Sunday, December 04, 2005

Telegram to Misery: Company Says Fuck Off

Well, today I woke up in much pain. That wasn't fun for me. Now I'm hoping it goes away - it's fading a bit.

My mom is coming tomorrow and Tuesday for my pre-op and surgery. Yay mom! It's good to have people around who care.

Random nice thing that makes me smile: Being told, in the middle of a complete mental breakdown, that I'm a good person. It restores my faith in myself.

I've been letting myself down a lot lately. I have theories as to why, but most of them involve me being over-analytical and over-critical of myself. There's nothing wrong with me (other than the health stuff, maybe), so why do I think everything bad is my fault? And why can't I just accept and love myself for who I am? Sometimes I can, but it depends. Why do I let it be conditional?

Because of all this crap that's been fucking with my head lately, I've been terrible company. Insert regret here. I try not to regret things, but I don't know what else to do. I imagine feeling sorry for myself isn't the way to go, but I have a few good things going in an otherwise fucked-up existence, and I'd like to keep those intact, and I'm afraid I'm on track to letting it all go to hell.

So now what do I do? Damage control? I'm not even sure if there is any damage to control. Perhaps I should stop being such a pessimistic bitch and try to enjoy my last two surgery-free days. Yes, that sounds like a better plan.

I talked to my dad the other day, and he made me feel a lot better by saying I shouldn't worry about this semester because it was out of my control. He's right. I knew it, but it helps to hear someone else say it.

I should probably stop being so preoccupied with what I should do and just do what I want to do. That is my mantra, after all. I'm done waiting for my life to just happen to me - I'd rather just go out and live it. Will I take my own advice? I hope so, but I know me too well to think that I won't worry about it. Why can't I stop worrying about stupid shit? It's because I care - I know that - but that's about all I know.

Naturally, I've opted to do the girl thing and overdose on chocolate - I made a chocolate mousse pie with Oreo crust, and I'm not going to be satisfied until I polish it off completely.

And now, because I'm over my bad mood funk, I'm going to list a few things I like about being me, just, if for no other reason, than to cheer me up, because I'm determined to go back to being in a normal mood instead of being the pensive bitch from hell.

1) I have a surprisingly normal and healthy relationship with my parents and sister.

2) Lots of people love me. I know this because people are actually concerned when they hear of my health shit and all that. And I bet even more people think I have a great personality.

3) I'm smart. I did way better at drunken Trivial Pursuit than I should have.

4) Some people find me attractive, and I'm OK with that.

5) I'm able to eat whatever I want and maintain a ridiculously good figure. This is, of course, unfair by all laws of nature, but I love it. I mean, I've never even eaten a salad...ever!

6) Most of the time, it's pretty fuckin' spectacular to be me, if for no other reason than I surround mysef with some pretty fuckin' spectacular people.

1 comment:

theogeo said...

Good luck, Wendy! I'm going to call you tomorrow, even though you might not be at a point where you can talk.