Friday, May 27, 2005

Congratulations on Your Deflowering

The past 24 hours have been incredibly interesting, disrupting the normal ho-hum flow of my daily life.

Last night, Robert got back, so I went to his place for some good quality drinking time, and some Dead Like Me, which I vaguely remember at best. The only thing that really stood out was George saying something about watching homeless men rape her body. Yeah, digest that with a little too much Seagram's 7 and try to sleep at night.

At some point I fell asleep, but this didn't last. Matt called (I admit it - I screened the first time). Here's how I found out about the corruption (paraphrased, but quite accurately):

Matt: Memphis is burning!
Me: Fuck!
Matt: Well, not really, but a lot of legislators got arrested.
Me: Awesome! Can we get the story?
Matt: I'm going to the office to get a tape recorder and a laptop, and then I'm going to the capitol.
Me: Cool!
Matt: They're having a press conference at 11 on News Channel 5.
Me: I'm not where there's cable or good reception.
[translation: I'm at Robert's]

I then gave Robert a brief synopsis of the corruption before falling back asleep. Matt called a few more times; my dad called to wish me a happy Skynyrd Eve (at 10:30 a.m.); Clarke called. No one wanted me to sleep, other than me.

When I finally gave in to all the waking me up, something happened that made my day: I mentioned my Eminem excerpt from the last blog, and Robert actually rapped the better part of the entire song. It was great - I chimed in on occasion.

So the Tennessee legislators are corrupt. Neat. I have to add something here. This is actually on my myspace profile:

And now, a few things I like:
1) When authority figures get caught doing something really bad, like stealing money or fucking their secretaries.

Hahaha! I do love when that happens, for several reasons.

First, I really like the fact that I'm not corrupt. I like the moral high horse it puts me on. I can honestly say that I have never taken bribe money from a fake company as part of some operation Tennessee Waltz. That makes me feel good about being me.

Second, it's highly entertaining. What idiots! This really makes being a journalist fun, because it's that story that can really help you along in your career. Being as though I'm a mathematician, Matt will be writing the story, but I'm here for him to wake me up if need be, and I think that's something. At any rate, being as though he graduates in December, this will be good for Matt. Did I mention it's fun for me, too?

Third, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The system works! Bad guys do get caught. Usually these public figures get away with everything (ahem - McPhee), but this Ford guy is so fucked, and he's not even in "federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison" yet!

OK, enough gloating about how I'm not a corrupt politician.

At work I had entirely too much fun working with Greg and Vince. I always have too much fun working with them, but this time, it was WAY too much fun.

Vince came in circa 7:30, and the first thing he noticed (and pointed out) was the handcuff pair of earrings I had on. Well, he just HAD to tell Greg and Michael, and I'm pretty sure I turned red. It was amusing. Then I said something about wanting to work with girls again. But guy shift is so much fun!

Then later I was told I'm a good shift, and that made me feel better about my job, because I never really know how other people view me at work. Aww, shucks, guys - you rock, too!

During our productive evening of work, we discussed the Chantico drink and how it's named for some Aztec fire goddess or something equally bad. That got me thinking about all those sacrifices they did. Aside from cutting out hearts of live people, those crazy Aztecs were all about some virgin sacrifice. Ergo, I have developed this plan for avoiding being a virgin sacrifice:

**WARNING: ADULT CONTENT, ADULT LANGUAGE, NUDITY MAY BE INVOLVED, GRAPHIC LANGUAGE, AND OVERALL INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT DEAD AHEAD**

Some Tribal Fuckhead: Hey, we need to sacrifice a virgin, and we picked you.
Tribal Upstart: What? Fuck no! I'm no virgin! I'd be tainting the sacrifice, and the gods would have their vengence upon you, you mere mortal!
Fuckhead: Prove it.
Upstart: OK. All you have to do is have sex with me. You'll notice that there will be no blood, because my body is impure and not at all virginal.

[Fucking happens here, leading to two possible scenarios]

Scenario 1
Fuckhead: You weren't lying. You weren't a virgin.
Upstart: Damn right. And I think you owe me an apology for wanting to sacrifice me. Tribal Fuckhead.

Scenario 2
Fuckhead: You lied to me! You were a virgin! You did bleed, and you really weren't that good.
Upstart: Yeah, and you're no Don Juan yourself. And you've just deflowered a perfectly good sacrifice. Looks like somebody's getting thrown in the volcano tonight, you ignorant tribal fuckhead.

This is really a fail-safe plan. Either way, no sacrifice!

Sidebar: When I told ERICA about my first time, she actually said: "Congratulations on your deflowering."

I'm so glad my dad doesn't have this Web address.

After getting home from work (which took longer than usual because we had to maneuver through the gargantuan paper order), I decided to check the blogs, but no one has yet tackled this whole political brouhaha.

And now, the age-old debate (or at least the work question of the evening): What's the difference between a nook and a cranny?

Thanks to dictionary.com for helping me settle this one:

nook n.
1. A small corner, alcove, or recess, especially one in a large room.
2. A hidden or secluded spot.

cranny n.
A small opening, as in a wall or rock face; a crevice.

Well, now I can sleep easy. If no one calls.

Song of the day: The only thing that could be more fitting than "Tennessee Waltz" is an angst-ridden, profanity-filled Eminem version. Alas, no such song exists. We'll stick to the original, then.

I was dancin' with my darlin' to the Tennessee Waltz
When an old friend I happened to see
I introduced her to my loved one
And while they were dancin'
My friend stole my sweetheart from me.

I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz
Now I know just how much I have lost
Yes, I lost my little darlin' the night they were playing
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz.

I was dancin' with my darlin' to the Tennessee Waltz
When an old friend I happened to see
I introduced her to my loved one
And while they were dancin'
My friend stole my sweetheart from me.

I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz
Now I know just how much I have lost
Yes, I lost my little darlin' the night they were playing
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz
The beautiful Tennessee Waltz

2 comments:

Clarke said...

Wendy...
I love your blogs and I want to work with you....
Im done being a server in the waiting tables sence.
I want to be czar of the bean!
and I want it it bad/badly.
Let me know my chances...
Thank you oh Queen of the universe
~Clarke

Manda said...

That's a fool-proof plan to prevent you becoming a native sacrifice.

Know that, at some random time, I shall telephone you and yell, "MEMPHIS IS BURNING!"

...Twice.