Thursday, March 23, 2006

Fantasies of a 13-year-old, Solutions of a High Schooler

I forgot to mention this last night, but Delicia thinks I should FUCK OFF. Yes, my readers, she used all caps, which also means this was in letter form and not at all direct. It was more like "The following people can not fuck off: (insert list here), and everyone else can." Guess where I fit in? I think she should be less passive-aggressive. Maybe come out and say this stuff, perhaps even throw in a bitch-slap. We can't hide behind ink-jet printers all the time. Did I mention I'm on the verge of insanity? It's a short trip to a short ledge with sharp pointy rocks at the bottom.

I've decided to start dealing with my problems the way I did in my latter years of high school: therapy. It did me a lot of good. I entered a very bad point in my life, one in which I was struggling emotionally, spiritually, personally, pretty much every way but grammatically.

I'm at that point again: I can no longer single-handedly deal with being me. There are a myriad of reasons for this, but I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that I've had the same fantasy since I was 13 years old: leaving. I used to want to get in a car and drive somewhere and never come back. Now I want to get on a plane and fly somewhere. Still, the concept is the same. I don't think it's healthy that my greatest ambition in life is to get as far away from it as possible.

Sure, I'm underappreciated, but who isn't? I don't feel I live up to my potential, but who does? I can't be everything I want to be to everyone, but who can? I'm drowning in disappointment and losing sleep over a family I can't be there for. I can't really discuss all that on here, but with my aunt, my cousins and my sister, there's plenty of needing Wendy to go around, and I can't even talk to my sister on the phone because we're never available at the same time.

At some point, everything got really fucked. Things that used to matter to me don't anymore. Things that used to be important have taken a back seat to other things, because, when it comes down to it, I'm stuck with me, so I'd at least better like myself.

I'm wrestling with inner demons while the outer ones pound at the door 24/7. I'm obligated to so many things that I don't even get to do what I want. I don't even have time for school unless I don't sleep or eat. Things used to be simpler. Things used to be better. I used to be better.

I need 24 hours for my degree, but it'll take me two years because of how they space things out. I feel so stuck, like I'm in quick sand and even though I've read that part of the Worst Case Scenario Handbook I have no wood to grab onto, and I'm sinking. Everything is going black, and I'm letting it, because I'm tired of making myself care about anything other than myself and my loved ones. I know that's selfish, but I need to be selfish now. I'll lose myself if I'm not.

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