"There's still so much to be done"

Hey, that holiday is coming up: Valentine's Day. Who hates it? I do. I always have, even when I've been attached. I cancelled sorority meeting that night because the girls need the night off. What will I be doing? Who gets to be the special person on my Valentine's Day? Well, Meredith. At work today she mentioned that she was closing that night, and she's had a boyfriend for two years. I offered to come in around 7 p.m. and finish the night for her. She was really happy. I mean, seriously, I can be single any day of the year. Go be with your boyfriend, Meredith. I'm not this nice all the time. Take advantage of it. Afterward, Nick and I are going to find a bar and drink until his birthday. Don't freak out - his birthday is February 15. It seems fitting that Starbucks is my Valentine. Awww. Anyone out there want to get me flowers? Well don't. They die. I don't like dead things. Get me chocolate, or Johnny Depp. I'm still waiting on that one. What I will probably do after I get home: watch Moulin Rouge, Love Actually or Chocolat. It really depends on what kind of mood I'm in: Nicole Kidman, Keira Knightley, or Johnny Depp. And if I want to cry.

I had a dream a little bit ago that I got married. Yeah, weird, I know. Me, married? I can't even find anyone to date, and yet subconscious Wendy was doing the "until death do us part" thing. Actually, I was on my honeymoon in my dream. I had on a black dress. The same black dress I wore to both Brett Bauman's and Kelley Burke's funerals. I guess that was my brain telling me someone else had died, which I found out today via e-mail. So much for the wedding thing. Oh well, it was nice having a dream honeymoon in a hot tub. No, it wasn't to anyone I know, and it wasn't to Johnny Depp. It was to a blonde. I don't picture myself marrying a blonde, either, so it was really odd. And while I'm being shallow, he was short and not attractive, but I seemed really happy, so I guess he was incredibly smart and funny, because that's my thing.

As talk at work got to birthdays, Nick said he's turning 22 next week, and I wished him a better year at 22 than I had. Then I got all in-my-head again, which I tend to do, which is also why I've decided I'm glad I'm not dating anyone now, because I sure as hell don't need anyone else in my head right now. I thought that this would be my last semester at school, that by now my life would have some kind of direction, that I'd be starting to get into that "settle down" mode.

But I haven't. Not even close. I'm slow going, but I think it's important to note that I'm still going. I haven't stopped. I'd like to get my PhD, but that means I'll be schooling until I'm around 30, and, frankly, that scares the shit out of me. When am I going to have time to live my life? I want to go galivanting about the planet at some point, hopefully while I'm still really young and ideally shortly after I fall in love with whoever I'm going to be with for the rest of my life. Ahh. Typing that sounds frightening. I actually typed "majority" first and realized how ridiculous that sounded.

I want to drive a car that I bought. I want to live in a house I paid for. I want to be able to spoil my kids, but I won't, because they need to know the value of being grateful for what they have. I want to go to Hawaii just to prove that volcanoes really aren't that scary. But I think I'd be OK if I didn't get around to doing that one.

I just feel like this place, this life, all that I'm doing now, is just holding me back, and I'm going to burst. I just want to be me.