I'm Feeling Extra Neurotic Today

No more excuses - I'm going to blog regularly now. I mean, what else do I have to do, aside from having scopes shoved into every orifice I have? So let's go back a week or so and discuss THE REALLY STUPID THING I DID.

OK, I realize this is kind of vague, because yours truly does a lot of stupid things, but this one is up there. So I posted a note on Facebook, and I tagged someone, but I only tagged that someone because I thought I could make the note invisible to all but said person. I even set the note setting to only be read by the tagged individual. However, because Facebook and bad things happen to me, EVERYONE read it.

It wasn't that personal per se, but if I had intended it to be read by all I wouldn't have tagged my recently married ex, because, you know, that's tacky, and I may be neurotic and narcissistic, but I am NOT tacky (at least, not on purpose).

Well, as soon as I got a comment on it, I panicked and went to the note to untag, but it'd already been done. Now, I feel really bad about this, but we did date 2 1/2 years, so he already knows I'm neurotic, so I'm sure it wasn't that surprising. And I know he'll never in a million years read anything I've ever written again, but if anyone could get the word out that I feel like an asshole, it'd be appreciated.

Tomorrow marks 70 days in bed! Maybe I should have a party for myself. I'm bored. I hurt all the time. Everything hurts. And on top of this medical mystery that is my pain, I hurt in my heart, and while I do have chest pains, that's not what I mean.

Tuesday I get to have a cystoscopy. That means that Dr. Jackson is going to stick a scope in my bladder, and while I've been assured it won't hurt, I have my doubts. I hurt when there aren't any scopes in my bladder, so I can't imagine this will be pleasant. They also aren't going to sedate me, and that's just mean. That's the best thing about that colonoscopy: fentanyl, the drug of drugs.

Lately I've been in a funk. I don't think this is my fault at all. Anyone going on 10 weeks in bed is going to be in a funk. If I'm not back at work by August 24, I'm going to lose my insurance, which is so not what I need right now. So in this funk I've come to the conclusion that no one will ever love me, and I will die alone. Joy.

Currently listening to: "Romeo and Juliet" by Dire Straits
Currently Feeling: Listless

I Got Rear-Ended in Hendersonville and All I Got Was This Lousy Concussion

Due to all the things going on in my life right now, I decided to take a leave of absence from work. It's for 30 days, and it will be unpaid. I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew that I had enough Starbucks stock to use during my leave. I sent in the paperwork yesterday afternoon.

Three hours later, I was rear-ended. The woman got out to see if I was OK, then told me she didn't have insurance. My aunt was a few cars behind and pulled over. She told me the damage was bad and that we needed to call the police. I asked her to call because my phone was in my pocket, and as she pulled out her cell phone, the woman god into the van, drove around the stopped traffic, ran and redlight, and got out of the county before police were able to get to her. Sigh. I gave both the police and my insurance company the license plate number.

Here's the kicker: I was sure I had uninsured/underinsured coverage. Well, I didn't. My claim is being filed under collision, even though I'm not the one who did the colliding. When I got my policy, I took a pretty high deductible on account of my excellent driving skills (I don't hit people - I have never had an at-fault accident, and in this instance, I was at a complete stop, as was the rest of the traffic on New Shackle). The bottom line is in order to get my car out of the shop I will need $1500, and after next Friday, I won't get another paycheck until December. Any stock I would have used will have to go toward living expenses during my leave. Yay.

I also have a concussion, which comes with a killer headache, nausea, and weak legs. Yay! Just what I need - a bruise on my brain. So I can't drive my car, which is fine because the woman's van took the bumper off. I hate my life.

"If You're Reading This, I'm Already Home"

A lot has happened over the past few weeks, and it's left me in a dark and lonely place. I know I don't update this often enough, but I like to believe that when I do, it is at least worthwhile. I don't like being vulnerable, but I've learned to see the benefits. I don't like being scared and lonely, but I guess they have their perks, too.

A few weeks ago my grandmother had a heart attack, followed by five bypasses. That weekend, my phone was cut off. My dad had told me he would keep me on his cell phone plan after the divorce. He didn't pay the bill. He didn't tell me. Friday, Sept. 21, my phone got cut off. That day, my best friend, Leslie, had her son, Joshua Jackson Reeves. The next morning, her husband, Josh, was killed in Iraq.

I know that all the grief I'm feeling is normal, or so I've read. I've read that it's normal that I can't function. I haven't lasted an 8-hour day at work since it happened. To top that off, the Tuesday after, my grandmother had a stroke, and is now in the hospital for rehab.

I can't sleep. I haven't slept through the night since Josh died. I cry every day. I can't function at work. I can't even do my job, and that's all I have in Chattanooga. It's the whole reason I'm there, and I can't even do it. I wake up scared. I have nightmares. Sometimes I even get physically ill. I can't do my job, and I can't be there for my friend. I feel so helpless and scared right now.

People keep telling me to get sleeping pills, or to get on with my life, get back to a routine. But I don't want to. I don't want to bury this. I am sad. I need to feel sad. I need to let this affect my life. I can't stand the thought of burying all this pain under coffee and paperwork. It just doesn't seem right.

I got some sleeping pills, but I don't want to take them. I am an emotional wreck right now. My parents divorced, my grandmother is in the hospital again, and my favorite person lost her favorite person. I'm so fragile, and I'm afraid that if I find something that makes this easier - makes this pain bearable - that I won't be able to let it go. It's a scary thing to have to look at yourself like that, and I like to think there's at least some wisdom in knowing what I may be capable of. It's frightening to be afraid of your own mind. I just don't want to let myself spiral, and I know I'm on the verge.

Josh's service is something I'll remember for the rest of my life. During the procession, people lined the streets, holding flags, crossing their hearts, saluting. Flags lined the streets leading up to the church, and all of the flags in the county were at half staff. Complete strangers not only pulled over but got out of their cars. Children watched in their parents arm, some saluting. It was the most moving display I have ever seen. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

But it's not fair. We aren't supposed to bury our friends. We aren't supposed to bury husbands and fathers, certainly not at our age. I've tried to make sense of it all, and I can't. I have given up. This is beyond any of my comprehension. I can only hope that time truly does heal wounds, because this is a gaping one.

When I was driving home from Georgia, from Josh's funeral, I was listening to "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw. During the chorus, I saw a falling star. Some cultures believe falling stars are souls on their way to heaven. I hope so. Seeing that gave me an odd peaceful feeling, like I knew Josh was OK, and that Leslie and Jackson will be OK.

"If You're Reading This" - Tim McGraw

If you’re reading this
My mommas sitting there
Looks like I only got a one-way ticket over here
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids
Well I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
I’m up here with God
And we’re both watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
Half way around the world
I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for the innocent and the weak
I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
Tell dad I don’t regret that I followed in his shoes

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
There’s gonna come a day
When you move on and find someone else
And that’s okay
Just remember this
I’m in a better place
Where soldiers live in peace
And angels sing Amazing Grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
If you’re reading this
I’m already home

Exhausted. Send Prayers.

My grandmother had a heart attack Saturday night. My mom called me while I was driving in from Maryville. I spent four hours at the hospital that night, then spent another three tonight. I've got to be back around 5:30 in the morning before her surgery. She had surgery Saturday night, and she's having a quint bypass tomorrow morning. She has five difficult blockages. She looks OK, but she's scared, as are the rest of us.

Currently Feeling: Worried, Scared

"Back Where I Come From"

MARYVILLE, TN: Here I am, in the tiny town I lived in from birth until age 8. When I lived here, it was a dry town. Weird. And the mentality of the people is still somewhat reminiscent of that - we had some great moonshine last night!

My dad and Laura (his girlfriend) were there, and it was kind of weird seeing them all couple-like. I guess it's to be expected. But that isn't the weirdest thing by any means. Laura has some grandkids, and it's just strange to me to see my dad interacting like that. He's not supposed to experience that with kids that aren't mine or Misty's.

I haven't been feeling great lately, and it kind of worries me. I also STILL haven't gotten my deposit back from the apartment I moved out of in June. Bastards. I need my damn money. I've got a speeding ticket to pay. I also haven't heard back from my doc about my test results with all the precancerous bullshit, and I'm not worried about it, but I'd still rather know.

Spending time in Maryville has helped with the loneliness. Tomorrow I'm going to the Titans game. WOOT!

Ten Feet off the Ground

Update: Stealing Internet is hard when you don't have your Windows admin password. Thankfully, it isn't impossible. I'm at my sister's right now. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and then I'm looking for shoes. I might not find the shoes I want, but I've found that I tend to spend my off days shoe shopping. What is wrong with me? I've got two full shoe racks and I've bought about 7 pairs of shoes since I moved to Chattanooga.

I have done some amazing things lately: I have successfully done a handstand push-up, against a wall for balance but not weight support (only my toes were on the wall). I have also lost an inch in my waist, and it somehow magically resurfaced in my chest. SCORE! I've also started working out more regularly. Good for me. I'm glad I'm finally getting off my lazy ass. It sure took a while.

Chattanooga update: I'm still lonely, and at least once a week I wonder what the hell I did. I doubt my abilities a lot, and I often find myself wondering how I'm not constantly fucking everything up. I'm also still far too introspective. Sigh. That part of me might never go away.

I think this has a lot to do with turning 25 in three months. I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not even close. I need therapy. I don't have time for it, but I need it. I met my dad's girlfriend a few days ago. Did I mention I need therapy?

On the plus side, my body's finally not in embarrassing shape. I wore my skinny jeans last week (Abercrombie kids size 12)! I plan to celebrate with new blonde hair and some sweet metallic strappy sandals.

The song of the day, "Apologize." Sometimes it is too late. I think this might be one of those times.

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah yeah

I loved you with the fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late whoa.....

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off...

"The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday"

That's right, I referenced the infamous sunscreen song. I'm back to blogging again. Yay. Look for frequent updates.

Why is it that the things you have to deal with most are things you thought you'd never have to face? Monday I was home I saw first-hand the kind of things that have been going on between my parents for a while now. It was scary. I never thought I'd be afraid in my own house, but I was. I had to leave and go to my aunt's house, because it freaked me out. I'm not going into specifics, so don't ask.

In a few days I'll go back to Chattanooga, and I won't know what to do. I can't do this alone. I can't go through the kinds of things I'm having to go through without friends and therapy. I'm not even sure how I can get through this. It's hard for me to see myself out of it, but I guess I'll have to, because there aren't any options. I just really wish I wasn't alone.

Earthquake!

OAKLAND, CA: Yep, there was a 3.2 around midnight last night. How awesome is that? It was kind of relaxing, really. Definitely not scary.

Today I am doing the car tour of San Francisco, including a trip to the beach, which is only about 60 degrees. What kind of beach is that? Weirdness.

Tonight is probably going to be Hot Yoga. WOOT! More updates to come.

"Where I Got Friends Who Care for Me"

OAKLAND, CA: I'm in California for my first vacation in three years, and it's definitely long overdue. Today I spent the morning in Berkeley, and visited the intersection of Virginia and La Loma, from the Counting Crows song "Perfect Blue Buildings."

A lot has happened to warrant the vaca - my parents' divorce was final last Friday. I've moved to Chattanooga, and while I tell people I'm doing OK there, I'm really not. I think I grind my teeth in my sleep on account of the stress, and my jaws are killing me.

We're hitting up a bar later tonight, then tomorrow I'm cruising around San Fran. Sometime this week, Erica and I are probably going to get in on some Hot Yoga. The weather here is nice. I could see myself moving here at some point. It seems fitting, as I have so much to run away from.

Good News: I Did Not Die

It's been a while, because I haven't had Internet in a year, and I stopped dating Internet-having people in the Spring. Excellent.

I'll make this short and sweet, with the best of intentions to update often.

Friday I move to Chattanooga to manage a Starbucks there. WOOT!

That is all for now. I plan to get a new computer within two months of being there.

Rules of Engagement: Part 2

Remember back when Travis got engaged? Well, now you do!

So he's married now. Again, not to me. And why am I bothered by this? I'm in a relationship, I know Travis and I would've been terrible together, so what is this sadness?

I assume it's my own realization that I'm not going to get all those things I wanted seeing (as how I'm 24 at the moment).

I won't be married by 22.

I won't have three kids by age 30.

I won't have a college degree by age 23.

How much more of my life is going to slip away before something changes?

So I'm going to drink away my pain. Because that's the irresponsible thing to do. But it makes me feel good.

At the risk of being redundant, this one goes out to someone who will never read this. For what it's worth, I enjoyed the ride.

"Champagne High" one more time

I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
"I do" and "I do"
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you'll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation

Bridge
and for the million hours that we were
well I'll smile and remember it all
then I'll turn and go
while your story's completed mine is a long way from done.

Chorus
Well I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high, high

Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine And so real - to me
And while I'm still gone
On the quest for my song
I'm at your - celebration

Bridge & Chorus

Your wagon's been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue...

Bridge

Well I'm on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high...high...
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone...

Only Six Months Until the Fourth of July!

Well, it's the fourth day of the new year, and this is the first I've gotten to blog about it. 2006 was a year of change for me, which I will recap later when I have the time.

First off, some resolutions:

1) Take better care of myself. That means exercising more regularly, eating more fruit (let's not kid ourselves - I'm not going to do the vegetable thing), sleeping when I'm tired, and taking vacations at least every eight months.

2) Stop neglecting my blog. This one's going to be hard, seeing as though I still don't have Internet access at my apartment. Maybe I'll get it. Probably not - my lease is up in four months.

3) Make strides in getting out of debt. This means I need to pay off at least one credit card, ideally two. I need to put some cushion money in savings (right now I have a paltry $200). I also need to live somewhere with fewer expenses ($300-$400 a month max), which probably means moving back home in May.

4) Stop bitching about my life and change it. For instance, if I'm not married by the time I'm 27, I'm moving. Something drastic, too, like across an ocean or something. If North America isn't showing me the love by then, it's time for a change of scenery.

The recap 2006 introspective blog will probably appear Sunday.

Ode to Me

It's my birthday! I'm 24! Yikes!

I have lots to catch up on, but here's the skinny:

R.I.P. Salazar (died Dec. 14, 2006). You were a bitchin' pet.

The next day, I got very sick. I kept getting sicker. Sunday the fever came. I thought I had lost all hope for a disease-free birthday when the nice doctor at the walk-in clinic gave me this MIRACLE SHOT of drug joy! Now I'm all better. Creepy how fast that worked.

Thanks in advance to all of you who will remember my birthday, and no hard feelings to those of you caught up in the holiday madness who will forget.

A Feast on Both Your Houses!

Appetizer
Do you believe there is intelligent life on other planets?
I'm not convinced there's intelligent life on this planet, though I admit it's likely. Thinking that this one spinning ball of gravitational crap is all there is in an endless universe is a little self-centered, even for me.

Soup
iWhat is one thing you said you'd never do, but you eventually did?
Get a tattoo. I used to say that I'd only get one if I could have anesthesia, but I'd never trust a tattoo artist to administer anesthesia, so I'd never get a tattoo. I now have two.

Salad
Who is the teacher that influenced you the most in school?
Probably Mrs. Stephens. She never let me settle for less than the best I could do.

Main Course
If you could trade places with anyone for one day, who would it be and why?
That chick Prince William is dating. Spending a day with the heir to the throne with a British accent wouldn't be half bad.

Dessert
What is your favorite dish to prepare?
Homemade fried chicken, with green beans, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and cherry cobbler for dessert.

The Silver Lining

I'm getting $500 this Thursday to cover my down payment. Starbucks has this CUP Fund thing that is for partners who experience financial needs beyond their means due to circumstances beyond their control. Actually, I donate $3 from every paycheck to the CUP Fund, and I'm glad. Even when things are bad, I always figure there's someone out there who could use that $3 more than I could.

Now, I am that person. I faxed my application today, explaining my ridiculous car situation. They called back within two hours.

And that, my friends, is why I woke up at 3:15 this morning to go to work in Manchester. It's nice to respect your employer.

We Interrupt This Car Payment to Bring You An Eviction

Woohoo! In the endless cycle of suck that is my life, I got a little notice on my door today. As you probably recall, I have this cat who is a complete bastard, and this cat likes to wreak havoc on my apartment while I'm at work. Or at the store. Or doing laundry. Pretty much whenever I'm not there.

He is especially good at terrorizing the place right before the people come to spray for bugs or something, as they tend to do.

Well, this cat bastard is causing unsanitary conditions. No shit! That's why I keep calling him a bastard. As soon as a clean up after his bastard self, he goes and terrorizes something else, or pees on my bed, or rips up the garbage and drags it all across the apartment. Then I clean up after him. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Anyway, I have been trying to get rid of this cat for at least a month. I can't seem to get in touch with anyone at any humane society, and if I do, they're not taking cats.

I have two weeks. Two weeks to get rid of the bastard cat, at which point I'll be able to clean my apartment (again), but this time it will stay clean.

Otherwise, I'm getting evicted.

Fuck. This. Shit.

For those who are just tuning in, this is me giving up. This is me losing all hope and any type of control. I am officially declaring myself a failure at all things that don't involve racking up debt or overusing the word "bastard."

And, just for those wondering, of course I always pay my rent on time.

So let's recap: I'm buying a car (yay), I might be getting evicted (not yay), and I have a cat to get rid of.

Fuck. This. Shit. Again.

Feastless Friday

So there's no feast for a while. I haven't done a meme or survey of any kind, so I'm yankin' this one off of Jess's page. It feels good to be back online.

1. Do you drink milk?
No. I hate milk. It's weird and disgusting that humans are the only animal that drinks milk after infancy and drinks another animal's milk, especially milk made for an animal with four stomach chambers.

2. Do you prefer apple or orange juice?
Orange juice with no pulp, preferable mixed with some type of tasty liquor and grenadine.

3. Do your computer speakers plug into the back of your computer or your monitor?
This is Dan's computer. It's somehow connected to this stereo thing, so all the computer sounds come out of that. Isn't that cool? I have no idea how that happens...

4. How many clocks are in your house?
My apartment has one bedroom and three clocks. I like clocks.

5. How about the room your in right now?
Dan's room has one clock, but the computer and my cell phone also state the correct time. His clock is five minutes fast. It always makes me panic.

6. How often do you check your email?
Now I check it a few times a day. If I'm not at Dan's, I don't check it.

7. Do you live by yourself?
I pay rent for a single apartment. I haven't slept there in about a month, but I do pay rent.

8. What's the most you've ever won on a scratcher?
I think three dollars.

9. What's the nearest food to you right now?
Some candy in the living room.

11. Do you know what a plecostamous is?
Apparently it's a creature that eats Question 10.

12. Have you ever watched a sunrise rise over the ocean?
No, but I've watched it set over the ocean.

13. How many messages are in your inbox/outbox on your phone?
Text messages inbox: 61; outbox: 25

14. Do you prefer wooden or mechanical pencils?
Mechanical

15. What's on your feet right now?
My purple "Feel Better" socks from Emily:) and my tennis shoes

16. Do you have one best friend, or a lot of good friends?
I have a best friend and also many good friends.

17. Snapple or SoBe?
I haven't had Snapple or SoBe in at least five years, so I'm not going to answer this one.

18. Where do you buy birthday/Christmas cards?
I usually don't buy cards. When I do, it's generally from Wal-Mart or a grocery store.

19. What's your take on "puppy love"?
It's a song in Love Actually.

20. Do you enjoy breaking hearts?
I can't imagine anyone does.

21. What date/time was the last text you recieved?
2 hours ago

22. When's the last time you sent a text?
4 minutes after the last one I received

23. What was your favorite childhood tv show?
Full House

24. What's your favorite planet, besides this one?
Tattoine

25. Does anything special happen for you on March 15th?
Yes, each year I re-enact the death of Caesar, speaking only Latin for 24 straight hours. Or maybe I don't. But I generally make it a point to tell people it's the Ides of March.

26. If you could get back in touch with one person you've lost touch with, who would it be?
Cadence. Cadence is fun!

27. What type of internet connection do you use?
It's Comcastic!

28. Do you vote for city-related issues?
If it's on the ballot of a presidential or senatorial election, yes.

29. Do you say 'ya'll', 'you guys', 'dudes', or something else when addressing more than one friend at a time?
Kids. I call groups of people "kids." Even when they're all older than I am.

30. Would you want marijuana legalized if it meant alcohol would be illegal?
Fuck no!

31. Have you ever been to the Vatican?
No, but I think it'd be cool.

32. Have you ever waved at someone who was waving at you, only to realize they were waving at someone else?
Yes

33. What did you do?
Seeing as though they weren't waving at me, no one noticed, so I went about my day.

34. How many remote controls are in your house, and what are they for?
My apartment has two: TV and DVD player, neither of which I can use. Dan's has a lot. You can even open the DVD player with the remote, which is the epitome of lazy. But we do it anyway.

35. Do you mainly use your house phone or your cell phone?
I don't have a house phone.

36. How many 2005 calenders are in your house?
I don't think I have any. Dan has a desk one. I have a datebook on my phone, and a planner.

37. Do you take baths or showers?
Mostly showers, but I enjoy the occasional bubble bath.

38. Do you take quizzes in magazines?
No, but my sister does, and it's fun to read them.

40. Do you buy bananas when they're green so they won't go bad as fast?
I don't like bananas.

41. Do you do anything for a bad sunburn?
I have this prescription silver sulfate burn cream stuff that's awesome.

42. Do use mouthwash? If so, what kind?
Green Listerine after flossing.

43. What noises reach your ears right now?
The electrical buzz of a computer, and the clicking of my typing.

44. Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon?
I've never been west of the Mississippi, except for Wisconsin, which is too far north to count.

45. Have you ever been to a national park (i.e. Yellowstone, Yosemite, etc)?
The Smokies

46. How old are your parents?
My mom just turned 48, my dad is 49

47. Does anyone have the keys to your heart?
I don't even have keys to my own car. Which is another way of saying I refuse to answer such a cheesy question.

48. Have you ever had to run for your life?
Yes, there were stampeding horses. It was frightening. Thankfully, I made it.

49. Is there an empty place in your heart?
Sounds like a surgical problem. I hope not.

50. Have you ever been to a family reunion?
Nope, and I'm never going.

51. Have you ever scraped a pipe?
Nope

52. Do you prepare soup in the microwave or on the stove?
Stove

53. Is it sunny out right now?
Yes, and it's 75 degrees!

54. Do you have a catnip plant in your house?
Nope

55. Do you use surge protectors?
I'm sure Dan does.

56. Do you pay attention to the stock market?
Only SBUX

57. Do you take precautions against contracting West Nile Virus?
Yes, I don't get bitten by infected mosquitoes.

58. Do you meditate?
Not as much as I'd like to.

59. If your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?
I really can't adequately answer this question without being in the situation. I'm pretty sure I'd make his life miserable for a while afterward.

60. Do you eat carbs?
Yes, too many of them.

61. If you could be one animal for the rest of your life, what would you pick?
A human. Wait! I already am one!

62. Are you the kinda person who will search the entire room for the remote because you don't wanna change it on the TV?
Nope

63. Has your insurance gone up because of something on your DMV record?
I have a speeding ticket

64. Have you ever gone to work/school drunk?
Nope

65. Is it all about YOU?
Yeah, it really is, even when it's not. I'm working on that though.

66. Are you allergic to any insect bites?
Not that I know of.

67. Are you allergic to any kind of food/medicine?
Sulfa drugs

68. Have you ever swam in Lake Tahoe?
Nope, and I've never swum in it either.

69. If you could hug one person right now, who would it be?
Dan (awww). It's only been two hours.

70. Are you in debt?
Wow. Am I in debt? Only about 30 grand right now, but I'm about to add to that with a car.

71. When you say "often" do you pronounce the "T" or leave it silent?
I leave it silent.

72. If you could have a plane ticket to anywhere right now, where would you go?
Greece. I get two tickets, right? I don't want to go to Greece alone. If it were just me, I'd take Hawaii, so I could see Jessie.

74. How many pairs of socks do you own?
Wow. I can't count that high. I can tell you I have fewer than 10 pairs of normal white socks.

75. How often do you do laundry?
I usually have to wash work clothes once a week, and I generally need to wash socks and thongs about that often. Dan did laundry while I was at work last night, so I don't have to do it this week.

76. What do you think of Arnold Schwarzenegger?
He was good in Eraser.

77. Do you own your own car, pink slip and all?
Hahahahaha! I don't even have anything to qualify as "my car" right now. I'm about to buy one. Right now, I'm driving my mom's car. It owns me.

78. Has anyone ever given you jewelery on Christmas?
Yes, my parents gave me diamond earrings. I have several things from my parents, from rings and necklaces to belly button rings.

79. Do you count down the days till anything?
Christmas, my birthday, my next day off, vacation...pretty much everything. I even count down the hours until I get off work.

I'll Think I'll Run out of Gas on the Way to Boston, Because I Can't Marry a Lesbian

Last night, I got my mom's oil changed and got her a new air filter, all of which cost $70.99, which I think is nuts. So today I checked my bank account online to see TWO CHARGES PENDING FOR $70.99!

I'm aware that this freak thing happens every now and then, but really, why is it on my account? I called customer service, but it may be a day before they can fix it. My bank can't do anything until it posts, at which time I can dispute the second charge.

So, my friends, tonight my account will most likely overdraw, leading to inevitable overdraft charges that I shouldn't have to pay because this is clearly not my fault. And, by the time they straighten it out, my paycheck will already be pending, and a sizable chunk of that will be used up in these overdraft charges.

And I, my friends, will run out of gas sometime on Thursday. But fear not - I have a blanket in my mom's car, and I guess I'll bring a change of clothes or something because, you know, I'm obviously going to have to sleep there.

I hate banks. And debit cards. And credit cards. And pretty much anything having to do with money. Except money. I like money.

Let's have a shoutout to Michael, whose words of encouragement I value greatly. Michael - YOU ROCK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OK, that was the shout. Out.

Tennessee: What the fuck?!

I heard this song while driving home from work the other night, and it seemed to fit me. So here's your song of the sporadic moment: "Boston" by Augustana.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

You Are Here. Your Comfort Zone Is Way the Fuck over There.

Let's have a little blog time devoted to the comfort zone.

I don't think I'm the kind of person who really is overly concerned with things. I'm not the most laid-back person by any means, but I'm certainly no crisis waiting to happen either. I think I'm somewhere in the middle.

So let's focus on the kinds of things that take me out of my comfort zone. I should note that I've been out of it for a while. It's unpleasant.

Item Numero Uno: People speaking foreign languages around me. I didn't take Spanish. I didn't take French. I didn't take anything anyone still speaks. So don't have a conversation around me in another language. It's just rude.

Item Number the Second: People I don't know en masse. This includes people I've met only a few times. If I don't know you, then you don't know me. And if you don't know me, then you're undoubtedly assessing me, ranking me by your own scale from "too fucked up to function" to "I need to have more friends like this." I don't like trying to impress people, and I really don't like feeling that I have to try to impress people.

Item Three: Church. Still. Just thought I'd throw that one out there. Did you like how I used the number 3, as if it were some obligatory reference to the trinity? Yeah, that wasn't an accident.

Item Four: Possibly the most insecure thing: my financial situation. I'm poor. I'm no longer government poor, but I am so indebted that there isn't a way out in at least five years, and that doesn't even count those student loans. That means every single paycheck I get in the next 60 MONTHS is already obligated to something else. And I STILL have to buy a car...

Why the sudden listing? Well, I love asking myself questions and answering them, so I'll jump right in here: I've been out of my comfort zone lately. I've felt out of place at work, I felt more than out of place last weekend, and the thought of adding a car payment to my already paper-thin budget makes me want to file bankruptcy and suffer the consequences. But I think 23 is too early for that milestone.

No, I don't think life is supposed to be easy. I don't think I should get everything I want at all times, and I don't think gas and food should be free.

But it shouldn't be this hard. There are some things in life people should never have to go through, and even more things you shouldn't have to face at least until your late 30s. So why me? What did I do?

I ask this because I do think I'm being punished. I don't steal, I don't lie, I don't sleep around, I don't do drugs. I don't even smoke.

But I'm not healthy. I'm healthier than I was, but I'm still only 85% or so. I don't have a degree. I'm almost 24, and I'm unmarried, no kids, and I haven't seen the ocean in six years. Sometimes I wonder if it's still there, or maybe it, too, is losing it's drive, contemplating it's existence, thinking maybe I'm not here.

I Didn't Make the Grade in 'Classy'

Well, I wasn't able to get my car, because, apparently, my credit is SO BAD that applying for a loan with my sister as a co-applicant...I WAS DENIED! Sigh. I hate my life.

Then I got to spend a terribly awkward weekend with Dan and his Vanderbilt friends. Yes, they've all graduated. Yes, they're all younger than I am. And, yes, they all thought Borat was "the best thing ever."

By the way, if you're thinking of seeing that movie, go ahead and stab yourself in the throat. Unless, of course, you're into misogyny and racism. Then it's right up your alley. Wow. At first I spelled that as "ally" - how embarassing.

At least I don't enjoy shitty movies.

So back to the awkward weekend: It was far too reminiscent of my brief hellacious stint at Emory, and while I didn't dislike these friends of his, I got the impression that they didn't particularly care for me. Perhaps it was the overuse of the word "classy."

Am I insane here? Somebody give me some insight. I'm aware that upon meeting people for the first time, you may not "get" their sense of humor or what-have-you, but aren't there general rules of etiquette that keep you from saying things like, "Our rule for dates is it's OK if we've met the person, so we're sorry we met Wendy last night," or "We're too classy to drink [what you drink]."

I mean, help me out here. Am I just nuts? Do I have unrealistic expectations for people? Or is this a legitimate cause of concern?

It's entirely possible that this is normal and acceptable communication in this circle of friends that I'm unfamiliar with, so I'm keeping an open mind. But I refuse to make trips to the liquor store to get port. I mean, there comes a point when you just need to take shots of Jack Daniels until you pass out. And that point is now.

And now I'm about to force Dan to watch both Kill Bill movies with me, because after this weekend, I need to watch some death. Lots of death.

On a Scale of 330 to 830, I Scored: Suck

Have you ever gone to the free credit report site?

My rating is classified as...

VERY POOR!

You know, very poor, kinda like me!

I am in the 2.9 percentile. Boy, would I love to meet those 2.9.

So, in conclusion, I really need to marry someone with good credit. I mean phenomenal credit. Or come into a large sum of cash.

Any takers?

Not Again...

Well, I woke up yesterday morning in severe pain. That's right, friends - the pain is back. Hopefully it's just some freak coincidence that it's the same kind of pain I had before. Right now I'm on antibiotics to kill all the diseases I don't have.

I found a car! I'm buying a 2002 Ford Focus...and it's a stick shift! And, yes, I'm aware I don't know how to drive one, but my dad is teaching me. I couldn't turn town the bitchin' gas mileage. It even still smells like a new car!

Here's a feast for your reading enjoyment.

Appetizer
Create a new candle scent.
Clean laundry. I love clean laundry smell.

Soup
Name one way you show affection to others.
I'm an ass-grabber...OK, not really. I'm big on hugging.

Salad
What is your favorite writing instrument?
Gel pens! I love gel pens, especially metallic ones.

Main Course
If you were given $25 to spend anywhere online, from which site would you buy?
Victoria's Secret, although I probably couldn't buy much for $25. Maybe I'd hit up Godiva or something.

Dessert
Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
If I'm well enough to go to a party, I'm going to be a pirate! If not, I'll be dressing up as a sick girl, complete with my Abercrombie hoodie and my sweat skirt - the best invention ever!

Does Anyone Want to Help Me Siphon Gas?

Well, friends, here I am, awake too early on my day off, about to head to Hendersonville for some quality car shopping time with mom. Special thanks to my sister for being my cosigner so that I can get an automobile that doesn't fuck up all the time.

I have $35 worth of gas in these unused cars. Anyone want to help me siphon it? Follow this link for some know-how.

I know I need a car, but the thought of EVEN MORE DEBT kind of makes me want to hurl. My student loan payments will be due soon, but I called them and will hopefully be able to get a forbearance. We shall see.

Well, what do you know: Another Feast!

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?
I have two: Mountain Dew and Malibu & Coke

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
Well, seeing as though I don't have one of these, let's just pick three things on Dan's computer desk: a Post-It with my work schedule (aww), a digital camera, and a very large Aladdin thermal mug about half full of change

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
I give me an 8, because while I don't lie, I can be passive-aggressive at times

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
I would change Murfreesboro to MTSU Parking Sucks, because, you know, it does. I know you all expected me to name a town after myself. Well, ha!

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
Car problems stress me out, specifically getting broken down in methtown...ooh wait! I'd change Manchester to MethTown. Anyway, yeah, that stresses me out. What calms me down? Cool Water incense, the smell of cloves, and pretty much anything with lots of chocolate in it. And a candlelit bubble bath.

Two months until I'm 24. I'm so old.

This Is Getting Ridiculous

Guess what happened two miles from the store last night?

MY CAR BROKE DOWN!

This means that I've had a breaking down moment three times in three days.

This time was scarier, though, because I was on 24, with no lighting, on the shoulder of Deliverance country. Yikes!

Not sure what to do now - both cars I drive are out of comission, and, as my mom put it, "We're out of cars."

I need a car. For that I need either a) a decent sum of money or b) a co-signer.

I'm open to suggestions.

Currently listening to: Not a damn thing
Currently feeling: Hopeless

"Piece of Shit Car" - Not the Adam Sandler Song

Well, what a joyous few days I've had. I wish there were some HTML code for sarcasm.

Actually, I've had a mix of days.

Wednesday, I had a run-in with the Devil. How in the hell, in all the bars in the greater Nashville area, do I end up at the same bar as the Devil? I mean, is this some kind of cruel karmic joke that I don't get because I'm still too traumatized to be in the same zip code as this person, let alone the same room? But I digress...

Friday, the car wouldn't start. I've been driving my dad's since my wouldn't start a few weeks ago. Well, shit. So now the red car, which used to be my car and is now my dad's, won't start. Guess what it needs? A battery! Well, hot damn! So I call my dad, who comes over to Dan's so we can get a new battery and then...TRY TO INSTALL IT!

This wouldn't normally be a blog-worthy task, but there's this metal mount thing over the battery, and it won't move! The screws are so happy to be holding my dead battery in place that they won't even budge - and my dad's a big guy. So, with some help from a hammer, screwdriver, and some vice grips, my dad proceeds to BREAK IT! I mean he literally tore the metal apart so we could lift it to replace the battery. This whole process took several hours, and I had to miss work.

Then, whilst driving home this afternoon, the transmission starts acting weird. I was stopping off at SmyrnaBux and had to gun the gas to get it to go into reverse, and then it started slipping. Now, I've known this transmission needed to be replaced for a while (Misty drove it for 120,000 miles and never serviced it), and I had planned to do it last year, but then the radiator was all fucked, so I had to replace that. I even asked for a transmission service for Christmas, but it wasn't meant to be. Well, wouldn't you know it, I'm in traffic on West End and BAM! The fucking car DIES at a red light. It took me a few times to get it started again, and I turned into the first parking lot and called Dan, and then my dad, because the damn thing won't shift.

SO THE TRANSMISSION IS GOING OUT!!!!

I'd make the font bigger, but there isn't a large enough font to convey my anger/humiliation/overall shitty luck.

On the plus side, I got Mannix back for a bit, but of course, it has only a quarter tank of gas, and I'd just filled up the red death machine an hour earlier.

I'm Ba-ack! OR Dress Me for Halloween

I know, I know, I know. I'm a very bad blogger. I shall spank myself later.

So here I am, chilling at Dan's whilst he's at work. Engineering. That's right - my boyfriend's an engineer. I'm such a grown-up!

I have lots to unravel for you, but I don't feel like doing it in one blog, and I'm quite certain none of you wants to read it, so here's a poll: What should I be for Halloween?

And the choices are...

A. Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy
B. Some kind of sexy cop
C. Some kind of sexy pirate
D. Bloodrayne

And, just for kicks, here's the most recent feast:

Appetizer
Name a song you know by heart.
"The Music of the Night" from The Phantom of the Opera. Actually, I'm quite certain I know that whole show by heart.

Soup
What will you absolutely not do in front of another person?
Shave. I know, I'm weird.

Salad
How often do you use mouthwash and what kind do you like?
Spearmint Listerine, or whatever the green one is. I like to use it after flossing.

Main Course
Finish this sentence: I am embarrassed when...
I lose a game or something in front of other people. I don't like this feast - it makes me sound all shallow. And makes me use phrases like "all shallow."

Dessert
What was the last food you craved?
Chocolate. When is it ever not chocolate?

The Concussion Blog

So I haven't blogged in a while. I have no Internet. And I really don't know why I'm blogging now because I have a mild concussion. I hit my head. With a migraine.

Now I know what it's like to be stupid. I keep saying stupid things, I don't have complete function of my brain, because I can't seem to grasp addition and counting as well as I used to. But it is kind of fun being a complete spaz for a day.

I'm getting a catten tomorrow! Soon after, I'll get some Internet, and then it'll be go time!

The Best Week Ever (Not the TV Show)

Yes, my friends, after much bad karma and bad luck, I have had the best week I have had in several years, despite the fact that I didn't get paid. More on that later.

Monday I was off. That was nice. Tuesday I had District Panel, which is a pre-panel. Panel is Starbucks' way of promoting for MIT (manager in training). You go before a panel of higher-ups, and they interview you for 45 minutes or so. If you pass, you get promoted. My District Panel went really well - apparently everyone was talking about how well at did at the District Meeting the next day. It went so well that they sent me to the real panel - Region Panel - on Thursday.

Thursday night, during our Friends and Family, Lavonne, our DM, called out, "Everybody stop what you're doing right now!" Naturally, everyone did, and then she said, "We all need to congratulate Wendy on her promotion!" And there were cheers, and we were merry.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, I get a hefty pay raise. It will probably be about double what I make now. I'll be on salary, but I'll also get overtime. I get to go to the district meetings and be on the conference call and maybe, in a year or so, I'll be managing a store.

I'm also getting my car back!

Remember back when Mannix died? Well, my dad got a new job (first and second interviews the same day as mine, actually), so he needs a car. My mom decided it would be cheaper to resurrect Mannix than to buy a new car. I asked for it back. She resisted. I asked my dad, and he said he didn't care, and that means...

NEXT WEEK I'LL HAVE AIR CONDITIONER! AND MY 10-DISC CD CHANGER, AND A FUNCTIONING SUN ROOF!

I took my driver's test in that car. I love it! Even though the windows still leave about half an inch open if you roll them all the way up.

Oh yeah - not getting paid. During the last pay period, I was working out of three different stores. I only got paid for the 8 hours I worked in Smyrna, and I freaked out because rent is due. I called my manager at 6 p.m. (4 in Seattle, thank God). They are over-nighting me a check. They offered to do a cash advance, but I didn't want to leave the store with a lot of cash last night - it was after midnight. So all is well.

"Are you still dating that girl?"

No, I'm not, to answer the weirdest question I was asked Saturday. In fact, I'm not entirely sure who "that girl" is, and the time that we allegedly dated escapes me, but, to be all formal and answer, I am not still dating this imaginary girl.

I'm also not dating the beautiful bass player from the Hendersonville Starbucks. He's gay, much to my surprise, as well as the surprise and utter amusement of Michael, who broke the news to me in a fit of laughter. The Michael - she's a kidder. Yes, it's a she.

I'm not dating your mother, either, but I might be using her for sex.

OK, so I'm sorry. I've been neglecting you, and it's because I've been really busy. I even missed my yearly Kevin Spacey celebration (I think he's a really good actor).

The air conditioning went out at my apartment a week ago, and I spent the better part of my afternoon and evening trying to convince myself that 87 degrees isn't really that hot.

I have district panel tomorrow, so I'll spend today - my only day off this week - freaking out about it, busying myself with such menial tasks as my resume and tidying the apartment.

Yesterday I enjoyed a lazy afternoon with Heather, during which we watched nearly the entire first season of Weeds. I had a dream about smoking pot from some homemade Survivoresque pipe constructed from feathers. I'm not sure how that worked, but it did.

I've managed to work out air conditioned transportation for my interview at the Belle Meade store tomorrow. I'm using my sister's car - she's in New Orleans for the week. I'm not supposed to tell my mom. I don't see how it matters, but I'm playing along.

I had some potentially bad news: Once school starts, I may not be able to be online for a while. I have no Internet at my apartment. Perhaps my wired friends will lend a hand.

Well, I'm off to check my 300 e-mails. Here's a feast for ya.

Appetizer
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?
The feather pot pipe was pretty entertaining.

Soup
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
I don't think I'd be a dog, and it's not a cop-out. I'm just not a dog person, and I know absolutely nothing about dogs, other than their needy, attention-starved nature and their uncanny ability to piss on the carpet. I'd be a puppy. Really any type of puppy would work.

Salad
Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."
I take naps in the winter and wake up after sundown. It always takes me a second to figure out what day it is.

Main Course
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.
My resume and cleaning my kitchen. And laundry. OK, so I'm a procrastinator. I also need to feed Salazar.

Dessert
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
Malibu and Dr. Pepper, at Heather's last Tuesday. It was tasty.

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish OR Adeo Quod Gratiae pro Totus Piscis Piscis

By the way, if you translate that line back into English using some Web site, you get "To approach and thanks for whole fish."

Why the Latin? I'm glad you asked thought I was weird. It's in honor of my Governor's School roommate, Heather, with whom I had a delicious lunch and conversation Thursday. Let's break it down by comparing our lives (keep in mind she graduated high school in 2000, one year ahead of yours truly).

Heather went to Vanderbilt.
I spent one semester at Emory before I ran screaming to MTSU.

Heather has a boyfriend named Adam.
I have a boyfr...OK, I don't have a boyfriend. But I used to date an Adam. Midway through our courtship, he wanted to revert back to his first name, Dietrich, but I refused to go through the ordeal of explaining to everyone I know that my boyfriend wanted to be called something else. This, oddly, was not the demise of our relationship.

Heather teaches Latin.
I took Latin, but I really only paid attention about half the time. The rest of the time was spent tallying the number of times our teacher repeated various words and phrases.

Heather has a degree.
I have attempted enough hours for a degree.

I'm sure as time wears on, I'll have many more comparisons.

Guess what today is? Pay day! Also, it's Friday, and that means we need to feast on the past few weeks. This will hopefully make up for all the time I missed. I owe you Feasts 100 - 103.

Oh yeah. The title: I've officially left Smyrna and spent my first day at the new Manchester store. It's a nice store. I'm excited.

Feast 100

Appetizer
On average, approximately how many times per day do you yawn?
Probably only once or twice. I'm not as shallow a breather as I once was.

Soup
What was your most memorable school field trip?
I had a blast at the jail in second grade.

Salad
Fill in the blank: I was extremely __________________ this week.
Introspective. Right. As opposed to all those other weeks when I completely ignore myself. That's my sarcatstic typing. At any rate, I was introspective this week.

Main Course
Which color do you think of when you hear the word "soothing"?
A fountain...oh shit, that's not a color. I like of toothpaste green, like pale mint. I guess it reminds me of Aloe or something.

Dessert
What is something that, if you had to, you could save up the money to buy within one month?
A new toothbrush, and some work socks and pants.

Feast 101

Appetizer
When was the last time you visited a hospital?
I was in the Emergency Room a few weeks ago.

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?
I think I vary between 8 and 9.5.

Salad
Make a sentence using the letters of a body part. (Example: (mouth) My other ukelele tings healthily.)
I'm going to choose everyone's favorite body part to scope out: Cervix. By the way, I had to backspace because I accidentally typed "boy part" - that would've been funny.
Could everyone resist violating innocent xylophones?

Main Course
If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?
I'd start a Buffy club I guess, and I'd name it Staked, and the "t" would look like a cross.

Dessert
What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
Beige.

Feast 102

Appetizer
Name one thing nice that you could do for someone else today.
I'm not going to see anyone else today, except for Salazar. I'll take him out of the cage and play with him, provided he's not still moody like he was last night. If that doesn't work, I guess I'll just pay a bill. That tends to please people.

Soup
When was the last time you were frightened by the weather?
Today. I was driving home from Manchester and the wind was blowing my car out of the lane. I called my dad to get a weather update.

Salad
What would you say is the most useful website or blog that you visit?
Google.

Main Course
Who was your favorite singer/group when you were a child?
Either Exile or The New Kids on the Block. Or Tiffany. I loved her.

Dessert
Do you have any rituals? If so, what are they?
Yes. On the third day of every month, I sacrifice a virgin. It's a little messy. OK, I do have one I actually do: Every time I count in at work, I face all the bills in the safe, in all the tills (if I open or close), and I count all the clips. I'm a little Rain Man-ish when it comes to money.

And finally, Feast 103.

Appetizer
Fill in the blanks: I ____________ when I _____________.
I take off my bra when I get home in the summer. It's usually the first thing I do because my car is so hot.

Soup
Name something you use to make your home smell good.
Incense, usually China Rain.

Salad
If you could receive a coupon in the mail for 50% off any product, what would you want it to be for?
A new car.

Main Course
Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the hours of your typical day doing?
Working.

Dessert
What can you hear right now while answering these questions?
The hum of computers, and my click-clack typing on this godforsaken keyboard.

Separation Anxiety OR Mutant Cicadas Beware

I turned in my store and safe keys today. Weird. I'm going to Manchester on Friday, and we open two weeks after that. It's all a little strange, and I never thought it'd be so hard and exciting to change stores.

Friday I did something I never thought I'd do - I drank to feel better. It's odd when you realize you still have the ability to scare yourself. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I'm trying not to think too hard about it.

I've also tried not to think too hard about how dangerously close the poverty line and I are. I'm trying not to think.

I had a battle with a mutant cicada last night! And by "battle" I mean "refusing to enter my apartment and calling my manly man friends to kill it."

Seriously, this bug was freaky. And now it's dead.

I'm seriously considering changing my major and becoming an oncologist. More on this later.

I'm seriously overusing the word seriously. Seriously.

I'll be interesting later, but for now, let's have a song of the day: "How to Save a Life" by the Fray.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

"I like what she said, but not what it means"

So I've been looking 'round the Internet for something not depressing, and I found an interesting meme that looks fun, so, you know, sorry if it sucks, but did you really want to read more whining? I didn't think so. I'm also adding a line or two of lyrics, just for kicks.

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band (you pick your own band or artist)

Artist/band: Counting Crows (my favorite band - I can't wait to see them in August!)

Are you male or female: I Wish I Was a Girl
For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change
And I'm going down to Hollywood
They're gonna make a movie
From the things that they find crawling round my brain

Describe yourself: A Murder of One
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

How do some people feel about you: Love and Addiction
This picture you see is nothing like the one I wanted painted of me

How do you feel about yourself: Butterfly in Reverse
And everything that hurts you
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
And other perfect things

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: If I Could Give All My Love (or Richard Manuel Is Dead)
You were sleeping next to me
But I knew that you'd be gone

Describe where you want to be: Goin' Down to New York Town
Well I feel just like a freight train baby, running out of steam
I wanna go on down to New York town, but I'm stuck in between
And I could stay on here at home alone and have myself to thank
But I just made a billion dollars, and I don't wanna put it in the bank

Describe what you want to be: A Mona Lisa
All I want to say
Is everything's all right and I'm OK

Describe how you live: She Don't Want Nobody Near
She don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be

Describe how you love: We're Only Love
We're only love, at it's best or worst

Share a few words of wisdom: Shallow Days
I like what she said, but not what it means

"I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call; I don't believe in magic anymore"

I've been thinking quite a bit lately, a dangerous task I know. Walk with me for a bit down this memory trail.

I could count on one hand the number of guys who said they'd love me forever, and, truth be told, I'd still have a few fingers left over. So what does that mean? Was I lied to? If so, what would prompt someone into telling such a lie? Maybe at the time they really did think they would love me forever, and if that was the case, what changed? When did "forever" become synonymous with "until you're in a different time zone?"

I've had contact with two of them the past week, and I just don't know how to handle it. How can you have your past hurled at you and be expected to touch it, let alone understand it and try to find the elusive silver lining.

It's all disillusioning, especially when factoring in the possibility that no one will love me forever, that I'll just go about my days alone, blogging ridiculously long sentences in celebration of the current pity party. I'd like to think I'm better than that. I'd like to think a lot of things.

I've loved a lot, perhaps too much as my scarred heart indicates. And sometimes I think I will love some people forever. How do you live when that's the case? How do you drag yourself out of bed knowing that your best days have come and gone?

But I do drag myself out of bed every day, usually at least an hour before I want to. I get dressed, drive through the Tennessee heat with no air conditioning sweating out my impurities all the way to work. Then I put a smile on my face (I'm good at faking that) and spend eight hours making other people happy. It's not much, but it's something.

I leave you with Feast Ninety-Nine.

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you like your job?
Right now I'd give it a 9.

Soup
When was the last time you think you were lied to?
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing sometime around February was the last time I was lied about.

Salad
Share some lyrics from own of your favorite songs.
I can only assume this means "one of your favorite songs." My favorite song is "Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits. Enjoy these lyrics:
My door was standing open
Security was laid back and lax
But it was only my heart got broken
You must have had a pass key made out of wax
You played robbery with insolence
And I played the blues in twelve bars down Lover's Lane
And you never did have the inteligence to use
The twelve keys hanging off my chain

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

Main Course
What do you do/take when you are in pain?
It depends on the strength of pain. If it's mild, I just lie in bed and cry a bit. If it's bad, I take Vicodin. Relax, it's a prescription from the last time I was in bad pain. God bless the ER.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: My __________ is very __________.
My family is very fucked up.

"I wish that I was stronger, right now I feel as fragile as glass"

Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe? It's not pleasant, let me tell you.

I have two things in my life right now that I'm grateful for: 1) My sister, who I consider to be pretty much the only stable family I have; 2) My job, which is usually enjoyable and keeps a roof over my head.

Having said that, everything else is just shit. Yes, I appreciate having friends, but I don't even have those kind of relationships like I used to have. My friends all seem distant, like I might as well be living on another continent. Sure, people care and express interest, but it's not the same reaction I might have gotten if this shit happened in, say, high school. My house would have been flooded with people, flowers, ice cream, movies, and Monopoly.

Do you ever look back on your life and realized how fucked it is? Just counting all my losses in mind-boggling, and I'm a numbers-friendly person, usually. It's easier to count what I have. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever recover.

I have been remiss in the feasting lately, so here's a few past ones to perk you (or me) up.

Feast Ninety-Eight

Appetizer
What is a word that you use that would not be considered common?
Expletive! I can't curse at work, even when a ceramic plate breaks across my foot, so I just say, "Oh, expletive!" a few times a day.

Soup
What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?
I don't have a calendar of this year. I also don't ever check the weather in advance. I prefer to be completely oblivious and surprised all the time.

Salad
Name 3 people you speak with by telephone a regular basis.
Well isn't this embarrasing. I actually don't have three people I speak with on a regular basis.
1) My dad (probably daily)
2) Starbucks/people from my store (again, probably daily)
3) My voicemail, although I don't talk back

Main Course
If you could buy a new outfit for someone you know - who would it be and what would you purchase for them?
I'd buy Kammi's two-year-old daughter Sierra a cat costume, because, you know, that'd be really cute.

Dessert
What is the last beverage you drank?
An iced grande caramel vanilla latte. I made it myself!

Feast Ninety-Seven

Appetizer
About how much money did you spend on gas this week?
$20 today - not having air conditioning has its perks.

Soup
What is your favortite brand of toilet paper?
Charmin. I will spend the extra bucks.

Salad
When was the last time you discovered something that you thought was pure genius?
A few months ago, when I came up with the idea of having a Sharpie in each till so that partners wouldn't keep walking home with them after their shifts every day.

Main Course
What is the least amount of sleep you can get by on per night?
I'm going on less then four hours right now, and I'm just dandy.

Dessert
June is a popular month for weddings. Do you know anyone who is getting married this month?
Nope, though I'm sure someone is. Leslie got married last June.

Colpin' A Feel

For those who haven't heard yet, I finally had that colposcopy. Of course, this came after Wednesday, which might be my longest day ever. I went to an early meeting at work, went to the ER across the street, then came back and went to work some more. Yikes. Suffice it to say that the pelvic pain is coming back, and the only way to do anything that remotely resembles diagnosis is to do a pelvic exam, which hurts quite a bit when you're suffering from pelvic pain.

But I digress. The colposcopy (yes, I cried - it hurt) revealed that I have a mild case of precancerous cells in my cervix, which is what I expected it to say. Props to my gynecologist for realizing I was in so much pain and commenting, "I don't think you're going to let me do this biopsy." You are correct. So I did get out of some tissue being forcibly removed from my cervix. Woot!

The treatment plan right now is to watch it, do an ultrasound in a few weeks, then do a Pap in December. Ideally, it will have gone away by then. We can only hope.

I swear I tried to blog a few Fridays ago, but the damn site was down. Argh.

On the plus side: The ER doctor thought I worked in medicine because of my apparently impressive medical terminology.

This Has to Hold You Over

OK, so here's a feast. I won't be blogging on Memorial Day because the lab is closed. Instead, I'll be working at the Bux for time and a half! Woot!

Appetizer
How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I think I was 18. I might have been 17. It was a store credit card to a furniture store that I never used, but just having it led me to my second credit card. Let's not talk about that one.

Soup
When was the last time you felt out of place?
I wish I were feeling introspective enough to answer this decently. I guess the better question is asking when was the last time I didn't feel out of place? I guess the best answer is the last time I went home and everyone was sleeping in different rooms. I realized then that my house wasn't my home anymore. My dad slept in my room, my sister slept on the upstairs couch, and I went back to Murfreesboro to sleep in my own empty house, alone with no cat and no roommate. My heart is homeless right now.

Salad
Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager? If so, what time did you have to be home?
It was 11 p.m. until I turned 18 and living at home - then it was midnight. However, if I called, I could be late. And a few times I just stayed over at Leslie's because she had no curfew. At that time, I gave my parents a 1 a.m. curfew (they had to call me if they were going to be out past 1) because of one night when no one came home until 3 a.m. and I was stalking about the house with a knife in one hand and a phone with the police on the line in the other, but that's a story for another blog. When I was 19, my mom made me call if I was still out at 6 a.m., which I did. I mean, really, a 6 a.m. curfew? What's the point?

Main Course
Name a person from history with whom you feel you have something in common.
Joan of Arc - I plan on being burned at the stake. OK, not really. Rene Descartes, a philosopher and mathematician. Need I say more?

Dessert
When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I read newspapers? I check the news on my phone (I work too much to be able to read or watch news - it took me three days to hear about that tsunami). If I can actually see a paper, I skim the front page and do the puzzles.

If You Search for "Hooker"...

...apparently you end up here. So all you Johns out there looking for a pretty woman on Technorati: Go fuck yourself. Or not. I really don't care if you get off.

Isn't that odd? Maybe not. Maybe hookers actually blog about their nightly encounters in hopes that some poor schmuck will stumble upon them on some idle Internet search, sitting in front of his computer with a loose white T-shirt and stained plaid boxers, surrounded by Playboy and Maxim.

My syntax is a mess up there. Pay no attention to that chasm between the pronoun and the antecedent.

And this, oh ye searchers for Internet hookers, is why I will never sleep with you. I critique my own grammar on my blog, and you're frantically googling "antecedent."

I like being smart.

A Moderately Uplifting Post

Well, good news: I can pay for school! Thanks to all who offered support, both moral and financial. I owe a debt of gratitude to Joel, Lexi and Kammi, who chipped in to help me pay my debt to the school and my debt to my sister. It really means a lot.

My parents have inevitably gotten themselves involved in sending e-mails to the school, which is all fun because now e-mails from the school are going back to me, my parents, and even my sister. WTF?!

I've got to hand it to them - it's really a nice existence being under the delusion that higher-ups actually care. The head financial aid guy was helpful, although he actually told my parents I should work fewer hours. Right, and I'll just get evicted and live in the library. That's a capitol plan!

How is it that when nothing is your fault, everything is your fault? I'm not flawless by any means, but I can trace all this back to Fall 2004, when I was diagnosed with mono.

Now I'm finding myself doing things and considering things I never thought I would in order to get money for school in fall. What has happened to me?

And, just for the hell of it: This is just a friendly reminder that I am not a hooker or a stripper, so please stop with the assumptions. And if in some alternate reality I were, you wouldn't be able to afford me.

"I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain"

First off, thanks to everyone who has offered encouragement and condolences. "Everyone" largely includes people I've never actually met - you've all been much more supportive than I would have imagine, and certainly more so than most of the people I actually know. I guess I could ponder that, but I don't much feel like it right now.

I've talked to my dad, who told me not to worry because we'd work something out. However, even he, I think, realizes my options are limited, if they even exist. Today he sent me an e-mail that said: "Life sucks sometimes, huh?"

I've haven't talked to my mom yet. Mostly, I'm worried that she'll blame me, and I feel like shit enough as it is without any help from outside sources.

I still have to pay for the class I'm in now even though I won't be able to get credit for it if I haven't paid by Friday because I'll be dropped. And, no, I can't sell my book back, because I have no frickin' clue where the receipt is, assuming they'd even take it back this late, which I'm sure they won't.

Have you ever thought you had nothing else to lose, and then you've lost something? Have you ever thought you couldn't possibly cry any more tears, and yet they keep coming? Have you ever asked someone to stay the night with you because you're afraid of what you'll do if you're alone? And that's just this week.

I don't know what to do. I can't even being to wrap my brain around what I can possibly do. I guess it could be conceived as giving up, but I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling. I just want everything to stop, to be over. But it doesn't stop. It never stops. And this is what my life is going to be like from now on: debt and misery.

So, like I said, bring on the rain.

Cancel Those Flowers

Well, I've canceled my colposcopy. Before you get all freaking out on me, hear me out. I have to drop out of school. Ergo, I don't have insurance. I also don't have enough credit to get a private loan (thanks, in part, to all those medical bills in my name that I was erroneously led to believe were being paid). So I'm really fucked right now. And because I'm really fucked, I'm not going to do whatever it is they were going to do that would result in them telling me my cells are precancerous and nothing to worry about. See, I did all that right now, and it didn't cost me a penny.

Well, the school suspended my aid on May 16, one day after my first summer class started. You can see my frustration here. Not only was I not notified, but I was told I would be able to get a loan, AND now I'm fairly certain I'm stuck paying for this class regardless of whether or not I drop it. I'm still waiting to hear from them for sure, but that's what they led me to believe.

I have a few plans of how to raise the money, but they're either illegal or involve stripping, neither of which is appealing.

I know what you're thinking: Why don't your parents cosign for you?

Are you kidding me? They're living in separate rooms in the house, hardly speaking to each other, and this is all money-related. They don't have money. They don't have the credit to cosign for me, hence why I got stuck with a piece of shit, air conditioner-free Saturn instead of a new(er) car last year - they told me then that they weren't able to cosign for me.

Estimated graduation date: Yikes. I don't want to try to suss that out. I'll be missing that oh-so-important prerequisite AGAIN this year, making it at least two years to graduate whenever I get back.

In case you don't recall, my professor (oh let's just call him Dr. Khaliq) failed me last fall WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY. Yes, he's an asshole. I asked for an incomplete, which he wouldn't give me. I ended up with a W, which I thought was just him being a decent human being, but no. That was an error. It was changed to an F later.

I violently dislike that man. And MTSU. And let's just throw Siddy Mac in there for kicks, too. I dislike most of MTSU, except for the following people: Ron, Jack, Dr. Kholodnyi, Dr. Barlow, Dr. Fowler, Angela, Paco, Dr. Hollman, Porter, and...no that pretty much sums it up. Oh yeah. Greek Life. And Jackie. And though I haven't had her yet, I've had some helpful chats with Dr. Green. They're swell!

If anyone knows how I can get $1176 quickly and legally, I'm open to suggestions.

Hey, let's do a feast!

Appetizer
What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
My psyche.

Soup
If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
This is an easy one: school and the American Cancer Society.

Salad
What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
"Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits

Main Course
You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Where they keep the frozen mice to feed Salazar. Hey, you asked.

Dessert
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I'm athletic, but not really built. I'm toned, and I dance and do Pilates, both of which require a great deal of strength and muscle control, but I'm not sporty athletic. I'd give me a 7.

Well, @%$^*&!

Yeah, remember how MTSU lost my form? Well, now something worse has happened: My financial aid is lost, too.

Yes, I'm aware I'm supposed to get a letter. I didn't.

When I registered for summer classes, the system said I was on financial aid probation for the summer. No big, right? Just pass my summer classes, which is easy because I'm all about some summer class.

Then I got online today and noticed an e-mail stating my loan had finally been sent to the school (OK, the word "finally" was added by yours truly). I signed on to PipelineMT and checked my account, which still didn't show the money. Thinking it was odd, I decided to check my holds.

FINANCIAL AID SUSPENSION SUMMER 2006

WTF?! When did this little change occur? Why wasn't I notified? And, more importantly, HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO PAY FOR SCHOOL?!

I've sent an angry e-mail to the financial aid powers that be, and I plan to go there after my test tomorrow, but here's probably how it's going to go down (please, hold all cries of joy until I've left and returned with a weapon):

1) They'll realize it's a misunderstanding. Seriously, why was I allowed to apply for aid if I didn't qualify? I really hope that appeal deadline hasn't passed - they're supposed to send you that information when they send you the letter that says you've lost your aid. I'm also not to keen on appealing, as getting all those medical records AGAIN will cost me another $50 or so.

2) I'll have to drop out of school for a while, possibly permanently. I'll work at Starbucks until I'm 35, at which point I'll probably put a bullet in my head, because I'll end up in a loveless marriage with absolutely nothing, and I'm sure by then my family will have deteriorated to nothing.

So that's it. I'd cry but I'm in the business lab and don't feel like drawing attention to myself. I've also quit going to therapy (I'm too poor for that), and I'm not going to the shrink, and that little colposcopy thing is seeming more and more like a bad idea...

Send liquor. It's going to be a long few days.

OK, I Cave AND On My Own

OK, to all the people who insisted I let the friendly gynecologist tell me I don't have cancer in a very expensive way, I cave.

I'm having the colposcopy June 9 at 1:20 p.m., so you people better call me or send strippers DVDs, puzzlebooks and candy. I'm not really into flowers, unless they're velvet Southern Belle Roses. Bonus points if you splurge for that!

I started class Monday, and as soon as I'm done typing this, I'm going to get the $100 book for it. Woot! Yeah, that's fake enthusiasm there.

So MTSU LOST my loan request sheet, and I had to fill it out again, so I don't have my money yet. I've been told it'll be in by the end of the week. If no, heads will roll. And possibly rock.

I've been moving into my new place, and I'm officially out of the old one now. I spent a good deal of yesterday cleaning and whatnot. Now I have lots of shit to unpack. Volunteers are welcome. You will be paid with your choice of Jack Daniel's, Jagermeister or Buttershots.

I have my own place now, and it's nice but kind of surreal. I'll go in depth with this later. It's been christened, too. I know you all think that means I fornicated all over the place, but it was an old-fashioned christening, complete with breaking champagne bottles. OK, I might be lying about that one. I'll try to be better about updating this.

"If I Had A Boat"

MEREDITH'S APARTMENT, TENN: Wow. I've been neglecting my little corner of the Internet for a while, but with good reason: There is no Internet access:( Oh, crap, I used an emoticon - I'm really missing being online.

So here I am, typing away at Meredith's, doing some laundry (everyone loves clean clothes) and trying to think of how I can sum up the last week or so without being so verbose as to scare you all off after a few paragraphs.

First off, for those who were concerned, thank you. My sister gave me a blank check. I'm paying her back this weekend. It's nice to have family.

I've been moving, packing up and whatnot. It's an odd thing, putting yourself into boxes. I've never moved by myself. In the past, I've had friends, boyfriends, and family come around to help, and we've just loaded up the truck and moved everything in one trip. This week, I've been bringing over boxes at a time. It's odd, yet strangely endearing. Does anyone else get that?

Here are a few things I've learned:

1) I have ENTIRELY too many pairs of shoes. They won't even all fit in one box, and these are only the ones I have here. I have many more pairs in Hendersonville.

2) I have a lot of coats, too. In fact, those wouldn't all fit in one box, and, like the shoes, I have many more coats in Hendersonville.

3) Working at Starbucks ensures free access to all the boxes and newspapers I could imagine. At least I'm saving cost on that.

4) Trying to move while working 9 straight days, including overtime, is STUPID.

5) Did I mention I have a lot of shoes and coats?

Wednesday night, Meredith worked for me so I could have some time off. I decided to spend it going out on the houseboat with Travis (not T-Money). I hadn't seen him in a long time (I'd ballpark it at two years).

We just hung out, did some catfish fishing, and got really hungry, eating a pint of ice cream and 80 cookies. It was a blast.

I just found out that my summer books will cost around $400, and the one I need on Monday is $100. So maybe I won't be paying my sister in full just yet.

My savings account now sits at $11 and some change. Don't you wish YOU had $11 in savings? Hell, that's about 4 gallons of gas. Woot!

On the agenda for the rest of the day:

1) Finish packing, even if it kills me.

2) Balance checkbook. Cry over how poor I am. Smile when I remember I'm getting a bonus at work, and I'm up for a raise in July.

3) Finish laundry.

4) Move as much as I can to my new place so that tomorrow I'm just moving furniture and unpacking.

5) Track down Cox to give him my spare key.

6) Do some Pilates. My arms are not as impressive as they were last week.

7) Eat. Really, I should.

I promise I'll be better about this in the future. The 24-hour lab on campus reopens Monday. Until then, stay classy.

I Hope Someone I Know Is Reading This

Ideally, my sister. See, of all the people I know, she's the most financially stable. So here is my open plea, to all who will listen, as I type in the business lab on campus from a computer that has keys that stick. It's impossible to type fast on this damned thing.

Dear Loved One,

Do you remember a time when I was working two jobs and taking a full load of classes? Of course you do - I only stopped the second job this semester. When I mentioned wanting to only work one job, I was told that I'd be helped out financially if I needed it.

Factoring in my incredible ego and pride, you must no doubt assume that I would never ask for money unless I truly needed it. Haven't I been financially independent for years now? Haven't I proved that I'm a responsible adult here?

I'm working overtime this week, so I've got money, I just don't HAVE it yet. I need it by this Friday, and I won't have it until next Friday. I'm not even asking for money here, just a loan. A week advance, if you will. Just a couple hundred to ensure my two rent checks this month don't bounce. Really, is that asking so much?

You'll be happy to know I don't waste my money on things like food and water. I live on Pop-Tarts, which are tasty and cheap. I drink whatever I can get free from work. I do Pilates to ensure my unhealthy diet doesn't fuck up my abs. I make ends meet.

I haven't refilled my migraine prescription in a few weeks. I haven't refilled my allergy prescription in a few months. I cancelled all four of my mental health appointments last week because I can't pay for them, including two with the psychiatrist, because, let's not kid ourselves: I can't afford the happy pills they want to give me.

Am I completely broke? Kind of. You see, I do have money coming in in the forseeable future. I'll have a nice paycheck next week, and once my financial aid comes in, I'll be able to replenish my savings account and maybe make a sizable dent in that damn credit card bill that keeps getting higher and higher every month. I'll also get some of my deposit money back from my current house.

But, until then, I'm broke. I'm more than broke - I'm completely shattered. And I haven't even factored in the medical bills that keep coming to my parents' house, because, clearly, they're not getting paid. Seriously, though, what are they going to do, repo my uterus? I don't have any assets. Thank God nothing is in my name.

~Wendy

Yes, despite my better judgement, I'll wake up tomorrow, call my dad and sister, and hope to get that loan. I'm more likely to ask my sister, because I know she has it to spare.