Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Because I'm Bored...

*26 Questions That You Think No One Will Ever Ask You*

1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My stomach, if it's visible. If not, my eyes or my rack, depending on my mood/outfit.
2.How much cash do you have on you? $21
3.What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Rest
4.Favorite flower? White rose
5.Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? the MTSU Business Office baby
6.What is your main ring tone on your phone? "Explosive" by Bond (string quartet)
7.What shirt are you wearing? My Phi Chi formal shirt from May 2002
8.Do you "label" yourself, could you? I'm an intellectual elitist and a grammar snob
9.Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing? Nike...and that's not a question, so no question mark is needed.
10.Bright or Dark Room? dark
11.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Tina is my lil sis and one of my best friends!
12.Ever "spilled the beans"? I'm sure at some point in my life I have.
13.What were you doing at midnight last night? Your mom. Oh wait, that was the night before. I was...ummm...reading Descartes' Error or The Tao Is Silent
14.What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "How much was the first nite"
15.Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? Not on purpose
16.What's a saying that you say a lot? Your mom, fuck, that's funny - you didn't think of it
17.Who told you they loved you last? Tina, and that was Saturday
18.What happened to number 18? Bingo!
19.How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days? None, not even alcohol...OK, Allegra D
20.How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? Any picture I've taken since that formal I brought AGR Chris...so...since 2003
21.Favorite age you have been so far? I'm diggin' 22
22.Your worst enemy? FERN!!!! Or my alarm clock
23.What is your current desktop picture? Some Mac blueness
24.What was the last thing you said to someone? I told the photo editor I needed a volleyball picture
25.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret? I try not to have regrets - I think I'd take the million.
26.Do you love/like someone? Yep

Monday, October 24, 2005

"Have fun in your quagmire"

I haven't been blogging lately, mostly because I've been too busy enjoying my life. It's a good thing.

I'm dreading tonight's meeting. Yikes!

Here's what happened with Manda today:
Wendy: If you were me, what would you do?
Manda: I would ask.
Wendy: OK, if you were me and you didn't ask.
Manda: I would wait in a terrible quagmire of not knowing like you will.

Oh, Manda, how right you are.

Current mood: Aside from dreading the upcoming evening and it's stress, I'm still on boy high from last night. Bitchin'.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

And Then There Were Two...

My life is weird. Very very weird. That's all I've got.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Dodging Bullets One Coin Toss at a Time

I went to take a test this morning, one I wasn't even remotely prepared for, nor did I have any idea how to prepare for it. So I get to class and what should happen but this:

"I'm going to flip a coin four times. The number of heads I get is the number of people to a group."

Wha?! God bless you! I knew those sacrifices to the God of Statistics would pay off!

Suffice it to say that without my group, the test would've made me its bitch. Instead, I survived and got away with my slacking yet again. Someday I'll learn my lesson.

Maybe tomorrow! I have two tests (one in each of the classes I have tomorrow), so there's still a good chance I'll fuck something up before the week is over. The good news is I at least won't find out about it until after Fall Break. I can panic Wednesday.

It has occurred to me that I'm really FUCKED, and not in the good way. I know, I know, Manda, you fucked my mom in the good way. Now let's get back to ME.

Example the First: I'm behind in my classes, and it's midterms!

Example the Second: I have no forseeable free time to catch up.

Example the Third: I've grown to hate the one job that used to relax me.

Example the Fourth: The other job is just something I do to pay the bills. It's fun, but the shiny newness wore off long ago.

Example the Fifth: Football Sunday. As shallow as it sounds, I really enjoy spending my Sundays watching football. It's kind of been my thing. At the end of a long work week and school week, I really need to just scream at my television for a few hours. I have no more football Sundays! It's one of the few things that still relaxes me.

Example the Sixth: My savings account might as well be nonexistent.

Example the Seventh: It's quite possible I will never again drive an air-conditioned vehicle.

Example the Eighth: WTF?! The Yankees are out?! A-Rod, you let me down! Yes, I realize this is old news, but the shock hasn't worn off yet.

Example the Ninth: I'm still trying to finish my room. At least I've made progress.

That's right, my friends - it never rains hard enough.

But, you know, not to be a total downer, some aspects of my life are pretty bitchin'. And those I keep to myself, because even when your life is an open blog, you do need something to hang out to that's just yours, lest you start thinking you're a reality TV star.

There shouldn't even exist such a phrase as "reality TV star."

Tonight I did some much needed unwinding with ice cream and ESPN. Add some liquor and a recliner, and it's just what heaven is like. Or any fraternity house.

Song of the Day: Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar"

We got winners, we got losers
Chain smokers and boozers
And we got yuppies, we got bikers
We got thirsty hitchhikers
And the girls next door dress up like movie stars

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, I love this bar

We got cowboys, we got truckers
Broken-hearted foons and suckers
And we got hustlers, we got fighters
Early birds and all-nighters
And the veterans talk about their battle scars

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

I love this bar
It's my kind of place
Just walkin' through the front door
Puts a big smile on my face
It ain't too far, come as you are
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar

I've seen short skirts, we got high-techs
Blue-collared boys and rednecks
And we got lovers, lots of lookers
I've even seen dancing girls and hookers
And we like to drink our beer from a mason jar

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar
O, Yes I do

I like my truck (I like my truck)
I like my girlfriend (I like my girlfriend)
I like to take her out to dinner
I like a movie now and then

But I love this bar
It's my kind of place
Just trollin' around the on dance floor
Puts a big smile on my face
No cover charge, come as you are
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm I love this bar
Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm I just love this old bar

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bell Road Starbucks Heartache

Define awkward: I saw Nick Saturday at the AIDS walk. Then tonight we met up for a bit so he could read my cards. Conclusion: It doesn't hurt anymore. I think it probably stopped hurting shortly after he got married, but you never can tell until you actually see the person.

I find myself struggling through work at the office every day. I know that's a big source of all the stress I'm feeling, and I ought to just throw in the towel. I've never been one for giving up, though.

I've somehow let myself get behind in all of my classes. Wait, not all: I'm kicking ass in tap dance!

I miss Leslie. I wish she were here. Sometimes I just need the best friend since fourth grade.

I miss the hell out of JR. Come back already!

I danced tonight. It felt great to just let everything go. "Whatever you feel, dance it." Cheesy but true. Today I was tapping out my job frustration, hip-hopping away my financial woes, and then jazzing just for the hell of it.

I have a test at 8. I'm not even remotely prepared, but I'm going to try for it anyway.

Song of the Day: I'm really into Rob Thomas and the Wallflowers lately. Let's go with "The Beautiful Side of Somewhere" by the Wallflowers.

Tomorrow is gonna make you cry
It's gonna to make you kneel
Before it breaks you from inside
Still pressing on
Arm over arm
Still trying to get both feet back onto the ground
They are harvesting these fields in autumn.
We're different now than when we started

I am ready to wake up
There in the exodus
On the beautiful side of somewhere baby

There on the pavement
Underneath the yellow moon
I think of you
And just how easily we bruise
The folded address in my pocket I have stuffed
Trying to believe for you
That the bottom didn't drop
I am on the platform
Covered with dust
I pray they take the both of us

I am ready to wake up
There in the exodus
On the beautiful side of somewhere baby
I am ready to come down
To see us both somehow
On the beautiful side of somewhere someday

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

This Is What My Sarcastic Blogging Sounds Like

I woke up today and I thought, "Gee, I really hope I get done at the paper really early today and sit around waiting to leave only to find out two hours later that I have to redesign my page twice after my designer's already been given the green light to leave!"

Thank you, Sidelines, for making my dreams come true.

But It's a Good Pain

Tap definitely kicked my ass yesterday. Then Pilates kicked it some more. I'm aching now. My muscles are screaming, "Why? Why?"

In other news, I'm chilling in the office, waiting for the OK to leave. I finished my section before 5 p.m., though it looks like I still won't get out of here as early as I ought to, considering the kind of effort I've put into this week's issues.

Sad but true: I no longer care. I don't get paid enough to care. I don't even get paid enough to pretend to care. I'm currently counting down the days until I can leave this place behind.

It's a little sad, actually. It's lost it's magic. And it's no secret that I don't plan on hanging around, at least not in any editor capacity.

Aside from that, and the big ass bruise from the last blog, I had a hell of a weekend. It's goodness held me over through yesterday.

Last night, I started cleaning my room. Good for me! It really needed to be done, so that's good. I'm going to finish it tonight.

The Song of the Day isn't really a song of the day, just an excerpt from Dido's "Thank You."

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there’ll be hell today
I’m late for work again
And even if I’m there, they’ll all imply that I might not last the day

Me drink too much? Never.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Why I Should Stop Drinking

I have no idea how that happened. I didn't even feel it. It actually doesn't look that bad here - in person, I get a response along the lines of "Oh my God! What did you do?"

**This does not mean I'm going to stop drinking. Maybe I'll just stop running into things. I guess that's what I did.

Monday, October 03, 2005

"To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"

It's a terrible cliche that it's lonely at the top, but I'm starting to realize what that means. It's hard to believe that it's been almost six months since I became the president of the sorority.

It really changes your perspective on everything, including yourself.

Now, I have the burden of doing what's right for the group when it's not right for all the individual members. I have to enforce standards that my friends don't always live up to. I have to be strong for 23 women. I have no one to be strong for me.

There are days when I would just break down and cry if I had the time. There are days I wish I could just turn my phone off and sleep worry-free for just one night. But time is a luxury I don't have.

There are definite rewards, so I want to make that clear before I continue, but when it all comes down to it, good times are a reward for the sisters, and bad times go to me. I just have no one I can talk to about this, but I need to express it.

It has definitely changed me. I can't be who I want to be because that might interfere. The line between who I am and who I want to be is being overpowered by who I ought to be. I'm just not sure what I want right now I guess.

I took a quiz that said I'm Lynette from Desperate Housewives. I've seen bits and pieces of this show, but the quiz mentioned sacrifices and not being appreciated. That's me a lot.

It's like I'm not even here sometimes - even I can't really see me. I work so hard to do so many things for so many other people that I've put my own life on hold for the past three years. Now I feel like I've cheated myself, withheld me from me, and that's not right.

There are days when being a leader is one of the most rewarding experiences of my college career. Somedays, I just don't see why anyone would voluntarily do it. I guess that's why past presidents kept insisting that I really didn't want it. But then, I've been neglecting what I want for a while.

I wish we were stronger. We used to be. Now things have changed. Little things that used to not matter are a big deal, and things that shouldn't be issues are. Somehow along the way, we've all lost something. I know we can get it back, but I fear my loss is permanent.

I've given so many pieces of myself to others that I really don't have anything left, and yet I keep trying, bending over backward, to do something else for someone else. I'm the most obligated person I know.

My heart is in it, which is perhaps a problem. I've never really been able to separate my emotions in the way I would like. I wish I could keep business business and personal personal, but I'm not so talented.

I entangle myself. I'm emotionally involved in the sorority. I'm emotionally involved in my jobs. I couldn't give up if I wanted to, and I don't want to, although I know far too well that one of the jobs has to go soon.

I'm so needed right now, and it's killing me. I'm not wanted anywhere, but so many people rely on me, and I can't bear to let anyone down. Except myself. I've let myself down more times than I'd care to count.

I used to think I was a good person, that there was deep within me a genuinely good person. But I've failed so much that I'm not convinced anymore. Perhaps being good is an allusion. I imagine it's just relative, though I'm not sure to what.

The Devil situation certainly isn't helping matters. If there's one dark corner of my life I'd like to forget, that's it. I don't like to think of myself as being weak or vulnerable. I don't like feeling completely powerless. I don't always have to be in control as long as I'm not completely helpless.

I'm not afraid of many things. But that time in my life was dark, and I think it hardened me, made me different, made me something I don't like. I know it's just self-preservation and you do what you have to do, but that doesn't always mean you're proud of how you handle things. Hindsight it always 20/20. I wish I had done something, anything, instead of just freezing, trying to convince myself that it wasn't real when I knew that it was.

I don't like to admit needing anyone, but right now, I need someone to be my strength, because I'm stretched too thin trying to hold everything else together. I need someone to help hold me together.

For those reading this, please leave me a comment or something. I could use a reminder that I'm not the only one who cares about me.

"Just give me one thing I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The Devil Came from Alabama

We won! I cried. Yes, I cry at football. Laugh it up.

Then we partied in Red Boiling Springs. Good times.

Good times, that is, until The Chad mentioned The Devil. Apparently, he still exists. He told The Chad not to mention us because "She might hate me."

Really?! You think?! I went on some diatribe about how much I can't stand him, although I was careful to leave out details for people who probably couldn't handle them.

Time to sharpen the knife and break out the air pistol. This can only end badly.

It hasn't really sunk in yet, although I had a brief brush with reality at work when I had time to think about it, and I cried. But they were not good football tears of joy like before.

The very approprite song of the day: "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks
Mary Anne and Wanda were the best of friends
All through their high school days
Both members of the 4H Club
Both active in the FFA
After graduation Mary Anne went out lookin'
for a bright new world
Wanda looked all around this town
and all she found was Earl

Well it wasn't two weeks
after she got married that
Wanda started gettin' abused
She put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
And make-up to cover a bruise
Well she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care

Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atlanta
On a red eye midnight flight
She held Wanda's hand as they
worked out a plan
And it didn't take long to decided

That Earl had to die
Goodbye Earl
Those black-eyed peas
They tasted all right to me Earl
You're feeling weak
Why don't you lay down
and sleep Earl
Ain't it dark
Wrapped up in that tarp Earl

The cops by came to bring Earl in
They searched the house
high and low
Then they tipped their hats
and said "Thank You ladies
if you hear from him let us know"

Well the weeks went by and
Spring turned to Summer
And Summer faded into Fall
And it turns out he was a missing person
who nobody missed at all

So the girls bought some land
and a roadside stand
Out on Highway 109
They sell Tennessee ham
and strawberry jam
And they don't
lose any sleep at night 'cause

Earl had to die
Goodbye Earl
We need a break
Let's go out to the lake Earl
We'll pack a lunch
And stuff you in the trunk Earl
Well is that all right
Good let's go for a ride
Earl hey

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Here's Hoping We Avoid Interceptions

Wow! I've had two Lindsey phone calls in the past two days! And it's not even my birthday!

I'm about to jump in the shower and go to the Vandy/MT showdown that's got very little chance of ending well for the Blue Raiders. Vandy has yet to lose, and we have yet to win. Sigh.

I can't wait to see the old gang again tonight! Amber, Patrick, Lindsey, Cox, Nick, Amanda, and Kristin, just to name a few, are all coming in to watch the game. And to get hella drunk afterward. I'm all about that!

Afterward, we're all going to Cox's in Red Boiling Springs for some post-game goodness. I don't have to work until 10:30 a.m. tomorrow, so thanks to Whit for letting me come in an hour late. It helps with the debauchery.