The Day Smyrna Took Off

I didn't do this Friday, because, apparently, the entire town of Smyrna had the day off work and invaded my store. Afterward I drank something green. It was Everclear, vodka and green something. It was delicious. At long last, I present Friday's Feast.

Appetizer
What job would you definitely not want to have?
There are two: anesthesiologist (I would pass out several times a day seeing all that needle-in-vein action) and George W. Bush's speech writer. I imagine that person has to go through several edits to get words that are hard to fuck up.

Soup
Oprah calls and wants you to appear on her show. What would that day's show be about?
I'm going to optimistic and say my recent and unsuspected marriage to Johnny Depp.

Salad
Name 3 vegetables that you eat on a regular basis.
I don't really eat vegetables on a regular basis, but let's pretend like I do. Here's what they would be: green books cooked with a pack of bacon, corn grilled and wrapped in bacon, baked potato with butter, cheese and bacon. Do you notice a recurring theme?

Main Course
If you were commissioned to rename your hometown, what would you call it?
I think it'd be safe to rename Hendersonville one of the following: Suburbia; Classy Gallatin; Poor Man's Brentwood; Soccer Mom Town

Dessert
If you had a personal assistant, what kind of tasks would you have them to do?
Correct grammar in everything I read before it gets to me, like so: "If you had a personal assistant, what kind of tasks would you have him or her do?" That's much better. One personal assistant does not constitute "them." I'd also have this person - let's use the name Lackey to avoid unnecessary pronouns - screen my phone calls, run my errands (in Lackey's own car, of course, so my gas tank remains full), schedule my appointments, get me out of my appointments, occasionally rub my shoulders, and any other tasks I think of that I don't feel like doing.