Exhausted. Send Prayers.

My grandmother had a heart attack Saturday night. My mom called me while I was driving in from Maryville. I spent four hours at the hospital that night, then spent another three tonight. I've got to be back around 5:30 in the morning before her surgery. She had surgery Saturday night, and she's having a quint bypass tomorrow morning. She has five difficult blockages. She looks OK, but she's scared, as are the rest of us.

Currently Feeling: Worried, Scared

"Back Where I Come From"

MARYVILLE, TN: Here I am, in the tiny town I lived in from birth until age 8. When I lived here, it was a dry town. Weird. And the mentality of the people is still somewhat reminiscent of that - we had some great moonshine last night!

My dad and Laura (his girlfriend) were there, and it was kind of weird seeing them all couple-like. I guess it's to be expected. But that isn't the weirdest thing by any means. Laura has some grandkids, and it's just strange to me to see my dad interacting like that. He's not supposed to experience that with kids that aren't mine or Misty's.

I haven't been feeling great lately, and it kind of worries me. I also STILL haven't gotten my deposit back from the apartment I moved out of in June. Bastards. I need my damn money. I've got a speeding ticket to pay. I also haven't heard back from my doc about my test results with all the precancerous bullshit, and I'm not worried about it, but I'd still rather know.

Spending time in Maryville has helped with the loneliness. Tomorrow I'm going to the Titans game. WOOT!

Ten Feet off the Ground

Update: Stealing Internet is hard when you don't have your Windows admin password. Thankfully, it isn't impossible. I'm at my sister's right now. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and then I'm looking for shoes. I might not find the shoes I want, but I've found that I tend to spend my off days shoe shopping. What is wrong with me? I've got two full shoe racks and I've bought about 7 pairs of shoes since I moved to Chattanooga.

I have done some amazing things lately: I have successfully done a handstand push-up, against a wall for balance but not weight support (only my toes were on the wall). I have also lost an inch in my waist, and it somehow magically resurfaced in my chest. SCORE! I've also started working out more regularly. Good for me. I'm glad I'm finally getting off my lazy ass. It sure took a while.

Chattanooga update: I'm still lonely, and at least once a week I wonder what the hell I did. I doubt my abilities a lot, and I often find myself wondering how I'm not constantly fucking everything up. I'm also still far too introspective. Sigh. That part of me might never go away.

I think this has a lot to do with turning 25 in three months. I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not even close. I need therapy. I don't have time for it, but I need it. I met my dad's girlfriend a few days ago. Did I mention I need therapy?

On the plus side, my body's finally not in embarrassing shape. I wore my skinny jeans last week (Abercrombie kids size 12)! I plan to celebrate with new blonde hair and some sweet metallic strappy sandals.

The song of the day, "Apologize." Sometimes it is too late. I think this might be one of those times.

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah yeah

I loved you with the fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late whoa.....

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off...