I'm Still Not Pregnant

So I haven't blogged in a month. It's true. But I have good reason - I've been sick.

Not "I have a cold" sick. More like "Oh dear God I have the plague and I've been in bed for a month" sick. Really, ask around - it's true. I have mono. But I didn't always have mono. At one time, I just had a terrible ear infection and a bad case of tonsilitis.

So I go to see this doctor on campus and he looks in my ear and goes "Ohhh" all concerned like. He then looks at my throat and makes another disapproving sound as though he was afraid of whatever was inside. Now, this is not a reaction I like getting from a doctor when he examines any part of my body. Actually, I don't much care for that reaction from anyone.

So, here I am, eight prescriptions, five doctor visits and an emergency room trip later. Still sick. Still infected by some crazy supervirus. Well, it's the mono, and some other infections.

And no, to all you smartasses out there (and believe me, I'm one of them), Adam doesn't have mono. And yes, he does still kiss me, even though I have mono. What a guy!

So at the ER, I of course had to wear one of those backless gowns that are not only backless but also nearly impossible to tie by yourself, especially if you can't move too well because you've got severe abdominal pain, the source of which you've yet to determine, hence the ER visit. And no, there is no chance I could be pregnant, but thanks for asking seven or eight times, just in case I forgot what it takes to make a baby. You know, if it were a possibility, I would've thought of that, because beginning at age 14 everytime I've had a stomach ache I've been asked that - AT LEAST TWICE. So back off with the pregnant talk, OK? Unless it's the baby Jesus, we can skip the pregnancy test disguised as a urine sample. I know you're gonna screen it for pregnancy. I wish everytime a man had a stomach ache some doctor or nurse asked him "Is there any chance you could've gotten someone pregnant?"

What comes to mind? "I shouldn't have worn a thong today." After they made me pee in a cup, the nurse man (who was really nice) came in to take my blood. Well, a few months ago I got this tattoo, and sometimes I forget I have it. I'll just be changing and look in the mirror and be like "Hey! That's cool!" but since I can't see it, I don't think about it much now. He commented on it, and of course, I follow with a witty "You're not going to believe this, but I'm terrible with needles."

So I cried for my dad, whined about missing Adam, and just generally had a bad time with the blood-taking experience. He did a good job, though; I'm just not one for bloodwork, especially since they took it last week to do the mono test.

JR's finally got around to updating his blog (ironically, I got onto him about never blogging and then I got more than a month without blogging), so I'm getting to read about life in the mother country. We still have no internet access at the apartment, but due to the doctor's order that I stay in bed and slowly waste away in Hendersonville for at least three days, I'm at the ready for the blogging.

Well, I'm off to get BACK in bed and do some more of that resting I've gotten so good at. What can I say - I get a lot of practice. But first, the top five perks of having mono.

• Everyone is really nice to you when they know you have the power to unleash the kind of germs that will floor them for a good month or so.
• It's fun to get! It's the "kissing disease" - awww yeah. Actually, I don't know how I got it. The doctors speculate that I got it because my resisitance was so low due to the ridiculous amount of other health problems I'd been having (remember the horrifying throat? I wasn't kidding about that) that it was easier for me to get. But having mono does make people wonder "Who have you been kissing?" You know, it helps with my pimp status.
• There is no such thing as a bad movie or TV show when you're lying on the couch in pain with a fever. It could've been the fever, or the fact that I was too weak to actually change the channel, but reruns of "Pimp My Ride" and the Real World/Road Rules battle of the sexes really aren't that bad.
• Side effects can be rewarding. They gave me some narcotic pain pill that I'm not supposed to take and drive because it can cause drowsiness. So last Saturday night I took it around 1:30 a.m., once I'd gotten home from work and made a quick bite to eat. I lay awake in bed until 8:15 when I got up for work, and I don't mean I was kind of drowsy and dozed a few minutes. I was wide the hell awake. But here's the thing: At work the next day, I didn't feel sleep deprived. I worked for 10 hours with no break (I never get breaks) and didn't feel any more tired than I usually do. Then it occurred to me: Duh! I took a narcotic! So I got a glimpse at what life would be like on speed: Stay up all night and never feel tired. Of course, I slept a really long time once I actually got home from work.
• It's like a mini vacation! Yeah, when you're sick and contagious, people pretty much leave you alone. I mean, no one wants to get mono, so say goodbye to people invading your personal space or wanting you to go sit at some crappy restaurant with a group of people and drink coffee for two hours. "Gee, I'd love to go, but I've got mono. I'm supposed to stay in bed. Otherwise, I'd be happy to help you rearrange your closet and alphabetize your pantry. Maybe when I get better in four to six weeks." I mean, by that time, they've forgotten. There is one exception to this: Adam doesn't leave me alone. Which is good! Because it's really good for the ego when you've been sick with mono for a month (don't worry, I'm getting to the ego boost) and your boyfriend rolls over and starts kissing your neck in his sleep. I mean, how sweet is that? Granted, he has no idea he's doing it, but it's still nice.

Now I'm going to bed, because the abdominal pain in coming back, most likely because my pain pill has worn off. And no, there's still no chance I could be pregnant.