish laundry.

4) Move as much as I can to my new place so that tomorrow I'm just moving furniture and unpacking.

5) Track down Cox to give him my spare key.

6) Do some Pilates. My arms are not as impressive as they were last week.

7) Eat. Really, I should.

I promise I'll be better about this in the future. The 24-hour lab on campus reopens Monday. Until then, stay classy.

I Hope Someone I Know Is Reading This

2006-05-04T01:12:00.000-04:00

Ideally, my sister. See, of all the people I know, she's the most financially stable. So here is my open plea, to all who will listen, as I type in the business lab on campus from a computer that has keys that stick. It's impossible to type fast on this damned thing.

Dear Loved One,

Do you remember a time when I was working two jobs and taking a full load of classes? Of course you do - I only stopped the second job this semester. When I mentioned wanting to only work one job, I was told that I'd be helped out financially if I needed it.

Factoring in my incredible ego and pride, you must no doubt assume that I would never ask for money unless I truly needed it. Haven't I been financially independent for years now? Haven't I proved that I'm a responsible adult here?

I'm working overtime this week, so I've got money, I just don't HAVE it yet. I need it by this Friday, and I won't have it until next Friday. I'm not even asking for money here, just a loan. A week advance, if you will. Just a couple hundred to ensure my two rent checks this month don't bounce. Really, is that asking so much?

You'll be happy to know I don't waste my money on things like food and water. I live on Pop-Tarts, which are tasty and cheap. I drink whatever I can get free from work. I do Pilates to ensure my unhealthy diet doesn't fuck up my abs. I make ends meet.

I haven't refilled my migraine prescription in a few weeks. I haven't refilled my allergy prescription in a few months. I cancelled all four of my mental health appointments last week because I can't pay for them, including two with the psychiatrist, because, let's not kid ourselves: I can't afford the happy pills they want to give me.

Am I completely broke? Kind of. You see, I do have money coming in in the forseeable future. I'll have a nice paycheck next week, and once my financial aid comes in, I'll be able to replenish my savings account and maybe make a sizable dent in that damn credit card bill that keeps getting higher and higher every month. I'll also get some of my deposit money back from my current house.

But, until then, I'm broke. I'm more than broke - I'm completely shattered. And I haven't even factored in the medical bills that keep coming to my parents' house, because, clearly, they're not getting paid. Seriously, though, what are they going to do, repo my uterus? I don't have any assets. Thank God nothing is in my name.

~Wendy

Yes, despite my better judgement, I'll wake up tomorrow, call my dad and sister, and hope to get that loan. I'm more likely to ask my sister, because I know she has it to spare.