"I like what she said, but not what it means"

So I've been looking 'round the Internet for something not depressing, and I found an interesting meme that looks fun, so, you know, sorry if it sucks, but did you really want to read more whining? I didn't think so. I'm also adding a line or two of lyrics, just for kicks.

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band (you pick your own band or artist)

Artist/band: Counting Crows (my favorite band - I can't wait to see them in August!)

Are you male or female: I Wish I Was a Girl
For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change
And I'm going down to Hollywood
They're gonna make a movie
From the things that they find crawling round my brain

Describe yourself: A Murder of One
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

How do some people feel about you: Love and Addiction
This picture you see is nothing like the one I wanted painted of me

How do you feel about yourself: Butterfly in Reverse
And everything that hurts you
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
And other perfect things

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: If I Could Give All My Love (or Richard Manuel Is Dead)
You were sleeping next to me
But I knew that you'd be gone

Describe where you want to be: Goin' Down to New York Town
Well I feel just like a freight train baby, running out of steam
I wanna go on down to New York town, but I'm stuck in between
And I could stay on here at home alone and have myself to thank
But I just made a billion dollars, and I don't wanna put it in the bank

Describe what you want to be: A Mona Lisa
All I want to say
Is everything's all right and I'm OK

Describe how you live: She Don't Want Nobody Near
She don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be

Describe how you love: We're Only Love
We're only love, at it's best or worst

Share a few words of wisdom: Shallow Days
I like what she said, but not what it means

"I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call; I don't believe in magic anymore"

I've been thinking quite a bit lately, a dangerous task I know. Walk with me for a bit down this memory trail.

I could count on one hand the number of guys who said they'd love me forever, and, truth be told, I'd still have a few fingers left over. So what does that mean? Was I lied to? If so, what would prompt someone into telling such a lie? Maybe at the time they really did think they would love me forever, and if that was the case, what changed? When did "forever" become synonymous with "until you're in a different time zone?"

I've had contact with two of them the past week, and I just don't know how to handle it. How can you have your past hurled at you and be expected to touch it, let alone understand it and try to find the elusive silver lining.

It's all disillusioning, especially when factoring in the possibility that no one will love me forever, that I'll just go about my days alone, blogging ridiculously long sentences in celebration of the current pity party. I'd like to think I'm better than that. I'd like to think a lot of things.

I've loved a lot, perhaps too much as my scarred heart indicates. And sometimes I think I will love some people forever. How do you live when that's the case? How do you drag yourself out of bed knowing that your best days have come and gone?

But I do drag myself out of bed every day, usually at least an hour before I want to. I get dressed, drive through the Tennessee heat with no air conditioning sweating out my impurities all the way to work. Then I put a smile on my face (I'm good at faking that) and spend eight hours making other people happy. It's not much, but it's something.

I leave you with Feast Ninety-Nine.

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you like your job?
Right now I'd give it a 9.

Soup
When was the last time you think you were lied to?
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing sometime around February was the last time I was lied about.

Salad
Share some lyrics from own of your favorite songs.
I can only assume this means "one of your favorite songs." My favorite song is "Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits. Enjoy these lyrics:
My door was standing open
Security was laid back and lax
But it was only my heart got broken
You must have had a pass key made out of wax
You played robbery with insolence
And I played the blues in twelve bars down Lover's Lane
And you never did have the inteligence to use
The twelve keys hanging off my chain

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

Main Course
What do you do/take when you are in pain?
It depends on the strength of pain. If it's mild, I just lie in bed and cry a bit. If it's bad, I take Vicodin. Relax, it's a prescription from the last time I was in bad pain. God bless the ER.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: My __________ is very __________.
My family is very fucked up.

"I wish that I was stronger, right now I feel as fragile as glass"

Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe? It's not pleasant, let me tell you.

I have two things in my life right now that I'm grateful for: 1) My sister, who I consider to be pretty much the only stable family I have; 2) My job, which is usually enjoyable and keeps a roof over my head.

Having said that, everything else is just shit. Yes, I appreciate having friends, but I don't even have those kind of relationships like I used to have. My friends all seem distant, like I might as well be living on another continent. Sure, people care and express interest, but it's not the same reaction I might have gotten if this shit happened in, say, high school. My house would have been flooded with people, flowers, ice cream, movies, and Monopoly.

Do you ever look back on your life and realized how fucked it is? Just counting all my losses in mind-boggling, and I'm a numbers-friendly person, usually. It's easier to count what I have. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever recover.

I have been remiss in the feasting lately, so here's a few past ones to perk you (or me) up.

Feast Ninety-Eight

Appetizer
What is a word that you use that would not be considered common?
Expletive! I can't curse at work, even when a ceramic plate breaks across my foot, so I just say, "Oh, expletive!" a few times a day.

Soup
What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?
I don't have a calendar of this year. I also don't ever check the weather in advance. I prefer to be completely oblivious and surprised all the time.

Salad
Name 3 people you speak with by telephone a regular basis.
Well isn't this embarrasing. I actually don't have three people I speak with on a regular basis.
1) My dad (probably daily)
2) Starbucks/people from my store (again, probably daily)
3) My voicemail, although I don't talk back

Main Course
If you could buy a new outfit for someone you know - who would it be and what would you purchase for them?
I'd buy Kammi's two-year-old daughter Sierra a cat costume, because, you know, that'd be really cute.

Dessert
What is the last beverage you drank?
An iced grande caramel vanilla latte. I made it myself!

Feast Ninety-Seven

Appetizer
About how much money did you spend on gas this week?
$20 today - not having air conditioning has its perks.

Soup
What is your favortite brand of toilet paper?
Charmin. I will spend the extra bucks.

Salad
When was the last time you discovered something that you thought was pure genius?
A few months ago, when I came up with the idea of having a Sharpie in each till so that partners wouldn't keep walking home with them after their shifts every day.

Main Course
What is the least amount of sleep you can get by on per night?
I'm going on less then four hours right now, and I'm just dandy.

Dessert
June is a popular month for weddings. Do you know anyone who is getting married this month?
Nope, though I'm sure someone is. Leslie got married last June.

Colpin' A Feel

For those who haven't heard yet, I finally had that colposcopy. Of course, this came after Wednesday, which might be my longest day ever. I went to an early meeting at work, went to the ER across the street, then came back and went to work some more. Yikes. Suffice it to say that the pelvic pain is coming back, and the only way to do anything that remotely resembles diagnosis is to do a pelvic exam, which hurts quite a bit when you're suffering from pelvic pain.

But I digress. The colposcopy (yes, I cried - it hurt) revealed that I have a mild case of precancerous cells in my cervix, which is what I expected it to say. Props to my gynecologist for realizing I was in so much pain and commenting, "I don't think you're going to let me do this biopsy." You are correct. So I did get out of some tissue being forcibly removed from my cervix. Woot!

The treatment plan right now is to watch it, do an ultrasound in a few weeks, then do a Pap in December. Ideally, it will have gone away by then. We can only hope.

I swear I tried to blog a few Fridays ago, but the damn site was down. Argh.

On the plus side: The ER doctor thought I worked in medicine because of my apparently impressive medical terminology.