Sunday, December 11, 2005

Potent Quotables

This was inspired by Amy.

Instead of actually posting, this will just be an homage to the brilliant comedians who make me laugh in hopes that they, too, will make you laugh.

From Mitch Hedberg

"I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord."

"I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add 'er.' I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break."

"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."

"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

"A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?'"

"Someone handed me a picture and said, 'This is a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger. '...Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' Where'd you get that camera man?"

"I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...'"

"I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, 'I really enjoy being here,' but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, 'I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away..."

"I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, 'Mitch,' and I say, 'what' and turn my head slightly..."

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"

"Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, 'I'm gonna go shave too.'"

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

"You know they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob,' but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch,' and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.'"

From George Carlin

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is an idiot?"

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'"

"Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and occasionally peck someone's eye out."

"A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half you don't get two half-crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?"

"Commercials use sex to sell things. Why can't they use violence and bad language? Not all families are as 'functional' as the ones they show you onTV.
Mom: Eat your fuckin' cornflacks, ya cocksuker!
Son: Fuck you Ma.
Mom: Why you little creep!
Dad: Here son try this. It's new from Kelloggs.
Son: Holy shit, raisins!
Mom: Hey asshole! What're ya tryin' to do, spoil the kid?
Dad: Listen cunt, I'm tired of your meddlin'!
Son: Hey Dad, after you get finished punchin' Mom, gimme some more of that shit with the raisins it it, will ya?"

"What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. "

That seems good enough for now.
Currently feeling: Way too tired to have slept until 4 p.m.
Currently listening to: Dane Cook's "The Nothing Fight"

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