Thursday, June 16, 2005

I See Your Two Tonsils, And I'll Raise You An Ectomy OR For Safer Sex, Just Remove Headboard

No, this does not mean I've jumped on the trendy bandwagon that is Texas Hold 'Em. I don't dislike the game, but I'd much rather play blackjack. Double down!

Tuesday morning I woke up to find my throat was so swollen I could barely swallow. Yikes! The weird thing - I'm not sick. Not even remotely. Other than the occasional headache, I feel normal. But my glands are freakin' huge! Or maybe it's my lymph nodes. I'm not sure if the swollen things secrete or not, and that's the difference between lymph and gland. But I digress.

I got to work just in time to be sent on my merry way. That was a nice surprise. Thanks to Rosa and Tracie for not forcing me to work with large tonsils.

I went to the ole Health Services, and Dr. Clark told me it was all because of my tonsils. That's right, folks, my tonsils are causing my glands and lymph nodes to swell and fluid to start buildling up in my ears. Yay!

Naturally, my thought is: So why do I still have them? Take them away! They just annoy me.

He said there's some question as to when to remove them in adults. Eh. I got a Z-pack, and if they're aren't better in a few days, I'm getting steroids-a-plenty (I'm allergic to other anti-inflammatories, as they contain sulfa).

At any rate, I've talked to my dad, and I'm thinking of just having them removed once my accounting class is over. By that time, I'll only have class on Monday and Wednesday nights, so I ought to be able to do a weekend surgery and be fine. Plus: Lots o' ice cream! Bonus!

Today I did something really stupid: I WORE THREE-INCH HEELS TO SCHOOL. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking: These look great with this outfit. What I should have been thinking: Dear Lord, I have to walk all over campus and up and down several flights of stairs. For the first time in my life, I took the elevator in the Mass Comm Building. Yep, I rode up shamelessly to the second floor, when the office is located at the top of the stairs. As a side note: The elevator totally smelled like a box of crayons. What's that about?

Tina and I both have tickets to Platform 9 3/4, but Tina doesn't know it yet. For the Harry Potter impaired (aka People Not As Cool As I Am), that means we've reserved and paid for copies of the book. Well, actually, I paid for them. Aren't I a good Big Sis? She's gonna like FREAK OUT when she sees it, too. I love being nice.

A special shout-out to the fine people of MTSU, who, while intent on making it impossible for me to get the classes I need to graduate in a decent amount of time, have at least been kind enough to cut me a refund check of $1657.00. I put $1000 in savings - it'll come in handy when they keep cutting my hours at work and I have to use it to pay the bills.

Speaking of bills, we've been in the house since April 23, and we still haven't gotten a water bill. They haven't cut it off yet, so they must think someone is paying it. Sweet.

Kari reminded me that her wedding (featured in "I Cried At Six Flags Over Jesus" - see last August's archive) didn't have that damn butterfly song, either. Thanks, Kari! I appreciate your good taste in music, and while I remember thinking at your wedding, "Hey, it's not the butterfly song," it did escape me when I was typing the blog. My profound apologies. But your wedding blog had a better title, so that's something.

In the not-too-distant future, the Tina and I are going snake shopping. I've been browsing online retailers for satin sheets, and I'm going to get some soon. But I'm not going to spend my refund money all at once. I've only had one drink in the month of June, and that's unacceptable, so I'm going drinking at my first available opportunity.

Speaking of things I consume too much, here are a few items that damn headache book insists I give up COMPLETELY, and some (hopefully) witty anecdotes as to why I can't give them up.

Before I begin, the book mentions that orgasms can cause headaches. Listen up, ladies (and gents): REMOVE YOUR HEADBOARD. It will probably solve the problem.

1. Caffeine - What? Are these people kidding me? My caffeine headache is WAY worse than any "migraine," so if it's all the same to you, I'll just keep chugging my Mountain Dew. And, yes, I know at least they used to make that caffeine free, but without Coke, what the hell am I supposed to order at bars? Malibu and Sprite? Jack and Orange Juice? And, by the way, I work at Starbucks. Caffeine pays my bills! Well, it tries to, anyway. At least when I'm working, the caffeine is free.

2. Chocolate - What kind of fascism is this? Why the hell do you think I eat chocolate in the first place? I mean, it's delicious, it produces happy feelings in my brain, and it has...CAFFEINE! Pay attention, book man, I'm an addict here.

3. MSG - OK, you got me. I'll give up MSG. As far as I can tell, everything is advertised as "NO MSG!" so it shouldn't be too hard to cut that out of my daily diet of caffeine and chocolate.

4. Processed meats and fish - Processed? That sounds kind of shady. If the package says "processed" I won't be eatin' it. Unless it's pork. It's understood that pork is processed heavily - hell, I read The Jungle. I vividly remember it, actually. It was late, I read it all in one night, stayed up until 6 a.m., and was about to finally fall asleep when the smoke detector went apeshit because the battery was dying. Removing the battery didn't help - backup charge or something. I think we ripped it out of the wall. I probably did. My dad was out of town. Any fire marshalls reading this: Yes, it works now, and there were two other smoke detectors within 15 feet of that one, so if the place were ablaze, we'd have noticed. Anyway, it says no to bacon. I say no to saying no to bacon. Twice last week I had "snacks" that were just 8 strips of bacon. Don't fuck with my bacon!

5. Cheese and other dairy products - Did you even READ my ice cream blog? OK, I love cheese, too. I'll give up drinking milk. Hell, I did that 19 years ago, and I've been fine, because I have "other dairy products" - fuck this migraine diet.

6. Nuts - I assume this means peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower seeds - Wait! Seeds are OK! How about scrotum? Haha! You didn't think I would go there, did you? You were thinking "Surely she won't do THAT." Oh, come on, you were thinking it, too.

7. Alcohol and vinegar - Umm, no alcohol is not an option. I'm 22. When I'm 46 and my liver is hanging on by an act of God and a bit of intestine, then I'll consider it. Vinegar was never a part of my diet to begin with, and neither was the word "diet."

And that, my friends, is only a sampling of what I can't eat/drink/guzzle anymore. I wonder if the Tina bought seeds at the store. That sounds good right about now.

I got my accounting test back today, and I got a B! I was only two points away from an A - bitchin'! I really surprised myself by my lack of fucking it up. I deserve a celebratory sunflower seed or two or 50. Woot! I just found them - we always buy them in twos - one jar for each of us. I hope this second jar is for me. I'm sure it is, and if it's not, well, I bought her Harry Potter book 7, so she won't care.

In other news, my throat is still so big I can hardly swallow at times, and I don't think I'm swallowing in my sleep as much as I ought to. Maybe I'll call the doctor again tomorrow.

As always, I intended to work on my room today, and as always, I didn't. I did take out the trash though, and I bought A Home At The End Of The World by the same guy who wrote The Hours. I do love to read.

By the way, there will be no blog July 16 as I will be at Hogwarts (translation: reading Harry Potter). Please do not call me on that day, July 17 or July 18, as I could quite possibly kill you. I'll let you know when I'm done.

Oh, in actual news, Terry Schiavo's autopsy showed "severe brain damage." No shit. Whatever happened to resting in peace? When I die, keep my brain status out of the news, unless the following words are included: brilliant, impressive, amazing, etc. No bad-mouthing my dead brain, OK?

Song of the day: "The Ascent of Man" by REM. It's awesome - buy Around the Sun now!

So hesitation pulled me back
I'm stronger when I don't attract
In your eyes I'm a lamb without a rack
And I am getting confused
I'm a cactus trying to be a canoe
As you pan for ore
In the desert, floored
I say to you

That I could never imagine a place so beautiful
I could never steal your gold away.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I came across like a battering ram
I try to float like a telegram sam
I'm trying to divine you.)

My book is called "The Ascent Of Man"
I marked your chapter with a catamaran
The accent's off
But I am what I am

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I came across like a battering ram
I try to float like a telegram sam
I'm trying to divine you.)

I looked for you, it's my last grandstand
A motorscootered goat legged pan
Figure eighting in quicksand ...

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I try to float like a telegram sam
I came across like a battering ram
I'm trying to divine you.)

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I try to float like a telegram sam
I came across like a battering ram
I'm trying to divine you.)

So hesitation pulled me back
I'm so in love I don't attract
And with my hands tied I won't crack
('Cause in my mind I called you back.)

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