On a Scale of 330 to 830, I Scored: Suck

Have you ever gone to the free credit report site?

My rating is classified as...

VERY POOR!

You know, very poor, kinda like me!

I am in the 2.9 percentile. Boy, would I love to meet those 2.9.

So, in conclusion, I really need to marry someone with good credit. I mean phenomenal credit. Or come into a large sum of cash.

Any takers?

Not Again...

Well, I woke up yesterday morning in severe pain. That's right, friends - the pain is back. Hopefully it's just some freak coincidence that it's the same kind of pain I had before. Right now I'm on antibiotics to kill all the diseases I don't have.

I found a car! I'm buying a 2002 Ford Focus...and it's a stick shift! And, yes, I'm aware I don't know how to drive one, but my dad is teaching me. I couldn't turn town the bitchin' gas mileage. It even still smells like a new car!

Here's a feast for your reading enjoyment.

Appetizer
Create a new candle scent.
Clean laundry. I love clean laundry smell.

Soup
Name one way you show affection to others.
I'm an ass-grabber...OK, not really. I'm big on hugging.

Salad
What is your favorite writing instrument?
Gel pens! I love gel pens, especially metallic ones.

Main Course
If you were given $25 to spend anywhere online, from which site would you buy?
Victoria's Secret, although I probably couldn't buy much for $25. Maybe I'd hit up Godiva or something.

Dessert
Are you dressing up for Halloween? If so, what are you going to be?
If I'm well enough to go to a party, I'm going to be a pirate! If not, I'll be dressing up as a sick girl, complete with my Abercrombie hoodie and my sweat skirt - the best invention ever!

Does Anyone Want to Help Me Siphon Gas?

Well, friends, here I am, awake too early on my day off, about to head to Hendersonville for some quality car shopping time with mom. Special thanks to my sister for being my cosigner so that I can get an automobile that doesn't fuck up all the time.

I have $35 worth of gas in these unused cars. Anyone want to help me siphon it? Follow this link for some know-how.

I know I need a car, but the thought of EVEN MORE DEBT kind of makes me want to hurl. My student loan payments will be due soon, but I called them and will hopefully be able to get a forbearance. We shall see.

Well, what do you know: Another Feast!

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?
I have two: Mountain Dew and Malibu & Coke

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
Well, seeing as though I don't have one of these, let's just pick three things on Dan's computer desk: a Post-It with my work schedule (aww), a digital camera, and a very large Aladdin thermal mug about half full of change

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
I give me an 8, because while I don't lie, I can be passive-aggressive at times

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
I would change Murfreesboro to MTSU Parking Sucks, because, you know, it does. I know you all expected me to name a town after myself. Well, ha!

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
Car problems stress me out, specifically getting broken down in methtown...ooh wait! I'd change Manchester to MethTown. Anyway, yeah, that stresses me out. What calms me down? Cool Water incense, the smell of cloves, and pretty much anything with lots of chocolate in it. And a candlelit bubble bath.

Two months until I'm 24. I'm so old.

This Is Getting Ridiculous

Guess what happened two miles from the store last night?

MY CAR BROKE DOWN!

This means that I've had a breaking down moment three times in three days.

This time was scarier, though, because I was on 24, with no lighting, on the shoulder of Deliverance country. Yikes!

Not sure what to do now - both cars I drive are out of comission, and, as my mom put it, "We're out of cars."

I need a car. For that I need either a) a decent sum of money or b) a co-signer.

I'm open to suggestions.

Currently listening to: Not a damn thing
Currently feeling: Hopeless

"Piece of Shit Car" - Not the Adam Sandler Song

Well, what a joyous few days I've had. I wish there were some HTML code for sarcasm.

Actually, I've had a mix of days.

Wednesday, I had a run-in with the Devil. How in the hell, in all the bars in the greater Nashville area, do I end up at the same bar as the Devil? I mean, is this some kind of cruel karmic joke that I don't get because I'm still too traumatized to be in the same zip code as this person, let alone the same room? But I digress...

Friday, the car wouldn't start. I've been driving my dad's since my wouldn't start a few weeks ago. Well, shit. So now the red car, which used to be my car and is now my dad's, won't start. Guess what it needs? A battery! Well, hot damn! So I call my dad, who comes over to Dan's so we can get a new battery and then...TRY TO INSTALL IT!

This wouldn't normally be a blog-worthy task, but there's this metal mount thing over the battery, and it won't move! The screws are so happy to be holding my dead battery in place that they won't even budge - and my dad's a big guy. So, with some help from a hammer, screwdriver, and some vice grips, my dad proceeds to BREAK IT! I mean he literally tore the metal apart so we could lift it to replace the battery. This whole process took several hours, and I had to miss work.

Then, whilst driving home this afternoon, the transmission starts acting weird. I was stopping off at SmyrnaBux and had to gun the gas to get it to go into reverse, and then it started slipping. Now, I've known this transmission needed to be replaced for a while (Misty drove it for 120,000 miles and never serviced it), and I had planned to do it last year, but then the radiator was all fucked, so I had to replace that. I even asked for a transmission service for Christmas, but it wasn't meant to be. Well, wouldn't you know it, I'm in traffic on West End and BAM! The fucking car DIES at a red light. It took me a few times to get it started again, and I turned into the first parking lot and called Dan, and then my dad, because the damn thing won't shift.

SO THE TRANSMISSION IS GOING OUT!!!!

I'd make the font bigger, but there isn't a large enough font to convey my anger/humiliation/overall shitty luck.

On the plus side, I got Mannix back for a bit, but of course, it has only a quarter tank of gas, and I'd just filled up the red death machine an hour earlier.

I'm Ba-ack! OR Dress Me for Halloween

I know, I know, I know. I'm a very bad blogger. I shall spank myself later.

So here I am, chilling at Dan's whilst he's at work. Engineering. That's right - my boyfriend's an engineer. I'm such a grown-up!

I have lots to unravel for you, but I don't feel like doing it in one blog, and I'm quite certain none of you wants to read it, so here's a poll: What should I be for Halloween?

And the choices are...

A. Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy
B. Some kind of sexy cop
C. Some kind of sexy pirate
D. Bloodrayne

And, just for kicks, here's the most recent feast:

Appetizer
Name a song you know by heart.
"The Music of the Night" from The Phantom of the Opera. Actually, I'm quite certain I know that whole show by heart.

Soup
What will you absolutely not do in front of another person?
Shave. I know, I'm weird.

Salad
How often do you use mouthwash and what kind do you like?
Spearmint Listerine, or whatever the green one is. I like to use it after flossing.

Main Course
Finish this sentence: I am embarrassed when...
I lose a game or something in front of other people. I don't like this feast - it makes me sound all shallow. And makes me use phrases like "all shallow."

Dessert
What was the last food you craved?
Chocolate. When is it ever not chocolate?

The Concussion Blog

So I haven't blogged in a while. I have no Internet. And I really don't know why I'm blogging now because I have a mild concussion. I hit my head. With a migraine.

Now I know what it's like to be stupid. I keep saying stupid things, I don't have complete function of my brain, because I can't seem to grasp addition and counting as well as I used to. But it is kind of fun being a complete spaz for a day.

I'm getting a catten tomorrow! Soon after, I'll get some Internet, and then it'll be go time!

The Best Week Ever (Not the TV Show)

Yes, my friends, after much bad karma and bad luck, I have had the best week I have had in several years, despite the fact that I didn't get paid. More on that later.

Monday I was off. That was nice. Tuesday I had District Panel, which is a pre-panel. Panel is Starbucks' way of promoting for MIT (manager in training). You go before a panel of higher-ups, and they interview you for 45 minutes or so. If you pass, you get promoted. My District Panel went really well - apparently everyone was talking about how well at did at the District Meeting the next day. It went so well that they sent me to the real panel - Region Panel - on Thursday.

Thursday night, during our Friends and Family, Lavonne, our DM, called out, "Everybody stop what you're doing right now!" Naturally, everyone did, and then she said, "We all need to congratulate Wendy on her promotion!" And there were cheers, and we were merry.

What does this mean? Well, for starters, I get a hefty pay raise. It will probably be about double what I make now. I'll be on salary, but I'll also get overtime. I get to go to the district meetings and be on the conference call and maybe, in a year or so, I'll be managing a store.

I'm also getting my car back!

Remember back when Mannix died? Well, my dad got a new job (first and second interviews the same day as mine, actually), so he needs a car. My mom decided it would be cheaper to resurrect Mannix than to buy a new car. I asked for it back. She resisted. I asked my dad, and he said he didn't care, and that means...

NEXT WEEK I'LL HAVE AIR CONDITIONER! AND MY 10-DISC CD CHANGER, AND A FUNCTIONING SUN ROOF!

I took my driver's test in that car. I love it! Even though the windows still leave about half an inch open if you roll them all the way up.

Oh yeah - not getting paid. During the last pay period, I was working out of three different stores. I only got paid for the 8 hours I worked in Smyrna, and I freaked out because rent is due. I called my manager at 6 p.m. (4 in Seattle, thank God). They are over-nighting me a check. They offered to do a cash advance, but I didn't want to leave the store with a lot of cash last night - it was after midnight. So all is well.

"Are you still dating that girl?"

No, I'm not, to answer the weirdest question I was asked Saturday. In fact, I'm not entirely sure who "that girl" is, and the time that we allegedly dated escapes me, but, to be all formal and answer, I am not still dating this imaginary girl.

I'm also not dating the beautiful bass player from the Hendersonville Starbucks. He's gay, much to my surprise, as well as the surprise and utter amusement of Michael, who broke the news to me in a fit of laughter. The Michael - she's a kidder. Yes, it's a she.

I'm not dating your mother, either, but I might be using her for sex.

OK, so I'm sorry. I've been neglecting you, and it's because I've been really busy. I even missed my yearly Kevin Spacey celebration (I think he's a really good actor).

The air conditioning went out at my apartment a week ago, and I spent the better part of my afternoon and evening trying to convince myself that 87 degrees isn't really that hot.

I have district panel tomorrow, so I'll spend today - my only day off this week - freaking out about it, busying myself with such menial tasks as my resume and tidying the apartment.

Yesterday I enjoyed a lazy afternoon with Heather, during which we watched nearly the entire first season of Weeds. I had a dream about smoking pot from some homemade Survivoresque pipe constructed from feathers. I'm not sure how that worked, but it did.

I've managed to work out air conditioned transportation for my interview at the Belle Meade store tomorrow. I'm using my sister's car - she's in New Orleans for the week. I'm not supposed to tell my mom. I don't see how it matters, but I'm playing along.

I had some potentially bad news: Once school starts, I may not be able to be online for a while. I have no Internet at my apartment. Perhaps my wired friends will lend a hand.

Well, I'm off to check my 300 e-mails. Here's a feast for ya.

Appetizer
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?
The feather pot pipe was pretty entertaining.

Soup
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
I don't think I'd be a dog, and it's not a cop-out. I'm just not a dog person, and I know absolutely nothing about dogs, other than their needy, attention-starved nature and their uncanny ability to piss on the carpet. I'd be a puppy. Really any type of puppy would work.

Salad
Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."
I take naps in the winter and wake up after sundown. It always takes me a second to figure out what day it is.

Main Course
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.
My resume and cleaning my kitchen. And laundry. OK, so I'm a procrastinator. I also need to feed Salazar.

Dessert
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?
Malibu and Dr. Pepper, at Heather's last Tuesday. It was tasty.

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish OR Adeo Quod Gratiae pro Totus Piscis Piscis

By the way, if you translate that line back into English using some Web site, you get "To approach and thanks for whole fish."

Why the Latin? I'm glad you asked thought I was weird. It's in honor of my Governor's School roommate, Heather, with whom I had a delicious lunch and conversation Thursday. Let's break it down by comparing our lives (keep in mind she graduated high school in 2000, one year ahead of yours truly).

Heather went to Vanderbilt.
I spent one semester at Emory before I ran screaming to MTSU.

Heather has a boyfriend named Adam.
I have a boyfr...OK, I don't have a boyfriend. But I used to date an Adam. Midway through our courtship, he wanted to revert back to his first name, Dietrich, but I refused to go through the ordeal of explaining to everyone I know that my boyfriend wanted to be called something else. This, oddly, was not the demise of our relationship.

Heather teaches Latin.
I took Latin, but I really only paid attention about half the time. The rest of the time was spent tallying the number of times our teacher repeated various words and phrases.

Heather has a degree.
I have attempted enough hours for a degree.

I'm sure as time wears on, I'll have many more comparisons.

Guess what today is? Pay day! Also, it's Friday, and that means we need to feast on the past few weeks. This will hopefully make up for all the time I missed. I owe you Feasts 100 - 103.

Oh yeah. The title: I've officially left Smyrna and spent my first day at the new Manchester store. It's a nice store. I'm excited.

Feast 100

Appetizer
On average, approximately how many times per day do you yawn?
Probably only once or twice. I'm not as shallow a breather as I once was.

Soup
What was your most memorable school field trip?
I had a blast at the jail in second grade.

Salad
Fill in the blank: I was extremely __________________ this week.
Introspective. Right. As opposed to all those other weeks when I completely ignore myself. That's my sarcatstic typing. At any rate, I was introspective this week.

Main Course
Which color do you think of when you hear the word "soothing"?
A fountain...oh shit, that's not a color. I like of toothpaste green, like pale mint. I guess it reminds me of Aloe or something.

Dessert
What is something that, if you had to, you could save up the money to buy within one month?
A new toothbrush, and some work socks and pants.

Feast 101

Appetizer
When was the last time you visited a hospital?
I was in the Emergency Room a few weeks ago.

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how ambitious are you?
I think I vary between 8 and 9.5.

Salad
Make a sentence using the letters of a body part. (Example: (mouth) My other ukelele tings healthily.)
I'm going to choose everyone's favorite body part to scope out: Cervix. By the way, I had to backspace because I accidentally typed "boy part" - that would've been funny.
Could everyone resist violating innocent xylophones?

Main Course
If you were to start a club, what would the subject matter be, and what would you name it?
I'd start a Buffy club I guess, and I'd name it Staked, and the "t" would look like a cross.

Dessert
What color is the carpet/flooring in your home?
Beige.

Feast 102

Appetizer
Name one thing nice that you could do for someone else today.
I'm not going to see anyone else today, except for Salazar. I'll take him out of the cage and play with him, provided he's not still moody like he was last night. If that doesn't work, I guess I'll just pay a bill. That tends to please people.

Soup
When was the last time you were frightened by the weather?
Today. I was driving home from Manchester and the wind was blowing my car out of the lane. I called my dad to get a weather update.

Salad
What would you say is the most useful website or blog that you visit?
Google.

Main Course
Who was your favorite singer/group when you were a child?
Either Exile or The New Kids on the Block. Or Tiffany. I loved her.

Dessert
Do you have any rituals? If so, what are they?
Yes. On the third day of every month, I sacrifice a virgin. It's a little messy. OK, I do have one I actually do: Every time I count in at work, I face all the bills in the safe, in all the tills (if I open or close), and I count all the clips. I'm a little Rain Man-ish when it comes to money.

And finally, Feast 103.

Appetizer
Fill in the blanks: I ____________ when I _____________.
I take off my bra when I get home in the summer. It's usually the first thing I do because my car is so hot.

Soup
Name something you use to make your home smell good.
Incense, usually China Rain.

Salad
If you could receive a coupon in the mail for 50% off any product, what would you want it to be for?
A new car.

Main Course
Besides sleeping, what do you spend the majority of the hours of your typical day doing?
Working.

Dessert
What can you hear right now while answering these questions?
The hum of computers, and my click-clack typing on this godforsaken keyboard.

Separation Anxiety OR Mutant Cicadas Beware

I turned in my store and safe keys today. Weird. I'm going to Manchester on Friday, and we open two weeks after that. It's all a little strange, and I never thought it'd be so hard and exciting to change stores.

Friday I did something I never thought I'd do - I drank to feel better. It's odd when you realize you still have the ability to scare yourself. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I'm trying not to think too hard about it.

I've also tried not to think too hard about how dangerously close the poverty line and I are. I'm trying not to think.

I had a battle with a mutant cicada last night! And by "battle" I mean "refusing to enter my apartment and calling my manly man friends to kill it."

Seriously, this bug was freaky. And now it's dead.

I'm seriously considering changing my major and becoming an oncologist. More on this later.

I'm seriously overusing the word seriously. Seriously.

I'll be interesting later, but for now, let's have a song of the day: "How to Save a Life" by the Fray.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

"I like what she said, but not what it means"

So I've been looking 'round the Internet for something not depressing, and I found an interesting meme that looks fun, so, you know, sorry if it sucks, but did you really want to read more whining? I didn't think so. I'm also adding a line or two of lyrics, just for kicks.

Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY IN SONG TITLES by that band (you pick your own band or artist)

Artist/band: Counting Crows (my favorite band - I can't wait to see them in August!)

Are you male or female: I Wish I Was a Girl
For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change
And I'm going down to Hollywood
They're gonna make a movie
From the things that they find crawling round my brain

Describe yourself: A Murder of One
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

How do some people feel about you: Love and Addiction
This picture you see is nothing like the one I wanted painted of me

How do you feel about yourself: Butterfly in Reverse
And everything that hurts you
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
And other perfect things

Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: If I Could Give All My Love (or Richard Manuel Is Dead)
You were sleeping next to me
But I knew that you'd be gone

Describe where you want to be: Goin' Down to New York Town
Well I feel just like a freight train baby, running out of steam
I wanna go on down to New York town, but I'm stuck in between
And I could stay on here at home alone and have myself to thank
But I just made a billion dollars, and I don't wanna put it in the bank

Describe what you want to be: A Mona Lisa
All I want to say
Is everything's all right and I'm OK

Describe how you live: She Don't Want Nobody Near
She don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be

Describe how you love: We're Only Love
We're only love, at it's best or worst

Share a few words of wisdom: Shallow Days
I like what she said, but not what it means

"I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call; I don't believe in magic anymore"

I've been thinking quite a bit lately, a dangerous task I know. Walk with me for a bit down this memory trail.

I could count on one hand the number of guys who said they'd love me forever, and, truth be told, I'd still have a few fingers left over. So what does that mean? Was I lied to? If so, what would prompt someone into telling such a lie? Maybe at the time they really did think they would love me forever, and if that was the case, what changed? When did "forever" become synonymous with "until you're in a different time zone?"

I've had contact with two of them the past week, and I just don't know how to handle it. How can you have your past hurled at you and be expected to touch it, let alone understand it and try to find the elusive silver lining.

It's all disillusioning, especially when factoring in the possibility that no one will love me forever, that I'll just go about my days alone, blogging ridiculously long sentences in celebration of the current pity party. I'd like to think I'm better than that. I'd like to think a lot of things.

I've loved a lot, perhaps too much as my scarred heart indicates. And sometimes I think I will love some people forever. How do you live when that's the case? How do you drag yourself out of bed knowing that your best days have come and gone?

But I do drag myself out of bed every day, usually at least an hour before I want to. I get dressed, drive through the Tennessee heat with no air conditioning sweating out my impurities all the way to work. Then I put a smile on my face (I'm good at faking that) and spend eight hours making other people happy. It's not much, but it's something.

I leave you with Feast Ninety-Nine.

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you like your job?
Right now I'd give it a 9.

Soup
When was the last time you think you were lied to?
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing sometime around February was the last time I was lied about.

Salad
Share some lyrics from own of your favorite songs.
I can only assume this means "one of your favorite songs." My favorite song is "Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits. Enjoy these lyrics:
My door was standing open
Security was laid back and lax
But it was only my heart got broken
You must have had a pass key made out of wax
You played robbery with insolence
And I played the blues in twelve bars down Lover's Lane
And you never did have the inteligence to use
The twelve keys hanging off my chain

I don't know how it happened
It all took place so quick
But all I can do is hand it to you
And your latest trick

Main Course
What do you do/take when you are in pain?
It depends on the strength of pain. If it's mild, I just lie in bed and cry a bit. If it's bad, I take Vicodin. Relax, it's a prescription from the last time I was in bad pain. God bless the ER.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: My __________ is very __________.
My family is very fucked up.

"I wish that I was stronger, right now I feel as fragile as glass"

Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe? It's not pleasant, let me tell you.

I have two things in my life right now that I'm grateful for: 1) My sister, who I consider to be pretty much the only stable family I have; 2) My job, which is usually enjoyable and keeps a roof over my head.

Having said that, everything else is just shit. Yes, I appreciate having friends, but I don't even have those kind of relationships like I used to have. My friends all seem distant, like I might as well be living on another continent. Sure, people care and express interest, but it's not the same reaction I might have gotten if this shit happened in, say, high school. My house would have been flooded with people, flowers, ice cream, movies, and Monopoly.

Do you ever look back on your life and realized how fucked it is? Just counting all my losses in mind-boggling, and I'm a numbers-friendly person, usually. It's easier to count what I have. Sometimes I feel like I won't ever recover.

I have been remiss in the feasting lately, so here's a few past ones to perk you (or me) up.

Feast Ninety-Eight

Appetizer
What is a word that you use that would not be considered common?
Expletive! I can't curse at work, even when a ceramic plate breaks across my foot, so I just say, "Oh, expletive!" a few times a day.

Soup
What theme of calendar do you have on your wall this year?
I don't have a calendar of this year. I also don't ever check the weather in advance. I prefer to be completely oblivious and surprised all the time.

Salad
Name 3 people you speak with by telephone a regular basis.
Well isn't this embarrasing. I actually don't have three people I speak with on a regular basis.
1) My dad (probably daily)
2) Starbucks/people from my store (again, probably daily)
3) My voicemail, although I don't talk back

Main Course
If you could buy a new outfit for someone you know - who would it be and what would you purchase for them?
I'd buy Kammi's two-year-old daughter Sierra a cat costume, because, you know, that'd be really cute.

Dessert
What is the last beverage you drank?
An iced grande caramel vanilla latte. I made it myself!

Feast Ninety-Seven

Appetizer
About how much money did you spend on gas this week?
$20 today - not having air conditioning has its perks.

Soup
What is your favortite brand of toilet paper?
Charmin. I will spend the extra bucks.

Salad
When was the last time you discovered something that you thought was pure genius?
A few months ago, when I came up with the idea of having a Sharpie in each till so that partners wouldn't keep walking home with them after their shifts every day.

Main Course
What is the least amount of sleep you can get by on per night?
I'm going on less then four hours right now, and I'm just dandy.

Dessert
June is a popular month for weddings. Do you know anyone who is getting married this month?
Nope, though I'm sure someone is. Leslie got married last June.

Colpin' A Feel

For those who haven't heard yet, I finally had that colposcopy. Of course, this came after Wednesday, which might be my longest day ever. I went to an early meeting at work, went to the ER across the street, then came back and went to work some more. Yikes. Suffice it to say that the pelvic pain is coming back, and the only way to do anything that remotely resembles diagnosis is to do a pelvic exam, which hurts quite a bit when you're suffering from pelvic pain.

But I digress. The colposcopy (yes, I cried - it hurt) revealed that I have a mild case of precancerous cells in my cervix, which is what I expected it to say. Props to my gynecologist for realizing I was in so much pain and commenting, "I don't think you're going to let me do this biopsy." You are correct. So I did get out of some tissue being forcibly removed from my cervix. Woot!

The treatment plan right now is to watch it, do an ultrasound in a few weeks, then do a Pap in December. Ideally, it will have gone away by then. We can only hope.

I swear I tried to blog a few Fridays ago, but the damn site was down. Argh.

On the plus side: The ER doctor thought I worked in medicine because of my apparently impressive medical terminology.

This Has to Hold You Over

OK, so here's a feast. I won't be blogging on Memorial Day because the lab is closed. Instead, I'll be working at the Bux for time and a half! Woot!

Appetizer
How old were you when you got your first credit card?
I think I was 18. I might have been 17. It was a store credit card to a furniture store that I never used, but just having it led me to my second credit card. Let's not talk about that one.

Soup
When was the last time you felt out of place?
I wish I were feeling introspective enough to answer this decently. I guess the better question is asking when was the last time I didn't feel out of place? I guess the best answer is the last time I went home and everyone was sleeping in different rooms. I realized then that my house wasn't my home anymore. My dad slept in my room, my sister slept on the upstairs couch, and I went back to Murfreesboro to sleep in my own empty house, alone with no cat and no roommate. My heart is homeless right now.

Salad
Did you have a curfew when you were a teenager? If so, what time did you have to be home?
It was 11 p.m. until I turned 18 and living at home - then it was midnight. However, if I called, I could be late. And a few times I just stayed over at Leslie's because she had no curfew. At that time, I gave my parents a 1 a.m. curfew (they had to call me if they were going to be out past 1) because of one night when no one came home until 3 a.m. and I was stalking about the house with a knife in one hand and a phone with the police on the line in the other, but that's a story for another blog. When I was 19, my mom made me call if I was still out at 6 a.m., which I did. I mean, really, a 6 a.m. curfew? What's the point?

Main Course
Name a person from history with whom you feel you have something in common.
Joan of Arc - I plan on being burned at the stake. OK, not really. Rene Descartes, a philosopher and mathematician. Need I say more?

Dessert
When you read a newspaper, which section do you go for first?
I read newspapers? I check the news on my phone (I work too much to be able to read or watch news - it took me three days to hear about that tsunami). If I can actually see a paper, I skim the front page and do the puzzles.

If You Search for "Hooker"...

...apparently you end up here. So all you Johns out there looking for a pretty woman on Technorati: Go fuck yourself. Or not. I really don't care if you get off.

Isn't that odd? Maybe not. Maybe hookers actually blog about their nightly encounters in hopes that some poor schmuck will stumble upon them on some idle Internet search, sitting in front of his computer with a loose white T-shirt and stained plaid boxers, surrounded by Playboy and Maxim.

My syntax is a mess up there. Pay no attention to that chasm between the pronoun and the antecedent.

And this, oh ye searchers for Internet hookers, is why I will never sleep with you. I critique my own grammar on my blog, and you're frantically googling "antecedent."

I like being smart.

A Moderately Uplifting Post

Well, good news: I can pay for school! Thanks to all who offered support, both moral and financial. I owe a debt of gratitude to Joel, Lexi and Kammi, who chipped in to help me pay my debt to the school and my debt to my sister. It really means a lot.

My parents have inevitably gotten themselves involved in sending e-mails to the school, which is all fun because now e-mails from the school are going back to me, my parents, and even my sister. WTF?!

I've got to hand it to them - it's really a nice existence being under the delusion that higher-ups actually care. The head financial aid guy was helpful, although he actually told my parents I should work fewer hours. Right, and I'll just get evicted and live in the library. That's a capitol plan!

How is it that when nothing is your fault, everything is your fault? I'm not flawless by any means, but I can trace all this back to Fall 2004, when I was diagnosed with mono.

Now I'm finding myself doing things and considering things I never thought I would in order to get money for school in fall. What has happened to me?

And, just for the hell of it: This is just a friendly reminder that I am not a hooker or a stripper, so please stop with the assumptions. And if in some alternate reality I were, you wouldn't be able to afford me.

"I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain"

First off, thanks to everyone who has offered encouragement and condolences. "Everyone" largely includes people I've never actually met - you've all been much more supportive than I would have imagine, and certainly more so than most of the people I actually know. I guess I could ponder that, but I don't much feel like it right now.

I've talked to my dad, who told me not to worry because we'd work something out. However, even he, I think, realizes my options are limited, if they even exist. Today he sent me an e-mail that said: "Life sucks sometimes, huh?"

I've haven't talked to my mom yet. Mostly, I'm worried that she'll blame me, and I feel like shit enough as it is without any help from outside sources.

I still have to pay for the class I'm in now even though I won't be able to get credit for it if I haven't paid by Friday because I'll be dropped. And, no, I can't sell my book back, because I have no frickin' clue where the receipt is, assuming they'd even take it back this late, which I'm sure they won't.

Have you ever thought you had nothing else to lose, and then you've lost something? Have you ever thought you couldn't possibly cry any more tears, and yet they keep coming? Have you ever asked someone to stay the night with you because you're afraid of what you'll do if you're alone? And that's just this week.

I don't know what to do. I can't even being to wrap my brain around what I can possibly do. I guess it could be conceived as giving up, but I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of struggling. I just want everything to stop, to be over. But it doesn't stop. It never stops. And this is what my life is going to be like from now on: debt and misery.

So, like I said, bring on the rain.

Cancel Those Flowers

Well, I've canceled my colposcopy. Before you get all freaking out on me, hear me out. I have to drop out of school. Ergo, I don't have insurance. I also don't have enough credit to get a private loan (thanks, in part, to all those medical bills in my name that I was erroneously led to believe were being paid). So I'm really fucked right now. And because I'm really fucked, I'm not going to do whatever it is they were going to do that would result in them telling me my cells are precancerous and nothing to worry about. See, I did all that right now, and it didn't cost me a penny.

Well, the school suspended my aid on May 16, one day after my first summer class started. You can see my frustration here. Not only was I not notified, but I was told I would be able to get a loan, AND now I'm fairly certain I'm stuck paying for this class regardless of whether or not I drop it. I'm still waiting to hear from them for sure, but that's what they led me to believe.

I have a few plans of how to raise the money, but they're either illegal or involve stripping, neither of which is appealing.

I know what you're thinking: Why don't your parents cosign for you?

Are you kidding me? They're living in separate rooms in the house, hardly speaking to each other, and this is all money-related. They don't have money. They don't have the credit to cosign for me, hence why I got stuck with a piece of shit, air conditioner-free Saturn instead of a new(er) car last year - they told me then that they weren't able to cosign for me.

Estimated graduation date: Yikes. I don't want to try to suss that out. I'll be missing that oh-so-important prerequisite AGAIN this year, making it at least two years to graduate whenever I get back.

In case you don't recall, my professor (oh let's just call him Dr. Khaliq) failed me last fall WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY. Yes, he's an asshole. I asked for an incomplete, which he wouldn't give me. I ended up with a W, which I thought was just him being a decent human being, but no. That was an error. It was changed to an F later.

I violently dislike that man. And MTSU. And let's just throw Siddy Mac in there for kicks, too. I dislike most of MTSU, except for the following people: Ron, Jack, Dr. Kholodnyi, Dr. Barlow, Dr. Fowler, Angela, Paco, Dr. Hollman, Porter, and...no that pretty much sums it up. Oh yeah. Greek Life. And Jackie. And though I haven't had her yet, I've had some helpful chats with Dr. Green. They're swell!

If anyone knows how I can get $1176 quickly and legally, I'm open to suggestions.

Hey, let's do a feast!

Appetizer
What is the last thing you had to have repaired?
My psyche.

Soup
If someone gave you $2,000 with the stipulation that you had to spend half of it on yourself and give the rest to charity, where would you spend the $1,000 and which charity would receive your remaining $1,000?
This is an easy one: school and the American Cancer Society.

Salad
What is one of your favorite songs from the 1980s?
"Your Latest Trick" by Dire Straits

Main Course
You enter a pet store. Which section do you go to first?
Where they keep the frozen mice to feed Salazar. Hey, you asked.

Dessert
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how athletic are you?
I'm athletic, but not really built. I'm toned, and I dance and do Pilates, both of which require a great deal of strength and muscle control, but I'm not sporty athletic. I'd give me a 7.