Monday, December 12, 2005

This One Is Worth Reading

OK, I caved and decided to actually post. I'm in a lot of pain today. I was trying to make it without painkillers because I know I won't be able to take them tomorrow, but I had to take one. Now I'm starting to get a migraine, and I've been out of migraine medicine a while because I'm too poor to refill my prescription, so that's not good.

I have a make-up test tomorrow in a class that I've already been told will be nearly impossible for me to pass due to all this bullshit. Here's the kicker: This class is a prerequisite for pretty much everything else in my major. If I don't get the credit now, I'll have to wait until NEXT FALL (when I had planned to graduate) to take it. Ergo, all of my scheduling shifts a CALENDAR YEAR, and now I'm probably looking at a December 2007 graduation date, which means I will have been in college SIX AND A HALF YEARS! Naturally, I'm sure I'll go insane by then and have to be carried away in a little white coat. WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO SUCK LIKE THIS?! I'm very depressed about it, although I've done a semi-decent job of hiding it. But every time I start to think about it, it makes me so mad and sad and frustrated that I don't even know what to feel. Thanks to the MTSU Math Department, and especially to my professor, for fucking me so hard. I like it hard. And shame on them, because I'm not supposed to do that until December 20 - doctor's orders due to the surgery.

At least my sense of humor is relatively intact.

Moving on, I'm in a terrible quagmire of not knowing, as Manda would say. And I'm far too into myself to think of asking, although it's not so much a matter of being into myself as a) avoiding hearing bad things and b) thinking I'm too cool for that. So, yeah, quagmire. Nice.

Things are tolerable now, but I'm sure it'll all blow up in my face in some dramatic and violent fashion if I don't do something soon. And here's the kicker, to quote Jeanette Winterson: "What you risk reveals what you value." So clearly I value it too much to risk it, although I'm not even sure what "it" is or even if there is an "it" in question, for that matter. I think I also avoid asking because whatever is going on is working for me, and I'm pretty much content with whatever. If things remain as they are, I would be OK with that. If something progressed, I could handle that, too.

Is this vague enough for you readers? I mean, I'm happy to elaborate if you ask, but some things I don't want to share with the whole Internet, only my close circle of people who know me.

I'm really tired of fighting this wave of emotion I can't seem to escape. The health issues, the school issues that came from the health issues, my financial aid (chalk that up to health issues, too), my aunt's marital problems (nope, not related to my health), my own personal quagmire, the job I'm not sure I'll still have much longer - it's all coming together in a terrible way, and, just as things come together, things also fall apart, and I can see it starting.

Part of me just wants to let it collapse. It just seems like it's all out of my hands now anyway, and there's no point in trying to fight it. I should just accept that I'm a failure. This whole college thing - maybe it's just not the right time for me. Maybe I should take some time off - I've debated it. There are a few things that keep me going when I want to quit: 1) I don't want to disappoint my family; 2) I don't want to disappoint myself (anymore, that is - I excel at disappointing myself; 3) I don't want to disappoint the sorority. At the end of the day, it's nice to have a group of girls who are my family here, and I'd do anything for any of them, and they've already shown they'd do the same for me.

It recently occurred to me that I've spent a good deal of my life dealing with situations I never thought I'd find myself in. I suppose I should say that makes me strong or something, but, really, it's just worn me down, made me hard, made me something I don't like.

Don't get me wrong - I have my moments. Many times I fully enjoy being me. Sometimes I can just let go, put everything else aside, cram too many people into Tina's bed and watch porn on Robert's laptop, then stay up until 6:30 a.m. watching Top Gun, wake up at 4 p.m., and eat chocolate for breakfast in bed. Incredible.

But not every day starts with Hershey's King Size, and I've found that it's getting harder and harder for me to find the good times. I'm tired of fighting. It didn't help at all with the class I need. It might not help with my financial aid. And I'd like to think I'm worth fighting for, but I've clearly shown that I'm not.

It's not that I think I'm a bad person...I'm just not as good as I could be, or as I used to be.

The point of all this: I could really use a friend right now...or two...or seven. It seems that the older I get, the farther away the people I'm closest to get. Leslie's in Kansas, JR's on another continent, my other high school friends are scattered about the country, and my core college group has started the great disperse as well. This isn't to say that my friends here aren't great, because they are. I'm definitely blessed in that respect. But it's the people who not only know WHO I am but know WHY I am who I am that I'm missing. Leslie's been my best friend since fourth grade - it's hard to compete with that.

It doesn't help that my entire extended family is wrapped up in what is likely to end in divorce for my aunt, which is sad in many ways and is also something we don't know how to deal with - there is no divorce on my mom's side of the family. It's disheartening, as it always is, to realize that sometimes love isn't enough. I feel bad that I haven't cried for her yet, but I need to cry for me, first, and I'll do that as soon as I have the time.

What I need (and want) right now is for someone to hold me, let me cry, lie to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, and that I'll be OK, too. I guess that's the difference in being loved and feeling loved. I know that I'm loved, and I don't like to think of myself as someone who ever needs anything, especially to be taken care of, but it is nice to break down and have someone hold you up. That actually happened to me a few weeks ago, and it was definitely reassuring.

I apologize for the length of this post - I just started, and it all came out. It needed to. For those out there who care (and I know you do, or you wouldn't have made it this far), some words of reassurance or encouragement will go a long way.

Currently feeling: Far too introspective for my own good
Currently listening to: Deafening silence

1 comment:

Colby said...


In the short time that I have been blessed to know you and work with you (well, "work" is a relative term, for sure), the following is a feeble, ultimately failed attempt at describing your value:

For starters, like Nick in The Great Gatsby, you're one of the few honest people I know. Not "I don't cheat on my taxes" honest, but truly honest. You possess the kind of honesty that makes you willing to point out injustices when no one else speaks up. The kind of honesty that shows you're fully aware of your own faults, yet you live and laugh with them. The kind of honesty that others seek in themselves.

I'd like for this comment to match your level of encouragement, but I'm afraid it falls short. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw you come into the office worried or anxious or depressed (although manic, a few more times. Just kidding!). Honestly, with your hectic, responsibility-filled life, one would expect to see the weight of the world on your shoulders, but you keep it hidden so that you can bear others' loads.

So now, in a time where you need some help, hopefully this small space on the vast Internet has made some sort of impact. If anything, Wendy, you should know that you are loved by the people around you and most certainly by God. Remind yourself of this when you're low, and for that matter, remind yourself also when you get back up to where we all know you belong.