Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I WANT YOUR COX! (to Stay in Murfreesboro)

GHETTO CENTRAL(Tenn) - So I was all ready to watch the finale of Survivor All Stars when Cox called and said it to come over because it's his last night in town. Well, I couldn't say no to that, so here I am, blogging from Cox's new laptop. Neat.

We realized we didn't have enough OJ for the ol' rum and orange juice combo, so we convinced Matt to drive us to Kroger. We walked back, and I'm happy to report no one was attacked on the way home.

These people have never heard the "Drug Ballad" from Eminem. I find this very upsetting. Oh, these people include: Matt, Nick no last name, Cox, the Chad, Kristin, and Jimmy. And yours truly.

At Kroger, Cox said he moved into his current apartment in August 2001. He then did a radio voice thing that went a little something like this:

COX: "In August 2001, JR Lind went to MTSU."
ME: "And Wendy had just graduated high school and was living in Atlanta."
COX: "And hating it."
ME: "Yes, it was terrible. And Graffis was...around."

OK, so that was lame, but it was funny if you got to hear the radio voice versions.

We got all this burriot-making shit, only to get back to realize that, sadly, the plug to the electric skillet had already been packed and moved to wherever the Chad will be residing. He's gone to get it.

In the meantime, I'm going to snack on my cookie dough. Mmmm.

I'm hearing some wrestling mumbo-jumbo in the background. I used to be into wrestling, but not so much anymore. Kristin is into it enough for the both of us.

Nick no last name might be moving to Dyersburg, the Land of Plenty.

Cox is moving to New Deal, Tenn., an unincorporated town wannabe. Sounds like a happenin' place. He'll be living on Dink Rut Road. I swear, I couldn't make this shit up.

Song of the day: In honor of Cox, your final farewell: FREE BIRD!!

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
There's too many places I haven't seen
And if I stayed here with you, now
Things just wouldn't be the same
Well I'm as free as a bird now,
And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change.
And a bird you can not change.
Lord knows I can't change

Bye, bye, its been a sweet love.
And though this feeling I can't change.
Please don't take it badly,
The Lord knows I'm to blame.
And, if I stayed here with you now
Things just wouldn't be the same.
For I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And the bird you can not change.
And the bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord, I can't change.
Won't you fly high free bird.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Perhaps A Salad from Krystal Will Delay The Impending Stroke

What the hell has gotten into me?

After cleaning (more like scrubbing) the kitchen and it's neverending mound of dishes, I started working on my room. Granted, because the room stuff involves unpacking, it actually looks messier, but the things you can't see are in perfect order. Yay!

Things I didn't come across while unpacking: Box of condoms. Weirdness. I'm sure I packed them in some secure place "so I won't forget" and, well, I forgot. It's a good thing I'm not getting laid at every available opportunity. I'd have to buy another box, and as I've said before, I have to have sex on a budget. I'm not made of money...or condoms.

I watched two discs of Survivor All Stars tonight. I'm that lame.

I'm trying to arrange a time with Adam for him to get some of his stuff that I have. That's awkward at best. Sometimes you're just ready for things to be over, and then they just won't be over. It's quite frustrating. It's like I've finally reached this point a while ago when I realized that Adam doesn't want to be with me, and then I have these things that are his, and it's all very annoying. I wish I could teleport things. That'd be neat.

"Beam this shit outta here, Scotty!" Yeah, I've never even seen Star Trek.

I got eaten alive at the concert, and now I have all these bug bites that keep popping up. It's very strange, and I itch like, I dunno, something really itchy. Chicken pox maybe. It's been 19 years or so since I had them, but from what I recall, they're itchy sons of bitches.

So my left arm went numb today. I'm not sure why. Hopefully I'm not about to have a stroke or anything. Kind of makes me wish my neurologist appointment was this week instead of next week.

Leslie's getting married, and quite possibly in two weeks. I'm sure endless joy awaits this trek to Athens, GA, that I'll eventually have to make. I can't wait! I'm still immune to the wedding syndrome that's taken my generation by storm.

The more days the pass, the more I realize how absolutely pointless it is to try to plan my life. There are so many contributing factors that are far beyond my control that I don't know why I worry so much.

I've always been that way - a worrier. And it makes no sense, because I don't believe in coincidences. I think everything happens for a reason. I can't always see the reason, but I still believe there is one.

Right now I'm dealing with a harsh reality, and I usually don't get so personal on my blog, but I'm feeling pensive, and I can't sleep. So here goes: I always thought I'd only have sex with one guy ever. You know, in my delusional false reality, that's how it works out. But it's not really that way, and it's not that I want to be back with Adam now because that was clearly bad for me, but it's hard to swallow sometimes. It's like I miss how I used to be before - I'm definitely a different person now, and I can't undo anything I've done. I just don't see the great lesson this is supposed to teach me, other than the cliche "sex is bad" thing, but this isn't Puritan colonial world anymore, and this sure as fuck isn't Kansas.

Anyway, at the risk of slipping into a funk, I'm going to list a few things that I like. Who doesn't like lists?

* I like beind held when I sleep and when I wake up.
* I like the way my stomach looks in the morning.
* I like to dance.
* I like to drive, especially when I'm not really going anywhere.
* I like the way warm water feels on my muscles.
* I like the accomplished feeling I get when I do something well.
* I like having fun.
* I like spending time with myself, even if my thoughts do drive me crazy sometimes.
* I like making quasi-sentimental lists on my blog.

OK, I've been as insightful as I'd like to be for one night. Time to break out the sarcasm so I don't come across as a sap.

Why the fuck does Krystal have salads? No one ever thinks: "Gee, I'm really drunk. Let's go to Krysal and get some salads!"

"Dude, cool! Who can drive?"

Are these people kidding me? Can we please stop being so health conscious and just let the unhealthy ones die off and stop procreating? Is that too much to ask? Whatever happened to survival of the fittest?

I know I don't eat healthy foods. I'm fully aware that I'm pumping all kinds of bad things into my body, and I'm fairly certain I'll have serious health complications - if not death - from it. But I'm OK with that. I don't go to a fast food restaurant craving hearty vegetables.

In fact, I don't go anywhere craving hearty vegetables. My hearty vegetables are loaded with bacon and don't even taste like vegetables. Again, a health risk I'm assuming on my own free will.

I'd rather have a heart attack at 40 than live an extra 20 years on salad alone. I need my red meat! I need my pork! I need chicken smothered in homemade barbecue sauce.

Song of the day: "Helicopters" by Barenaked Ladies. Neither naked nor ladies.

This is where the helicopters came to take me away
This is where the children used to play

This is only half a mile away from the attack
This is where my life changed in a day
And then it changed back
Buried in the din of rotor noise and close explosions
I do my best to synthesize the sounds and my emotions
This is where the allies bombed the school,
They say by mistake
Here nobody takes me for a fool, just for a fake
Later at the hotel bar, the journalists are waiting
I hurry back to my guitar while they're commiserating

And I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon

Just as soon as we were on the ground
We were back in the jet
Just another three day foreign tour we'd never forget
It's hard to sympathize with all this devastation
Hopping 'round from site to site like tourists on vacation

And I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon

I can't help anyone cause everyone's so cold
Everyone's so skeptical of everything they're told
And even I get sick of needing to be sold

Though it's only half a month away, the media's gone
An entertaining scandal broke today, but I can't move on
I'm haunted by a story and I do my best to tell it
Can't even give this stuff away, why would I sell it?
Everybody's laughing, while at me they point a finger
A world that loves its irony must hate the protest singer

So I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon
I'll be leaving soon

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Free Bird!

Friday night was the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, and despite how short it was, I had a damn good time because I was drunk for quite a bit of it. Alcohol makes everything better!

I spent the last day at home with my parents, sitting on the porch, drinking beer, relaxing. Yes, my friends, I've started drinking beer. Mainly because I'm too poor to keep drinking liquor. Even though I still prefer straight up whiskey to almost anything, except maybe Malibu and Coke. Or Wendy's Cherry, the drink I invented at O'Charley's.

While at home, I got into the embarassing habit of really enjoying Survivor All Stars on DVD. Wow. I'm sucked into the Amber-Rob thing. Don't tell my friends - they'll think I'm no longer cool.

I got back to Murfreesboro tonight, and I cleaned the kitchen! Wow! Won't the Tina be surprised. I'm about to tackle my bedroom, I think, but I need to watch some more Rob/Amber. God I'm lame.

Song of the day: "Last Mango in Paris" by Jimmy Buffett - just because I like it.

And to my loyal readers, I'm sorry this blog lacks the sharp wit and dry humor that you're used to. I'll be better next time.

To anyone who sees me in the not-too-distant future, make something cool happen so I can blog about it!

Nota bene: The Web site that provided these lyrics also claims the background vocals are done by Timothy B. Schmidt. If you don't know who that is, let me clue you in: He's the long-haired Eagle with the high voice who sings "I Can't Tell You Why" and "Love Will Keep Us Alive." Oh, and apparently, he lives in Hendersonville, because my dad has seen him a few times. I wanna meet the Eagle!

I went down to captain tony’s
To get out of the heat
Then I heard a voice call out to me
Son come have a seat
I had to search my memory
As I looked into those eyes
Our lives change like the weather
But a legend never dies

He said I ate the last mango in paris
Took the last plane out of saigon
Took the first fast boat to china
And jimmy there’s still so much to be done

I had a third world girl in buzios
With a pistol in each hand
She always kept me covered
As we moved from land to land

I had a damn good run on wall street
With my high fashion model wife
I woke up dry beneath the african sky
Just me and my swiss army knife

I ate the last mango in paris
Took the last plane out of saigon
Took the first fast boat to china
And jimmy there’s still so much to be done

We shot the breeze for hours
As the sun fell from the sky
And like the sun he disappeared
Before my very eyes

It was somewhere past dark-thirty
And I went back to the head
I read upon the dingy wall
The words the old man said:

I ate the last mango in paris
Took the last plane out of saigon
Took the first fast boat to china
And jimmy there’s still so much to be done

I ate the last mango in paris
Took the last plane out of saigon
Took the first fast boat to china
And jimmy there’s still so much to be done

That’s why we wander and follow la vie dansante

Friday, May 27, 2005

Congratulations on Your Deflowering

The past 24 hours have been incredibly interesting, disrupting the normal ho-hum flow of my daily life.

Last night, Robert got back, so I went to his place for some good quality drinking time, and some Dead Like Me, which I vaguely remember at best. The only thing that really stood out was George saying something about watching homeless men rape her body. Yeah, digest that with a little too much Seagram's 7 and try to sleep at night.

At some point I fell asleep, but this didn't last. Matt called (I admit it - I screened the first time). Here's how I found out about the corruption (paraphrased, but quite accurately):

Matt: Memphis is burning!
Me: Fuck!
Matt: Well, not really, but a lot of legislators got arrested.
Me: Awesome! Can we get the story?
Matt: I'm going to the office to get a tape recorder and a laptop, and then I'm going to the capitol.
Me: Cool!
Matt: They're having a press conference at 11 on News Channel 5.
Me: I'm not where there's cable or good reception.
[translation: I'm at Robert's]

I then gave Robert a brief synopsis of the corruption before falling back asleep. Matt called a few more times; my dad called to wish me a happy Skynyrd Eve (at 10:30 a.m.); Clarke called. No one wanted me to sleep, other than me.

When I finally gave in to all the waking me up, something happened that made my day: I mentioned my Eminem excerpt from the last blog, and Robert actually rapped the better part of the entire song. It was great - I chimed in on occasion.

So the Tennessee legislators are corrupt. Neat. I have to add something here. This is actually on my myspace profile:

And now, a few things I like:
1) When authority figures get caught doing something really bad, like stealing money or fucking their secretaries.

Hahaha! I do love when that happens, for several reasons.

First, I really like the fact that I'm not corrupt. I like the moral high horse it puts me on. I can honestly say that I have never taken bribe money from a fake company as part of some operation Tennessee Waltz. That makes me feel good about being me.

Second, it's highly entertaining. What idiots! This really makes being a journalist fun, because it's that story that can really help you along in your career. Being as though I'm a mathematician, Matt will be writing the story, but I'm here for him to wake me up if need be, and I think that's something. At any rate, being as though he graduates in December, this will be good for Matt. Did I mention it's fun for me, too?

Third, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The system works! Bad guys do get caught. Usually these public figures get away with everything (ahem - McPhee), but this Ford guy is so fucked, and he's not even in "federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison" yet!

OK, enough gloating about how I'm not a corrupt politician.

At work I had entirely too much fun working with Greg and Vince. I always have too much fun working with them, but this time, it was WAY too much fun.

Vince came in circa 7:30, and the first thing he noticed (and pointed out) was the handcuff pair of earrings I had on. Well, he just HAD to tell Greg and Michael, and I'm pretty sure I turned red. It was amusing. Then I said something about wanting to work with girls again. But guy shift is so much fun!

Then later I was told I'm a good shift, and that made me feel better about my job, because I never really know how other people view me at work. Aww, shucks, guys - you rock, too!

During our productive evening of work, we discussed the Chantico drink and how it's named for some Aztec fire goddess or something equally bad. That got me thinking about all those sacrifices they did. Aside from cutting out hearts of live people, those crazy Aztecs were all about some virgin sacrifice. Ergo, I have developed this plan for avoiding being a virgin sacrifice:


Some Tribal Fuckhead: Hey, we need to sacrifice a virgin, and we picked you.
Tribal Upstart: What? Fuck no! I'm no virgin! I'd be tainting the sacrifice, and the gods would have their vengence upon you, you mere mortal!
Fuckhead: Prove it.
Upstart: OK. All you have to do is have sex with me. You'll notice that there will be no blood, because my body is impure and not at all virginal.

[Fucking happens here, leading to two possible scenarios]

Scenario 1
Fuckhead: You weren't lying. You weren't a virgin.
Upstart: Damn right. And I think you owe me an apology for wanting to sacrifice me. Tribal Fuckhead.

Scenario 2
Fuckhead: You lied to me! You were a virgin! You did bleed, and you really weren't that good.
Upstart: Yeah, and you're no Don Juan yourself. And you've just deflowered a perfectly good sacrifice. Looks like somebody's getting thrown in the volcano tonight, you ignorant tribal fuckhead.

This is really a fail-safe plan. Either way, no sacrifice!

Sidebar: When I told ERICA about my first time, she actually said: "Congratulations on your deflowering."

I'm so glad my dad doesn't have this Web address.

After getting home from work (which took longer than usual because we had to maneuver through the gargantuan paper order), I decided to check the blogs, but no one has yet tackled this whole political brouhaha.

And now, the age-old debate (or at least the work question of the evening): What's the difference between a nook and a cranny?

Thanks to dictionary.com for helping me settle this one:

nook n.
1. A small corner, alcove, or recess, especially one in a large room.
2. A hidden or secluded spot.

cranny n.
A small opening, as in a wall or rock face; a crevice.

Well, now I can sleep easy. If no one calls.

Song of the day: The only thing that could be more fitting than "Tennessee Waltz" is an angst-ridden, profanity-filled Eminem version. Alas, no such song exists. We'll stick to the original, then.

I was dancin' with my darlin' to the Tennessee Waltz
When an old friend I happened to see
I introduced her to my loved one
And while they were dancin'
My friend stole my sweetheart from me.

I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz
Now I know just how much I have lost
Yes, I lost my little darlin' the night they were playing
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz.

I was dancin' with my darlin' to the Tennessee Waltz
When an old friend I happened to see
I introduced her to my loved one
And while they were dancin'
My friend stole my sweetheart from me.

I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz
Now I know just how much I have lost
Yes, I lost my little darlin' the night they were playing
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz

Thursday, May 26, 2005

PowerBall Python

I didn't win the Powerball tonight. Oh well, at least I tried.

I had a terrible fiasco today when my keys and my mind got lost under Tina's front seat. I was an hour late to work. I frantically called them like three times, so they know I wasn't just flaking out.

Today, the Tina impulse bought some birds. Neat! We now have two parakeets: Buffy and Spike. Very cool.

I found out that I can get my money from school on June 15, so I'll be purchasing my ball python either that day or the next available opportunity.

I ran into Denise and Jennifer last week, and I found out they both have REAL jobs! Denise is "processing bone marrow and stem cells for cancer patients." I feel like such a lame ass. I'm making coffee for people with entirely too much money and too little patience. But we all have our addictions.

I've been keeping up the Pilates, and that makes me feel better about making absolutely no progress on my bedroom. I'll have a body much better equipped for all the work I ought to be doing.

Song of the day is just a good excerpt from Eminem's "Drug Ballad", which is quite possibly my favorite group of words in the English language:
Earth calling, pilot to co-pilot
Looking for life on this planet, sir, no sign of it
All I can see is a bunch of smoke flyin'
And I'm so high that I might die if I go by it
Let me out of this place
I'm outta place
I'm in outer space
I've just vanished without a trace
I'm going to a pretty place now where the flowers grow
I'll be back in an hour or so

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Oh No! I'm It! (Not the Stephen King Version)

Ahh! I've been tagged in this ongoing book blogging extravaganza. Now I have to answer so these people will still think I'm cool. Thanks to Manda for tagging me. She already knows I'm not cool.

1. Total number of books I own:
You're kidding, right? I'm not even going to count. Too many. Way way way too many. I don't have that many at my Murfreesboro house, but my Hendersonville house has books out the ass. Hell, I think I own about 50 just from college. Except for my physical science book my freshman year - I ripped out each page individually to show my discontent for the professor and the bookstore for not buying it back.

2. Last book I bought:
Probably something lame for class. I'm going to say one of my philosophy of mind books, and even though I'm not sure in which order I purchased them, I'm going to go with Descartes' Error.

3. Last book I read:
For class, the aforementioned book I last bought. For pleasure: I'm currently re-reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Catch-22.

4. 5 books that mean a lot to me:
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller - my favorite book ever
GUT Symmetries by Jeanette Winterson - what a brilliant writer: "Beauty and pain are not separate" and "What was once stable, shifts. What I am told is solid, slips. The sensible strong ordinary world of fixity is a folklore. The earth is not flat. Geometry cedes to algebra. The Greeks were wrong."
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant - come on, a raging feminist such as myself wouldn't dream of leaving this off the list
The Hours by Michael Cunningham - wow, this man writes women better than any woman I've read
Confessions of a Failed Southern Lady by Florence King - this will having you laughing out loud, I swear

5. Tag 5 people to take up the meme and answer in their own journals:
Let's just go down the list of links:
Yeah, Cox - that's what you get for slacking on reading my blog. You've been tagged. And I totally won't be offended if no one does this. But I did. Because I'm cooler than you. That is all. Just kidding. There has to be a song today because I neglected to put one yesterday.

"Maggie May" by Rod Stewart - quite possibly one of the best rock songs ever, and this is according to Vince, who would know. He knows tons.

Wake up Maggie I think I got something to say to you
It’s late september and I really should be back at school
I know I keep you amused but I feel I’m being used
Oh Maggie I couldn’t have tried any more
You lured me away from home just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart and that’s what really hurt

The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age
But that don’t worry me none in my eyes you’re everything
I laughed at all of your jokes my love you didn’t need to coax
Oh, Maggie I couldn’t have tried any more
You lured me away from home, just to save you from being alone
You stole my soul and that’s a pain I can do without

All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand
But you turned into a lover and
Mother what a lover, you wore me out
All you did was wreck my bed
And in the morning kick me in the head
Oh Maggie I couldn’t have tried anymore
You lured me away from home ’cause you didn’t want to be alone
You stole my heart I couldn’t leave you if I tried

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school
Or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool
Or find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helpin’ hand
Oh Maggie I wish I’d never seen your face
You made a first-class fool out of me
But I’m as blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway

Maggie I wish I’d never seen your face
I’ll get on back home one of these days

The Indifference Curve - Heavy on the Indifference

I made it through my first production as editor. This is exciting. We finished everything a few hours ago, so I can relax.

I was so tired last night that I went to bed around 9:30 p.m., shortly after I got home. My plans of drinking myself into a stupor went out the window, but I plan on doing that soon enough.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is Friday night - woot!

I discovered today that I'm actually going to turn a profit by taking summer class. This is because of my editor scholarship and my mom's tuition discount. I'm going to make a couple hundred at least. Exciting! This will more than make up for the amount of work I have to miss because I'm in class. Good times.

I'm taking accounting and microeconomics - two things I despise more than almost anything.

Today I finished watching The Empire Strikes Back with commentary. I'll soon take on Return of the Jedi, ideally while I'm doing something productive, like putting my room together. I probably won't be productive, though.

I'm supposed to go to some Greek thing tomorrow, but it's been a week since I've heard anything about it, and I don't even know how to get there, so I'm probably not going to go. I am going to get up in time for it, though - just in case.

I need to wash some work clothing. I may or may not do that later.

No song today. No Star Wars quotes. That's it. The blog is over.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Shoot Jar Jar Before I Break This Big Screen TV

Well, I'm mid-production during my first time running the show - we're all a little frazzled, so we're taking a break to ignore Attack of the Clones while we work.

I designed news. Really, I did. It was weird. I can't believe I did that. I haven't designed in more than a year, and then it was opinions. So the good news is I'm not a useless editor.

The better news: Aside for one story I'm waiting on, I finished pages 1 through 14 today. Woohoo!

No Fox cartoons tonight. That's sad. I'm actually getting into American Dad.

I've been up since 4:15. Actually 4:16. I'm exhausted. Yikes.

I can't wait until this paper is done and I can sleep the sleep of the happily unconscious.

And now, more work. Work work work. Save me!

So Matt and I fought for his umbrella today, and he pulled me around the office in a rolling chair by it. Weirdness.

We had a caper, too. See, no one has a key to my office. Yes, I have an office, but I don't have a key to it. So we thought we'd call up Brandon to get his key to the business office adjacent to ours. Well, try as we might, we couldn't find my key. It was a failed caper, but any caper is better than no caper.

The good news: The Cheat is not dead.

(The Cheat, man,
Where did we go wrong?
Seems like just yesterday we were setting fire to Strong Sad's underwears.)
(STRONG SAD: That WAS yesterday!)
(This one's for you...)

I got mad at The Cheat,
For screwing up the Jumble Caper
I hope I don't see his name in the paper,
In the obituaries,
'Cause that would mean he's dead

The Cheat is not dead
I'm so glad The Cheat is not dead
The Cheat is not dead
I'm so glad The Cheat is not dead
The Cheat is not dead
I'm so glad the Cheat is not--
Just the claps!
Just the claps!

(Strong Sad, I had no idea you had any rhythm!)
(STRONG SAD: Oh sure, I got TONS of rhythm!)
(Alright, guys, keep it rolling for me.)
Keep it rolling.)

Come on,
I cracked wise at The Cheat,
But in my defense, he cracked wise at me first
i hope he doesn't end up in a hearse
At the cemetary,
'Cause once again that would mean that he's dead

The Cheat is not dead
I'm so glad the cheat is not dead
The Cheat is not dead
(Whoa, where'd this choir come from?)
I'm so glad The Cheat is not dead
The Cheat is not dead
(You guys sound great!)
I'm so glad The Cheat is not dead
The Cheat is not dead
I'm so glad The Cheat is not dead
The Cheat is not dead
I'm so glad The Cheat is not dead
The Cheat Is not dead...
I'm so glad The Cheat is not...

Cheat is not dead
(Cheat is not dead)
Cheat is not dead
(Cheat is not dead)
No, Cheat's not dead!
(Cheat is not dead!)
Oh yeah, Cheat's not dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
Oh, he's dead...
(Cheat is not dead)
NO, he's NOT dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
I said Cheat's not dead now
(Cheat is not dead!)
No, The Cheat's not dead
(Cheat is not dead)
Had to go to the store!
(Cheat is not dead)
Pick up maybe fish sticks (?)
(Cheat is not dead)
They're out of frozen food!
(Cheat is not dead)
At least The Cheat's not dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
Little Cheat's not dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
Cheat is not dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
No, he's never been dead
(Cheat is not dead)
I said Cheat's not dead
(Cheat is not dead)
(Cheat is not dead)
No, he's not dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
I know he's not dead!
(Cheat is not dead)
No, he's not dead
(Cheat is not dead)
No, he's not dead
(Cheat is not dead)
No, Cheat's not dead!



I Don't Bend That Way

Holy crap! Where to begin? Yikes! I now have no campus news editor. So when I get off working from 4:45 a.m. to 1:15 p.m., I get to figure out what the fuck to do with the 14 news pages in the CUSTOMS tab. Did I mention how FUCKED I am? I mean, really, I'm FUCKED! And I didn't even have an orgasm...

So I've put Matthew in charge of the Features/Sports half of the office, which leaves me the most experienced designer (if Matthew is busy). Translation: I could very well find myself designing news tomorrow. While I love a challenge, this is of epic proportions. Here's hoping I don't fuck it all up beyond repair.

Matt O. (the sports designer) is now the sports editor as well. At least I've filled one gap. Yay me.

Thank God Tracie is going to be the boss at Starbucks tomorrow(today), because I don't think I could handle being the boss at two places. Did I mention I'm FUCKED?

I mean, I'm really frustrated, in all aspects: Professionally, financially, sexually, psychotically, grammatically. Frustration all around, baby! Have a piece!

I've done Pilates the past few days, and my legs hurt so fuckin' bad. Ouch! My hamstrings are SORE - but they look mighty good. They feel good, too, so if any of you readers run into me, wait until I flex and then grab the back of my thigh. Yeah, baby, that's real muscle.

My hamstrings have become abnormally tight since I took my year-long dancing hiatus. I don't like it. I try to stretch them whenever I can, and this weekend at home I went a little nuts with the toning. I woke up so sore I could barely move my poor legs. The good news: They're looking pretty fine these days.

So, once I discovered how FUCKED I was tonight, I gave Patrick a ring. He said this: "You never really learn until you're thrown into the fire, so welcome to the burning pits of hell." I think it was supposed to have a silver lining. He makes editing fun!

The Nextel All-Star race was tonight. Neat. I got some delicious barbecue at Mike and Fran's. Mmmm mmmm good.

Last night I went to the Black-Eyed Pea with my parents, Mike and Fran, and Jen. My mom bought me six drinks. She's such a bad influence. Then I got two more drinks at the Gallatin bowling alley. So I was having a fun night AND I didn't spend one damn dime. Yay!

Then today happened and everything went to shit, but at least I can get wasted after production, assuming I last through it.

Song of the day: While I'm tempted to pick Jimmy Buffett's "A Love Song from a Different Point of View" (aka "Why Don't We Get Drunk"), I've opted for "Everything" by Lifehouse. Read the lyrics. I love reading sex into lyrics. It gives me purpose...and something to do. Other than Pilates. Did I mention how in pain my muscles are right now? I'm not supposed to bend that way.

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Fun, Games, Blood, Comments: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

I made it through work tonight, which means I'm off until Sunday morning, and then I'm off until Tuesday. I have many days off next week. Life is good.

Star Wars was cool. Very violent - I'm glad they didn't hold back with the killings. I enjoyed it.

At the theater, people were having lightsaber fights in front of the screen prior to the movie. It was craziness, but really entertaining to watch.

Matt made a comment to the effect of "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt."

I responded with "Then it's all fun and games and blood."

It was witty, damnit! You didn't think of it!

Matt and I are going to have an elaborate lightsaber fight. More on this later.

So I have no sports editor for the summer. That's not good. That couldn't even be construed as remotely good.

On top of that, I'm not ready for bikini season! This has NEVER happened to me, but apparently, not being able to dance for a year has caused some serious problems in the ab department, so I'm going to whip my ass into shape ASAP. I've never been unprepared for bikini season, and I'm sure as hell not going to start now.

I'm taking pilates in the fall, so if nothing else, I'll have a killer bod by then. Start getting jealous now, kids - you'll eventually want to be seen with me in public.

And while I'm addressing you, my loyal readers, why the hell did the commenting stop? Good grief, I have a site meter, so I know you're out there. Freakin' leave me a comment, you ungrateful bastards! I'm not just doing this for me. I'm doing this for my ego, too. OK, really, there's no point in having a blog if no one cares, so start caring. I need many, many comments!

And now, song of the day, going back to the era of Jim Croce: "Thursday" - kind of fitting because it is Thursday (to me it is, because I haven't gone to bed yet), and it's reminiscent of all those failed relationships we all have.

Well, it started out just like a dream
And like a dream
I knew that what we had
Would have to end
I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend

Someone to be there after all your nighttime lovers
Had gone the way they came
Someone who knew the way
To help you play your daytime game
It's not the same

Well, I started out pretending
That I've come to mean enough to you
To make you want to change
Then I came to realize
That there was just too much of you you'd have to rearrange

And I couldn't bear to wait around
For all your nighttime lovers
To go the way they came
Then it came to hurt too much for me
To have to play your daytime game
No one's to blame

Well, it started out just like a dream
And like a dream
I knew that what we had
Would have to end

I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend
I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
You were lookin' for a friend
I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
And you were lookin' for a friend
I was lookin' for a lifetime lover
You were lookin' for a friend

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

This Bag Is Not a Toy...But This Lightsaber Is!

I had a somewhat productive hour since I first rolled out of bed. I put this thing together for my bathroom. It was great fun because I got to use power tools. No, it didn't take the whole hour.

Of course, it came with all the proper warnings to keep me from accidentally suffocating myself in a fit of glee. "This bag is not a toy." No shit! I have yet, in my 22 1/2 years of existence (sans womb time), come across a bag that was a toy. Why would I think that this one bag on this bathroom contraption is, in fact, the first bag toy ever?

Sometimes I wonder how people can be so stupid, and then I realize: They're not me! That explains a lot, really.

Tonight, at 12:01 a.m., I will be indulging in the new Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith. I'm so fuckin' excited I can barely sit still. I pity the fools who have to work with me for six hours tonight, listening to me say things like "May the Force be with you," "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie," and "Would somebody please get this walking carpet out of my way?"

I'm chock full of Star Wars quotes, and I hope to make a reference at least every half hour. You know, to entice them to call Tracie to come in earlier so I can leave.

A special shoutout to Tracie, who is coming in to finish my shift, leaving her visiting boyfriend in the car so that I can contemplate going to the Dark Side.

Last week, I drew a lightsaber fight on the deployment board in the back with the phrase "Join the Dark Side! We have cookies!" written next to it. I totally stole that from Manda's blog, but I'm OK with that.

And now, let's end with some George Lucas magic.

Leia: Captain, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited.
Well, that's a shame. It's OK, Han, you can come hold me.

Yoda: No. Try not. Do...or do not. There is no try.
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind the next time I take an accounting test.

Darth Vader: Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.
Wait a minute - I can destroy Darth Vader AND release my anger? Sign me up!

Yoda: Away put your weapon. I mean you no arm.
Wow, Manda, it's just what your mom said last night!

Han Solo: Chewie. This can't help me. There'll be another time. The Princess. You have to take care of her. All right?
What? No! Bring back the handsome scoundrel!

OK, bad things will happen if I don't shower now, so I'm off to work, then to Star Wars! I'm actually humming the theme music right now. Sweet!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Black King Kong and Cox's Intervention

Today was bizarre. After my freakishly long blog earlier, I went to Wal-Mart to run some errands. Robert went home for a few days, allowing me plenty of time to finish all that pesky unpacking I should've done two weeks ago. Will I do it? Probably not, but I'll at least give it a shot tonight.

I couldn't find any contact paper. Where the hell do you get contact paper? I went all over both Wal-Marts, but my treks were fruitless.

Afterward, I went to Cox's for some rum and orange juice. Project Pat and the Chad were there, as was some guy whose name I can't remember. In fact, I'm not sure I ever knew it. Kristin and Alan came later, and then we watched some [adult swim].

During all this, Cox mentioned that he's moving to Portland, TN. Well, Kristin just wouldn't have that. She came over to him and kept insisting he not move. It was quite entertaining. She even mentioned his recent journalism degree and all the jobs he could be getting with it. Kristin really doesn't want Cox to move.

Later, we were watching a preview for The Longest Yard. After we all bitched for a minute about how they shouldn't remake it, Kristin highlighted how there were many cool wrestlers in it, including some big black guy who is like King Kong in Japan. Ha! Yeah, she made that noise. It was funny.

And now, the song of the day: "Pink" by Aerosmith.

Pink it's my new obsession
Pink it's not even a question,
Pink on the lips of your lover, 'cause
Pink is the love you discover

Pink as the bing on your cherry
Pink 'cause you are so very
Pink it's the color of passion
'Cause today it just goes with the fashion

Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light, and
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight

You could be my flamingo
'Coz pink is the new kinda lingo
Pink like a deco umbrella
It's kink - but you don't ever tell her

Pink it was love at first sight, and
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink gets me high as a kite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight

I want to be your lover
I wanna wrap you in rubber
As pink as the sheets that we lay on
Pink it's my favorite crayon, yeah

Pink it was love at first sight
Pink when I turn out the light
Pink it's like red but not quite
And I think everything is going to be all right
No matter what we do tonight

Monday, May 16, 2005

I Bet You Think This Blog Is about You

Manda's overly ambitious, and I strive to do the same, so, not to be outdone, here are the 200 questions she did on her blog.

001. Your Full name: Wendy Kaye Caldwell

002. Do you feel like your name fits you? Well, I guess, because when people call me Wendy, I tend to answer. My mom wanted to name me Tiffany, but my dad wouldn't let her because he called it a "lamp name." That actually happened. I can't make this shit up.

003. Do you have an alter ego? I hope so! That sounds fun! I do sometimes have evil tendencies, like when I play video games. So, yeah, My alter ego is evil. Whoa. I really need to stop capitalizing self references.

004. Where were you born? Knoxville, TN

005. Where do you live? Starbucks...I mean Murfreesboro, TN

006. Do you like to travel? An enthusiastic yes!

007. What is your birthday? 12/20/1982

008. Do you have siblings? Misty, 23

009. Do you have pets? 2 cats: Macavity and Mistofolees. I was going to get a kitten for my place with the Tina, but they want another $400 pet deposit, so that's pretty much me saying, "Go fuck yourself." Tina has two pets: Destiny (cat) and Cademan (Chinchilla). I'm hoping to get a water dragon soon.

010. Which was the happiest year of your life? I was doing well when I was 19 and 20.

011. How old do you wish you were? 23 or 24...by then hopefully I'll be out of college.

012. A movie is being made about your life. Who would you cast to play yourself? Sarah Michelle Gellar...hey, no one said she had to look like me. Or maybe Natalie Portman. Or Kiera Knightley. I'd like to be British in my movie.

013. Who would you cast to play your significant other? JOHNNY DEPP (the way he looked in Chocolat.

014. How would this movie end? With credits. I don't know. If it ended at this point in my life, I guess I'd be blogging questions about myself as the credits rolled and some sad song played. Nah, it'd end on a beach at sunset.

015. Is it better to be famous or infamous? Yes.

016. You're going to die a natural death. What is the cause? Cancer or heart attack. I actually discussed this last night. Weird!

017. You're going to die a sudden, tragic death. What is the cause? Spontaneous combustion OR doing something heroic, like saving a troup of Girl Scouts from some wild dogs on PCP.

018. How long do you plan on living? Longer than my vegetarian friends, just to prove a point. Actually, I don't PLAN on living. It just kind of happens by me making it through each day.

019. What was the last song you got stuck in your head? "Help Somebody" on the Van Zant CD and "Sugar (Give Me Some" by Trick Daddy.

020. Sing any commercial jingle. Usually when I'm forced to sing they say "Please" and I get a cookie. This was a tough call, and I almost picked "Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence," but I opted for the Log theme: What rolls down stairs/Alone or in pairs/Rolls over your neighbor's dog?/What's great for a snack/And fits on your back?/It's Log! Log! Log!/It's Lo-og! It's Lo-og!/It's big, it's heavy/It's wood!/It's Lo-og! It's Lo-og!It's better than bad/It's good!"

021. What is your favorite element on the periodic table? Aresenic...Just kidding! I like...Berylium. It's fun to say!

022. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset in winter, sunrise in summer

023. Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert

024. Creation or evolution? Yes.

025. Action or reaction? I react to the actions of others.

026. Unity or individuality? These two aren't mutually exclusive. Ooh! Big phrases! Yeah...it's a Venn Diagram thing.

027. Hugs or drugs? I don't know...I never had a hug that made me see flowers dancing...I'm kidding. Definitely hugs. Unless the drug is alcohol. Then a little of both. I mean a lot of both.

028. Animal, vegetable, or mineral? For what? Dinner or lifetime companion? Animal.

029. Popsicle, creamcicle, or fudgecicle? Fudge!!!!!

030. Fight or flight? Are swords or guns involved? I need to weigh my options.

031. Who is your favorite historical figure? Rene Descartes or Harry S. Truman

032. Which historical figure could we have done without? I'd like to say Hitler, Stalin, or Mussolini, but they had too much impact on the world. I'm going to go with Adam. You know, the first man. OK, enough sarcasm. Millard Filmore takes the cake again! I mean, really, what did he DO?

033. What happened in the last dream you remember? I don't know. I usually remember my dreams, but I usually forget them shortly after. I think my mom was there.

034. Do nice guys really finish last? I don't know. Not being a nice guy, I'm really not equipped to answer this question.

035. What are your favorite boy names? Bradley, Steven, Michael

036. What are your favorite girl names? Elisabeth

037. Open or closed? Cracked? I don't know what this is asking.

038. White bread or wheat bread? White!

039. Is it better to burn out than to fade away? Yes. Burning is fun to watch.

040. You put a quarter into a toy machine. What comes out? The quarter. Fuck this machine!

041.What do you want to be when you grow up? I'm not grown up yet? Ideally, I want to marry someone way out of my league, be filthy rich and do nothing.

042. What were your favorite childhood toys? Any board game or card game

043. What was your first pet? A cat named Nic-Nac

045. What is your favorite action caption from the old batman tv show? Ummm...Yeah...I don't have one...I'm going to steal Manda's: POW!

046. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know. And I may never care.

047. The glass... half empty or half full? Half empty.


048. Tightie whities. Ahh! No! Make it stop!

049. McDonalds happy meals. I like the Might Kids Meal - it's just enough food for a mighty kid such as myself.

050. Reality shows. Survivor was good back in the day. It's the only tolerable one.

051. Gummi bears or gummi worms? Worms

052. Would you rather sky dive or deep sea dive? Sky dive! Let's go now!

053. Paper or plastic? Plastic

054. What position do you sleep in? I don't know. I never see myself sleep. Ask someone who sleeps with me. Most likely, it's on my side. That's always the last position I remember before I fall asleep.

055. Do you sleep on the left, right, or the middle of the bed? Middle

056. Sweet or sour? SWEET!

057. What was your favorite after school special? What kind of answer was yours, Manda? I don't like after school specials.

058. What is your favorite word? fuck

059. Beach or mountains? beach

060. Mounds or almond joy? I don't like coconut unless it's in the form of Malibu rum

061. Do you feel like a nut? I feel like a mass of flesh and bones. Oh, wait! I am!

062. To give or to receive? Both

063. Chocolate or caramel? chocolate

064. Do you have any nicknames? Yes: Wen, Wend, Wendell, Firecracker

065. What does your name mean? Shepherdess I believe...Yeah, weird.

066. Have you ever fainted? Yes.

067. Have you ever had a crush on a school teacher? Nope

068. What was the last thing you ate? Blue Coast chicken soft tacos

069. Do you have any bad habits? I talk about myself ALL the time...I mean, really, it's bad! Notice the capitalizing of "my" a few questions up? That's not the first time I've done that.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear...

070. Grey... Street

071. Human... Android

072. Fruit loop... Toucan

073. Glove... Baseball

074. Plum... Clue

075. Structure... Building

076. Race...car

077. Heart... blood

078. Parasite... tick

079. What was your first happy memory? Climbing on the playground when I was 2

080. What was your first unhappy memory? Getting stung by a hornet when I was 3 or 4

081. If you could visit any time period, what would it be? I like now. Now is good for me. Or maybe two years ahead, like 2007. That'd be perfect.

082. What would Jesus do? Are Klondike bars involved? Am I supposed to say "this survey?" I don't think Jesus would accuse people of not loving Him if they didn't forward some e-mail to 27 of their closest friends.

083. Make up a word and define it. Sornication: Having sex with a nun. See, I used my Latin roots (soror is sister)!

084. Favourite [fruit drink] flavour? How is this question British and the next one not? I like Sharkleberry Fin Kool-Aid (but it's gone now) and Strawberry Kiwi everything.

085. Favorite pick up line? LOL Manda I love yours! I have yet to have a line that worked, so I'm going to use Manda's: Are your parents retarded? Cause you look like a special girl!

086. Who was the third gunman on the grassy knoll? Deep Throat. It's as good a guess as any, I suppose. I mean, why just be involved in one president's doings?

087. What did you like to make believe as a child? That I was going to get married when I was 20...HAHA!

088. Did you have an imaginary friend? No

089. Would you like to live in a castle or a mansion? A mansion that looks like a castle from the outside

090. Re-arrange some of the letters in your first, middle, and last name to form a description of you. Wacky and well-eyed

091. Do it fast or do it right? Right

092.What was the last book you read? I'm rereading Harry Potter

093. Have you ever had surgery? Yes, several times

094. Random fact about you: I'm related to Jesse James

095. What is the first thing you wash in the shower? hair

096. What is your favorite cereal? Cocoa Puffs

097. If you could learn any foreign language, what would it be? Greek

098. If you had the choice to live forever, would you? Depends - is the apocalypse close? Because 100 years sounds good, but 100,000 and I'd get lonely.

099. If you had the choice to be the opposite sex for a day, would you? Proably


100. Fate? Yes

101. Ghosts? Yes, and someday, I hope to haunt the hell out of some people

102. God? Yes

103. Bigfoot? It's not impossible

104. Soul mates? Yes

105. Aliens? "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." - Bill Waterson, Calvin and Hobbes

106. Angels? Yes

107. Lochness monster? Why not

108. Heaven and hell? I believe in afterlife

109. The Zodiac? Sure

110. Love at first sight? I think you can know at first sight whether someone will be important to your life

111. Karma? Yes

112. Vampires? Nah, Buffy killed them all

113. If you had any super power, what would it be? Mind reading

114. Would you use your power for good or evil? I'd use it to my advantage, so hopefully I have good intentions

115. Name something nostalgic. High school football

116. What are your turn-ons in the opposite sex? Nice arms (good for holding), nice eyes (good for looking), nice brain (good for talking)

117. What are your turn-offs in the opposite sex? Sleazy guys, and guys who talk so slow you don't think they got out of middle school

118. What was the best compliment ever given to you? "Does God ever make mistakes? You are the way you are for a reason." - Nick (aww, tear)

119. Which character from Scooby Doo do you most relate to? Daphne, because Buffy plays her, and I don't want to pick Velma, but really, it's Velma. No, just kidding. Fred. He's all about Fred.

120. What is the worst trend of the present time? Reality television. And Republican presidents. I'm afraid when they come out with some reality George W. Bush-a-thon. Then it's time to smash the TV.

121. Beer or wine? If you can't shoot it, don't drink it.


122. Do you like long surveys? This one's growing on me..

123. You can't sleep. Look at me now. What? I'm guessing Manda added "Look at me now." I'm going to say that I usually can't sleep, so I stay up. And drink. Or not. But usually yes.

124. Do you wear jewelry? Earrings, belly ring, hematite ring

125. What is your favorite smell? Clove

126. What was the best decade of the past century? The 1990s. I remember them. I was there.

127. Which is your favorite month of the year? July

128. Do you smoke? No

129. Do you drink? NO! Oh, you meant alcohol? Well, yeah.

130. What was your favorite subject in school? Math

131. What was your worst subject in school? PE? I don't know.

132. If you had to give up one of your senses, what would it be? Scent

133. Do you follow your head, your heart, or your crotch? My breasts - they're usually in front

134. Do you truly know who you are? I know enough about myself to steal my own identity

135. Are you superstitious? Sometimes

136. Are you sentimental? Yes

137. How many times a day do you eat? Once or so - I'm poor

138. Are you more of a main idea or detail type of person? Details


152. If love were a flavour, which flavour would it be? Back to the British thing...warm apple pie. OK, umm, chocolate

153. If hate were a flavour, which flavour would it be? Dirt

154. Have you ever been prescribed any drugs? Yes

155. Is lying sometimes necessary? Maybe not necessary, but sometimes is the lesser of two evils

156. Bubbleyum or bubblicious? Hubba Bubba!

157. What is your favourite curse word? Fuck

158. Do you have any birthmarks? Surprisingly, no. Now, don't go telling me that everyone has one and I just haven't found mine yet. I know my body better than you do, and I've been birthmark free for 22 years. Thanks, mom.

159. If you could visit anywhere in the US, where would it be? New York!!!!

160. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would it be? Greece

162. Do you feel like your physical self matches your personality? Yes, totally. I act like a little girl who wishes she could beat the shit out of people if need be.

163. What was the name of your kindergarten teacher? Miss Calloway

164. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Nope, I'm 20/20 in both eyes.

165. How tall are you? 5’5"

166. How tall would you like to be? 5’7”

167. Your current mood: peaceful

168. Do you dress up for Halloween? Of course!

169. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes, but fear not, I survived

170. What is your favourite lucky charm? My Lynyrd Skynyrd 30 Years Thong (Yes, it's true. I have a lucky thong)

171. What color of underwear are you wearing? Purple, lacy, kind of randomly strapped...OK, stop picturing me in my underwear!

172. Do you tend to date people younger or older than you? Within two years both ways usually

173. Do your exes look alike? Not even close

174. Do your exes act alike? Not even close

175. Have you ever been in love? Yes

176. What is your favourite kids movie? The Little Mermaid! and The Emperor's New Groove!

177. Have you ever hallucinated? Probably from lack of sleep

178. What do you like most about the opposite sex? Feeling safe...I like to be held

179. What do you hate most about the opposite sex? How they just don't seem to care about the things that bother us.

180. Have you ever been on a blind date? God no

181. Would you want to be cloned? I don't think the world is ready for two Wendys

182. Have you ever peed in public? No

183. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Realist

184. How did you find out that there was no Santa Claus? There's no Santa Claus?

185. Pancakes or waffles? Yes, with extra butter

186. Are you on a diet? Funny

187. Why is the grass always greener on the other side? Our grass has jaundice

188. Do you always want what you can't have? Yes, if I could have it, then I wouldn't want it. I'd have it.

189. Do you act stupid around someone you have a crush on? Probably, but I like to think I'm too cool for that

190. Have you ever been arrested? Nope

191. Can you cook? Yes

192. Do you think its wrong/weird if a girl asks a guy out? Nope, I've done it

193. Do you have any allergies? Yes: Mold, dust, anything that blooms, sulfa drugs

194. Ketchup or catsup? I never have to spell that word

195. Do you believe there is a meaning to life? Yeah, but we're all too dumb to figure it out

196. What do you think about before you fall asleep? I'm usually trying to stay awake to watch something

197. What are your thoughts on the nature of good and evil? Most people are inherently good; I am inherently evil. I fight it well. I think we all have tendencies for both.

198. Step into your cave. There you will find your power animal. What kind of animal is it? A white tiger. A SEXY white tiger. Grrrrrr!

199. What does your power animal say to you? Holy shit, a talking human!

200. End this survey with a quote: "If I had gotten syphilis or a does of clap for my five minutes of passion on the beach instead of this damned mosquito bite, I could see some justice. But malaria? Malaria? Who can explain malaria as a consequence of fornication?" - Catch-22

Who Knew the Dodge Charger Could Do Anything?

So I haven't blogged in a while. Mostly I've just been drunk.

Last night we went to Mike and Fran's for more food than most people can eat. Kasey Kahne won his first career NASCAR race, and my mom was so excited she couldn't sit still.

OK. That's it. Song of the day: "Pencil Thin Mustache" by Jimmy Buffett

Now they make new movies in old black and white,
With happy endings, where nobody fights,
So if you find yourself in that nostalgic rage,
Honey, jump right up and show your age.

I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
the "Boston Blackie" kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
and an autographed piture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I remember bein' buck toothed and skinny
Writin' fan letters to Sky's niece Penny.
Oh, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.
Oh it's Bandstand, Disneyland, growin up fast,
Drinkin' on a fake I.D.
And Rama of the jungle was everyone's Bawana,
But only jazz musicians were smokin marajuana.
Yeah, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.

But then it's flat-top, dirty bop, copin' a feel'
grubbin on the living room floor;
They send you off to college to try to gain
a little knowledge,
But all you want to do is learn how to score.
Yeah, but now I'm gettin' old, don't wear underwear,
I don't go to church, and I don't cut my hair;
But I can goto movies and see it all there,
Just the way that it use to be.

That's why I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache
the "Boston Blackie" kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
And an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I could be anyone I wanted to be,
Maybe suave Eerol Flynn or the Sheik of Araby.
If I only had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could do some crusing too.

Yeah, Brylcream, a little dab'll do yah,
Oh, I could do some cruising too.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Evan Williams Sunrise

OK, so I don't do tequila. I had an Evan Williams sunrise. In the hot tub. Life is good.

Around 5:11 a.m. I changed back into non-bikini clothing and was about to go to sleep when my phone rang at 5:30. It was work. Here's what happened:

Tracie: "Hey, Wendy. Do you want to come in and work a little this morning?"
Me: "I haven't been to bed yet, and I'm really drunk."
Tracie: "Oh. OK!"

So Lindsey sent this mass e-mail getting-to-know-you thing, so I thought I'd take a crack at it today.

1) If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? Greece

2) What's your favorite article of clothing? My cherry tank top

3) Favorite feature(s) of the opposite sex? Arms, eyes, intelligence

4) What's the last CD that you bought? Wow, I have no idea. My car is sans CD-player these days, so I don't buy many CDs. I guess it was the Garden State soundtrack? I don't know...let's go with that anyway.

5) Where's your favorite place to be? Disney World or bed

6) Where's your least favorite place to be? The dentist or the ER, because they stick me with needles.

7) What's your favorite place to be massaged? Neck, back, as long as it's not my feet

8) What's most important, strong in mind or strong in body? Being as though I'm 103.5 pounds of fury, I'll have to go with mind

9) What time do you wake up? If I open, 4:13 a.m.; if I'm a mid shift, an hour before work; if I close, between 1 and 2; if I don't work, whenever I wake up

10) What's your favorite kitchen appliance? Refrigerator or microwave

11) What makes you really angry? Many things...I like Lindsey's answer: Republicans. Also: stupid people, bad drivers, anything really if you catch me at the wrong time could potentially make me angry - that's the fun of me!

12) If you could play any instrument, what would it be? Guitar

13) Favorite color(s)? Black and blue

14) Which do you prefer sports car or SUV? A sports car

15) Do you believe in the afterlife? Sure

16) Favorite Children's Book? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

17) What is your favorite season? Summer

18) What is your least favorite household chore? Dishes

19) If you could have one superpower, what would it be? Mind reading

20) If you have a tattoo, what is it? Despite my low threshold for pain, I have one on my upper back: a yellow rose inside a sun

21) Can you juggle? An extreme no

22) The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk with? Is this supposed to be a question? It seems to me there's no verb. OK, I'd have to say Rene Descartes...I know he's not from MY past, but he's from THE past, and that's something.

23) What's your favorite day? Whatever day I don't have to work

24) What's in the trunk of your car? Wow...tons of shit. A DVD player, some bags of stuff, some of my sister's shit...I mean, what isn't in my car? A body...yeah...don't be too sure on that one

25) What do you prefer sushi or a hamburger? Hamburger, same as Lindsey, only add bacon to these cheese and pickles, and it's a bonus if there's Swiss cheese

26) Favorite flower: White rose

27) If you have any piercings, where are they and how many? 8 in my ears and my belly ring

28) Who is the most inspirational person in your life? (They can be
dead or alive) My aunt Beth, interior designer, mother, cancer survivor, great cook

And now, the song of the day: "The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm

I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby

I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin’ to get down

To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
Forgiveness - baby
Even if, you don’t love me anymore

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Where Is the (Liquid) Love?

I've had an event block of time since I last had the opportunity to sit in front of a computer and outline my daily happenings.

So on Cinco de Mayo the Nemesis and I did some drinking, although I didn't do that much because I went all day without eating. Prior to that, I had a few drinks at Chili's.

I burned the fuck out of my fingers with a very bad attempt at drunk smoking. Yeah. AND I had to do it twice, because I have blisters on both hands. One second-degree burn isn't enough for me, apparently.

Then sorority formal happened the next day. I went with Adam. It was awkward. I cried, and that's no fun for me. It's too weird being around him right now.

At the after party at my place, we broke out the Liquid Love again. Yes. Use your imagination - it probably happened.

Saturday was some graduation party fun. After fighting to get out of bed for work (I cannot express how badly I wanted to just stay in bed all day), I went to Cox's graduation party. It was like a Sidelines reunion, with some Hvegas people thrown in. I had to leave early because I had to work at 7:45 a.m., but it was tons of fun. ERICA and Meggers also graduated. Awesome.

Today I did some drive-thru work (I love being a barista at work) with the Intimidator. Then I took a nap and bummed around, doing laundry and talking online to JR. I was going to go home for Mother's Day, but my dad is really sick, so we had to postpone our dinner plans.

The song of the day: "Where Is the Love" by the Black Eyed Peas. It's stuck in my head. Hopefully, this will get it stuck in your head, too.

What's wrong with the world mama?
People living like aint got no mamas
I think the whole worlds addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that bring you trauma
Overseas yeah we tryin to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin
In the USA the big CIA the Bloodz and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And if you hatin you're bound to get irate
Yeah madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
You gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love y'all

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the love2x)

It just ain't the same all ways have changed
New days are strange is the world the insane?
If love and peace so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations dropping bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing suffering
As the youth die young
So ask yourself is the loving really strong?
So I can ask myself really what is going wrong
With this world that we living in
People keep on giving in
Makin wrong decisions
Only visions of them livin and
Not respecting each other
Deny thy brother
The wars' going on but the reasons' undercover
The truth is kept secret
Swept under the rug
If you never know truth
Then you never know love
Where's the love y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the truth y'all?(I don't know)
Where's the love y'all?

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father father father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(where is the lovex3)(the lovex2)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm getting older y'all people get colder
Most of us only care about money makin
Selfishness got us followin the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting their young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what the see in the cinema
Whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love, we're spreading anomosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feeling down
It's no wonder why sometimes I'm feeling under
I gotta keep my faith alive, until love is found

People killing people dying
Children hurtin you hear them crying
Can you practice what you preach
Would you turn the other cheek?
Father Father Father help us
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?(fade)

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Only on Chromosomes That End in Y

It's official: I'm one of the guys.

Today at work, T-Money was putting up the order, and I was working the floor with Thomas. As I was counting out of the safe, T-Money said something to the effect of [name witheld] getting hotter every day. Then there were references to past hot girl employees. And I'm all, "Hello. Yeah, I'm just apparently - " and he responded with "Oh, Wendy, you're one of the guys." Thomas added "You're so one of the guys - you go out and drink with us."

And thus it became set in stone that I am once again "one of the guys." We started discussing this last Saturday, actually. It came up that girls like me are automatic cock blocks. I'm not so sure about that, but going out with guys doesn't tend to attract males, either, so I guess it works both ways.

After work, Thomas, T-Money, and I went to Toot's for a drink. There are a surprising number of hot women at the Smyrna Toot's, and wouldn't you know it, they ALL wanted Thomas. The bartender even got him to wear her dangly long silver earring. Yeah. It was quite entertaining - it made my day.

Holly called whilst I was there to thank me for working. Cool. I mean, I just show up when I'm scheduled, but I'll take a thank you.

You know, for one of the guys, I sure do have a nice rack in this shirt.

Brian is fixing my starter today. As I told him yesterday, "You're the best Tina's boyfriend ever!"

Last night post meeting we went to the store and bought enough weird crap that I'm amazed the police didn't ask us if we'd just taken a bong hit. I bought Mountain Dew, seasoning salt, potatoes, donuts, and bacon.

I had a fun brief trip to the Smyrna Boys and Girls Club today. This one girl came up to me and gave me a hug. It was cute. I'm going back Thursday. It was going to be a brief trip, but I may stay a while. The kids are fun.

Well, I'm going to shower. I need to remind myself that I'm still a girl, regardless of all the sports I like, the violent movies I prefer, my incredible ability to drink whiskey, and my makes-a-sailor-blush language. Anyway, I've been on a breast kick lately. It's like I'm suddenly very fascinated with my breasts. I think it's because they've grown in the past few months, and I have all these shirts that show them off. Yes. It's definitely time to shower.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Drumlines, Nemeses, Starters

I just learned a valuable lesson: If you go to Auto Zone in really tight pants, you get to go to the front of the line. Note to self. If any of you guys are gonna try this, I insist on being there. I mean, it was my idea.

Define weird: Last night, after my day of Buffy and little else, I stayed up until 8:20 a.m. talking to the arch nemesis online. I also talked to Cadence until 7:42. Yeah, that Cadence, from blogs of yore. It was nice. We hadn't talked in a while. It's fun to compare fucked-up lives. I think I won.

My dad is going to buy my starter in Hendersonville, and then they're going to transfer it to the Murfreesboro store so I can pick it up tonight. Wow. What a roundabout thing to do. Even more proof I'm broke.

The better news: When I bring the old starter back, I get cash! Cash for my broke ass! This is good news indeed. I give them a starter that doesn't work, and they give me $35. And it's totally legal!

I'm going to get a kitten. I'm very excited about this. I can't wait! I'm not sure exactly when I'll get it, but I'm nonetheless thrilled about the venture. I dig cats. And kittens are just supercute cats.

I finished my insurance final and project, and now my semester has come to a screeching halt. What a nice feeling. If I weren't so poor, I'd celebrate with a drink or two or never. Alas, that will have to wait.

The Tina let me take her car on my starter excursion. It felt good to drive. Her brakes rock, too. I just have to think about stopping, and the car ceases to move.

Erica was supposed to come see me at work Saturday night, but she diddn't. I'll forgive her just this once.

And now, the song of the day: "Empty Garden" by Elton John. And, yes, it's about the Beatle. Weird that I pick that for the song of the day, because I'm not too big on the Beatles, but I dig the song.

What happened here
As the New York sunset disappeared
I found an empty garden among the flagstones there
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And now it all looks strange
It’s funny how one insect can damage so much grain

And what’s it for
This little empty garden by the brownstone door
And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
And we are so amazed we’re crippled and we’re dazed
A gardener like that one no one can replace

And I’ve been knocking but no one answers
And I’ve been knocking most all the day
Oh and I’ve been calling oh hey hey Johnny
Can’t you come out to play

And through their tears
Some say he farmed his best in younger years
But he’d have said that roots grow stronger if only he could hear
Who lived there
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop
Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls
We hear, we hear your name

And I’ve been knocking but no one answers
And I’ve been knocking most all the day
Oh and I’ve been calling oh hey hey Johnny
Can’t you come out to play

Johnny can’t you come out to play in your empty garden

In Bed with Buffy

What a day off I had.

Yes, I had a day off. And it was a good one during which I did nothing that could possibly be construed as productive.

First, I slept until around 1:30 p.m. I then called Holly (my boss), read some Harry Potter, and fell asleep for a nap sometime between 2 and 2:30 p.m.

I woke from the nap at 4:45 p.m. I then watched Buffy with the Tina until 9 p.m. I took a shower, dropped by Starbucks, and went on a quest to Hvegas to get the rest of my Buffy seasons. I also picked up some dresses, clothing, and realized I have way too many pairs of shoes. I mean, seriously, it's ridiculous. I need 12 steps.

When we got back, I saw that I've been referenced on JR's blog, which totally feeds my ego and narcissism, and I really need that right now. Thanks, JR, you're a pal.

I did less moping today than usual. Actual, I didn't cry at all, and I only almost cried like twice. It's an uphill battle, but I'm one of the troops. Or some other cliche - take your pick.

I'm glad that my blog has become some kind of forum of support for me. Thanks to Manda and Meggers for having my back. You both rock my world! Yes, that's my new phrase.

Season 3 is about to come to an end, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss the big showdown with the mayor, so I'm off to lie in bed some more and watch Buffy with the Tina, because clearly four hours wasn't nearly enough. Ah, yes. I hear the theme from Nerf Herder. It calls me. But first, here are some quotes from the best show ever from Spike, the sexiest dead man ever.

"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

"You want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot tight little body and make me."

"Is everyone here very stoned?"

"Every night I save you."

"When I say, 'I love you,' it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman."

Aww, tear. And with that, I'm off.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Going through Emotions

Well, Adam and I are on a break. It's really sad to think that work has successfully fucked up what would have been an otherwise nearly flawless relationship. Ideally, we'll get back together eventually, once we can get our priorities straight. I hope so. Otherwise, I'll just feel like a cheap whore, and it's all fun and games until someone feels like a cheap whore. But I digress.

I'm amused by this blog commenting feud that's taking place on Tabula Rasa. It's strange.

I now have an arch nemesis, or something to that effect. I've never met this kid, but apparently, he violently dislikes me, and I'm OK with that. It's flattering in a way. People have this weird misconception that hate is the opposite of love, but it's not. Indifference is the opposite of love. Usually, complete strangers are indifferent to me, but not this one. Sigh.

I've started smoking clove cigarettes. I like how they smell. It reminds me of a happy time. I don't have many of those these days, so I need alcohol and cigarettes to make getting out of bed worth it. Yes, my friends, this is rock bottom. As Jerry Maguire would say, "Jump into my nightmare - the water's warm." Actually, in my nightmare, the water would either be freezing or scalding. Warm sounds alright.

In other news, the powers that be insisted that ending my relationship wasn't enough, so I'm also carless. The starter isn't letting anything start, so I'm going to have to replace it. Just as soon as I can get to the bank to deposit my check. Yikes.

The only good thing about this is that I don't have to buy gas. At $2.08 a gallon (and that's the lowest it's been in a while), being carless isn't so bad.

To make matters even further beyond worse, they're having to cut hours at work, so my broke ass will most likely be just as broke next month. Somehow, I must pay my bills.

Formal is Friday, and I'm going with Adam. Define awkward. I'm really nervous about that, because it will most likely be the first time I'll see him post world crashing down around me. By the way he's been acting, he's paralyzed with not caring very much. Insert cheap whore comment here ... again.

I'd like to think that he just doesn't know how to handle his feelings, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that men don't have them.

I'm sure my arch nemesis will have tons to gloat about given the current shitstorm in my life, so not to be outdone, I'll beat him to the punch, ala Eminem in 8 Mile, although I'm not sure I can make it rhyme, and even if I can, I probably won't.

I have no man. Being a workaholic has ruined the relationship, and now with hours being cut at work, being a workaholic isn't what it used to be. I pretty much have nowhere I belong. I've started smoking, and I drink more than I used to (who knew that was possible?). My car won't start, so I'm stuck home and can't do anything. There are times I don't eat because I can't get out to get food, and even if I could, I couldn't afford it. As it stands, I can't afford to pay all of my bills for the month, so unless I come into a large sum of money, I'm going to have to make a withdrawal from the Bank of Misty (generous sister who understands being poor and in college). My date to my sorority formal is my ex-boyfriend, and I couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse if I had a banana.

For future reference, bear in mind I can rip on myself way better than anyone else.

On a positive note, I had a great close tonight, because I got to work with T-Money, the Gregmeister, and the Zach Attack. They gave me a MUG Award, and I, being overly emotional right now, almost cried because it's so nice that someone notices I do show up to work and, you know, work. Hard. Yikes, I just admitted to almost crying. That's embarassing.

The other night, I got chained to the Tina's bed, and some of us had little too much fun with the Liquid Love (warming flavored massage oil). It tasted like cotton candy. And that's all I'll say about that.

And the song of the day: "Chelsea" by Counting Crows. Just a friendly reminder that the only thing I fell in love with that didn't hurt me was Manhattan. And I have been to Chelsea. In point of fact, the last time I was in Chelsea, I was shopping for Adam.

I never go to New York City these days
Something about the buildings in Chelsea just kills me
Maybe in a month or two,
Maybe when things are different for me,
Maybe when things are different for you
You know all of this shit just sticks in my head

Is there anything different these days?
The light in her eyes goes out
I never had light in my eyes anyway
Maybe things are different these days

It's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while
The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed
Something about the buildings in Chelsea just kills me
Something about the buildings in Chelsea just kills me

Is there anything different these days?
The light in her eyes goes out,
I never had light in my eyes anyway
Maybe things are different these days

I dream I'm in New York City some nights.
Angels flow down from all the buildings
Something about an angel just kills me
I keep hoping something will

Is there anything different these days?
The light in her eyes goes out,
I never had light in my eyes anyway
Maybe things are, maybe maybe maybe
Maybe things are, maybe maybe maybe maybe things are different,
Maybe things are different these days

The light goes out
I never had light in my eyes anyway
Maybe things are different ......these days.