Thursday, February 23, 2006

Your Cheatin' Heart Will Make You...Meatloaf

I got hungry. My meatloaf is in the oven. While it's cooking, I thought I'd share a heart-warming story from work today. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the accused and the ones I haven't yet categorized.

I was in the back today doing something that could be construed as constructive when the phone rang, and I, forgetting my last Starbucks phone run-in, stupidly answered it. Here's what ensued. My comments, naturally, are in italics.

Me: Thank you for calling Smyrna Starbucks. This is Wendy. How may I help you?
Yes, I realize this is dumb. "Thank you for calling?" Who says that? I do, obviously. I'm such a tool.

Gentleman Caller: How would I get there if I were coming from Nashville on 24?
Don't you like the name I picked for him?

Me: Take exit 66B, which is the same exit you'd take if you were going to the hospital. The ramp curves around, and you'll take a left at the first light, which is Team Boulevard. You can't miss us when you're at the light.
I like to throw in that it's the hospital exit. People notice those blue signs on the interstate.

GC: Thank you. Can I ask you something? Are you still there?
That's two somethings you just asked me, but OK. Go ahead. Ask again.

Me: Yes. I'm here.

GC: What do you do there?

Me: (short pause, trying to let this question soak in) I make coffee. (in a cheery voice) And I occasionally answer the phones!

GC: Are you the one who writes the names on the cups?
Wow, he knows an awful lot about coffee house procedure to be asking me what I do here. I hope he's not going to tell me he's been watching me for days or something, but if he asked for directions, that's not likely. OK, I'll play along. My day started with a merry thug - I should've known it was going to get

Me: Sometimes, if I'm up front.

GC: Has you had an Amy?

Me: I'm not sure - I've been on drive-thru tonight.

GC: Do you know if there's been anyone named Amy in tonight?

Me: I haven't been up front, so I don't know.
At this point, I started getting kind of hopeful, like maybe this was some long-lost love of "Amy" who was planning on showing up with roses and an engagement ring or something. I kind of felt bad for not knowing, but if you work drive-thru, you're a slave to the window.

GC: OK, well, if you want to know why I'm asking, I've heard my fiancee is cheating on me, and she's supposed to be there tonight.
Whoa, didn't see that one coming. I guess he just needed someone to tell, and it just happened to be whoever answered the phone at Starbucks. I guess he's planning a stakeout. Neat!

Me: (I have no recollection of what I said here. I think it was something apologetic about not knowing or something. Then we hung up.)

I immediately burst out laughing. Here's what I hoped would happen later that night.

Amy and Her Lover would be sitting in the comfy chairs together, having their lustful lattes, oblivious to GC's plans to interrupt their rendezvous. Then, GC bursts in, screaming at Amy, calling her a cheating whore or something equally insulting if it weren't true. Amy would stand up, defiant, yelling, "You don't even know me!" looking all sad that she was caught. She may even order a cup of water just to throw in his face. HL would stand up in defense of Amy's honor, and then...the camera crew from Cheaters would come in to get it all on tape and GC broke down, sobbing onto the floor, knocking over our display of coffee beans, as I curse under my breath, picking up the spilled Verona. The coffee of love. How poetic.

But, sadly, none of that happened. I say "sadly" because if she is cheating I think she should get caught, and if she's not, I'd like him to try to catch her and be unsuccessful, but if he's untrustworthy enough to call me to reveal his ploy to catch her, they shouldn't get married. Of course, I didn't say any of this to him, but he sounded cute, and I was kind of bummed that a big showdown didn't happen. I even hung around a bit after I got off work, which my coworkers found amusing.

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