Sunday, May 28, 2006

This Has to Hold You Over

OK, so here's a feast. I won't be blogging on Memorial Day because the lab is closed. Instead, I'll be working at the Bux for time and a half! Woot!

How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I think I was 18. I might have been 17. It was a store credit card to a furniture store that I never used, but just having it led me to my second credit card. Let's not talk about that one.

When was the last time you felt out of place?
I wish I were feeling introspective enough to answer this decently. I guess the better question is asking when was the last time I didn't feel out of place? I guess the best answer is the last time I went home and everyone was sleeping in different rooms. I realized then that my house wasn't my home anymore. My dad slept in my room, my sister slept on the upstairs couch, and I went back to Murfreesboro to sleep in my own empty house, alone with no cat and no roommate. My heart is homeless right now.

Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager? If so, what time did you have to be home?
It was 11 p.m. until I turned 18 and living at home - then it was midnight. However, if I called, I could be late. And a few times I just stayed over at Leslie's because she had no curfew. At that time, I gave my parents a 1 a.m. curfew (they had to call me if they were going to be out past 1) because of one night when no one came home until 3 a.m. and I was stalking about the house with a knife in one hand and a phone with the police on the line in the other, but that's a story for another blog. When I was 19, my mom made me call if I was still out at 6 a.m., which I did. I mean, really, a 6 a.m. curfew? What's the point?

Main Course
Name a person from history with whom you feel you have something in common.
Joan of Arc - I plan on being burned at the stake. OK, not really. Rene Descartes, a philosopher and mathematician. Need I say more?

When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I read newspapers? I check the news on my phone (I work too much to be able to read or watch news - it took me three days to hear about that tsunami). If I can actually see a paper, I skim the front page and do the puzzles.

Friday, May 26, 2006

If You Search for "Hooker"...

...apparently you end up here. So all you Johns out there looking for a pretty woman on Technorati: Go fuck yourself. Or not. I really don't care if you get off.

Isn't that odd? Maybe not. Maybe hookers actually blog about their nightly encounters in hopes that some poor schmuck will stumble upon them on some idle Internet search, sitting in front of his computer with a loose white T-shirt and stained plaid boxers, surrounded by Playboy and Maxim.

My syntax is a mess up there. Pay no attention to that chasm between the pronoun and the antecedent.

And this, oh ye searchers for Internet hookers, is why I will never sleep with you. I critique my own grammar on my blog, and you're frantically googling "antecedent."

I like being smart.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A Moderately Uplifting Post

Well, good news: I can pay for school! Thanks to all who offered support, both moral and financial. I owe a debt of gratitude to Joel, Lexi and Kammi, who chipped in to help me pay my debt to the school and my debt to my sister. It really means a lot.

My parents have inevitably gotten themselves involved in sending e-mails to the school, which is all fun because now e-mails from the school are going back to me, my parents, and even my sister. WTF?!

I've got to hand it to them - it's really a nice existence being under the delusion that higher-ups actually care. The head financial aid guy was helpful, although he actually told my parents I should work fewer hours. Right, and I'll just get evicted and live in the library. That's a capitol plan!

How is it that when nothing is your fault, everything is your fault? I'm not flawless by any means, but I can trace all this back to Fall 2004, when I was diagnosed with mono.

Now I'm finding myself doing things and considering things I never thought I would in order to get money for school in fall. What has happened to me?

And, just for the hell of it: This is just a friendly reminder that I am not a hooker or a stripper, so please stop with the assumptions. And if in some alternate reality I were, you wouldn't be able to afford me.

Monday, May 22, 2006

"I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain"

First off, thanks to everyone who has offered encouragement and condolences. "Everyone" largely includes people I've never actually met - you've all been much more supportive than I would have imagine, and certainly more so than most of the people I actually know. I guess I could ponder that, but I don't much feel like it right now.

I've talked to my dad, who told me not to worry because we'd work something out. However, even he, I think, realizes my options are limited, if they even exist. Today he sent me an e-mail that said: "Life sucks sometimes, huh?"

I've haven't talked to my mom yet. Mostly, I'm worried that she'll blame me, and I feel like shit enough as it is without any help from outside sources.

I still have to pay for the class I'm in now even though I won't be able to get credit for it if I haven't paid by Friday because I'll be dropped. And, no, I can't sell my book back, because I have no frickin' clue where the receipt is, assuming they'd even take it back this late, which I'm sure they won't.

Have you ever thought you had nothing else to lose, and then you've lost something? Have you ever thought you couldn't possibly cry any more tears, and yet they keep coming? Have you ever asked someone to stay the night with you because you're afraid of what you'll do if you're alone? And that's just this week.

I don't know what to do. I can't even being to wrap my brain around what I can possibly do. I guess it could be conceived as giving up, but I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling. I just want everything to stop, to be over. But it doesn't stop. It never stops. And this is what my life is going to be like from now on: debt and misery.

So, like I said, bring on the rain.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Cancel Those Flowers

Well, I've canceled my colposcopy. Before you get all freaking out on me, hear me out. I have to drop out of school. Ergo, I don't have insurance. I also don't have enough credit to get a private loan (thanks, in part, to all those medical bills in my name that I was erroneously led to believe were being paid). So I'm really fucked right now. And because I'm really fucked, I'm not going to do whatever it is they were going to do that would result in them telling me my cells are precancerous and nothing to worry about. See, I did all that right now, and it didn't cost me a penny.

Well, the school suspended my aid on May 16, one day after my first summer class started. You can see my frustration here. Not only was I not notified, but I was told I would be able to get a loan, AND now I'm fairly certain I'm stuck paying for this class regardless of whether or not I drop it. I'm still waiting to hear from them for sure, but that's what they led me to believe.

I have a few plans of how to raise the money, but they're either illegal or involve stripping, neither of which is appealing.

I know what you're thinking: Why don't your parents cosign for you?

Are you kidding me? They're living in separate rooms in the house, hardly speaking to each other, and this is all money-related. They don't have money. They don't have the credit to cosign for me, hence why I got stuck with a piece of shit, air conditioner-free Saturn instead of a new(er) car last year - they told me then that they weren't able to cosign for me.

Estimated graduation date: Yikes. I don't want to try to suss that out. I'll be missing that oh-so-important prerequisite AGAIN this year, making it at least two years to graduate whenever I get back.

In case you don't recall, my professor (oh let's just call him Dr. Khaliq) failed me last fall WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY. Yes, he's an asshole. I asked for an incomplete, which he wouldn't give me. I ended up with a W, which I thought was just him being a decent human being, but no. That was an error. It was changed to an F later.

I violently dislike that man. And MTSU. And let's just throw Siddy Mac in there for kicks, too. I dislike most of MTSU, except for the following people: Ron, Jack, Dr. Kholodnyi, Dr. Barlow, Dr. Fowler, Angela, Paco, Dr. Hollman, Porter, that pretty much sums it up. Oh yeah. Greek Life. And Jackie. And though I haven't had her yet, I've had some helpful chats with Dr. Green. They're swell!

If anyone knows how I can get $1176 quickly and legally, I'm open to suggestions.

Hey, let's do a feast!

What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
My psyche.

If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
This is an easy one: school and the American Cancer Society.

What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
"Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits

Main Course
You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Where they keep the frozen mice to feed Salazar. Hey, you asked.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I'm athletic, but not really built. I'm toned, and I dance and do Pilates, both of which require a great deal of strength and muscle control, but I'm not sporty athletic. I'd give me a 7.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Well, @%$^*&!

Yeah, remember how MTSU lost my form? Well, now something worse has happened: My financial aid is lost, too.

Yes, I'm aware I'm supposed to get a letter. I didn't.

When I registered for summer classes, the system said I was on financial aid probation for the summer. No big, right? Just pass my summer classes, which is easy because I'm all about some summer class.

Then I got online today and noticed an e-mail stating my loan had finally been sent to the school (OK, the word "finally" was added by yours truly). I signed on to PipelineMT and checked my account, which still didn't show the money. Thinking it was odd, I decided to check my holds.


WTF?! When did this little change occur? Why wasn't I notified? And, more importantly, HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO PAY FOR SCHOOL?!

I've sent an angry e-mail to the financial aid powers that be, and I plan to go there after my test tomorrow, but here's probably how it's going to go down (please, hold all cries of joy until I've left and returned with a weapon):

1) They'll realize it's a misunderstanding. Seriously, why was I allowed to apply for aid if I didn't qualify? I really hope that appeal deadline hasn't passed - they're supposed to send you that information when they send you the letter that says you've lost your aid. I'm also not to keen on appealing, as getting all those medical records AGAIN will cost me another $50 or so.

2) I'll have to drop out of school for a while, possibly permanently. I'll work at Starbucks until I'm 35, at which point I'll probably put a bullet in my head, because I'll end up in a loveless marriage with absolutely nothing, and I'm sure by then my family will have deteriorated to nothing.

So that's it. I'd cry but I'm in the business lab and don't feel like drawing attention to myself. I've also quit going to therapy (I'm too poor for that), and I'm not going to the shrink, and that little colposcopy thing is seeming more and more like a bad idea...

Send liquor. It's going to be a long few days.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

OK, I Cave AND On My Own

OK, to all the people who insisted I let the friendly gynecologist tell me I don't have cancer in a very expensive way, I cave.

I'm having the colposcopy June 9 at 1:20 p.m., so you people better call me or send strippers DVDs, puzzlebooks and candy. I'm not really into flowers, unless they're velvet Southern Belle Roses. Bonus points if you splurge for that!

I started class Monday, and as soon as I'm done typing this, I'm going to get the $100 book for it. Woot! Yeah, that's fake enthusiasm there.

So MTSU LOST my loan request sheet, and I had to fill it out again, so I don't have my money yet. I've been told it'll be in by the end of the week. If no, heads will roll. And possibly rock.

I've been moving into my new place, and I'm officially out of the old one now. I spent a good deal of yesterday cleaning and whatnot. Now I have lots of shit to unpack. Volunteers are welcome. You will be paid with your choice of Jack Daniel's, Jagermeister or Buttershots.

I have my own place now, and it's nice but kind of surreal. I'll go in depth with this later. It's been christened, too. I know you all think that means I fornicated all over the place, but it was an old-fashioned christening, complete with breaking champagne bottles. OK, I might be lying about that one. I'll try to be better about updating this.

Friday, May 12, 2006

"If I Had A Boat"

MEREDITH'S APARTMENT, TENN: Wow. I've been neglecting my little corner of the Internet for a while, but with good reason: There is no Internet access:( Oh, crap, I used an emoticon - I'm really missing being online.

So here I am, typing away at Meredith's, doing some laundry (everyone loves clean clothes) and trying to think of how I can sum up the last week or so without being so verbose as to scare you all off after a few paragraphs.

First off, for those who were concerned, thank you. My sister gave me a blank check. I'm paying her back this weekend. It's nice to have family.

I've been moving, packing up and whatnot. It's an odd thing, putting yourself into boxes. I've never moved by myself. In the past, I've had friends, boyfriends, and family come around to help, and we've just loaded up the truck and moved everything in one trip. This week, I've been bringing over boxes at a time. It's odd, yet strangely endearing. Does anyone else get that?

Here are a few things I've learned:

1) I have ENTIRELY too many pairs of shoes. They won't even all fit in one box, and these are only the ones I have here. I have many more pairs in Hendersonville.

2) I have a lot of coats, too. In fact, those wouldn't all fit in one box, and, like the shoes, I have many more coats in Hendersonville.

3) Working at Starbucks ensures free access to all the boxes and newspapers I could imagine. At least I'm saving cost on that.

4) Trying to move while working 9 straight days, including overtime, is STUPID.

5) Did I mention I have a lot of shoes and coats?

Wednesday night, Meredith worked for me so I could have some time off. I decided to spend it going out on the houseboat with Travis (not T-Money). I hadn't seen him in a long time (I'd ballpark it at two years).

We just hung out, did some catfish fishing, and got really hungry, eating a pint of ice cream and 80 cookies. It was a blast.

I just found out that my summer books will cost around $400, and the one I need on Monday is $100. So maybe I won't be paying my sister in full just yet.

My savings account now sits at $11 and some change. Don't you wish YOU had $11 in savings? Hell, that's about 4 gallons of gas. Woot!

On the agenda for the rest of the day:

1) Finish packing, even if it kills me.

2) Balance checkbook. Cry over how poor I am. Smile when I remember I'm getting a bonus at work, and I'm up for a raise in July.

3) Finish laundry.

4) Move as much as I can to my new place so that tomorrow I'm just moving furniture and unpacking.

5) Track down Cox to give him my spare key.

6) Do some Pilates. My arms are not as impressive as they were last week.

7) Eat. Really, I should.

I promise I'll be better about this in the future. The 24-hour lab on campus reopens Monday. Until then, stay classy.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I Hope Someone I Know Is Reading This

Ideally, my sister. See, of all the people I know, she's the most financially stable. So here is my open plea, to all who will listen, as I type in the business lab on campus from a computer that has keys that stick. It's impossible to type fast on this damned thing.

Dear Loved One,

Do you remember a time when I was working two jobs and taking a full load of classes? Of course you do - I only stopped the second job this semester. When I mentioned wanting to only work one job, I was told that I'd be helped out financially if I needed it.

Factoring in my incredible ego and pride, you must no doubt assume that I would never ask for money unless I truly needed it. Haven't I been financially independent for years now? Haven't I proved that I'm a responsible adult here?

I'm working overtime this week, so I've got money, I just don't HAVE it yet. I need it by this Friday, and I won't have it until next Friday. I'm not even asking for money here, just a loan. A week advance, if you will. Just a couple hundred to ensure my two rent checks this month don't bounce. Really, is that asking so much?

You'll be happy to know I don't waste my money on things like food and water. I live on Pop-Tarts, which are tasty and cheap. I drink whatever I can get free from work. I do Pilates to ensure my unhealthy diet doesn't fuck up my abs. I make ends meet.

I haven't refilled my migraine prescription in a few weeks. I haven't refilled my allergy prescription in a few months. I cancelled all four of my mental health appointments last week because I can't pay for them, including two with the psychiatrist, because, let's not kid ourselves: I can't afford the happy pills they want to give me.

Am I completely broke? Kind of. You see, I do have money coming in in the forseeable future. I'll have a nice paycheck next week, and once my financial aid comes in, I'll be able to replenish my savings account and maybe make a sizable dent in that damn credit card bill that keeps getting higher and higher every month. I'll also get some of my deposit money back from my current house.

But, until then, I'm broke. I'm more than broke - I'm completely shattered. And I haven't even factored in the medical bills that keep coming to my parents' house, because, clearly, they're not getting paid. Seriously, though, what are they going to do, repo my uterus? I don't have any assets. Thank God nothing is in my name.


Yes, despite my better judgement, I'll wake up tomorrow, call my dad and sister, and hope to get that loan. I'm more likely to ask my sister, because I know she has it to spare.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

"How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life"

Well, let's recap the past few days in a nutshell.

Thursday: Robert Earl Keen concert with my dad (front row, baby!), meeting up with the guys at the Boundary, heading over to South Street, being Robert's DD.

Friday: Meetings, dance show, hanging with Bambi and the guys, having a few drinks.

Saturday: Being awoken by loud door pounding for the SigEp cleaning day, lunch with Bambi, watched the draft before work, work, yadda yadda yadda (you really DON'T want to know, but I've never been so mad in my entire life), shaking from anger for an hour, texting a few random people at 6 a.m. (sorry if I woke you up), finally sleep.

Sunday: Woke up, told someone, "I violently dislike you" (I did at the time), went home to change for work, came back and got mildly violent, work, had a beer, watched Arrested Development.

Monday: Woke up, worked, went to Hickory Hollow and Best Buy, bought the CD from which the title comes, watched more Arrested Development while eating lots of bread, went to work to vill out an availability form (and really just to drive), went to BAS lab, typed this stuff.

And now, another late feast. Really, my eating schedule is whack.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how polite are you?
I'd say I'm around a 9 or 10. I'm nice. Unless I'm violently disliking you at the moment.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
The Big Lebowski. I love that movie.

Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Doug Funnie. I love Doug.

Main Course
Tell about the funniest teacher you ever had.
That's a tough one between Jack and Dr. Taylor. I'll go with Jack because I have him now. He's one of the philosophy professors, and I have this great memory of him one day going, "Why are you here?" and then answering with "No, really, what the fuck are you doing here? Go away." He's always entertaining.

Complete this sentence: I strongly believe that ______________________.
My credit card bill is really high. Seriously, that's all I can come up with right now.