This Public Service Announcement Is Brought to You by Common Sense and Lack of Desperation OR Just Another Reason Why I'm Still Single

Here is something I cannot stand:

"hey babe. whats good? how r u? hit me back asap. i'd like 2 get 2 no u better."

Grievance The First: "hey babe" Babe? Excuse me? Did I lose a few decades or something? Now, this doesn't apply to all of you, as people who know me can pretty much get away with calling me whatever they want, but complete strangers beware: I am not, nor ever will be, your babe.

Grievance The Second: whats good? I don't know whats good, and I don't know what's good, either. The answer, of course, cannot be your grammar or spelling, nor can it be your general grasp of the English language. It's paltry at best.

Grievance The Third: how r u? I'm fine, but I'd be better if you'd take the time to spell out three-letter words. It helps your case. I mean, if you can't even take the time to type out the word "you," what does that say about your character? Are you that negligent in all aspects of your life? Luckily, I don't care.

Grievance The Fourth: hit me back asap Hit you back? Why? Are you going to hit me first? God, I hope not, because I'm quite certain the best case scenario would be a slow, painful death at the hands of my father and one of his guns. However, by this point, I'm really wanting to hit you, so maybe I'll take you up on that offer.

Grievance The Last: i'd like 2 get 2 no u better The only correct part here is "no" - as in, that's the answer you'll get from me. I'm amazed you didn't say "gooder." So many errors, so little time.

Please keep these simple guidelines in mind when attempting to contact me, as I am obviously an elitist who insists my companions not totally fuck up a five-sentence message.