Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Botched Execution of a Non-Plan OR Our Failed Attempt at Petty Larceny

Saturday night after work I hung out with some friends who shall remain nameless for the purpose of this blog.

For a few months now, we'd been discussing the haunted church of Chapel Hill. For the full story, click here.

The short rundown is that this church is haunted, and it has a haunted Bible in it - one that cannot leave the church. Stories we'd gathered about the Bible included a worst-case scenario of someone dying a month or so after touching the Bible and someone's car not starting until the Bible was removed from it. Yes, taking this Bible must be some back-asswards rite of passage.

Well, I met these nameless friends after work, and as soon as I come in, they say we're going to church.

Now, I haven't gone to church in a while, so I'm really confused about Saturday night church. Then they say it's the haunted church, and we're going to take the Bible.

We all pile in someone's vehicle (I have to ride bitch in the front seat), and we're off to Chapel Hill.

On the way, I decided to do some investigating on this little adventure.

"Does anybody have a flashlight?"

Nope, but someone did have a GameBoy Advance. We can light our way via Zelda - apparitions be damned!

"What are we going to do with the Bible?"

Well, no one thought that far ahead. I suggested dropping it off at a different church. I mean, we can't actually KEEP the Bible if we do get it. That's just inherently wrong.

"Do we have any weapons?"


"Jesus! This is a poor planning! You should've let me draw a diagram or something before."

Next item: How we're going to enter the church. GameBoy Advance Friend suggested I go in the back of the line, to which I responded, "FUCK YOU!" Yeah, I'm not going in last.

We then pondered our scary movie characters, and somehow I ended up being the slut, although I was quick to correct that I was not the slut but the tease - a totally different character. The slut's gonna die - the tease might have a shot. I got that title because I was wearing a tank top and black pants that make my ass look GREAT! I mean, really, it's amazing.

I, of course, was fixated on all the ways this haunted caper could go wrong. We passed a sign reading "Narrow Bridge" and I responded with "It won't be there on the way back!"

This went on for however long it look to get to Chapel Hill and was great fun. When we actually got to Chapel Hill, one of the two cops was parked in front of the Dollar General, and we had to drive by him/her at least three times.

We couldn't find the church! We did, however, pass a Church of Christ, the marquee of which kept going off when we drove by. That was weird.

We stopped at a gas station for cheap gas ($2.83!) and asked about the church. The chick working told us one of her former coworkers had gone with friends, and six of them couldn't lift the Bible. They had also videotaped the event, and a woman was up in the pews.

[Insert ghostly woooing here]

That sounds like a Lindsey blog title. Anyway, we couldn't find the church, but we now have precise directions and plan on going back to temp the fates once more.

Currently listening to: "Justy My Imagination" by the Cranberries
Currently feeling: Tired. Oh so very tired.


Tim Hardiman said...

Now that's compelling stuff. Let us know what happens on the return trip. I don't believe in ghosts or "haunted bibles" - but the stories are fetching reads.

Keep up the great work, not only here but at $tarbuck$ as well!

Blessed are the frappacino makers.

theogeo said...

Dooood, you have to go back and steal that sacred text! Preferably on Halloween. Or Friday the 14th next month, which is as close to Friday the 13th you're gonna get until January.