Saturday, April 22, 2006

I'm Going to Try This My Way

I had a weird day. On my way to work, the car in front of me spun out across three lanes of traffic and ended up beyond the shoulder in the grass off 24. Yes, I stopped and made sure she was OK. I was really shaken up by the whole thing - I can't imagine how she was feeling.

While I was pulling pastries at work, there was a fight (fists and all) in the Chili's parking lot between a screaming, cursing woman and some man who apparently stole her car. In Smyrna. At Chili's. Yes, I think it's odd, too. I hate that I missed it, because it was quite a scene from what I hear. The chick got arrested (onlookers agree she clearly started it), and the man sped off in her SUV. What a world.

I came to a decision on my way to work, one that I'm sure will be unpopular to some. I've opted to refuse medical treatment about my Pap smear. On my way to work I got a call about a late bill from some past MRI or CT or something, and it's not the first time. I know my parents have problems, and I know most, if not all, are money related. I can't help but think that all of my medical bills sure aren't helping.

I can't watch my family fall apart. I'm 53 miles away, and it's tearing me apart at this distance. My therapy is going to cost me, and I KNOW there's something up with my head. I'm not all gung-ho about having some scope all in my cervix when it's probably going to yield nothing.

Statistically, I don't have cervical cancer. Most of the time, abnormal Paps aren't because of cancer. I'm going with the numbers on this one. I haven't had cancer yet, and they sure have tested me enough.

I know the argument: What if it's cancer?

OK, first off, I wasn't allowed to speak in hypothetical terms while growing up. I think that did me some good. Second, cervical cancer would take a damn long time to kill me, and I'd show other symptoms eventually, and, truth be told, I'm not sure I'd want to know. I'd rather think I were healthy.

No, I don't have a death wish. But, lately, I don't have too much to get all excited about rolling out of bed for, so I'm paralyzed with not caring. A colposcopy is expensive. Paps every three months are expensive. I did better handling my aunt's cancer than I did handling my dad leaving. My parents' situation is mostly beyond my control, but I can at least avoid adding more debt. I'll take my chances.


theogeo said...

Wendy, I don't think your parents' situation would be helped one iota if you were to get sick or find yourself in a situation where you could have avoided complications with early treatment.

Above all their problems, they care about you and want to see you healthy and living a long life.

You are a logical woman who appreciates math and science and all it can do for our quality of living. And while you may be feeling down, please remember that you won't always feel this way, and that getting sick would just compound your depression.

You deserve to be healthy, so please do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.

J. R. said...

I'm with LAT here, Wend.