Monday, October 03, 2005

"To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"

It's a terrible cliche that it's lonely at the top, but I'm starting to realize what that means. It's hard to believe that it's been almost six months since I became the president of the sorority.

It really changes your perspective on everything, including yourself.

Now, I have the burden of doing what's right for the group when it's not right for all the individual members. I have to enforce standards that my friends don't always live up to. I have to be strong for 23 women. I have no one to be strong for me.

There are days when I would just break down and cry if I had the time. There are days I wish I could just turn my phone off and sleep worry-free for just one night. But time is a luxury I don't have.

There are definite rewards, so I want to make that clear before I continue, but when it all comes down to it, good times are a reward for the sisters, and bad times go to me. I just have no one I can talk to about this, but I need to express it.

It has definitely changed me. I can't be who I want to be because that might interfere. The line between who I am and who I want to be is being overpowered by who I ought to be. I'm just not sure what I want right now I guess.

I took a quiz that said I'm Lynette from Desperate Housewives. I've seen bits and pieces of this show, but the quiz mentioned sacrifices and not being appreciated. That's me a lot.

It's like I'm not even here sometimes - even I can't really see me. I work so hard to do so many things for so many other people that I've put my own life on hold for the past three years. Now I feel like I've cheated myself, withheld me from me, and that's not right.

There are days when being a leader is one of the most rewarding experiences of my college career. Somedays, I just don't see why anyone would voluntarily do it. I guess that's why past presidents kept insisting that I really didn't want it. But then, I've been neglecting what I want for a while.

I wish we were stronger. We used to be. Now things have changed. Little things that used to not matter are a big deal, and things that shouldn't be issues are. Somehow along the way, we've all lost something. I know we can get it back, but I fear my loss is permanent.

I've given so many pieces of myself to others that I really don't have anything left, and yet I keep trying, bending over backward, to do something else for someone else. I'm the most obligated person I know.

My heart is in it, which is perhaps a problem. I've never really been able to separate my emotions in the way I would like. I wish I could keep business business and personal personal, but I'm not so talented.

I entangle myself. I'm emotionally involved in the sorority. I'm emotionally involved in my jobs. I couldn't give up if I wanted to, and I don't want to, although I know far too well that one of the jobs has to go soon.

I'm so needed right now, and it's killing me. I'm not wanted anywhere, but so many people rely on me, and I can't bear to let anyone down. Except myself. I've let myself down more times than I'd care to count.

I used to think I was a good person, that there was deep within me a genuinely good person. But I've failed so much that I'm not convinced anymore. Perhaps being good is an allusion. I imagine it's just relative, though I'm not sure to what.

The Devil situation certainly isn't helping matters. If there's one dark corner of my life I'd like to forget, that's it. I don't like to think of myself as being weak or vulnerable. I don't like feeling completely powerless. I don't always have to be in control as long as I'm not completely helpless.

I'm not afraid of many things. But that time in my life was dark, and I think it hardened me, made me different, made me something I don't like. I know it's just self-preservation and you do what you have to do, but that doesn't always mean you're proud of how you handle things. Hindsight it always 20/20. I wish I had done something, anything, instead of just freezing, trying to convince myself that it wasn't real when I knew that it was.

I don't like to admit needing anyone, but right now, I need someone to be my strength, because I'm stretched too thin trying to hold everything else together. I need someone to help hold me together.

For those reading this, please leave me a comment or something. I could use a reminder that I'm not the only one who cares about me.

"Just give me one thing I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"

5 comments:

theogeo said...

Wendy, lots of people care about you, but you're right — it is and always will be lonely at the top. Have faith in your instincts, do the best you can, and ride it out 'til the end. We don't grow unless we're challenged, and sometimes it's hard to see the point until the challenge is over and we can look back and see how far we've come.

The frustration and loneliness won't last forever, so don't give up.

Brandonian said...

Wendy,

We just made a Wendy's Mom joke at the office, but it was really sad, because there wasn't any response.

WE MISS YOU!!!

Manda said...

Wendy, *I* need you. You are one of the strongest, most intelligent and most beautiful women that I have ever known. If I could do something for you, I would, in a heartbeat, but I know that deep down, I'm just as bad, if not worse.

I just want you to know that there is someone who cares about you. If I could carry you, I would. You're my chika, my sorostitute. I love you. And I loved YOUR MOM last night, too.

...Oddly enough, I heard the Wendy's Mom joke, and Brandon's "We should call her!" and am now suprised that he commented here right when I was reading this.

yerrm00 said...

Being a leader is always the hardest and most rewarding aspects of a persons life. Take it from someone who has been there. It was an awful time, but I don't regret any of it. I grew and learned so much from the experience. These women are going to look back on this time in their lives and remember the awesome woman you are and what they learned from YOU. Whether you are a hard ass or taking one for the group, it's all about how you handled the situation and what you gained from it. You can't please everyone and that needs to be the first thing out the window. If they don't like it, they'll have to get over it. You have to learn to let things roll off your back because as much as they would like to give you shit, they don't want your position. YOU are the bigger person here! Don't let the demands of a leadership position get you down..learn and grow...and enjoy the ride!!! Alone as you may feel you never really are. You have your ex Presidents to vent to!

Clarke said...

Hey Puddin...looks like times are tough right now. If you ever care to use them I got to ears and some time. If you need someone to...
vent at / talk to / eat with give me a call.

Not that I have a clue what the hell I'm talking about, but I can imagine how being the "responsible one" can suck. You are in a possition reserved for great amazing awesome inteligent creative diligent people. Sweatheart.....you are all of these and more.

As a president your sisters will lean on you for all kinds of support. It is ok to lean back. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human.

I hope all in your world is in a constant state of upswing! Take care of yourself sweetheart.