Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I Make CT Scans Fun OR Just Another Reason Why I Should Not Be Allowed in Public

I had my CT scan today. I had a good yesterday - I was in less pain that is. I did pass out three times. Worse things have happened. It was all better last night though.

Then I go to my scan and right before I have it the woman noticed my navel ring (handcuff, of course) and said I had to take it out for the scan.

"I have metal on my underwear, too," says I.

(Insert puzzled look from technician here)

"I have a little metal zipper on my thong."

Yep, nothing like a thong-free CT scan to start the day off right.

So my doctor said I have two cysts in my ovary, but I shouldn't worry about it. Who's worried? I've only been bedridden since Nov. 2. I wasn't planning on worrying until, like, tomorrow. My parents are beyond worried.

However, they did tell me that I don't have a tumor or cancer! Woohoo! (I kind of suspected this, as I figured if they suspected it, I would've been warned. Is that how it works? Maybe I should ask someone.)

Doctor's newest diagnosis: pulled rectus abdominis.

How in the hell did I pull a muscle in my sleep? I don't understand how I went to bed fine on Nov. 1 and woke up feeling like I was going to die and kind of hoping it would happen on Nov. 2. I've had a lot of pulled muscles in my day, and this is not what they feel like.

Let's recap the health in the past few weeks.

Number of cysts I've been told I have:
1 (when I first saw the doctor)
0 (none present during ultrasound Nov. 7)
3 (2 present plus 1 ruptured as of Nov. 15)

Number of CT technicians who have seen my sheer black zipper thong:
1 (I just felt like adding that for dramatic effect)

Number of prescriptions I've had:
Antibiotics: 2
Anti-inflammatories: 2
Narcotic painkillers: 1
Muscle relaxers: 1
Allergy pills: 1

Number of prescriptions I already had:
Allergy pills: 1
Headache pills: 2
Nasal spray: 1

Number of months that tube in my ear has been partially block despite all these allergy pills, anti-inflammatories, and steriods:

Here's the kicker...

Number of times I've had a needle in me during all this:
Now, I hate bloodwork, but that seems fucked up. I'm guessing at this point, it's time to start checking out my blood. I'm sure it's pretty happy with all the drugs they're giving me.

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