"Blue Valentine" Overrated...by the MPAA

I saw Blue Valentine Saturday night, and I thought it was genius. That's not what this blog is about. I remember before it opened there was a big ordeal about the rating. Initially, it was given an NC-17. I'm happy to say they appealed the decision, and the film was given an R rating. Without changing anything. Which begs the question, what in this film would prompt an NC-17 rating?

It turns out, my idea is right on par with Ryan Gosling's, one of the film's stars. The most objectionable part of this film is...wait for it..SEX! Sex! You know, the thing that got us all here. But I'm not talking your typical plain vanilla romp is the sack. Nope, we're talking oral sex here! Horrifying!

Now, I know what you're thinking: oral sex is in TONS of movies with R ratings. I can't even count the number of blowjobs or blowjob references in various movies I've seen over the years. So what was wrong with this film's oral sex scene? It involved a man performing oral sex on a woman. THE HORROR!

Yes, apparently our moral compass thinks it's OK to showcase a man receiving oral sex in a movie, but not a woman. And actually, that's not entirely accurate - Black Swan got an R rating, but that's because it was a lesbian scene and, as well all know, it's OK because a lot of guys think it's hot.

This just infuriates me. A woman enjoying a sex act meant to focus solely on her pleasure is somehow more offensive than, say, a rape scene or a scene of extreme violence? When I think of something worthy of an NC-17 rating (which replaced the X rating in the '90s), I think of something like porn - you know, hardcore close-ups of real people bumping genitals. And I'd classify a video of Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face worthy of that rating as well.

But ACTORS in a sex scene of a married couple enjoying a sex act - come on, there are worse things to watch.

HAIKU, in the Style of Cee-Lo

I need an uplifting post for today, so this is just going to be fun. My wanderlust is coming back hard, and I just want to get on a plane to anywhere but here. Ideally, Europe - just start fresh on a new continent. The American dream doesn't work for me. Maybe the French or Italian one will.

So, while I mull all that over and contemplate my existence, here's a funny for you.

"Haiku" By Wendy Caldwell (with some help from Cee-lo Green)

I see you drivin'
'Round town with the book I love
And I'm like HAIKU!

Guess my Keats, Yeats, and Shakespeare wasn't enough
So I'm like HAIKU
Got to write some, too

See, if I was a poet
I just wouldn't know it
Ain't that some BYSSHE
(Ain't that some Bysshe)
I'm feelin' so stressed, and I'm tryin' my best
To write HAIKU

Five, seven, five, y'all
Well that's how to write it
But I really think that I suck this
Why not a sonnet?
Or an epic poem?
Or a catchy rhyming limerick?

I pity the fool who has to write HAIKU
(What's wrong with my iambs?
Or my green eggs and ham)
Ooh, I got some news for you
Yeah, go on and tell your professor

I see you drivin'
'Round town with the book I love
And I'm like HAIKU!

I guess my Keats, Yeats, and Shakespeare wasn't enough
So I'm like HAIKU
Got to write some, too

Yeah, if I was a poet
I just wouldn't know it
Ain't that some Bysshe
(Ain't that some Bysshe)
I'm feelin' so stressed and I'm tryin' my best
To write HAIKU

I know that I had to borrow
From my local library
Tryin' to read up, tryin' to speed up
On all this awful poetry

I pity the fool who has to write HAIKU
(What's wrong with my iambs?
Or my green eggs and ham)
Ooh, I got some news for you
Man, I really hate this class right now

Now, teacher, teacher, teacher
Why you wanna, wanna, put me through this?
(Through this, through this, through this)
I wrote a rhyming couplet
But you said it was your ass I should kiss
(Should kiss, should kiss, should kiss)
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I still can't, I can't HAIKU!

I see you drivin'
'Round town with the book I love
And I'm like HAIKU!

I guess my Keats, Yeats, and Shakespeare wasn't enough
So I'm like HAIKU
Got to write some, too

See, if I was a poet
I just wouldn't know it
Ain't that some Bysshe
(Ain't that some Bysshe)
And though I did try my best it is time to confess
I can't write HAIKU!

A Little More Talk and a Lot Less Action

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING: I don't care at all about anyone sending pictures of their body to anyone, unless one of those people is a minor and the other is not. Can anyone guess why? IT'S NOT NEWS! We've had the Internet for how long now? Have people still not caught on that the only reason we keep coming up with better technology is to get laid? Think of cell phones. You could call your significant other when they weren't at home! Then we got texting. And camera phones! Now video! You can actually make a porn on your phone, then send it to someone you met on Twitter and see what happens (hint: it won't end well).

So a few famous people figured this out and it's all over the news. Democrat, Republican, Communist, whatever: No one wants to see your junk. The only people who should see it are doctors and spouses. If you need to show off a little, don't be stupid enough to do it on your OWN TWITTER ACCOUNT! Start a fake account - geez, teenagers have figured this out.

Newsflash, United States: SEX IS NOT BAD. It's fun! It reduces the stress hormone, releases endorphins, and sometimes leads to more people. It isn't bad. It's not bad for you; it shouldn't be taboo. I think we should at least be able to look at this situation and say, "Screw abstinence only educating." The abstinence only people aren't that way because they were taught it in school. Usually that's a religious/moral thing.

So how did I come to this conclusion from a Twitpenis? Well, first off, he denied it. "I got hacked." No, sir. You thought you were good looking, and you wanted to see if you could still get the ladies, so you took a shot (and a photo) with a 21-year-old. Too bad you didn't snap a pic of your balls - they must be huge!

Why would one deny this? I know, he's a public figure and married and all that. But he said he felt ashamed. Ashamed? Of your penis? That's not normal. I'd be embarrassed I got caught and all my friends would be harassing me, but I wouldn't be ashamed. I don't find my body to be shameful. I don't think taking pictures that make you feel sexy is something to be ashamed of. If you pass them out to children, then, yes, be as ashamed as you want. But one adult sharing an intimate photo with another adult does not a scandal make.

Second, telling a teenager not to do something has never worked. Ever. Instead, when your teen is at the right age (not when YOU needed the talk - times change), ask him or her what questions they may have about sex, sexual health, their changing bodies, etc. Really. Start this before puberty. Our teen pregnancy rate is actually going down, so it works. I promise.

Why don't we try being HONEST with children about sex? Let's give them real sexual education, not just about what parts go where, but how you can respect your partner by always having a recent STD test, or how it's OK to wear clothes that flatter your figure. The more you know about sex, the better prepared you are for it.

Here, I present a few sexual mantras I live by (unless you're my grandmother - STOP READING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!) It's cool, guys. She doesn't read this blog.

Wendy's Rule Number One
Get tested. I get tested before and after each new partner, and every six months to catch any false negatives. Many infections transmitted sexually can be asymptomatic, so don't think that because you don't feel different you don't have anything. Better to be safe than sorry.

Wendy's Rule Number Two
Always wait until after your period (or placebo week) before changing sex partners. This is just something I find helpful - at least I won't end up on Maury Povich testing the 12th guy who is still "NOT THE FATHER." Come on, ladies. We can do better.

Wendy's Rule Number Three
TALK to each other, not at each other. If you can't talk to your partner about sex, don't have sex. It's quite simple. It means you aren't ready personally, or you aren't ready as a couple. If you can't tell your partner what you like, it isn't going to work.

Wendy's Rule Number Four
You're never THAT single. I said that to Leslie once, that I wasn't "that single" in reference to a guy. Keep your standards high. It's important to respect your own body just as much as your partner's. Stay safe, keep talking, don't ho it up. That's it!

This isn't just for teens, though. This applies to adults of all ages, and I'm especially thinking of the newly divorced who suddenly find themselves trying to date for the first time in a decade or more. You don't start dating where you left off - if you're dating now, you need to know the game. Set your own ground rules (not before x dates, not until x months, etc.) before you start dating. Talk to your doctor if you have health concerns.

OK. Diatribe over. Now, go send your Congressman a naked pic! (Kidding, but that would actually be HILARIOUS)