I Got Rear-Ended in Hendersonville and All I Got Was This Lousy Concussion

Due to all the things going on in my life right now, I decided to take a leave of absence from work. It's for 30 days, and it will be unpaid. I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew that I had enough Starbucks stock to use during my leave. I sent in the paperwork yesterday afternoon.

Three hours later, I was rear-ended. The woman got out to see if I was OK, then told me she didn't have insurance. My aunt was a few cars behind and pulled over. She told me the damage was bad and that we needed to call the police. I asked her to call because my phone was in my pocket, and as she pulled out her cell phone, the woman god into the van, drove around the stopped traffic, ran and redlight, and got out of the county before police were able to get to her. Sigh. I gave both the police and my insurance company the license plate number.

Here's the kicker: I was sure I had uninsured/underinsured coverage. Well, I didn't. My claim is being filed under collision, even though I'm not the one who did the colliding. When I got my policy, I took a pretty high deductible on account of my excellent driving skills (I don't hit people - I have never had an at-fault accident, and in this instance, I was at a complete stop, as was the rest of the traffic on New Shackle). The bottom line is in order to get my car out of the shop I will need $1500, and after next Friday, I won't get another paycheck until December. Any stock I would have used will have to go toward living expenses during my leave. Yay.

I also have a concussion, which comes with a killer headache, nausea, and weak legs. Yay! Just what I need - a bruise on my brain. So I can't drive my car, which is fine because the woman's van took the bumper off. I hate my life.

"If You're Reading This, I'm Already Home"

A lot has happened over the past few weeks, and it's left me in a dark and lonely place. I know I don't update this often enough, but I like to believe that when I do, it is at least worthwhile. I don't like being vulnerable, but I've learned to see the benefits. I don't like being scared and lonely, but I guess they have their perks, too.

A few weeks ago my grandmother had a heart attack, followed by five bypasses. That weekend, my phone was cut off. My dad had told me he would keep me on his cell phone plan after the divorce. He didn't pay the bill. He didn't tell me. Friday, Sept. 21, my phone got cut off. That day, my best friend, Leslie, had her son, Joshua Jackson Reeves. The next morning, her husband, Josh, was killed in Iraq.

I know that all the grief I'm feeling is normal, or so I've read. I've read that it's normal that I can't function. I haven't lasted an 8-hour day at work since it happened. To top that off, the Tuesday after, my grandmother had a stroke, and is now in the hospital for rehab.

I can't sleep. I haven't slept through the night since Josh died. I cry every day. I can't function at work. I can't even do my job, and that's all I have in Chattanooga. It's the whole reason I'm there, and I can't even do it. I wake up scared. I have nightmares. Sometimes I even get physically ill. I can't do my job, and I can't be there for my friend. I feel so helpless and scared right now.

People keep telling me to get sleeping pills, or to get on with my life, get back to a routine. But I don't want to. I don't want to bury this. I am sad. I need to feel sad. I need to let this affect my life. I can't stand the thought of burying all this pain under coffee and paperwork. It just doesn't seem right.

I got some sleeping pills, but I don't want to take them. I am an emotional wreck right now. My parents divorced, my grandmother is in the hospital again, and my favorite person lost her favorite person. I'm so fragile, and I'm afraid that if I find something that makes this easier - makes this pain bearable - that I won't be able to let it go. It's a scary thing to have to look at yourself like that, and I like to think there's at least some wisdom in knowing what I may be capable of. It's frightening to be afraid of your own mind. I just don't want to let myself spiral, and I know I'm on the verge.

Josh's service is something I'll remember for the rest of my life. During the procession, people lined the streets, holding flags, crossing their hearts, saluting. Flags lined the streets leading up to the church, and all of the flags in the county were at half staff. Complete strangers not only pulled over but got out of their cars. Children watched in their parents arm, some saluting. It was the most moving display I have ever seen. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

But it's not fair. We aren't supposed to bury our friends. We aren't supposed to bury husbands and fathers, certainly not at our age. I've tried to make sense of it all, and I can't. I have given up. This is beyond any of my comprehension. I can only hope that time truly does heal wounds, because this is a gaping one.

When I was driving home from Georgia, from Josh's funeral, I was listening to "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw. During the chorus, I saw a falling star. Some cultures believe falling stars are souls on their way to heaven. I hope so. Seeing that gave me an odd peaceful feeling, like I knew Josh was OK, and that Leslie and Jackson will be OK.

"If You're Reading This" - Tim McGraw

If you’re reading this
My mommas sitting there
Looks like I only got a one-way ticket over here
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss
And war was just a game we played when we were kids
Well I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
I’m up here with God
And we’re both watching over you

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
Half way around the world
I won’t be there to see the birth of our little girl
I hope she looks like you
I hope she fights like me
Stands up for the innocent and the weak
I’m laying down my gun
I’m hanging up my boots
Tell dad I don’t regret that I followed in his shoes

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
I’m already home

If you’re reading this
There’s gonna come a day
When you move on and find someone else
And that’s okay
Just remember this
I’m in a better place
Where soldiers live in peace
And angels sing Amazing Grace

So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town
And know my soul
Is where my momma always prayed that it would go
And if you’re reading this
If you’re reading this
I’m already home

Exhausted. Send Prayers.

My grandmother had a heart attack Saturday night. My mom called me while I was driving in from Maryville. I spent four hours at the hospital that night, then spent another three tonight. I've got to be back around 5:30 in the morning before her surgery. She had surgery Saturday night, and she's having a quint bypass tomorrow morning. She has five difficult blockages. She looks OK, but she's scared, as are the rest of us.

Currently Feeling: Worried, Scared

"Back Where I Come From"

MARYVILLE, TN: Here I am, in the tiny town I lived in from birth until age 8. When I lived here, it was a dry town. Weird. And the mentality of the people is still somewhat reminiscent of that - we had some great moonshine last night!

My dad and Laura (his girlfriend) were there, and it was kind of weird seeing them all couple-like. I guess it's to be expected. But that isn't the weirdest thing by any means. Laura has some grandkids, and it's just strange to me to see my dad interacting like that. He's not supposed to experience that with kids that aren't mine or Misty's.

I haven't been feeling great lately, and it kind of worries me. I also STILL haven't gotten my deposit back from the apartment I moved out of in June. Bastards. I need my damn money. I've got a speeding ticket to pay. I also haven't heard back from my doc about my test results with all the precancerous bullshit, and I'm not worried about it, but I'd still rather know.

Spending time in Maryville has helped with the loneliness. Tomorrow I'm going to the Titans game. WOOT!

Ten Feet off the Ground

Update: Stealing Internet is hard when you don't have your Windows admin password. Thankfully, it isn't impossible. I'm at my sister's right now. I have a hair appointment tomorrow, and then I'm looking for shoes. I might not find the shoes I want, but I've found that I tend to spend my off days shoe shopping. What is wrong with me? I've got two full shoe racks and I've bought about 7 pairs of shoes since I moved to Chattanooga.

I have done some amazing things lately: I have successfully done a handstand push-up, against a wall for balance but not weight support (only my toes were on the wall). I have also lost an inch in my waist, and it somehow magically resurfaced in my chest. SCORE! I've also started working out more regularly. Good for me. I'm glad I'm finally getting off my lazy ass. It sure took a while.

Chattanooga update: I'm still lonely, and at least once a week I wonder what the hell I did. I doubt my abilities a lot, and I often find myself wondering how I'm not constantly fucking everything up. I'm also still far too introspective. Sigh. That part of me might never go away.

I think this has a lot to do with turning 25 in three months. I'm not where I thought I would be. I'm not even close. I need therapy. I don't have time for it, but I need it. I met my dad's girlfriend a few days ago. Did I mention I need therapy?

On the plus side, my body's finally not in embarrassing shape. I wore my skinny jeans last week (Abercrombie kids size 12)! I plan to celebrate with new blonde hair and some sweet metallic strappy sandals.

The song of the day, "Apologize." Sometimes it is too late. I think this might be one of those times.

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah yeah

I loved you with the fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late whoa.....

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off...

"The kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday"

That's right, I referenced the infamous sunscreen song. I'm back to blogging again. Yay. Look for frequent updates.

Why is it that the things you have to deal with most are things you thought you'd never have to face? Monday I was home I saw first-hand the kind of things that have been going on between my parents for a while now. It was scary. I never thought I'd be afraid in my own house, but I was. I had to leave and go to my aunt's house, because it freaked me out. I'm not going into specifics, so don't ask.

In a few days I'll go back to Chattanooga, and I won't know what to do. I can't do this alone. I can't go through the kinds of things I'm having to go through without friends and therapy. I'm not even sure how I can get through this. It's hard for me to see myself out of it, but I guess I'll have to, because there aren't any options. I just really wish I wasn't alone.

Earthquake!

OAKLAND, CA: Yep, there was a 3.2 around midnight last night. How awesome is that? It was kind of relaxing, really. Definitely not scary.

Today I am doing the car tour of San Francisco, including a trip to the beach, which is only about 60 degrees. What kind of beach is that? Weirdness.

Tonight is probably going to be Hot Yoga. WOOT! More updates to come.

"Where I Got Friends Who Care for Me"

OAKLAND, CA: I'm in California for my first vacation in three years, and it's definitely long overdue. Today I spent the morning in Berkeley, and visited the intersection of Virginia and La Loma, from the Counting Crows song "Perfect Blue Buildings."

A lot has happened to warrant the vaca - my parents' divorce was final last Friday. I've moved to Chattanooga, and while I tell people I'm doing OK there, I'm really not. I think I grind my teeth in my sleep on account of the stress, and my jaws are killing me.

We're hitting up a bar later tonight, then tomorrow I'm cruising around San Fran. Sometime this week, Erica and I are probably going to get in on some Hot Yoga. The weather here is nice. I could see myself moving here at some point. It seems fitting, as I have so much to run away from.

Good News: I Did Not Die

It's been a while, because I haven't had Internet in a year, and I stopped dating Internet-having people in the Spring. Excellent.

I'll make this short and sweet, with the best of intentions to update often.

Friday I move to Chattanooga to manage a Starbucks there. WOOT!

That is all for now. I plan to get a new computer within two months of being there.

Rules of Engagement: Part 2

Remember back when Travis got engaged? Well, now you do!

So he's married now. Again, not to me. And why am I bothered by this? I'm in a relationship, I know Travis and I would've been terrible together, so what is this sadness?

I assume it's my own realization that I'm not going to get all those things I wanted seeing (as how I'm 24 at the moment).

I won't be married by 22.

I won't have three kids by age 30.

I won't have a college degree by age 23.

How much more of my life is going to slip away before something changes?

So I'm going to drink away my pain. Because that's the irresponsible thing to do. But it makes me feel good.

At the risk of being redundant, this one goes out to someone who will never read this. For what it's worth, I enjoyed the ride.

"Champagne High" one more time

I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
"I do" and "I do"
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you'll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation

Bridge
and for the million hours that we were
well I'll smile and remember it all
then I'll turn and go
while your story's completed mine is a long way from done.

Chorus
Well I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high, high

Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine And so real - to me
And while I'm still gone
On the quest for my song
I'm at your - celebration

Bridge & Chorus

Your wagon's been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue...

Bridge

Well I'm on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high...high...
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone...

Only Six Months Until the Fourth of July!

Well, it's the fourth day of the new year, and this is the first I've gotten to blog about it. 2006 was a year of change for me, which I will recap later when I have the time.

First off, some resolutions:

1) Take better care of myself. That means exercising more regularly, eating more fruit (let's not kid ourselves - I'm not going to do the vegetable thing), sleeping when I'm tired, and taking vacations at least every eight months.

2) Stop neglecting my blog. This one's going to be hard, seeing as though I still don't have Internet access at my apartment. Maybe I'll get it. Probably not - my lease is up in four months.

3) Make strides in getting out of debt. This means I need to pay off at least one credit card, ideally two. I need to put some cushion money in savings (right now I have a paltry $200). I also need to live somewhere with fewer expenses ($300-$400 a month max), which probably means moving back home in May.

4) Stop bitching about my life and change it. For instance, if I'm not married by the time I'm 27, I'm moving. Something drastic, too, like across an ocean or something. If North America isn't showing me the love by then, it's time for a change of scenery.

The recap 2006 introspective blog will probably appear Sunday.