Thursday, August 26, 2004

Tonight: Partly Cloudy, Tomorrow: Republicans

In less than 12 hours, I will be on a nonstop flight to New York City. This is quite exciting - I haven't had a vacation in far too long. And what's better than jetting off to the land of tall buildings, fast cabs and overpriced, well, everything? Not much.

However, while I'm basking in the joys of my vacation, New York will be invaded by...Republicans!

Yes, it just so happens that the lovely congregating of these people - the Republican National Convention - will be getting underway while I'm galavanting around the big city. Naturally, I've prepared accordingly.

I'm fully equipped with the First Amendment. In true liberal fashion, this is my defense to everything. It's like verbal pepper spray, and it works wonders on conservatives:
"You can't say that!"
"Actually, I'm protected by the First Amendment."
"What? Ahhh! The only amendment that matters is the second - guns, guns, guns!"

I'm also toting my razor-sharp wit. This will come in handy when they bring out the Botox jokes. I'll just unleash a stream of witticisms and watch in awe as they marvel at my quick yet cunning retorts. If only I had a Clinton T-shirt. Then I'd really be ready to hit the Big Apple.

At any rate, I'm very excited about my trip. I've never flown alone before, and what better time to try that out than straight into LaGuardia in the midst of a political bruhaha.

I've also never chased a shoplifter until tonight, but there's a first time for everything. He was scared of me, too. "Oh shit, the little girl's gonna kill me!"

A special shout-out to Erica - happy birthday! Try not to get so drunk that you don't remember it, because someone will, and you don't want the stories to be too embarassing.

And for anyone wondering, I'm obviously still on my streak of good days and nights or I would've blogged sooner. Yes, it is still good to be me.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

My Windshield Says I Have Squirrelly Wrath

I had the greatest block of hours I've had in a long time last night. One of the many reasons was an impulse-buying extravaganza at Wal-Mart. Where else can you get candy bars, cookies, caldendars (which, the Tina, I might have left on your table in your living room), shirts, and oil for Mannix? Life just doesn't get much better than that. After having way too much fun with the window chalk on every car belonging to someone we knew within walking distance, we retreated to watch The Exorcist, which I had never seen before. The other hours of my night and morning were great also. So great, in fact, that I'm not even going to blog about them. Sometimes it's good to be me.

Oh, and to my Meggers: I love you! I'm thinking about you all the time - so much, in fact, that I could become obsessive. You should feel special - I'm only obsessive about people who are as great as I am. OK, all kidding aside, I hope that you feel as good as humanly possible. Meggers' Keggers!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Abso-fucking-lutely Cathartic

After reading Joey's blog, I've decided to make a few lists of my own. Enjoy.

Things I'm Tired of Being Asked
  • "Do you work here?" No. I like to dress up in Blockbuster attire and walk around to confuse the customers. You know, once, while in Kroger (in Blockbuster attire), I got asked this same question. I've also been mistaken for a Wal-Mart employee. I don't even own a blue vest.
  • "Did it (getting your tattoo) hurt?" No. It felt great. I love having needles in me for an hour and half. It's like acupuncture, only instead of healing you, you get a permanent mark on you. Neat.
  • "Is The Passion of the Christ out yet?" "When is it coming out?" "Can I reserve a copy to rent now?" Ahh! I have been asked this at least thrice a day since May, and that's being optimistic. April is more like it. August 31. Mark your freakin' Palm Pilot so you'll remember that date. August 31. Thankfully, I will not be working that day. I will be getting the color on my tattoo. Oh, and to avoid future questions: Yes, that will hurt, too.

Celebrities I Would Date If I Were Famous

  • Johnny Depp in Chocolat
  • Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings
  • Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean
  • Orlando Bloom in Troy (I haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure he's hot in that, too)
  • Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean ("Why is the rum gone?" That's my kind of man)
  • Johnny Depp in What's Eating Gilbert Grape (OK, I lied. I'd marry him in that one)
  • Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge
  • Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge (Come on, who wouldn't?)
  • Ewan McGregor in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
  • Hayden Christensen in Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
  • James Marsters in Buffy seasons 2, 5, 6, and 7
  • Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall

Words I Say Too Often

  • Random
  • Tragic
  • Dramatic
  • Traumatic
  • Tattoo
  • Fuck
  • Evil
  • Buddha
  • Tranquil

Words I'd Like to Work into Every Conversation

  • Cathartic
  • Kinesthetic
  • Abso-fucking-lutely
  • Auspicious
  • Hedonist
  • Love (Aww, I do have a soft side)

Places I'd Like to be Right Now

  • New York City
  • Deacon Brodie's, my favorite NYC bar
  • The Tina's
  • Greece (I've never been, but I think I'd like it)
  • Wherever Johnny Depp is right now
  • Wherever Orlando Bloom is right now (This becomes #1 on the list if he and Johnny are in the same place)
  • Bed
  • Disney World
  • Some beach far away from the hurricane
  • A hot tub or in a bubble bath (damn the new tattoo)

That's all for now.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

High Like a Twelve-year-old

I've been on boy high since Saturday, and I haven't come down yet. It's great. I forgot how great that was. You know, being wrapped up in my man-hating, I forgot how much fun it is to have a crush on someone. It makes me feel like a twelve-year-old again, only now I've got breasts and a tattoo.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Falling in Love is Hard on the Knees, Falling out of Love is Dramatic

I've had an interesting few days, and that's putting it mildly.

First off, I'm living a day ahead of everyone else. For some reason, I keep thinking it's a day later than what it really is. I'm living in the future. That's because I'm much more advanced than most people.

I had a great two days off from work, and by great I mean I spent most of them with the Tina and other such great people I don't get to see on a regular basis. I didn't stick around Hendersonville on my days off - I actually went to Murfreesboro. I had much fun. Looking forward to more fun.

Then, last night and tonight, I've been doing something I never thought I'd do - fall out of love. And, in all honesty, it's not as difficult or traumatic as I had expected. It was a quick fall. Now, if I were clever, I'd make some kind of reference to Paradise Lost, but I'm not really in a literary mood.

Right now I'm enjoying a snack of peanut butter (there's not much to eat here). My mouth is sticky, but it's delicious. Satisfies my constant need to add even more protein to my diet.

Speaking of satisfying needs, there's nothing like playing a murdering lunatic in an XBOX game to help blow off some steam, which now I can do thanks to Clarke and his generous donation to my goal to be evil (at least, in an rpg). Clarke has allowed me to borrow his XBOX and my favorite game so I can kill all kinds of things. Thanks, Clarke. You're a pal.

I finally bought my Buddha incense burner, so now I can ignite things in peace. It should be big fun.

So this falling out of love thing - I'll explain this later. Right now, suffice it to say that I've been spending a great deal of time talking to someone, and this someone has brought to light some rather interesting things. This is of course only a segue into what is sure to be even more drama because nothing in life is simple, which I guess is why it's interesting. At any rate, I used to have this image of someone, and now I see that I was terribly wrong. And that's devastating, and not just because I don't like being wrong.

You think you know a person. I guess no one every really knows anyone. But I know me pretty well, and I'm through crying. I've cried way too much, and I don't like it, and I'm through with it. I've gone from hurt to sad to confused to destroyed to hopeful to destroyed to angry to confused again all in about a week, and frankly, I'm emotioned out.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

I Cried at Six Flags Over Jesus

Kari got married, and it was beautiful. The church she had it at is this massively large new Methodist church in Murfreesboro. The church is so big, in fact, that some of my friends have dubbed it "Six Flags Over Jesus."

So when the time came for my Lil Sis Kari to walk down the aisle on her wedding day, I cried. It's weird that I cry at weddings, but I do. Partly because she's growing up, getting married, starting a new life and it's something that we all kind of have to let her do on her own. Partly it's because I'm happy for her. And I think partly it's because I'm sad for me. Kari has a kind of happiness that I don't, and while I'd rather see her happy than myself happy, it's still nice to have something to look forward to. I don't have much to look forward to these days.

Let's backtrack a bit to Thursday. Thursday is a day I'd rather forget, but odds are I'm not going to, so we might as well just cut to the chase. Very short story because the details are about as painful as getting a tattoo (which I will get to later) go as follows: Someone I love very much cares not whether I live or die.

Now, love is an extremely intense emotion. Hate is an extremely intense emotion. Indifference might as well be a non-emotion. There are few if any people on this planet I am indifferent to, and it sure as hell isn't anyone I ever loved in any way.

Que sera sera. So come Friday (my first day off in two weeks) I decided that if I was going to go through intense emotional pain, I needed something to show for it. Ergo, my new tattoo. The Tina got one, too. So now I'm permanently scarred - literally. Wasn't that clever? How I tied that together? Yeah, I amaze myself somethings, but enough of the biting sarcasm.

Friday night turned into a lovely episode of some show I'd call "A Girl, a Guy, and a Jeremy" if I were pitching it to a network television executive. First we have the Tina. Second is Clarke. Third is Jeremy. Now, watching these three in a room (and that happens quite often being as though they live together) is more entertaining than any reality television show they've got.

And lest I piss anyone off to the point of no return, this next part is, you know, supposed to be FUNNY. Not real. Funny, with slices of reality mixed in.

Jeremy is this strong guy with some nice tattoos and some nice muscles. The funniest thing about him is that he's currently involved in some penis rediscovery that makes everything he does incredibly funny, and if it isn't incredibly funny, Clarke makes an incredibly funny comment about it.

Clarke has some muscles, too. And a tattoo. So you've got two tattooed strong guys in a house, so you're naturally going to have some fun interaction. Clarke, by the way, is not rediscovering his penis and is mainly concerned with never discovering Jeremy's. This alone is a sitcom.

Enter the Tina, the token girl with the token cat. Also the token smoker. So what each episode about is basically it's almost bedtime, but everyone is restless. Hilarity ensues.

Episode One: The Gigantic Chickens
Episode Two: Can I Break It, Fuck It, or Eat It?

But enough of that - you guys know I only do this because I love you and I think you're all very funny.

To Kari and Matt: I love you guys. Enjoy marital bliss. Have some for me!

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Something Old, Something New, Something's Really Really Screwed

Kari's wedding is Saturday, and while I'm very excited for her, I can't help but be reminded of how much I hate this whole wedding concept. Kari: Not your wedding. I'm very excited about your wedding. I'm referring to those family members who keep insisting I get married and soon before their kids are too old to be in my wedding.

Here are just a few reasons why I do not wish to get married:

1) I hate all men. It's true. My last whatever it was screwed me up so bad that I am absolutely never dating again. So all you men out there who want to marry me, tough. You can take it up with him. Use lots of profane words. Frankly, I'm tired of the heartache. Seven used to be my lucky number. Not so much. He was the seventh guy I ever dated or what-have-you. So I'm through. Now I pass my days loving someone who doesn't love me. It's exhausting.

2) I don't need to validate myself through a man. Especially because I do not hold men in general in very high regard, so why do I need one? I don't. I'm perfecting capable of spending enternity working, spending money on expensive cars, and watching movies all night.

3) If you get married, then you get harassed about when you're having kids. I don't have the hips for kids. I think I'll forgo that kid thing and just stay single and bitter. And no use adopting: A single and bitter woman shouldn't raise children.

4) While a wedding sounds like tons of fun, paying for one does not. I don't want to spend several thousand dollars on something I can do in Vegas with Elvis. And while you do get presents, I bet a lot of them suck.

5) As I eluded to before. I've already found someone. He doesn't want me. You know, because he's a man and therefore evil. Did I mention I'm undatable? Apparently I am, so spread the word. At any rate, when you find someone, there is no one else. Oh well. I tried.

So Kari, congratulations! I know you and Matt will be very happy. As for me, I'm taking the solo road. By the way, when are you having kids? Mwahahahaha!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Narcissism and Nerds Rope

I'm baking chicken right now, and I need to kill the time between when I put it in the oven and when I take it out and gorge myself as though I haven't eaten in days. It's really only been about five hours, but that's way too long for me.

Work was interesting to say the least. To make a long story short: We caught an employee stealing. Said employee is now a former employee, and I'm still working too much. You know, just in case you were wondering.

While reading my blog (because I'm an incredible narcissist), I noticed that my Monday plans included something to the effect of work not calling me unless someone was dead or on fire. Well, they called. But no one died or got ignited. Too bad, too. That would've been incentive to drive faster since I was coming from Murfreesboro.

After work, I hit the showers and then the hot tub with Leslie, Thomas, Trevor and Trevor's cousin. I think he name was Eric, but we only met briefly and frankly I don't really remember and won't lose any sleep over it. Trevor's cousin will be a suffice description.

The president of the company sent me a thank you card and $10 in gift cards because of some customer compliment I got. That's pretty swell. I spend so much freakin' money buying Coke and Nerds Rope that $10 will be pretty nice.

Now, let's get into this Nerds Rope thing. This is by far the BEST candy I have ever had, and that's saying a lot coming from a chocolate fiend such as myself. I mean, I'm so addicted to caffeine that I get figity if I DON'T have it. Likewise, I love my chocolate.

But Nerds Rope. That's some good stuff. It's this gummy red rope thing (think stretched-out gummy bear) covered in Nerds. Oh it's truly fantastic. In fact, it's so fantastic that we don't have any. Why you ask? Well, I ate them all. Most of them anyway. I didn't eat the last one, but I did eat the second-to-last one. Then, on my way to work Tuesday, I bought two from the Hendersonville store because frankly I can't imagine a whole shift without Nerds Rope. They were scrumptious.

We have more on order. Why you ask? I ordered them. I love doing the candy order. It means I can get whatever I think will sell, but it also means I can stock up on all the things I like to snack on while I'm slaving away for a mere hourly wage that sweatshop workers in China would complain about.

However, times when you can catch an employee stealing or get recognized by the head of the company make you feel better about all the work you're doing. Now, I'm not condoning employee theft just because I get a rush from catching people. In fact, I'd rather feel underpaid and have an honest staff. Having said that, if someone's going to get caught, I like having a hand in the catching. It makes me feel I'm doing something right. Other than eating Nerds Rope.

I was in the room for the whole ordeal, and I must say my manager really impressed me. She handled the situation well. So Debbie, if you ever read this, you're a good worker, too. Have a Nerds Rope in celebration.

OK, so let's recap the day: I'm great, Debbie's great, hot tubs are great, Nerd's Rope is great, employee theft sucks. Oh, and as always, Joey's great.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

More proof they're coming to take me away, ha ha

I broke my worry stone.

I didn't even think that was possible, but sure enough, I worried about a fourth of it off.

I bet it has something to do with working every single day this week. That's right - I have worked or am working on both of my off days this week: Monday and Wednesday. Total number of hours if I don't go over my scheduled time each day: 54.5.

I spent a great deal of last night lying in bed with incense and candles reading Chuang Tzu. It was quite relaxing. Tonight after work, Leslie and I took a late-night trip to Steak 'n' Shake before embarking on the wonderful world of Wal-Mart in search of more incense and other such things we think we needed. Alas, Wal-Mart had no incense, but we did manage to spend a collective $90 or so on non-incense.

Debbie (my boss) has agreed to order Cherry Coke. This is quite exciting, because I'm sick of regular Coke and Dr. Pepper every day. Dusty, Susan and I have committed to buying Cherry Coke on our shifts.

I've decided I want a long-distance relationship right now. Mainly for two reasons: 1) I don't want to have to call myself single; 2) Absence makes the heart grow less annoyed at all the day-to-day crap that's hard to deal with after a few weeks of non-stop contact. I'd like for someone to call me once a week and have a conversation that goes something like "Hi. I love you. I miss you." "Good. Keep missing me. You're good at it."

Now, I must say that I rarely get tired of people, and this last statement has nothing to do with my last "or something" but rather about men in general. My last "or something" was fan-fucking-tastic, which of course meant it had to end because the powers that be wish me to be miserable and unhappy. Attention whoever is in charge: It's working.

Having said that, here's a special want ad I've composed which I will never print anywhere because I'm not that lonely...yet.

"Single female seeking male companion to do whatever I want and constantly reassure me that I'm the greatest of God's creations and the world itself would stop revolving if I weren't in it. Must be willing to listen to incessant bitching for no apparent reason, and must be able to notice even the slightest change in hairstyle or bodily appearance. Should drive a vehicle that costs more than the average person's salary. Must not freak out at hearing phrases such as 'My uterus hurts' during that time of the month. Speaking of that time, anything said during that time is automatically pardoned due to temporary insanity, and anything said at any other point in our blissful relationship is fair game to be brought up during an argument held during that time, which I will inevitably win. Preferably hot. Ideally, out of my league. IQs less than 130 need not apply."

I mean, if I'm going to be delusional and think there are decent men out there just waiting for me, I'm at least going to go all-out delusional; none of this realistic "it could actually happen" shit.

By the way, whoever came up with the asinine notion of adding an apostrophe to the plural forms of words like DVDs and IQs (DVD's, IQ's) and decades (1980's) should really be tarred, feathered and run out of town. Apostrophes show ownership.

Correct: An apostrophe's purpose is to show ownership. I use apostrophes only when necessary.
Blasphemous to the English language: In the 1990's, I bought some DVD's because they were on sale. They were laid out on special table's of the for-sale item's. I filled three shopping cart's full of electronic's. I then punched myself in the face for being such an idiot.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Spiritual guidance for $1.99

On my day off (which turned into the day I had to work, but I'll get to that later), I decided to spend some quality time with the Tina. The Tina is my sorority lil sis, and we have much fun together. On this excursion, we enjoyed some delicious Demos' and then did some shopping at the ever-happening Murfreesboro square. So began my quest for the Buddha.

Let's backtrack a bit. Last semester I took Oriental Thought, a lovely class centered on Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism (my personal favorite) and the like. Just for kicks, I took one of those Internet quizzes on religion (of course, these quizzes never lie). Good news! I'm a Buddhist! Last year I was a Quaker. I must say I've gotten much cooler. Another Internet quiz says my heart chakra is the most closed of all my chakras. That explains the entry from a few days ago "Why I will never marry a woman or why I hate all men."

Back to the Buddha. I must note that I find it impossible to completely separate religion and philosophy, and I've also noticed that my philosophy tends to be very Eastern. Hence the Buddhism. But I'm really more of a Taoist.

At any rate, browsing through the candles, stones and other such goodies, I decided to go on a quest for a Buddha. They had several. I got a small one for $1.99. Now, I would've been willing to splurge more, of course, but I was shopping with the Tina, so I got her belated birthday present. It's this really cool windchime.

We also went to Icon to inquire about our tattoos, and we've decided to get them on our backs. It's going to hurt like a bitch I know, and I'm sure I'll cry like a baby, but when I blog it I'll of course be brave and not shed a tear.

I bought some candles and a really pretty worry stone that's supposed to help with logical thinking and math and whatnot. I'm now going to light said candles, burn some incense and relax after a long day.

Oh, and Joey is still cool.

Monday, August 02, 2004

T minus 9,000 hours to BMW

I've determined that I'm mere years from graduation, so I'd best start planning my post-graduation vehicle. Now, I've oft said that the next car I buy will be my BMW. I wasn't kidding. I will drive Mannix around until he falls apart, and then I will purchase my lovely BMW Z4 Roadster for the bargain price of $55,249 (yes, I built it online).

Now, I know that sounds pricey, but I've done the math. At my current pathetic hourly wage, I'll only have to work a mere 8,769.6825 hours. Alright kids, get out your calculators and figure out what I make an hour. See, math is fun and easy!

I figure once I throw in taxes and outrageous insurance premiums (I'm counting on a discount because that will be my line of work), I can just round it up to 9,000 hours. However, my upcoming promotion will shrink those hours, so I'll keep you posted on the BMW progress.

In other news, I'm off tomorrow! I plan to go to the Boro, pay some bills, do lunch with the Tina (yes, the article is necessary), then paint my apartment. Beware: If you work with me, calling me would be a bad idea. You know, unless you're dead or on fire. But if that's the case, you know, stop drop and roll. And quit calling from the nether realm. It's quite annoying.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Why I will never marry a woman or why I hate all men

I've booked my plane ticket to NYC, so all is right in the world. I can't afford to drink in New York, but I won't let a little thing like that get in the way. When I take my vacation, pity be on those who interrupt my galavanting around Manhattan drunk at 3 in the morning, staring at the lights in Times Square and oohing and ahhing and overusing the word "pretty."

Cadence is quite sick, so I went over to his house Friday night. Joe and his girlfriend Heidi were there as well, and it all got more than weird when Joe's crazy ex-wife Laura made her cameo banging on the door. Cadence, in what I'm sure was a good intention gone horribly awry, had the bright idea to try to hide Heidi from Laura. Now, a normal way to hide someone is something to the effect of "go hide in Joe's room" or "hide under this blanket." Instead, the way of hiding was "come sit with me and if she says anything to you, say 'I'm with Cadence.'"

Well, seeing a young attractive thing sitting on the arm of his chair with his arm kind of around her was more than I was prepared to stomach, so I said something like "I think I need to leave." Naturally, nobody noticed this "I'm about to make an abrupt exit" warning, so said exit came across very abrupt. Everyone was whispering, I guess because nobody wanted anyone else to hear what they were saying, so I think he whispered my name as I was leaving. But I didn't fancy getting into it in front of Heidi (whom I had just met), and I sure as hell wasn't going to stick around for the shit hitting the fan that always tends to follow Laura on her many rampages to the house.

I managed to get my car out of the garage (I'm freakishly strong I've been told), then I sat in it, listened to depressing music, and did that sort of loud crying that you think only happens in overdramatic movies (think Diane Keaton in "Something's Gotta Give"). I then impulsively drove to the gas station, filled up my tank, and came back after I noticed Laura was not around.

I sat in my car staring at my knife for a while, then re-entered the house, mainly because I didn't want to freak out Heidi, and because I'd rather feel out of place there than at home somewhere else.

I did a lot of staring into space and/or at my knife for the rest of the evening until I fell asleep around 3:30 or so. Cadence never woke me up, so I slept until work woke me up around 1 p.m., because it's obviously not in God's plan for me to get a night of uninterrupted sleep.