Thursday, September 29, 2005

"I'm gonna build me a boat with these two hands"


Wait. That wasn't good enough. I can do better.


That's more like it.

Why is it that I can't get a moment's peace no matter what I do? I mean, I'm seriously considering that coma thing again. Maybe I've never blogged about that. I've always had this theory that a safe coma would be kind of nice: No one would bother me, I could get some sleep, you know, normal coma stuff.

There is that threat of not waking up, though. I'm almost to the point of accepting that.

Granted, this has been a long time coming. Now I'm just sitting up listening to depressing music and wishing I could just cry, but I don't have time. And I haven't the energy, either.

I'm too busy trying to placate the rest of the planet. Sometimes, I wonder why I even get out of bed. I guess that explains why I sometimes don't.

So tonight I completely obliterated a target with the air pistol. Now there's a very large hole in the paper where the target used to be. At least I'm a decent shot.

I feel so overwhelmed right now. I was like that last night, too, so I went to Manderson's and threw darts for an hour. Enemies beware: I'm much better with the air pistol than with the darts.

It's so hard to be strong for everyone else. I'm used to being strong for a few people, but having to keep myself together for a large group isn't something I'm equipped to do. I just need a shoulder, and I want a drink. Which is why I didn't drink last night at Manderson's: It would've just been to feel better, and I don't want to drink to feel better. I only want to drink to get drunk or to have a good time. It's better that way. So last night I threw darts, and tonight I used the air pistol and danced. I wish I had some math homework to do - that always relaxes me.

In the meantime, I'll just be lying in bed, trying to let my mind go to sleep so my body can follow suit. To quote Chris Knight:

Someone cryin' in the hall
Good Lord help us all
While we try to stay afloat
If you would, Lord, send a boat

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