Thursday, June 02, 2005

Why Don't We Drink Coffee And Screw?

Today is the two-month mark since I've had sex, so all you people out there who think I'm fucking up a storm are gravely mistaken.

I have, however, been fucked.

That's right, my friend, yours truly has been bent over and rammed by a company that didn't even have the common courtesy to buy me dinner or rub my neck first. Actually, we used to get free dinner every payday, but not anymore. So I guess they bought me dinner, but there's a statute of limitations between dinner-buying and fucking, and that time limit went flying by about a month ago.

So I can't pay my bills. At all. Not even close. Thank God I'm getting paid to take summer class, or I'd be fucked like, I dunno, who gets fucked a lot? Paris Hilton? Probably. That seems like as good a guess as any.

Anyway, I'm hoping that after two more months I'll be well on my way to fuckery again. Is that a word? Probably not. Oh well.

Last night I had a dream about Lindsey's blog. Today I woke up, and, naturally, had to check it, only to find a title so clever it could have rivaled my own: [You suck, Dick]. Well done, Lindsey. Those of us with good senses of humor thank you.

Katie is having a Sugar and Spice party next Friday, and I'm going to buy Liquid Love I think. Mmmmm - tasty and useful, all at the same time! Anyway, I just typed, and I swear these are the headings: "Free Porn" "Sex Toys" "Paris Hilton." So the reference earlier was justified. I'm so amused.

I went to Sonic to get a chocolate cream pie shake, and I didn't even get a straw! What fascists!

I had an interesting discussion with Brandonian today. Here's what happened, paraphrased but almost accurate. You know, like Fox News. Ooh! Snap!

Brandonian: That's a nice shirt. Is it Catwoman?
Me: I don't know. It just is.
Brandonian: Well, it has the kind of S&M look to pass for Batman.
Me: Thanks. I want my clothing to say "I like to hurt people."

Going back to my Fox News comment, I have to admit something TERRIBLE happened today. Whilst in the Sidelines office having an editorial board meeting, I had a conservative moment.

Someone: You can't keep politicians from being corrupt.
Me: You can shoot them! Put a bullet in his head and tell me if he doesn't stop taking bribes. (pause) Oh no! Make me stop! Hit me!
Manda: Slap her!
Me: Slap me! (holding out hand)
Matt: (slaps Wendy's hand)

I can't say I let the Republican in me out, because there is no Republican in me. I then redeemed myself with this comment about term limits:

Me: If we didn't have them, we might have four more years of Bush. Who here wants four more years of Bush. (pause, no one raises a hand) Somewhere in Texas, one guy just said "Aye."
All: (laughter)

Matt left himself logged in on facebook again, so I happily wrote all kinds of nice things on my wall under his name. He never learns.

Last night at work, I was talking to Vince about how much I despise accounting. Here's yet another paraphrase:

Vince: You're not going to be an accountant, right?
Me: No. I hate it, mostly because I suck at it. Accounts payable, accounts receivable, accounts fuckable. It's all the same to me.

See, Wendy's accounting is fun!

Thanks to Lindsey for putting a band name generator on JR's blog. Let's come up with a few fun band names for accountants:
Diverse Accounts and the Blonde Afro
Accounts Rabid
Accounts of the Suffering

OK, that's enough for one day. Hopefully, there aren't any accountants out there reading this to find a happenin' name for their band. If there are, I'd go with the first one. Everyone loves a blonde afro.

Instead of a song today, here's an excerpt from a great online cartoon. Just another way to saying "Thanks for helping me waste time when I ought to be doing something productive."

"It's a fuckin' pack of matches! Wheeee matches! Fire on a stick!" - Foamy


theogeo said...

As much as I'd like to claim said witticism for myself, I can't. It's a quote from the movie, Dick. The two girls hold up a sign for Nixon that says, "You suck, Dick. Love, Deep Throat."

Keep that a secret, would you? :)

Manda said...

I would just like the bask in the fact that you're terribly witty. Even if you are a closet Republican. XD