Saturday, September 10, 2005

"It seems like the daylight is coming and no one is watching but me"

I'm creating a wish list. Maybe someday I'll get to check some stuff off. We'll see.

1. I wish I were more intelligent.

Since I got to college, I feel that my IQ has dropped significantly. Naturally, I've learned a lot, but I just don't feel smart. I know I am, but I could be better. I try to surround myself with people who are smarter than I am, but they are gone now, working in the real world, overseas, in grad school, making the world safe for whatever is endangered: freedom, ideology, revolution, progress, change.

2. I wish I took more time to myself.

I do this for a while, but it soon takes a back seat to everyone else in my life. Why do I feel I am the least worthy of my time?

3. I wish I read at least one book for pleasure each month.

I usually have so much to do between school and both jobs that I barely have time to not do my homework and sleep through class. There are so many books that I want to read, along with all the ones I want to read again. I imagine being a workaholic will pay off someday, but I'm not convinced that it will be worth it.

4. I wish I were beautiful.

It's shallow, I know, but I grew up with a perfect sister, so I'm taking a little license here. Contrary to what my narcissism suggests, I don't think I'm that great. I'm not that impressed with myself. I wish I were, though. There are days when I'm completely satisfied and others when I know I'm just not there yet. I'm working on it, though.

5. I wish to publish something.

I've always loved writing, and it's one of the things I think I'm good at. I have inhibitions about sharing it with others, though.

6. I wish to get my PhD in mathematics.

I'm fascinated the more I learn, and I don't think I'll be satisfied until I make a valiant effort at learning all I can, or, at least, all I can at this moment.

7. I wish to get married someday.

I think it would be nice to have someone. I really don't know what that's like - being with the right person. I know what it's like to be with the wrong person, which is why I'm not married yet. I want to have a career, but I also want a family. I imagine some would say it's in our nature to further the species, but I think it comes down to one thing: It's not that I need someone to complete me, but I want someone to complement me. It's a different concept. However, it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that there is a good chance this will not happen. It seems to fit with anyone (at least, that has been the case thus far), I would have to alter who I am, and I'm not willing to sacrifice myself. I at least hold myself in that high of a regard. I have an ability to end comfortable relationships because I know they aren't right for me, and I find that trait to be a useful one.

8. I wish to dance in the rain.

I swear, I'm going to do this someday. I might as well, because I've been harping about it since at least middle school.

Bonus points for knowing what song the title comes from.

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