"All Feathers and Coke Cans"

This post is going to be sad because I'm depressed, and I'm really mad I'm depressed, because I fought that really hard back in the teenage years, and it took a lot for me to stop being depressed. And now, in just a short span of time, everything (almost) has gone completely to shit, and I'm depressed again.

Let's go through the brief medical history of me: Last fall, I got mono. I had it for two and half months. I had to keep working because I had no way to pay my rent and bills otherwise. Working 40 hours a week with mono is not easy, and keeping up with classes is especially not easy. I had to drop several of them due to my sickness and take some incompletes. I did, however, get As in the ones I kept.

Last spring, I started having terrible headaches and double vision in February. It was not meningitis (yay), but it took two months after lots of testing to get an appointment with the neurologist to figure out what it was: a two-month migraine. I got some meds to keep the headaches in check, but by then it was June, and the semester was over. Yep, you guessed it, I had to drop more classes. Have you ever tried to go to class with a migraine? It's impossible, and mine last a damn long time.

In the summer, my mono relapsed, and I had to take about five weeks off of work. The good news is I was able to stick with my two summer classes and pull straight As. Woot! But then I also found out I was on financial aid probation because of my last two sick semesters (they only look at pass rate - not GPA - and Ws and Is count against attempted hours).

So then I entered this fall semester ready to work my ass off. And I started OK. I aced my first few tests, except for my ridiculously hard ACSI 4200 test, which I think you have to BE the text book to understand. And then something BAD happened...

The migraines came back near the beginning of the semester, so they changed my medication to 40 mg instead of 30. Well, that made me sleep through my alarm for six hours, but 30 mg alone meant I'd have a migraine every day, and for the two weeks following Fall Break, I had a migraine every morning for at least four hours, sometimes longer. Yeah, try that and go to tap dance. So on Halloween I went back and they fixed me - added a new prescription that I was going to start taking as soon as I could get it filled (which wouldn't be until that Thursday, so don't think that's related to the next disaster).

And then, on Nov. 2 (a Wednesday), I woke up with the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. And it hasn't gotten better since. No amount of ultrasounds and CT scans and limited bloodwork has shown anything, so they're going in - via laparoscope - on Tuesday morning to solve the burning question: Why the fuck is Wendy's ovary in pain?!

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to keep up in my classes, and I just found out today that for at least one class, that's not possible. Now let's revisit that financial aid probation thing. Translation: It's definitely possible that I'll lose my financial aid. Can I appeal it? Yes. Will it work? God, I hope so.

Other things I might lose: My job (I'm reminded of this constantly - it's been on the line since I first had to call out when I was up all night on narcs trying not to die and praying that I would); my sanity (if it's not already gone - the jury is still out on that one); school (if I lose the aid, I can't afford it, because being out of work so long with sickness had made my savings account completely nonexistent).

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...and might lead to a disease being named after me. Neat!

At least I've managed to keep myself surrounded by decent people. It makes the everyday hell slightly rosier.

I'm debating going back to therapy. I'm not sure what good it would do, but I do think I'd feel a hell of a lot better if I could talk to somebody about how frustrating it is to spend your whole life working toward something to have it all ripped away from you when you're within a year of having it. Well, that about sums it up. And I saved some money.

I just feel so lost right now. There was a point when I had everything together, and now it's just unraveling, rather quickly, like Weezer's sweater. Undone. How poetic.

Currently Feeling: Depressed
Currently Listening To: Too Much Chatter in the Office

I can't be this pensive without a Song of the Day, especially because there hasn't been one in a while. Naturally, my depressing music is limited to such things as Counting Crows and Radiohead. So, instead of one song, here's some Counting Crows excerpts, because Adam Duritz is awesome.

"You’ve been waiting a long time
To fall down on your knees
Cut your hands
Cut yourself until you bleed
Fall asleep next to me" - Black and Blue

"It seems like the daylight is coming
And no one is watching but me
But I don’t mind the dark
Discovering the day
Cause the night is a beautiful bright blue and gray" - Goodnight LA

"I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new" - Holiday in Spain

"For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change
And I'm going down to Hollywood
They're gonna make a movie from the things
That they find crawling round my brain" - I Wish I Was A Girl

"There’s a girl in the basement coming out of her shell
And there are people who will say they knew me so well
I may not go to heaven..
I hope you go to hell!" - St. Robinson and His Cadillac Dream

"You could do better for yourself but not me
So please stay and keep me company.
All the while thinking this is the good luck
He stays with her most of the time
It takes time to make these machines work
And people are so unkind" - Good Luck

"So she takes her pills
Careful and round
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole
Bottle down
But she's trying to be a good girl
Give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of..." - Another Horsedreamer's Blues